Simple and non challenging wife?

[IABUQueen]

So I heard BIL and MIL discussing what type of girl he wants. He is pretty young and me and MIL are pretty much LC because she is an extreme misogynist who thought I can be her slave and gave me hell...

She was discussing with her son, telling him she think he should go for girls who are very simple and naive, that she will accept anything that he gives her and appreciate.. she won’t expect much from life and so on...

Then she started suggesting specific girls for him to date ... clearly all from vulnerable backgrounds.. pointing out how each girl has family issues and stating that “when she has family issues she will never leave you”.

This obviously made me feel sick.. she is obviously after girls from vulnerable backgrounds for a reason. She is extremely controlling and manipulative and BIL is early twenties and is a mummy’s boy. His mother bullys him very bad... but he looks for her approval even more..

Problem now is... an 18 year old girl I know, who came visited me once and Bil nd mil was there... started being groomed by mil.. overly giving her gifts and complementing her looks and trying to encourage her son to flirt with her. This actually started when the girl was less than 18... and once I noticed I stopped letting her visit me.. as I believed she was being groomed and manipulated.

MIL knew of her background. Vulnerable as you guessed. She made points to her son, about how the girls family are shits. Seems like the most remarkable thing about the girl to them..

I love the girl dearly and was fiercely protective. I noticed the grooming worked on the girl.. she became besotted..

I took her to the side.. and spoke to her as a younger girl... vulnerable. I told her that this boys mother is manipulative. I told her he won’t make her happy.. i Spoke to DH and told him to tell his family to back off...

Problem is.. the girl is behaving in love.. she thinks I’m there to destroy her love story.. she started hating me..

Now the guys sister who is in her twenties, had managed to get that girls number.. the girl who was initially very very close to me, has been invited by the sister over and over. Still being manipulated and groomed in my opinion..

They’re not dating yet.. but I can tell the girl has become sooo desperate. Whatever I tell her she thinks I’m jealous..

She is a relative of mine.. and I feel soooo angry knowing all the context of why mil had groomed this girl... and why she actively encouraged her son to flirt with her.. it’s all cringe and not genuine..

Shall I step in and tell the girl that they only want her because she is vulnerable and they think she will accept a shit life and have low standards and it’s not because BIL actually respects her?

I don’t actually think she wants to believe whatever I have to say.. she pretty much hates me now and has been making secret meetings with my SIL (who hates me) and they formed an alliance.

I’m older than her obviously. I’m my late twenties. I genuinely have concerns for her but losing the confidence to do anything about it because the girl has had such an attitude towards me I’m actually hurt at how I managed to lose her over someone who is manipulating her..

What would you do?

It’s not my place to interfere but I just know too much and this girl is dear to me and it’s hurting me see all this happening

OP sadly there are some Indian MILs who think exactly this, they will look for the girls/women who they think will be most compliant with what they want - generally for their sons to have a nice compliant wife who will give them a male heir.
All I can suggest is that you just try to be a loving relative and just listen to her and no suggestions about the in laws until you can see she trusts you. Does she have any close friends that can be of assistance?

I think you are being controlling because you are trying to stop her forming relationship with these other people. You are trying to stop them forming relationships with her in the way they choose. It is with the best of intentions but yes, I think this behaviour is controlling. Would you not find it controlling if another adult was trying to decide how you interact with other people? Would you not find their absolute certainty that you cannot manage your own relationships and need their direction interfering?

Bran I think I might say it the way you worded it. I wonder whether there is any tools and materials that I can genetically provide for her to help her learn how to set boundaries and not be manipulated and love bombed with fairness. I know my in laws would lose interest once they realize she has a voice..

Chista.. I think you are right this might be seen as normal in certain cultures but I surely don’t think the girl gets that impression from them at all and has different expectations. She thinks they think she is special- unlike the psycho me.

Son.. I don’t know. I’ll chew on it. But to clarify I have not done anything to “stop her forming relationships”. Whatever I did was when she was 15, under my supervision in my home.. and so I informed the parents and my husband to intervene.

