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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He really doesn’t get it saying it will just take an hour after a 12 hour night shift

73 replies

Want2727 · 13/08/2019 09:32

Work three 12 hour night shifts a week. Husband is usually at work when I get home so I go to bed. But he is a teacher and off th summer so at the moment he is at home.

Every time I get home husband has done the following
Husband- Can you come with me and do a shop it will only take an hour
Or
Can you drop DS at holiday club while I do this, it will only take an hour
Or
Can you help me do this or can you help me do that it will only take an hour
These little things means I will only get to bed at 11 rather then half nine and that makes a lot of difference when I am back on again tonight
He just doesn’t get it

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 13/08/2019 10:25

Just go to bed.

Glare, be angry, whatever it takes.

He has the whole summer off. There are days when you're NOT on nights when you can help out. Otherwise he is on shift, and you are not.

GrandTheftWalrus · 13/08/2019 10:26

I do batches of nights. Last month was 13 in a row. And as time goes on I'm more awake in the morning but when I do something like 3 on and 3 off I need sleep.

So if my DP said something would just take an hour I'd be telling him where to go.

Oldraver · 13/08/2019 10:27

I've always lived with people that have done night shifts, my OH has recently swapped from nights to day and while I dont physicalyl get it...I can damn well see how it's taken its toll on him.

Your DH is so selfish to ask you after a 12 hour shift to drop DS to holiday club. What is he doing that so fricking important to delay your sleep.

TarragonSauce · 13/08/2019 10:27

I like a restful day before I begin my nights, although I don't necessarily sleep much. Might do a big shop in the morning, spend the afternoon on the sofa reading/tv.
On the day after my nights end I might just have a few hours in the morning, in the knowledge that I can have a very early night that night.

But those days in between night shifts are absolutely sacrosanct in this house. Nobody asks anything of me. DH does all housework, school runs, appointments, cooking etc. I choose when and how long I sleep for. (Now, luckily, and perhaps the game-changed, is that dh works 10 minutes away and is the owner of the business therefore can pop out and home whenever he chooses.)
If I am not on form for my 2nd and 3rd night shifts vulnerable people could be put at risk and I could end up subject to criminal proceedings.

dollydaydream114 · 13/08/2019 10:40

YANBU. Even if you were on day shifts, 12 hours is a really long day at work. If you're on a night shift, you really need to get to bed as early as you can. An hour makes a hell of a difference.

fairislecable · 13/08/2019 10:45

Just state the obvious- I can do NOTHING until I have some sleep.

Pick up children shopping etc yes fine but AFTER sleep.

timshelthechoice · 13/08/2019 10:46

You have to keep telling him NO. He won't get it.

vodkaredbullgirl · 13/08/2019 10:48

I work nights and wish i could go to bed when i get home. Takes me a couple of hours to wind down and then i go to bed around 11-12. Usually up 3 or 4 hours later.

Luckly my 2 dds are old enough.

plominoagain · 13/08/2019 10:55

I do night shifts for 3 days a week , and NOTHING gets between me and my bed when I get home . If I’m getting home at 9.30 , and I’m due to leave again at 4 to go back to work , then I have to be back up by 2.30 , so I need all the sleep I can get . DH knows better than to even think of asking.

lottiegarbanzo · 13/08/2019 10:58

Just say no and mean it.

He's not your boss. You don't have to justify yourself to him, just because your established routine is now visible to him.

Tell him what your routine is and when you will be available.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 13/08/2019 11:00

Just say no and go to bed. If he really wants help shopping, tell him you can go when you get up for your shift and he can come with you.. I don't think people who have never worked shifts do 'get it'

PullingMySocksUp · 13/08/2019 11:00

On a 12 hour shift day you need to be just working and sleeping, surely?

Fatted · 13/08/2019 11:04

Say no and then ask him what is he doing all day that he can't do it himself?!

Really, why can't a grown up adult go to the shop themselves?!

lottiegarbanzo · 13/08/2019 11:05

And it doesn't matter whether he 'get's it' or not. He doesn't need to understand how this feels, in order to believe you. Just tell him what you're doing and do it.

He sounds disorganised. He needs to take full responsibility for childcare and domestic tasks on the days you're working.

EKGEMS · 13/08/2019 11:09

I worked that same schedule years ago and my husband would never expect me to do more than eat and bathe them climb into bed because he appreciated my efforts. I did have a coworker who had an abusive fiancé who did this and it's always blew my mind how inconsiderate that was

tomatostottie · 13/08/2019 11:23

Don't understand why a grown adult man needs you to go with him to do a shop. Pathetic.
He's off work for the summer (yes, he may have planning and preparation to do for September - but it's not the same has having fixed hours where you have to be in work) so he should be doing more of the jobs around the home to make your life a little bit easier for a few weeks.
Just keep saying no to him - tell him that if he does need help with a particular job then this can be done on days when you are off work or at a specific time on days when you have a night shift, but at a time to suit you.
You will be going to bed as soon as you get in from work and he needs to understand this and get his head round it as fast as possible.

Marvinmarvinson · 13/08/2019 11:27

Oh god no, yanbu. I'm in a relatively new job where I have to night shifts for the first time ever and they really are exhausting. I think I'd cry if anyone asked me to stay up and do stuff for an hour when I got in. Genuinely, I think I'd burst into tears!

YouJustDoYou · 13/08/2019 11:27

DH is often awake almost 24 hours, every week. He is perpetually tired, and even on the rare days it's those long minimum 12 hour shifts he is still exhausted. Your dh has no clue.

Borderterrierpuppy · 13/08/2019 11:41

I do night shifts too.
Why do you agree with him and do it?
Who made him your boss ?

NurseButtercup · 13/08/2019 11:43

You have to be a special kind of selfish & completely self absorbed, to not "get" why people need to sleep after completing a 12hr night shift.

My ex used to do all kinds of nonsense to keep me awake after a night shift, failing that, he used to try and dictate how much sleep I needed and attempt to wake me up early.

My advice is to just say no, ignore him and stick to your routine. He'll get the message.

GabsAlot · 13/08/2019 11:50

Jesus you dont even drive but u have to take ds to holiday club

wtf is wrong with him

Jent13c · 13/08/2019 11:50

When I first started doing nights my husband loved to have a chat when I got in. I could barely even manage that, most of the time I fell asleep doing whatever I was supposed to be doing (usually feeding the baby!). He now knows just to ignore and I'll speak to him later. I can barely make it the 10 minute drive home never mind a full hour shop. Is such a different experience from going to the shop after a day shift, your whole body shuts down and cannot function until you have slept. Your husband would hate me at the moment...currently pregnant and husband working away, have never been so tired in my life and need a full 24 hours of sleep to come off of nights!

GabsAlot · 13/08/2019 11:52

forgot to add dh does 12 hur day and night shift-i get it he comes in sometimes eats then goes to bed thats it hes knackered

clucky3 · 13/08/2019 11:58

YANBU at all, but I don't think a teacher is going to get it. They think 6 hour days with 12 weeks holiday is hard work.

PeoniesarePink · 13/08/2019 12:06

So say No. Each and every time.

He's being a selfish twat. And more fool you if you give into it.

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