Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

6 year old screaming crying when going with his Dad

75 replies

Riddickm · 12/08/2019 15:49

My ex and I have always been on very good terms. We split amicably and our son has always been close to both of us. We always had a fluid contact arrangement and generally he would see our son every other weekend.
My son and I are very very close. We have so much fun together and I think the reason for all this is quite simply he misses me when he is away from home.

It started around 4 with him saying he didn’t want to go to his Dad but he would reluctantly go without any opposition. Then it progressed to him having a few tears. But recently he’s been crying his eyes out saying he doesn’t love his dad he doesn’t like visiting him or his family and he wants to stay at home with me and nana and grandad (I live with my parents).

In the school holidays he goes for 2 weeks in the summer and a week the other times and goes every other weekend term time.

A few days ago he was due to go to his Dads for two weeks holiday but he screamed crying so badly his Dad wasn’t able to take him to the car as he was hysterical. I had never seen him like that. If my ex had walked away with him like that someone might have called the police! It was like he was being abducted.

My ex said he would come back the next day to try again. The next day he just picked our son up and put him in the car. He was hysterical. He was crying and screaming saying he didn’t want to go, saying ‘please mummy’. It was beyond awful and has upset me since he left.

Everyone says my son just needs to go, his Dad has a right to see him, he needs to learn he has to see his Dad etc.

I have never ever restricted contact or in any way been difficult with contact but this time I’m really not convinced making him go was the right thing to do. I just FaceTimed him and he’s asking to go home every single time he has a phone call with me. So it’s not as if he’s fine once he’s there.

His dad is a good dad. I have absolutely no concerns around his care when at his dads. His dad adores him as does his paternal grandparents. He just misses me and his home.

I’ve tried so many things to improve the situation. My son can’t mention one thing he doesn’t like about his dads place just that he misses me.

AIBU to consider reducing contact with his Dad until we can work out a way for our Son to go where he’s not hysterical? My heart is broken by it all :-( My Son now screams hysterically whenever he has to go and even cries days before he is due to go If you mention it. It’s causing me so much sadness and stress.

OP posts:
coolestmum · 12/08/2019 15:55

Poor little soul and poor you. Thats a tricky one. As you get on well could you possibly spend some time all 3 of you together somewhere neutral and then your ds goes to his dads after that, to try and make the transition a little less fraught?
And obviously are you 100% sure its just because he misses you? What contact does he have with anyone else when at his dads?

Summerunderway · 12/08/2019 15:58

What does ds think you do when he is away? I used to tell mine I had boring chores to do etc so they didn't think they were missing out!
Can you tell him you have started a hobby to make new friends? Say its adults only but you can do something together when he gets back.

Hadalifeonce · 12/08/2019 15:59

I think you have to continue with the contact, as long as he knows he will be coming back to you. It does seem very hard, and I know it must break your heart, but think how his dad will be feeling, especially if your child only wants to not go because he misses you.
He must get used to not being with you all the time, it could cause all kinds of problems re separation anxiety; my nephew has problems at school because he hates being away from his mother, so when at school, he latches on to someone, then finds it very very difficult if that person wants to play with someone else.

Original poster
Riddickm · 12/08/2019 16:03

I work part time and spend a lot of time with him when not at work. We do have fun.
I think he feels he’s missing out on our fun times when he’s with his Dad.
I think his Dad is more stern and less warm with him. Less cuddles and kisses but his Dad does love him.
Of course there could be someone who isn’t the nicest to him over there but I really don’t think so. He’s never once suggested anything like that. He just says he misses me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Riddickm · 12/08/2019 16:05

He’s good at being away from me when it’s not overnight. He happily runs to school and has loads of friends.

He just doesn’t like being away overnight.

Although he’s had a few sleepovers with friends which he’s happily gone to.

I have no concerns regarding his attachment to me at all.

OP posts:
HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 12/08/2019 16:10

I think you need to continue contact as normal. If he thinks you are doing fun things then you need to explain to him that's not true and that he will have fun at his Dads.

Imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed and your ex said he was reducing contact because your son wanted to stay at home with him because it was more fun.

onioncrumble · 12/08/2019 16:28

Bugger that. I was in this situation I'm the early 80s. I didn't hate my dad but wanted to be at home. Next was school fear. Within a year I would have been agrophobic except my mum had a boyfriend and a life and I was a nomad. I just wanted a home

StrawberryCrunch · 12/08/2019 16:38

It's hard. I don't think you can cut contact though.

What do you say about his time at dads? We had a similar issue and we had to be extra extra cheerful about them going i.e. no talk of how much you'll miss him when he's at dad's, make it seem like you're really happy for him to go, talk about how much fun he'll have, how you're not doing anything fun without him (maybe just boring chores like suggested) etc..

I actually think one of the worst things you can do is make it obvious that if he cries, he doesn't have to go to dad's.

You say there is no concern around his care so in that case I'd really still be encouraging the contact.