She just now turned 18, actually she will in few days. And I haven’t intervened more even spoken to her. As I said she is LC with me. Avoids me. I’m just contemplating what to do. Haven’t even advised her anything whatever I did was when she was younger. Which I think is the right thing to do since she was below the age of consent and bil was 18/19.. so her having a crush on him and mil trying to encourage the flirting was just not morally right and as she is under my roof I believe it was the right thing to do.

But yeh I don’t know now that she is “almost” an adult, though emotionally immature.... I don’t know my role anymore.

Generically lol *

She’s not “almost” and adult, she is one. You can’t do anything. Just be there if it falls apart.

It's very unusual for an Indian mother to look for a white wife for her son. Is MIL's husband Indian too?

To clarify the reason she is avoiding me is because she knows from a previous conversation we had when she was few years younger that I don’t advise the relationship.

She also knows that my in laws and I are on extremely bad terms and I think she chose to take their side and she wants to dissociate herself from me so she isn’t seen as similarly psycho. She chose to believe their narrative. Ouch for me. And it’s probably awkward for her to talk to me about how she is becoming besties with SIL and MIL after she witnessed all the tears they put me through. Frankly I’m not sure I’m interested.

I think I would contact her one last time and say this:

Hi Sophie, I'm sorry if I upset you with my comments about MIL and BIL. It was never my intention to upset you. Please believe me when I say, I never wanted to interfere, I just wanted to help you avoid being manipulated and hurt by what I believe are not very nice people.

I understand that what i'm saying is not what you want to hear and when you've said your piece (as i have) all that is left to do is let you make up your own mind. I wish you every happiness in your relationship and if you do ever have a problem and need support then you should know my door is always open.

I have to say whilst your ILs behaviour is abhorrent, you seem to be acting in the same manner. You have told her on many occasions your thoughts on the relationship. Because she hasn't chosen to follow your advice you are continually badgering her.
I am assume she is trying to avoid you because she cant put up with your controlling and bullying nature.

You have told her on many occasions your thoughts on the relationship. Because she hasn't chosen to follow your advice you are continually badgering her.

Cool story bro. Where did you get this from?

Thank you storm, I’ll try think about it.

Maybe your Mil loves that she is upsetting you. Use the grey rock technique to bore her, so that she can't imagine that she is continuously scoring points against you. It might make this girl less appealing too, if you can give the impression that you don't care, she will be less of a prize.

5 years! Time to butt out. People have to make their own mistakes you can't protect everyone nor can you make people behave as you wish them too.

Maybe your Mil loves that she is upsetting you.

Oh most definately. She is using her to spite me. She tried unsuccessfully to create envy between us by trying to get DH to flirt with her and her with DH. That’s before I went NC. I will have a look at the grey rock technique. Sounds useful.

Very useful. Drama is a goal for her as it is attention, even if the attention is negative. If she sees that you want to protect this girl, harming/controlling her will be much more exciting. But, if you don't react, she will become bored. She may even question if her prize is a prize at all.

Thanks Jane. My experience is that when I don’t react it works for a while and then she finds some way to up her game to get a reaction out of me and DH. She has been quite obsessive it’s really overwhelming and draining the life out of me.

This scenario with my relative is just a recent episode because I managed to keep my cool for other things.

I’m struggling to process my emotions so I can become neutral. But I believe you are right that’s the only answer.

I know it won’t stop there. I’m so tired mentally

Sounds exhausting.

Just back off and let the drama carry on without reacting to it. Get on with your own life.

LOL this woman is a deluded fool!!!!

Men don't want a pushover 1600s style compliant dumb ass wife they just don't. Just like how most of us wouldn't want some dough boy of a man who was a complete wimp in every sense of the word.

They like someone that will verbally spar with them and have intellectual conversations and I'm sorry but people just don't stay with easy. They like a challenge. Clearly the MIL settled to come out with that drivel lol.

Scorpio.. I think you are talking about normal men. Not men who are enmeshed with their mothers and sisters and just need a girl for the bed. Because the funny part is MIL and SIL are extremely career oriented and educated yet want a a simplistic non working housewife who comes from vulnerable backgrounds and has no words to speak for the boy.

