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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure I can help selfish MIL with her dog and I love dogs.

118 replies

Whatjusthappenedthere · 13/08/2019 06:39

It’s early , I’m tired and don’t want to come across as a total cow but I am so cross right now as I’ve been up / snoozing with the dog all night.
Background. Mil bought an expensive puppy ( relevant ) 10 months ago behind FILS back. Just turned up at home with him without discussion.
FIL would have said no. Four years ago FIL insisted she re homed two young dogs bought under exactly the same circumstances.

FIL is being driven mad by the young dog now. He’s still a puppy and has way more energy than two 70 plus year olds can handle. In a few weeks FIL is having a hip op and has concerns about looking after the pup / tripping over him post op, which if fair enough.

MIL has clearly lost interest in the poor little thing and would re home him in a shot if she could sell him for what she paid ( over 1000 pounds). I’m pretty appalled by this . I appreciate she can’t just give him away without some kind of assurance he’s going somewhere suitable but she could use a proper rescue service who will re home him properly. After all MIL has already proved anyone can buy a dog.

Anyhow, things reached a head in their home so my DH offered to have the dog for respite / see if he can settle with us. We have looked after him before but our own dogs who are normally good natured will not tolerate him. This time, DH decided we just have to introduce MILs dog and work through the hard times until he settles.

I’m not even sure if FIL will take him back after the op if I’m honest so I’m really looking at this long term problem to be resolved.

For info, I work long hours full time. DH is home most of the time due to his shift patterns. On the few days a month both of us are out all day, our dogs go to a professional dog sitter.

I am knackered most of the time but had three days off this week to spend with my children who have been away for quite some time. DH thought this the perfect time to re introduce the dog to our house again. Which has also made me a bit cross.

It hasn’t gone well. My jet lagged children have been kept awake most of the night. Our dogs are clearly upset by his presence and all 3 dogs have been barking just about since he arrived yesterday.

I appreciate DH wants to help his parents buts it been me up since 3am keeping the pup company so my children can sleep. Of course this means DH has also been sleeping like a baby too and that’s grating on me now.

I know I am also probably tangling the two issues but last year my own Dad died. I spent his last months sleeping in his living room at night so he wasn’t alone. DH didn’t get involved in his care at all which was fine as my Dad would have hated that anyway. It was my duty to care for my Dad and I didn’t mind. But, it’s not my duty to look after this dog while FIL gets better. MIL has created this mess and should re home this little fellow ( he’s lovely by the way, I didn’t mention that before) without thinking about the money.

The only reason I’m even in this situation is because of the dog, not MIL or FIL which makes me feel like a first class cow.

Can’t even remember what my AIBU is now? But along the lines of do I persevere with this dog knowing it’s basically already ruined a rare three days off work with my children, my own dogs are upset, and going to have grumpy as hell teens all day because they will not have my full attention which they deserve.... and DH has slept all night and will again tonight!

I just don’t think it’s going to work.

OP posts:
makingmammaries · 13/08/2019 07:22

Solutions:

  1. Some big marrow bones that will keep the dogs busy (presence needed in case they fight over them);
  2. An ultrasound box thingy to stop them barking (I suppose pet shops should have them; got mine from eBay).

If the dog’s lovely, could you maybe just keep him once he settles in (and dump him on MIL for holidays)?

fleshmarketclose · 13/08/2019 07:23

It will take a lot longer than one night for the pup to settle and for your dogs to tolerate it. I'd remind dh of that and ask him if he's willing to do the night shift until pup sleeps through. If he isn't then pup will hav to be rehomed through a rescue. It's an adolescent dog now and they are tricky, has it been neutered? Your dogs may be more accepting later on if it was neutered and out of adolescence.

Xen20 · 13/08/2019 07:24

If it is a french bulldog, be ready for the pup to be a pain in the arse for two years or so. They don’t grow up quick. Bless him, what a shit start he’s had. Someone needs to rehome the MIL

OrangeSwoosh · 13/08/2019 07:26

For £1000+ I'm guessing it's some kind of oodly doodly zu shih chon thing.

