Simple and non challenging wife?

[IABUQueen]

So I heard BIL and MIL discussing what type of girl he wants. He is pretty young and me and MIL are pretty much LC because she is an extreme misogynist who thought I can be her slave and gave me hell...

She was discussing with her son, telling him she think he should go for girls who are very simple and naive, that she will accept anything that he gives her and appreciate.. she won’t expect much from life and so on...

Then she started suggesting specific girls for him to date ... clearly all from vulnerable backgrounds.. pointing out how each girl has family issues and stating that “when she has family issues she will never leave you”.

This obviously made me feel sick.. she is obviously after girls from vulnerable backgrounds for a reason. She is extremely controlling and manipulative and BIL is early twenties and is a mummy’s boy. His mother bullys him very bad... but he looks for her approval even more..

Problem now is... an 18 year old girl I know, who came visited me once and Bil nd mil was there... started being groomed by mil.. overly giving her gifts and complementing her looks and trying to encourage her son to flirt with her. This actually started when the girl was less than 18... and once I noticed I stopped letting her visit me.. as I believed she was being groomed and manipulated.

MIL knew of her background. Vulnerable as you guessed. She made points to her son, about how the girls family are shits. Seems like the most remarkable thing about the girl to them..

I love the girl dearly and was fiercely protective. I noticed the grooming worked on the girl.. she became besotted..

I took her to the side.. and spoke to her as a younger girl... vulnerable. I told her that this boys mother is manipulative. I told her he won’t make her happy.. i Spoke to DH and told him to tell his family to back off...

Problem is.. the girl is behaving in love.. she thinks I’m there to destroy her love story.. she started hating me..

Now the guys sister who is in her twenties, had managed to get that girls number.. the girl who was initially very very close to me, has been invited by the sister over and over. Still being manipulated and groomed in my opinion..

They’re not dating yet.. but I can tell the girl has become sooo desperate. Whatever I tell her she thinks I’m jealous..

She is a relative of mine.. and I feel soooo angry knowing all the context of why mil had groomed this girl... and why she actively encouraged her son to flirt with her.. it’s all cringe and not genuine..

Shall I step in and tell the girl that they only want her because she is vulnerable and they think she will accept a shit life and have low standards and it’s not because BIL actually respects her?

I don’t actually think she wants to believe whatever I have to say.. she pretty much hates me now and has been making secret meetings with my SIL (who hates me) and they formed an alliance.

I’m older than her obviously. I’m my late twenties. I genuinely have concerns for her but losing the confidence to do anything about it because the girl has had such an attitude towards me I’m actually hurt at how I managed to lose her over someone who is manipulating her..

What would you do?

It’s not my place to interfere but I just know too much and this girl is dear to me and it’s hurting me see all this happening

I can see why MIL is recommending someone a little more compliant than you.

longwayoff

5 years! Time to butt out. People have to make their own mistakes you can't protect everyone nor can you make people behave as you wish them too.

I can see why MIL is recommending someone a little more compliant than you.

Yes you would. You sound like you are the type that self combusts when your drama is ignored too, so you would understand MIL very well

Ohhhh OP, Pot, Kettle.

OP I am trying to locate a charity that we used to work with frequently in Birmingham who specialised in forced marriage. Whilst most forced marriage charities focussed on the cases that were obviously forced in the sense that they were taken abroad and marries off, this one focussed on the grooming side of forced marriage. I will ask some of my colleagues in the womens sheltets, they may know the details.

Hi Chista. Thanks for that.

But I’m not sure if this is considered forced marriage. The girl is fully able to consent, and will be able to meet the guy technically to decide if she likes him. However yes knowing the customs I am certain things will be conveniently rushed (as they tried with mine but I put up a fight).

I think she will rely fully on her infatuation which they groomed her into. Not really base things on BILs character as she simply has no knowledge of it properly.

