Simple and non challenging wife?

[IABUQueen]

So I heard BIL and MIL discussing what type of girl he wants. He is pretty young and me and MIL are pretty much LC because she is an extreme misogynist who thought I can be her slave and gave me hell...

She was discussing with her son, telling him she think he should go for girls who are very simple and naive, that she will accept anything that he gives her and appreciate.. she won’t expect much from life and so on...

Then she started suggesting specific girls for him to date ... clearly all from vulnerable backgrounds.. pointing out how each girl has family issues and stating that “when she has family issues she will never leave you”.

This obviously made me feel sick.. she is obviously after girls from vulnerable backgrounds for a reason. She is extremely controlling and manipulative and BIL is early twenties and is a mummy’s boy. His mother bullys him very bad... but he looks for her approval even more..

Problem now is... an 18 year old girl I know, who came visited me once and Bil nd mil was there... started being groomed by mil.. overly giving her gifts and complementing her looks and trying to encourage her son to flirt with her. This actually started when the girl was less than 18... and once I noticed I stopped letting her visit me.. as I believed she was being groomed and manipulated.

MIL knew of her background. Vulnerable as you guessed. She made points to her son, about how the girls family are shits. Seems like the most remarkable thing about the girl to them..

I love the girl dearly and was fiercely protective. I noticed the grooming worked on the girl.. she became besotted..

I took her to the side.. and spoke to her as a younger girl... vulnerable. I told her that this boys mother is manipulative. I told her he won’t make her happy.. i Spoke to DH and told him to tell his family to back off...

Problem is.. the girl is behaving in love.. she thinks I’m there to destroy her love story.. she started hating me..

Now the guys sister who is in her twenties, had managed to get that girls number.. the girl who was initially very very close to me, has been invited by the sister over and over. Still being manipulated and groomed in my opinion..

They’re not dating yet.. but I can tell the girl has become sooo desperate. Whatever I tell her she thinks I’m jealous..

She is a relative of mine.. and I feel soooo angry knowing all the context of why mil had groomed this girl... and why she actively encouraged her son to flirt with her.. it’s all cringe and not genuine..

Shall I step in and tell the girl that they only want her because she is vulnerable and they think she will accept a shit life and have low standards and it’s not because BIL actually respects her?

I don’t actually think she wants to believe whatever I have to say.. she pretty much hates me now and has been making secret meetings with my SIL (who hates me) and they formed an alliance.

I’m older than her obviously. I’m my late twenties. I genuinely have concerns for her but losing the confidence to do anything about it because the girl has had such an attitude towards me I’m actually hurt at how I managed to lose her over someone who is manipulating her..

What would you do?

It’s not my place to interfere but I just know too much and this girl is dear to me and it’s hurting me see all this happening

One last conversation in that you tell her that you'll always be there for her. She's an adult and can make her own decisions. That she should look out for the red flags that you've warned her about but that you hope that you are wrong and she has a happy relationship. That you won't bring up the subject again but she should remember that she can always come to you if she ever needs you.

Then every time you see her in the future keep to neutral subjects.

You're married into a family of Games of Thrones levels of scheming nastiness.

No, I’m married to DH. He is LC with his family. Yes I was vulnerable but he was away from his mother when we met. I wasn’t groomed by her. But my vulnerable background was why I was love bombed and brainwashed by her until I gave up many things and then she turned very toxic. She later used my background against me and tried to break my marriage. Having big issues with her atm. Mumsnet identified her as a narcissist. Which is how I came out of the fog and DH is getting there too.

He doesn’t like what’s happening but also doesn’t see the manipulation and doesn’t know how to stop it. Just superficially sees that they’re behaving odd and get angry so I’d rather deal with t myself as I don’t want to create more mess and drama. He thinks the girl is besotted with his brother and doesn’t make connections. He hasn’t been facilitating this with his family. He is angry that they’re not getting busy elsewhere instead ignored meddling in my own contacts.

I need to have a conversation with him about what I heard his mum and brother talk about. But I really don’t know if I’m overthinking sometimes. They could easily explain it as that. I only see it because it wasn’t a series of events I noticed but I didn’t make a big fuss to DH about it as when disconnected these events seem benign. That’s how manipulation works isn’t it.

And no I didn’t allow this to continue for 5 years... I stopped facilitating any meet ups when I realized. I DID briefly inform the girl what they’re up to but didn’t express myself properly. I DID tell her they’re not nice people.. I DID briefly explain to her parents what was going on..I DID speak to in laws and tell them not to get involved with a minor’s dating life away from the parents. but they made me out to be silly and that they’re just being friends due to sill liking her. DH agreed with me and said what he had to say. But we can’t control everyone on this scene.

BIL wasn’t really doing anything as the girl is young. I told him directly I’m fiercely protective of her.

I thought that’s that. But They made their way back to contact her after 3 years of me going LC and then NC or so when girl turned 18.

I’m only suspicious of this whole thing because of the history. And because I know how naive this girl is.. and how much she enjoyed the attention when she was young.. and was too naive to listen to me warning her.

@IAskTooManyQuestions

Sorry - what nationality are you - you dont write like English is your first language, is there a cultural significance we should be aware of here?

That's what I thought too.

What country/nationalities, OP?

I wished someone had stepped in and saved me from the learning the hard way.

I guess this is the route of all this. I wish someone had warned me about mil before I handed her my life on a platter.. I would’ve been distant from the start.

Thanks everyone for the sensible advice. I think I need to get over my personal hurt that she allowed herself to be used against me and wise up and send her s message saying I will be there for her and to look out for warning signs and just back off from there.

Hope it doesn’t come back to bite me.

Mil is Indian. Girl is white.