How old is BiL now? If they do get together, it might turn out that he is more defensive of his wife than you currently think. Your DH has turned out alright (I assume) despite having this mother and sister, so why mightn´t he also turn out alright?

Sadlt Scorpio you are not making allowances for cultural differences, I know many men who want someone that their mother has selected or approved off. That means generally a 'compliant village girl' for want of a better term.

Everything is possible really.. BIL isn’t too bad when he is detached from the drama queens. But he rarely ever is.

But the idea is that they fully know they’re taking advantage of a vulnerable girl and deliberately doing so and I’m not sure why that’s something to be dismissed.

I don’t think anyone would like to know that the man who pretended to fancy the grounds they walk on was only doing that because his mum told him this girl was easy to silence once taken advantage of.

Again . Not my place to do anything. But I’m afraid I’m gonna allow myself to be royally pissed off on behalf of my relative who is getting deceived.

If things work out in the future that’s good.. but ends don’t justify the means and it will involve heartbreak before it works

You don't need to be neutral (that would be nearly impossible), you just need to pretend to be neutral, indifferent and bored. That is what will drive her off her tree the most, so you will have that satisfaction. She probably doesn't want another daughter-in-law who will take her on and she imagines that your relative will stay docile. If only she could demonstrate a streak of self assertion, independence or moral courage, if she somehow found a voice, your mil would be alarmed. If you can find a reason to delay the inevitable, your mil might not have the self control to stay calm and could start to show your relative a bit of her nature.

Ahh Jane you are right. Light bulb moment. I have seen mil self combust when her drama didn’t bring her attention from me and her son. She becomes so focused on getting a reaction out of us she loses track of trying to look good which is her only motive in life.

So your right, I’m gonna encourage myself to remain neutral and look forward to her self combusting and exposing her true colors to my relative. Because only then will she believe.

To be honest ur right, my relative isn’t as much of s doormat as I was. I think the moment she starts having a bit of a voice, which given the opportunity I will encourage, she will be able to see another side. So perhaps the more she mixes with them the better.

Im gonna have some faith in her to trust her own instincts and judgement. I hope she does this faster than I did.. and I hope by me not feeding their drama it will be a catalyst for that to happen v soon. Hope I won’t be wrong.

I guess the best I can do is take a back seat, and let them know the tool they’re using against me isn’t working which will make them soon lose interest and show their faces.

I guess I’m projecting my own anxiety onto the situation. But truth is, it is very different.

I have planted the seed. The girl knows not to dismiss her judgement (like I unfortunately had done) because she already has a validating story of how I was treated at the back of her mind. So hopefully, she will see things for herself faster than I did.

I dismissed my judgement for a long time because I was told only good things about mil and sil by my husband. I chose to believe in their version of reality instead of what I’m seeing..

Hopefully despite the fact that she doesn’t like it, but whatever I had told her already has given her some validation for when she faces some odd behavior and doubts herself..

I think perhaps I need to appreciate that her situation is slightly more advantaged than mine.. due to me shedding some light..

And I guess I can’t over protect someone. I guess it is good for someone to experience reality of life for themselves so they grow.. as long as they have been equipped.

I don’t think it’s fair on me to disadvantage myself further by telling her all the details I know. I think she has seen enough of what I experienced with them to have believed they’re not nice people. And whatever is making her live in denial will hopefully fade with time.

I am angry at the length my in laws are going to annoy me.. but I guess soon they will lose the energy again.

I must selfishly admit that I’m also hurt that my relative chose to believe their narrative. But I guess they’re just experts at their relational aggression and have chose to pick on her BECAUSE she was someone I valued in my life dearly. I guess It’s an experience for me to never let them see who is close to me in my personal life so they also don’t become tools. This has happened faaaar tooo often with personal friends of mine which they decided to “befriend” and isolate me from. So I know my instincts are right on this one based on recent history..

I feel like I can weather this storm. I should try just be positive... and believe a bit more in my relative..

Even if they see her as vulnerable, I know she has inner strength and can get through this. They’re focused on her weakness to prey on, but I see her potential and I know she can be strong.

Thanks all.