It would be good to have contacts with the charity as I’m not sure how it will turn out for her but I do feel uneasy and feel like they’re planning to rush things in a way where she doesn’t get the time to actually examine BILs character. And I think she will be hitched while in FOG.

I think I would be totally relaxed if I felt she is being given the chance to completely use her judgement without being clouded with manipulation in the background. And while she is most definately being made insecure about her background (this was done to me) and how she is being rescued.

She probably won’t see it as forced as I didn’t either until I thought about it now.. she technically has the full ability to decline.. but you are right it seems BIL is going to make s move when the girl is completely FOGed and I don’t see her parents at all clocking it. So technically her judgement will be diminished.

Hope she is one of the rare ones that trust their instincts to guide them. Yet I feel she is young. She did strike me at times as someone who would put up a fight for what she believes but I still think that side of her is maturing. .. but I’m worried she is now behaving so desperate that this element of her personality has been put on hold.

Thanks for offering the charity I will have a look anyway, even if this isn’t really forced marriage in technical terms as I’m sure all sides would’ve gone more protective of her if they saw it this way. But maybe it’s not that different after all?

I’m still trying to work out whether the ultimate goal of this manipulation is to just use her to spite me, or whether she is just being groomed as an “option” for BIL and being led on and then might be heartbroken, or whether he actually is as serious about her as she is. I keep getting mixed messages. And I think DH is being told whatever I need to hear.

But I’m going to get ready for all those options so I know how to support her when the end game is in sight.

I don’t mean to be prude. But I have always been her go to person when things get hard.. so if she has distanced herself form me because my advice overwhelmed her and pulls her into different directions, I think it is still possible that when she realises the other direction pulling her isn’t as golden as they look, she might come back for support.. I hope.

So I need to be ready. As right now Its a challenge given that this isn’t infringing on my personal life. But I’ll take it as a growth curve for me

OP forced marriage can also be the concept of grooming someone into marriage, it is not simply the wider known definition of forcing someone to marry immediately, it is a very complex issue which can involve a lot of grooming which makes the individual believe that they are fully consenting. Its the same as any other type of grooming, the victim is convinces it is the right course of action.
Like I said in my previous post, not many FM organistions deal with this aspect of forced marriage but we did work with one previously and they were very good at supporting women in understanding it but allowing them to make their own decisions following the course.

Any books you recommend for girls like this ?

Also, what kind of things can make a girl appreciate that she needs to rely on her judgement and not on her trust of people around her who r more involved than they should be?

Don´t buy her a book about it! That really won't go down well.

I think the thing to do is to bolster her self-confidence and belief in herself in general. Let this topic lie, build up a good relationship with her, believe that she can run her own life successfully. Be there for sympathy when and if she needs it. But most of all, no unasked for advice. Show you believe that she can trust her own judgement.

Sonja obviously I wasn’t just going to go out of the blue offer her a book :S I’m just asking for a recommendation in case the topic arises generically at some point or I could generally mention it in a group setting to make her curious. Didn’t realise I’m coming across as non tactful and not sure why you assume I’m giving unasked advice.

We r quite LC atm but since I’m exploring the topic myself I thought I’d ask.

i definitely agree that grooming happens in relation to 'arranged' marriages.
in my family, i refused any discussion of an arranged marriage and have been ostracised from the whole family.
my siblings, groomed with parental favoritism, money, gifts, promises of more wealth to come via inheritances, playing to their ego's and vulnerabilities.

i only escaped because i found a job and had money to run away with and build my own life.
other girls that i knew weren't allowed to work, not allowed to build relationships outside of the 'community', not allowed out unchaperoned, not allowed to take part in the wider community and world to learn self confidence or resilience.

the only thing i can suggest is that you read up on everything, speak to some Forced Marriage organisations (race etc doesn't matter) as they will have advice on the grooming side of things as well.

have a look at this, hopefully it helps

www.anncrafttrust.org/signs-of-grooming-in-adults-what-to-watch-out-for/