MiL needs to re-home the dog to a reputable rescue and learn an expensive lesson.

Or leave pup at home with MiL and you have FiL instead

MrsGrammaticus · 13/08/2019 07:28

Is it too late or long to return this dog to the breeder? Obviously the money would be lost, but that's the price of a rash, presumably emotionally-led decision unfortunately.

SmallAndFarAway · 13/08/2019 07:28

So MIL got a puppy without agreeing it with FIL first which went to pot, and now DH has agreed to take care of it without agreeing it properly with you first (can't tell if you got a chance to weigh in or not)?

I can see where he gets it from...

He's more invested in keeping his mum happy than you, that's what I would discuss with him.

Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 13/08/2019 07:32

Thanks for replies. I didn’t mean to sound as though I hate my Mil, I just find her frustrating. Fil has looked into professional border / home care post op but says he’s found nothing ( but he’s not one for the internet so probably not an exhaustive search).
I don’t think this is a problem to solve temporarily anyway.

He’s a dachshund.

OP posts:
MrsMozartMkII · 13/08/2019 07:33

I'd speak to the local resident rescue, see if they have any suggestions either to settle the dog, or if they have a suitable foster or permanent home.

You then need a strong conversation with your mum.

Singlenotsingle · 13/08/2019 07:35

Just take him back to MIL and say sorry, you can't do it, it's not working. She made the mess, she needs to clear it up.

NoSauce · 13/08/2019 07:35

The Red Foundation comes up first on google for rescuing Dachshunds.

Please try and intervene as much as you can if she talks about selling it on the internet.

Bookworm4 · 13/08/2019 07:35

Mil is a twat, it’s not about £, it’s for the dog to have the best home.
theredfoundation.net/
Contact these people ^^

Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 13/08/2019 07:37

Small and Far.... they are indeed alike ! But DH less so. To be fair, I knew this day would come and always said we would help because he’s a lovely dog but the timing is awful. Already had a one ranting teen on the landing this morning. Thankfully the jet lag means the other is still sleeping heavily .

OP posts:
Teacakeandalatte · 13/08/2019 07:38

To be honest I would try to keep him if I thought the other dogs could learn to love him and I would let him sleep on the bed and spoil him excessively.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 13/08/2019 07:39

MIL is a selfish dickhead, tell her to look after the dog or you'll take it back to the breeder. In fact, tell your DH to tell her that, and then do it.

genie10 · 13/08/2019 07:39

If MIL can afford £1000 foe a puppy, she can presumably pay for someone to foster it for a few weeks. Often dog walkers will do this.

BertrandRussell · 13/08/2019 07:40

It does sound as if your children are being a bit brattish too.....sorry.

Mine would be competing to have the pup in their beds.....

SkaTastic · 13/08/2019 07:41

Noooooooo send him back it's not your problem. It's not like the dog will pull your MIL over when she takes it on a walk is it! They can sleep in the living room with it or rehome or or whatever they like. Or pay for a dog walker or behaviourist to come in. Your DH is a piss taker.

On a side note we are minding my friends dog for the week and the little pig snored all night long I'm so tired.

NoSauce · 13/08/2019 07:42

Me too Teacake. He will readjust in time and so will the other dogs, but the OP didn’t want another dog so I get why she’s fed up. People rushing in buying gorgeous little puppies are a huge problem, very often they’ve not done their homework and the dog becomes a pest then gets put on gumtree. The best outcome for this little one would be a breed specific rescue.

That’s if the MIL will do the right thing by the dog and not just think about losing the money.

AmateurSwami · 13/08/2019 07:42

I feel like if you keep the dog mil will bill you for him along the line.

Don’t keep the dog, let him be adored by someone who wants him. You tried your best. DH and MIL need their heads knocking together.

rookiemere · 13/08/2019 07:43

MILs logic is flawed. Even if you take ddog and look after it forever ( with all the associated expense) MIL has not got her £1000 back, in fact watch out next step may be asking you for money.

