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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure I can help selfish MIL with her dog and I love dogs.

118 replies

Whatjusthappenedthere · 13/08/2019 06:39

It’s early , I’m tired and don’t want to come across as a total cow but I am so cross right now as I’ve been up / snoozing with the dog all night.
Background. Mil bought an expensive puppy ( relevant ) 10 months ago behind FILS back. Just turned up at home with him without discussion.
FIL would have said no. Four years ago FIL insisted she re homed two young dogs bought under exactly the same circumstances.

FIL is being driven mad by the young dog now. He’s still a puppy and has way more energy than two 70 plus year olds can handle. In a few weeks FIL is having a hip op and has concerns about looking after the pup / tripping over him post op, which if fair enough.

MIL has clearly lost interest in the poor little thing and would re home him in a shot if she could sell him for what she paid ( over 1000 pounds). I’m pretty appalled by this . I appreciate she can’t just give him away without some kind of assurance he’s going somewhere suitable but she could use a proper rescue service who will re home him properly. After all MIL has already proved anyone can buy a dog.

Anyhow, things reached a head in their home so my DH offered to have the dog for respite / see if he can settle with us. We have looked after him before but our own dogs who are normally good natured will not tolerate him. This time, DH decided we just have to introduce MILs dog and work through the hard times until he settles.

I’m not even sure if FIL will take him back after the op if I’m honest so I’m really looking at this long term problem to be resolved.

For info, I work long hours full time. DH is home most of the time due to his shift patterns. On the few days a month both of us are out all day, our dogs go to a professional dog sitter.

I am knackered most of the time but had three days off this week to spend with my children who have been away for quite some time. DH thought this the perfect time to re introduce the dog to our house again. Which has also made me a bit cross.

It hasn’t gone well. My jet lagged children have been kept awake most of the night. Our dogs are clearly upset by his presence and all 3 dogs have been barking just about since he arrived yesterday.

I appreciate DH wants to help his parents buts it been me up since 3am keeping the pup company so my children can sleep. Of course this means DH has also been sleeping like a baby too and that’s grating on me now.

I know I am also probably tangling the two issues but last year my own Dad died. I spent his last months sleeping in his living room at night so he wasn’t alone. DH didn’t get involved in his care at all which was fine as my Dad would have hated that anyway. It was my duty to care for my Dad and I didn’t mind. But, it’s not my duty to look after this dog while FIL gets better. MIL has created this mess and should re home this little fellow ( he’s lovely by the way, I didn’t mention that before) without thinking about the money.

The only reason I’m even in this situation is because of the dog, not MIL or FIL which makes me feel like a first class cow.

Can’t even remember what my AIBU is now? But along the lines of do I persevere with this dog knowing it’s basically already ruined a rare three days off work with my children, my own dogs are upset, and going to have grumpy as hell teens all day because they will not have my full attention which they deserve.... and DH has slept all night and will again tonight!

I just don’t think it’s going to work.

OP posts:
yesteaandawineplease · 13/08/2019 07:58

your dm is being selfish and your dh isn't far behind. I'd rehome the dog myself in this situation. its what's best for the dog. poor thing.

Zaphodsotherhead · 13/08/2019 08:00

Oh, and I definitely don't think your MIL should get any money back for the dog. Otherwise she'll just take it and go and buy another one.

Maybe one of you should hide her bank card.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 13/08/2019 08:05

Take the dog back to MIL. It's not your responsibility to sort out.

NoSauce · 13/08/2019 08:08

I don’t think the dog should go back to MILs. I think the DH here needs to pull his weight and do his bit, maybe sleep on the sofa for a few nights with the dog to settle it and stop the noise. If they’re not going to keep it he needs to do the right thing and contact the red foundation.

OliviaBenson · 13/08/2019 08:09

I know someone who rehomed through the British Dachshund Rescue UK who are a charity and were really good with them.

I think you need to sit your DH down and have a calm but firm conversation- he needs to tell your mum some home truths.

Why aren't your dogs getting along with him? I wonder in the meantime if there's anything which could help.

Boysey45 · 13/08/2019 08:09

I'd either take the dog back to Mil's today or to a rescue, the thing is if you do the latter then she will want the money from you that she paid for him.
I feel sorry for the dog, MIL is an utter disgrace to do this now to 3 dogs.I'd talk to your husband, and say that he is to be the carer of the dog whilst all this is getting sorted out. He has a cheek dumping him on your you.

rookiemere · 13/08/2019 08:17

I'm surprised that the teens are getting any flack here.

They are jet lagged which is a fancy term for sleep deprived. Hardly spoilt brats to be so tired that they are crying because they've been woken from deep sleep and cannot settle again.

Dog cannot stay if continues to bark in the night , if it stays then DP MUST sleep downstairs with it.

diddl · 13/08/2019 08:20

If neither MIL or FIL want the dog then there's no point in respite (well other than for the dog from the two of them), it needs rehoming.

Like others, can't see why you are letting your husband not feel the result of his twatty decision.

It'd soon be gone when he's being put out!

AmateurSwami · 13/08/2019 08:21

I also don’t think your teens have done anything wrong. Dh and mil- yes. You and your teens? No.

Stressedout10 · 13/08/2019 08:22

I love dogs and have 1 of my own .
Please please rehome this puppy asap.

lovelookslikethis · 13/08/2019 08:25

Please don't leave the puppy in a garage or similar as suggested on here, that would be really cruel.

Dh needs to call his mother to rehome the puppy asap, your MIL is completely irresponsible. I would be furious. Let dh sort this out with his mother. The puppy needs to be gone by 5pm today. Your FIL can not have a puppy at home if he has had a hip op, so the puppy needs to be rehomed.