If I’m honest I also feel massively betrayed that this girl and her parents threw me under the bus despite my warnings. They preferred to believe I’m a bit of a psycho. Despite me being there for the girl for the majority of her life.

I wonder sometimes if manipulation is an excuse.

Honestly, the only way I can see you actually preventing this is by manipulating her yourself into believing that BIL is beneath her. And that’s not very ethical. The alternative is to hope that she either wises up or she isn’t as hopeless as you think she is.

Mumsnet identified her as a narcissist

In fact I was thinking initially to do the opposite..

To let this girl know that I’m fact I cannot be there for her and help her if she gets involved with them because I went LC with in laws and despite me caring about her I cannot let them use her to pressure me into having things their way.

It seems from pp advice that this is the opposite of what I should be doing.

In all honesty, I can only be there for her if she doesn’t drag me into mess with in laws. Which would probably mean that I can only be there for her once she works out that they’re being fake and starts wanting NC too. I don’t see this happening until too late. She is too young to have developed awareness of red flags of manipulation,

Sounds like the girl is desperate to escape her family. She'll see what she wants to see, hear what she wants to hear. You see this kind of denail all the time on MN. You've given her an ear worm that will stay with her. You might feel you've failed but you haven't. When the trouble inevitably starts she will be less inclined to think "is this all in my imagination, am I the unreasonable one?" And more inclined to think "crap, this is what they warned me about". Her chances of coming out stronger rather than weaker are thus much higher. Good job.

She might even succeed in using them to escape her current situation then also leave them behind onto a better life. She might manage to detach BIL from MIL and end up LC like you. Only time will tell.

Step back oP. You might not like this, find it manipulating and distasteful but the people involved are now all consenting adults. You cannot and shouldn't try and play God on this. Leave them all to it and distance yourself from any likely fallout later on.

TowelNumber42

Thank you this was very comforting to read. I truly hope so.

I think your idea of too late is wrong. She is going to go into this relationship. It is only too late if she exits the relationship utterly mentally destroyed. She will learn the hard way. You can help by detaching but being there when she has her "oh fuck!" moment to help her extricate herself. That's a win.

X-post. You've done a good thing. Now step away and let it play out. Maintain your own boundaries in future when she seeks help - there's only so far you should go.

Why have you had a vulnerable teenager coming to your house

whereisthebloodypostman

You missed the part where I mentioned she is directly related to me.

To clear my conscience, I would tell her exactly the conversations I’d overheard in detail. Explain you are telling her as she has a right to know the truth and you have to tell her as otherwise you are in an impossible situation. Make clear what she does with the knowledge, whether she believes it or not is up to her. You know she is likely not to believe it but there’s nothing you can do about that. You will NOT be in the position of having information which is likely to impact on her future happiness, and not impart it to her though. Tell her you are her relative and will be there if she needs you.
Now it’s up to her. End of.
I think I would not be happy with the way my DH was behaving in this. He should be warning off his DB, DM and your relative.

I guess I’m convincing myself though that perhaps we do need to go manipulation once to learn how to avoid it. I just hope the consequences aren’t dire. I don’t know how to convince her of warning signs.

Ugly world. I am just gonna try not get worked up when I see a girl I love be manipulated by people I distrust.. I will just tell myself that this will make her stronger and she needs to come the other end on her own to learn.

I really cannot tell her the conversations as she will end up telling sil and it will be denied and will just cause ME drama. I feel like she would’ve believed me when I told her they’re not good people when I did, but she is desperate and so everything I say will just make me sound more like a psycho than an advisor.

I’m pretty sure my in laws made her believe I don’t have her best interest at heart.

Basically there is nothing you can do except step back but let the teenager make her own decisions. Keep LC with these awful I laws but make it clear to the girl you are there for her if and when she needs help.

The thing is, despite your own experiences and what you think is likely to happen, you don't actually know what will happen. This girl is might turn out to be a very different personality, and her relationship with BiL will be unique to them. You cannot predict the future with 100% certainty. Although it is with the best of intentions, I think you are being controlling, and most adults will not tolerate that. I am not surprised this girl has turned against you because of this.

I think you have given your warning and now you should step back and let what happens happen. Rather than trying to stop this girl living her life as she is choosing, be the person she can turn to later if it all goes wrong.

Then she started suggesting specific girls for him to date ... clearly all from vulnerable backgrounds.. pointing out how each girl has family issues and stating that “when she has family issues she will never leave you”

Wow what an idiot 😂 also she has no idea what she’s talking about. As someone from a “vulnerable background” (NC with one parent, very LC with the other) its definitely made me much quicker to get rid of people, to the point where I’m probably too far in the other direction.

In fact people who come from divorced families are more likely to get divorced themselves as it’s less normalised to stay in a bad marriage/relationship to them.

I think you are being controlling, and most adults will not tolerate that.

I haven’t taken much action aside from stepping back and informed them when the teenager was not yet an adult that she is being groomed.

I’m aware that I’m probably seen as controlling by her for not supporting her. But I’m not sure what part Made you feel I am controlling ?

I’m precisely asking for advice here because I don’t wanna step on any toes IF I decide to do something about it.

I do however have a reputation amongst in laws that I’m “controlling”. So I would appreciate if you shed some light as I might grow to see how I’m in the wrong, because now I don’t

I think you should get some outside advice from someone who isn't involved, and I mean from an authority such as the NSPCC, not a mate.
This is a very intense and unpleasant drama being played out with an identifiable victim of grooming.

You need to still treat her with respect as though she has agency here. You will be proved right in the end likely (unfortunately) but apart from that, you cannot physically stop your family member from making relationship mistakes. The messenger usually gets shot.
I think id tell her, look, ive given you warnings but i know you can make your own mind up, but please just keep your eyes open and your wits about you.