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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure I can help selfish MIL with her dog and I love dogs.

118 replies

Whatjusthappenedthere · 13/08/2019 06:39

It’s early , I’m tired and don’t want to come across as a total cow but I am so cross right now as I’ve been up / snoozing with the dog all night.
Background. Mil bought an expensive puppy ( relevant ) 10 months ago behind FILS back. Just turned up at home with him without discussion.
FIL would have said no. Four years ago FIL insisted she re homed two young dogs bought under exactly the same circumstances.

FIL is being driven mad by the young dog now. He’s still a puppy and has way more energy than two 70 plus year olds can handle. In a few weeks FIL is having a hip op and has concerns about looking after the pup / tripping over him post op, which if fair enough.

MIL has clearly lost interest in the poor little thing and would re home him in a shot if she could sell him for what she paid ( over 1000 pounds). I’m pretty appalled by this . I appreciate she can’t just give him away without some kind of assurance he’s going somewhere suitable but she could use a proper rescue service who will re home him properly. After all MIL has already proved anyone can buy a dog.

Anyhow, things reached a head in their home so my DH offered to have the dog for respite / see if he can settle with us. We have looked after him before but our own dogs who are normally good natured will not tolerate him. This time, DH decided we just have to introduce MILs dog and work through the hard times until he settles.

I’m not even sure if FIL will take him back after the op if I’m honest so I’m really looking at this long term problem to be resolved.

For info, I work long hours full time. DH is home most of the time due to his shift patterns. On the few days a month both of us are out all day, our dogs go to a professional dog sitter.

I am knackered most of the time but had three days off this week to spend with my children who have been away for quite some time. DH thought this the perfect time to re introduce the dog to our house again. Which has also made me a bit cross.

It hasn’t gone well. My jet lagged children have been kept awake most of the night. Our dogs are clearly upset by his presence and all 3 dogs have been barking just about since he arrived yesterday.

I appreciate DH wants to help his parents buts it been me up since 3am keeping the pup company so my children can sleep. Of course this means DH has also been sleeping like a baby too and that’s grating on me now.

I know I am also probably tangling the two issues but last year my own Dad died. I spent his last months sleeping in his living room at night so he wasn’t alone. DH didn’t get involved in his care at all which was fine as my Dad would have hated that anyway. It was my duty to care for my Dad and I didn’t mind. But, it’s not my duty to look after this dog while FIL gets better. MIL has created this mess and should re home this little fellow ( he’s lovely by the way, I didn’t mention that before) without thinking about the money.

The only reason I’m even in this situation is because of the dog, not MIL or FIL which makes me feel like a first class cow.

Can’t even remember what my AIBU is now? But along the lines of do I persevere with this dog knowing it’s basically already ruined a rare three days off work with my children, my own dogs are upset, and going to have grumpy as hell teens all day because they will not have my full attention which they deserve.... and DH has slept all night and will again tonight!

I just don’t think it’s going to work.

OP posts:

Teacakeandalatte · 13/08/2019 09:11

Its not impossible for an older person to provide a good home for a dog, especially a smaller dog like a dachshund. I know loads of older people who great dog owners, one friend I meet regularly on dog walks is in his 70s and has several chronic health problems and he is a brilliant dog owner. So I definitely think its on an individual basis of what your health and fitness is like and whether you could provide for the dog if you did become ill. But a retired person, home most of the day and without too many commitments, who is reasonably fit, can go out walking every day and enjoys playing with the dog at home and caring for it might be the perfect home for a dog.

Medievalist · 13/08/2019 09:13

Bertrand - mileysmiley didn't exactly say 70 year olds, she said 'elderly', referring to the op's ILs who are described as 70plus.

I do think age is relevant and as a general rule I think it's a bit daft for someone aged 70 plus to take on a puppy. DH and I are late 50s/early 60s and were saying the other day that we're getting to an age where we would struggle to keep up with a puppy.

Age certainly isn't immaterial when it comes to owning a dog.

Original poster

Whatjusthappenedthere · 13/08/2019 09:17

Feeling more awake now, it’s not so bad. One dog still upset mind you . one teen up and looking out for all three dogs, the children love dogs by the way. Only grumpy due to lack of sleep . One teen still asleep which will come in handy later !
In the mean time I will look at all the advice here on properly re homing if the next few days don’t calm down. I’m really only up for a third dog if he can integrate with mine.
Not sure I will hand him back if he does. He’s still only 10 months old so should re home quite easily if done properly. Thanks for you advice.

OP posts:

NoSauce · 13/08/2019 09:20

What breed are your dogs OP? Dachshunds usually fit in well with other dogs and love their company so hopefully yours will accept him, it can take a week or so, so if you’re serious about keeping him wait a bit longer than a few days to if he settles in.

And get DH doing his share.

LuvSmallDogs · 13/08/2019 09:31

Well, some older people can indeed handle boisterous young dogs. My DF is in his 70s and as a dog lover/runner has picked up dog walking since retirement, including a hyperactive St Bernard who does her damnedest to jump in his arms whenever she sees him!

Then of course you get older people like my MIL (60s), who got a JRT puppy, didn't train it, babies it and doesn't walk it enough due to her health problems. My gran was the same, my parents called the local rescue and begged them not to give her anymore dogs, but they ignored them!

Piffle11 · 13/08/2019 09:50

Surely it's not good for the dog if he eventually settles with you, only to be uprooted again? Whether going back to MIL or a rehoming situation. Neither MIL or your DH has thought this through … I'm presuming MIL is probably hoping that you end up keeping the dog and giving her some money for it? Like others have said: DH has caused this problem by offering to take the dog, so I would let him deal with its neediness for the duration of its stay, and tell him he needs to sort out where it will be going as it cannot possibly live with you.