Far better that the ddog goes to a proper rescue where - as a popular breed and still young - he will be snapped up by a suitable owner.

I'd be telling your DH no more night time wakenings for you or your tribe ddog needs to go back to ILs or you all head off to a hotel

contrary13 · 13/08/2019 07:43

Your MIL sounds like my mother... and my adult daughter. They want the cute, well-behaved, trained to perfection pup - and don't want to put any of the work into it, unless it's screaming abuse at the dog, until it's confused and frightened... Sad

Whilst I in no way think that you should have the added responsibility of this puppy, it does sound as though it and your own dogs are picking up on your irritation/stress levels/resentment. Plus, the pup sounds lonely and in desperate need of someone who loves it in its young life. I agree - it should be rehomed with someone who can give it everything that it so obviously needs... but unfortunately, as dogs are considered property, and you say yourself that the pup was expensive/MIL wants to recover her financial losses, if you do anything to rehome the poor pup? You might end up in a whole heap of trouble.

Is it worth making your husband get up/sit with the puppy - or do you think he might be as awful with caring for it (despite having been the one who, y'know, actually offered to do so) as your MIL has proven herself to be? Is it worth getting him to talk to his mother about rehoming the puppy for its own sake - or does he, secretly, hope that you'll fall in love with the puppy's cuteness (read: lovely nature) and take it on, just so that his mother can save face with his father? Your husband hasn't secretly bought the puppy from your MIL, has he?

For your own dogs to not take to a puppy in their own home isn't that uncommon. Actually, they're doing what I know my own dog would do... however, after a day or so, as long as the puppy knew its place and didn't overstep its visiting bounds, my dog would quieten down. I know this, because I ended up taking on my daughter's "bought on a whim from who knows where" puppy (she's a lovely little beast) and regularly have my mother's expensive, poorly cared for dog (she's also approaching 70, but acknowledges that she made a mistake in the purchase of her giant puppy) to stay... for his sake, not my mother's. So I know it can be done. It shouldn't have to be done, though - especially not by someone who hasn't been the one to suggest taking the puppy into their home. Did your husband not think at all about the dogs who already share the home and how they would react? Angry Sad

Good luck, OP, and I hope it settles down/your MIL agrees to put the pup's needs before her own soon. Brew

timeisnotaline · 13/08/2019 07:45

I’d tell dh you do the nights or I will take it back to the breeder , and swear blind to mil that dh told me to do it. Which is essentially true- by leaving all the care to me dh would be telling me decision is completely in my hands.

Zaphodsotherhead · 13/08/2019 07:46

Dogs will generally shake down and sort out a pack order after a few days (as long as you don't have wildly guardy type dogs, and if you've already got two that's unlikely).

But I wouldn't take the dog on. That just sends MIL the message that you will clear up her badly thought through messes (unless it's temporary and they WILL give the dog a permanent home after F|IL recovers, but I doubt this. If the dog settles with you it will be 'oh he loves you so much, I can't take him away from you...')

If this isn't the first time she's done this, someone needs to have a stern word. Dogs are not disposable. Does she want the dog to keep her company or something? A cat might be a better, less intrusive, bet.

IrisAtwood · 13/08/2019 07:48

You’ve had so much good (and terrible) advice I have nothing more to add other than:

That poor puppy.

contrary13 · 13/08/2019 07:52

Forgot to add, my 14 year old would love a dachsie... but he did his research a while back (at my suggestion) and cottoned onto the fact that some of them get very expensive if they have spinal problems. Which a lot of them do (so do Corgis). It comes to something when a child says "maybe not", and a grown woman in her 70s goes "oh, how cute...!" and makes grabby hands like a toddler in that direction!

Will your children (presuming they're both teenage boys, actually) calm down once they're less jet-lagged, or will they continue to hate on the poor puppy (who is actually the innocent/wronged party here, i my opinion!).