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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He really doesn’t get it saying it will just take an hour after a 12 hour night shift

73 replies

Want2727 · 13/08/2019 09:32

Work three 12 hour night shifts a week. Husband is usually at work when I get home so I go to bed. But he is a teacher and off th summer so at the moment he is at home.

Every time I get home husband has done the following
Husband- Can you come with me and do a shop it will only take an hour
Or
Can you drop DS at holiday club while I do this, it will only take an hour
Or
Can you help me do this or can you help me do that it will only take an hour
These little things means I will only get to bed at 11 rather then half nine and that makes a lot of difference when I am back on again tonight
He just doesn’t get it

OP posts:
crosser62 · 13/08/2019 12:07

I work nights.
I’d go all Peaky blinders on his ass if he were mine.

I resent having to take little ds to school after my night and then pick him up from school at 3.10. But dh has to get to work & cant finish early to pick him up.
But then his little face when’s he sees me is just lovely.

You know what though, I feel like I did in the new born stage, that bone drenched utter utter exhaustion surviving on 2-3 hours sleep. That’s all the time.

Its a bliss for me in the holidays as my dh is a teacher too and takes over completely so I can lol around willy nilly.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 13/08/2019 12:10

Even a 12 hour daytime shift is knackering

Teachers work bloody hard and deserve every penny of their pay and every second of their holiday.

But he is ON HOLIDAY. You are AT WORK. He can do this stuff. If he needs time off from DS care he needs to organise it or to take it when you are not needing sleep.

NoSquirrels · 13/08/2019 12:17

If he needs time off from DS care he needs to organise it or to take it when you are not needing sleep.

The thing is, it sounds as if he already has organised care - DS at holiday club - but can’t be bothered/doesn’t think it’s his responsibility o actually take him there!

Spudlet · 13/08/2019 12:24

I have insomnia so it’s not unknown for me to go entire nights with no sleep at all. I am always wrecked the next day, and I haven’t even been doing anything - I just lie on the sofa reading and trying to relax. How anyone should be expected to work all night and then function ‘for just an hour’ is beyond me, and I’ve never done a night shift in my life (although both parents did night shift jobs - police officer and nurse).

Your DH is being a bloody idiot.

NewName54321 · 13/08/2019 12:38

YANBU at all, but I don't think a teacher is going to get it. They think 6 hour days with 12 weeks holiday is hard work.

This is about the OH's inconsiderate OH, not the teaching profession.

MollyButton · 13/08/2019 12:46

6 hour days! If only...I'd have stayed at my teacher training for that.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 13/08/2019 12:47

Have you asked him to stop? What did he say, does he just carry on?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 13/08/2019 12:47

6 hour days my arse...

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 13/08/2019 12:49

You said no to all his requests right?

Branleuse · 13/08/2019 12:53

Tell him "No, and I want you to stop asking"

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 13/08/2019 12:55

He's a grown man, why on earth does he need you to accompany him to do the shopping? Why can't he take DS to holiday club since he's not working...come to think of it, why is DS at holiday club in the first place?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 13/08/2019 12:58

Have you asked him what his response would be if you woke him up 1.5 hours earlier than normal (so 5.30am rather than 7am) and asked him to pop to the 24 hour supermarket as you're out of a few things? Would he be fine with 'it's just an hour'?

I dont think you have to have done night shift work to realise how awful it makes you feel. I havent and I still know studies show it shortens your life and your more likely to be off sick etc. And then trying to get back to daytime hours every week is like jet lag. He either is stupid, has no empathy, or he doesnt actually care!

Cegbee · 13/08/2019 13:22

No that's ridiculous. You can't do anything after a 12 hour night shift apart from maybe eat something and then sleep. He doesn't need to get it for you to tell him no though!

Tonnerre · 13/08/2019 13:24

Why does he need your help when he's shopping anyway? The vast majority of us manage that all by ourselves.

nannybeach · 13/08/2019 13:36

cant offer any help, but hughly sympathise, I worked 25 years nights, last time round, 12.5 hours, nursing heavy ward big general hospital, then a 50 mile drive home, 5 nights a week to start, (the shift wasnt 12.5 hours then) I used to get, "but you are home all day", it wasnt just DH, I had a proper sign made for my door, saying I was in bed following a night shift please do not disturb me. Council people all sorts, still rang the bell, knocked the door, in the end, I said, "give me your home phone number, I will ring you when you have been in bed an hour, just got to sleep, then you have to stay awake,( because I could never get back to sleep afterwards) everyone of them said I was being ridiculous, or thats different, no its bloody not. Until my youngest went to school, I survived on cat naps, when she did.

hubbletelescope · 13/08/2019 13:41

Off topic but your husband is a teacher and your child needs to go to holiday club?

I would just tell your husband you are not available in the mornings after night shifts. He just doesn't get it.

kateandme · 13/08/2019 13:42

when hes going to bed could you ring him and just ask him to do somthing for an hour!

Daebh · 13/08/2019 13:52

He is not getting it, it's not just a work day flipped upside down, it's so much harder

Original poster
Want2727 · 13/08/2019 14:24

Ds goes to holiday club for a few weeks because it is a football one and he is football
Obsessed. He loves it and that is why we send him for a few weeks

OP posts:
TwinMummy1510 · 13/08/2019 14:40

I might be wrong here, but it's not the inability to say no that's the issue, it's the fact the OP is being asked.

Even if you say no, there's this little niggling voice at the back of your head that makes you feel a bit guilty. Even though you know that you're entitled to go straight to sleep the knowledge that they think you're being unreasonable, and possibly even a little bit lazy is utterly frustrating.

It's not that you can't say no, it's just that you want your partner to understand how utterly exhausted you are, and with good reason. It's infuriating that they might think you're just making excuses not to help. I think that's the issue.

Of course, I could be projecting as I'm in a similar situation at times....

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 13/08/2019 15:56

OP I would just tell him that you are unavailable from the moment you leave home for your night shift until the moment you appear downstairs after you wake up the next day. Tell him to treat it like you aren’t there and to plan his day accordingly. Make it non negotiable. Him being off work shouldn’t impact your sleep. He’s being lazy really, is what it boils down to.

GabsAlot · 13/08/2019 22:42

Does he say why he cant take him in though op?

joystir59 · 13/08/2019 22:57

My oh used to work 12 hour shifts, a mix of days and nights. On nights she was left alone to sleep. I would do all household stuff and make sure there were nourishing meals cooked for when she woke up ravenous in the afternoon. She was in a zone for the duration and no way would she have been able to participate in household chores.

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