BertrandRussell · 13/08/2019 09:52

“Then of course you get older people like my MIL (60s), who got a JRT puppy, didn't train it, babies it and doesn't walk it enough due to her health problems.”
That’s not her age- it’s being a shit dog owner. Plenty of young shit dog owners!

chocolatemademefat · 13/08/2019 09:53

The dog has to go back to your ILs. Your mother in law wanted it so let her deal with it. It’s fine for your husband to decide to take the dog then lie sleeping while you’re up all night. And as for the suggestion you move to a hotel with your children for a night - no. You can’t be the one finding ways around this at your own expense while all the involved parties get on with their routines.

Your MIL needs to grow up and accept she’s messed up and stop putting it on you.

Yabbers · 13/08/2019 10:03

Next time, go wake your DH and let him deal with it.

Linseedlill · 13/08/2019 10:08

Op the Dogs Trust will have no problems rehoming a daschund puppy. I for one would take it off your hands tomorrow. Please give it up as soon as possible as he has already had a lot of change in his life. Then the new owners need to get on top of the barking asap (daschunds can be very vocal.) Generally speaking, they are also very loyal to one person so it may be very upset by all this stress and change. Don't keep him in an unsuitable situation out of kindness when ultimately it wouldn't be the right thing to do for it. They are proper dogs on small legs - not lap dogs - and can be very high energy and happy and excitable if not handled with care early on.
Thank heavens there is one responsible person in your household op and that is you!

LuvSmallDogs · 13/08/2019 10:10

BertrandRussell, it is and isn't her age, in that if she were 30 years younger she wouldn't have had the effects of 3 decades of a chronic condition + the side effects of the drugs. Some health problems are brought on by age, or just bad due to how long they have had to wreck the body.

I think the key is in attitude - babying aside, my MIL would probably cope ok with an older rescue that needs fewer/slower walks and wants to lounge around the rest of the time, or an animal that doesn't need walking.

Many people who are older and/or in ill health are in denial over whether they can still drive or keep up with an energetic dog due to selfishness.

Linseedlill · 13/08/2019 10:10

That should have read yappy and excitable but they can be very happy dogs too!

mydogisthebest · 13/08/2019 10:16

Why are you talking abut rehoming the puppy? It should be going back to the breeder if you or your mil can't have it.

If the breeder won't take it back and a decent breeder should then get on to breed rescue. Please do not just take it to a rehoming centre.

The breeder of my dog would be absolutely horrified if I rehomed my dog. I signed a contract saying he would go back to her if we could not keep him. If we both die he goes back to her or if one of us dies and the other can't cope he goes back to her

Summerunderway · 13/08/2019 10:25

If you sort out their mess this time op, what about when fil is back on his feet and mil brings another dpuppy home??
Send it back or imo you are enabling her to be feckless...

Cherrysoup · 13/08/2019 10:30

If your mil wants rid, then she ought to give it back to the breeder who should have a stipulation in the contract that the dog goes back to him/her. Check that out before re-homing. If you do look to re-home, go via a daxie specialist rescue.

jesuschristwtf · 13/08/2019 10:38

Your MIL is an irresponsible twat. Bring the dog back to hers and force her to be a grown up for once.

IsobelRae23 · 13/08/2019 10:47

I’m actually jealous I love those breeds! If he sleeps with company- could you put him in a basket in your room to sleep?

Hidingtonothing · 13/08/2019 11:12

I still don't understand why you spent the night up with Ddog while DH slept OP? Like fuck would I be dealing with the consequences of his decision!

messolini9 · 13/08/2019 11:48

Would you be able to hear him from the utility room or garage, if you have one?

I'm gobsmacked at this, @PenelopeFlintstone.
What you are saying it is doesn't matter how distressed, lonely, scared or bored this puppy is, so long as the humans responsible for him don't have to hear or see him?

I hope you get locked in a garage for 24 hours.

Boysey45 · 13/08/2019 12:22

Those dogs are so loving and kind, I didn't even know a dog could be as nice as these are until I stayed with a couple for a few weeks.
I think if you are prepared to keep him it will settle down OP. However they do bark a lot and are very loud. Also get him insured as they do have a tendency for back problems which can cost a lot to get sorted out.They can can walk for miles and miles.

Waveysnail · 13/08/2019 12:28

Friend got specialist trainer in (rescue puppies who were extremely nervous). He worked wonders

PenelopeFlintstone · 13/08/2019 12:33

I’m gobsmacked at this, @PenelopeFlintstone*.
What you are saying it is doesn't matter how distressed, lonely, scared or bored this puppy is, so long as the humans responsible for him don't have to hear or see him?
I hope you get locked in a garage for 24 hours.*
Ha ha! Thanks very much. Lovely to meet you too! Three dogs in a garage for a few hours is better than the mother crashing her car on the school run because she’s only had two hours sleep.

PenelopeFlintstone · 13/08/2019 12:50

My poor dogs:

Poochandmutt · 13/08/2019 12:54

Why are you pandering to your dh .
Do you usually let him make shit decisions for the family .
The dog goes ,you have enough on your plate

Cassilis · 13/08/2019 12:55

OP, your husband sounds horrible. Using you as a puppy career so that he can appear to be a dutiful son. Urgh, you need to tell DH that the puppy is his responsibility! Why are you so apologetic about this, I would be having a fit!

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