Poor little thing. What a terrible start he has had in life with your MIL and now being barked at by your dogs (not your fault) Please ensure he is somewhere secure and safe this evening.

Medievalist · 13/08/2019 08:32

Can it go back to the breeder? That would seem the sensible option.

If not it should go back to MIL.

If it stays with you DH needs to step up.

And given its breed make sure you have the best insurance you can get (which given its breed might be quite expensive).

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/08/2019 08:32

Your MIL is a twat for getting a dog that she can't handle, without checking with your FIL first and right before he gets a major operation.
Your DH is a twat for gifting all this responsibility onto you at a very inconvenient time for you and your children.

I'd definitely look at rehoming the dog, regardless of MIL's feelings - if she didn't want to lose £1000, then she should have thought it through properly, shouldn't she - maybe losing £1000 on this pup will prevent her from pulling the same stunt again in future. Let's hope so, anyway.

Snoopy1612 · 13/08/2019 08:33

I'm a daschund owner and I think they're the most stubborn breed ever! If you are going to keep even for a few more days try putting a nightlight on as they're not overly keen on the dark, we also left the radio on for 'company' overnight. Some also respond well to a covered bed. No one told mine that he isn't a shrunken doberman so he thinks he's a big dog! They are the most affectionate and loving of dogs but hard work to train and not for novices as they are so stubborn but very intelligent. Wishing you luck x

BogglesGoggles · 13/08/2019 08:34

I think you need to take it back to your MIL and tell her you will treat it as abandoned if she refuses to take it.

mydogisthebest · 13/08/2019 08:39

The poor dog should go back to the breeder. All good breeders get you to sign a contract saying if for any reason you can't keep their dog you hand it back to them.

If she paid £1,000 then I would hope the breeder is a good one

Mileysmiley · 13/08/2019 08:45

Why on earth would elderly people take on a boisterous puppy? I am half their age and wouldn't even consider it because I like my lazy cat. I think you need to rehome the dog or sell it. Perhaps get them a tortoise as a pet? ;)

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 13/08/2019 08:50

Rehome the pupper and don't worry about the fact that MIL will have to wear losing her dosh. If possible, contact the breeder and see if they can help in rehoming; failing that, the Dachshund Club will probably have a welfare section that could help, or you could try the Red Foundation, Emergency Dachshund Rescue UK. Daxies, or grass sneakers as I call them Grin are lovely and judging by all the adverts featuring them right now are going to be the next' big thing', not that that helps you right now.

NoSauce · 13/08/2019 08:51

If she paid £1,000 then I would hope the breeder is a good one

Sadly this isn’t always the case. With any popular breed there’s always people trying to make money with no real interest in their puppies, selling them to people that are wholly unsuitable, not doing the relevant checks to make sure the new owners know what they’re taking on, like this MIL for example.

Pipandmum · 13/08/2019 08:55

I’ve just read first page and as someone e suggested the breeder should take the dog back. They may give partial refund but that’s the least of it - the poor dog needs a proper loving home.

eddielizzard · 13/08/2019 08:57

Take the puppy back today and tell MIL you can't cope. Because that's the truth - you can't. Let her see how exhausted you all are. Your DH isn't down there with the puppy, so they're all expecting you to settle him, and you can't. So they'll have to think of another plan.

Medievalist · 13/08/2019 08:58

Why on earth would elderly people take on a boisterous puppy? I am half their age and wouldn't even consider it because I like my lazy cat.

Who knows 🤷‍♀️. My MIL is a not very fit 87 and has only recently stopped talking about getting a dog. Her friend, who is in her mid 70s, has recently acquired two Labrador puppies. Crazy.

BertrandRussell · 13/08/2019 09:02

“Why on earth would elderly people take on a boisterous puppy?

Er - because 70 year olds are allowed to do things apart from sit watching Countdown wrapped in slankets?
The MIL is being a complete idiot and a cruel selfish idiot. But her age is immaterial.

AiryFairyMum · 13/08/2019 09:06

Yes, breeder or breed rescue is the place. Tell MIL not to expect any money back though.

Bhappy12 · 13/08/2019 09:08

Sorry you're in this situation OP.

We had a similar problem with a dog that was pretty much abandoned with us (and REALLY didn't get on with the dog we already had). She howled all night long the first night or two, but it got less and less as time went on (she's been with us about 16 months now and it's been hard work, but she's a wonderful dog and the two dogs are really loving to each other now). We were her 5th home, though, so not surprising that she had separation anxiety.

This puppy is probably feeling very similar - it wasn't long ago that she was with (presumably) her mother and litter mates, then suddenly she's with MIL, who (again, presumably) was all over her then quickly lost interest, then suddenly she's with you and two older dogs before she's even been properly socialised. I imagine the barking is separation anxiety - there's a lot you can do about it (we got some brilliant over the phone advice from Wood Green Animal Shelter), BUT if the dog's permanent home isn't with you, it might not be the best idea for her to form attachments to you only for those to be broken later. It'd be better for her to go to a shelter who can deal with her anxiety and then rehome her to an appropriate home which has had all the relevant checks etc. Personally, i'd tell (or get DH to tell) MIL that it wasn't working out as all the dogs are distressed and she either needs to find a home boarder for the dog (if her plan is to keep the dog permanently) or a rescue centre - or, possibly, just take the dog to a rescue centre myself - she's obviously not interested in the poor thing anymore and it's the best way to ensure it has a good life.
Maybe worth talking to your DH about the responsibility he's left with you without even consulting you, too.

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