How often is he facetiming you? Is it every night?

I actually feel for his dad in this as well (as well as your son of course).

Missingstreetlife · 12/08/2019 16:42

Ask him why. Ask him if something has happened

Watchingthyme · 12/08/2019 16:45

How is he when he’s actually there. I mean if he’s crying hysterically for 2 weeks solid then that’s a different thing from a child having a meltdown and then clearly enjoying their time when they’re there

thecatinthetwat · 12/08/2019 16:50

Why would his Dad want to take him against his wishes? That sounds awful.

I'm sure it's upsetting for his Dad, but his child should come first. I would talk to him about it and arrange some days out with the three of you. You can't carry on like this.

CalishataFolkart · 12/08/2019 16:50

@Watchingthyme - from the OP:

“I just FaceTimed him and he’s asking to go home every single time he has a phone call with me. So it’s not as if he’s fine once he’s there.”

Watchingthyme · 12/08/2019 16:53

@CalishataFolkart
That’s not really what I meant. I mean when he is there is he having meltdowns and begging to go home when he’s not talking/ seeing his mum.

wlucy · 12/08/2019 16:53

I used to hate staying away overnight and a big part of it was that I felt sorry for my mum - I used to imagine her spending the evening lonely and upset. Does he know that you are ok with him going and that you wont be alone and pining after him all night?
Maybe go to the bear factory or a nice shop to choose a teddy or a figure together that he can take with him so that he has a nice transitional object that reminds him of you.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 12/08/2019 16:53

Why would his Dad want to take him against his wishes? That sounds awful.

Because otherwise his father would never get to see him. If the child was hysterical about going to school the Op would still take him in. It's in his best interests to go to school just like it is better for him to spend time with his father than never see him.

FurrySlipperBoots · 12/08/2019 16:54

How horrible for everyone.

I had terrible anxiety about going to school when I was little, just because of missing my mum. Often she would give in and keep me off. I have a lot of gaps in my learning now, and often wonder how different my life would have been if she'd made me go.

To be honest I would seek therapy for your son. Google play therapists in your area. I don't feel like you can force him if hes that distressed, but it's not fair on his dad to drastically reduce contact, and long term their relationship could suffer for it. Play therapy can only help I think.

In the meantime is there a compromise between forcing him to leave you and reducing contact? Maybe you could all go to the park together, but you sit down and read the paper and he plays with his dad, but you're still there in the background? You can sit in the pool cafe while they swim, in the computer suite of the library (on Mumsnet!) while his dad reads with him, even get on with chores at home while his dad entertains him downstairs or in the garden. Maybe build up to his dad taking him out on a bike or to the local shop for sweets, lengthening the time he's away from you?

Maybe introduce a pocket mascot, something small like a Sylvanian animal maybe, that you give a kiss to before he leaves so he always has your kiss right there in his pocket if he needs it?

Singlenotsingle · 12/08/2019 16:55

No point making DS go if it upsets him so much. And it's not a father's right to see his dc. It's the child's right to see his df - AND THIS ONE DOESN'T WANT TO. Maybe he would be ok if it was just day visits, and come home in the evening?

Iamclearlyamug · 12/08/2019 16:56

my DD used to do this when she was younger if she spent the weekend with her grandparents, if I spoke to her on the phone or FaceTime she'd want to come home, but apparently was fine at any other time. So I stopped the phone calls and just got updates by text from my parents - out of sight out of mind.

It sounds very difficult but I don't think you can stop contact when there's no problems with his dads parenting - it must be really upsetting for his dad too

lyralalala · 12/08/2019 16:56

How is he between phone calls? Do the phone calls help or hinder him?

I think you really need t emphasise to him that you aren't having fun stuff while he's away. I had this with my DD's when they were younger when they were convinced we were going to the zoo/playing their favourite game while they were away.

We used to make a calendar - Monday All Zoo Tuesday All Wii games Wednesday Mum work. Girls X activity with Dad Thursday Mum hoovering & washing Girls Y with Dad. If you can get his Dad on board for a bit that might really help.

CalishataFolkart · 12/08/2019 16:57

Please listen to your son. Maybe he is getting worked up over “nothing” in that he can’t tell you an actual reason why he doesn’t want to go, but there’s clearly “something.” I’m not suggesting abuse but an overnight visit with people he has only seen once a fortnight for the last two years isn’t making him feel safe and secure.
Do the visits have to be overnight? I’m sure it is hard on his dad but the current system is only getting worse and your son isn’t showing any signs of getting over it.
I’m a child who used to ask my mother if she had to go out the one night of the week that she did. My dad was “stern” which to a six year old translated into “frightening.”

lyralalala · 12/08/2019 16:57

Also if you can work together with their Dad so that if you are calling you have a quick call just before something fun. It's much less upsetting to see Mum then go to the park than it is to see Mum then lie in bed thinking about what Mum is up too.

Merryoldgoat · 12/08/2019 16:58

How local is your ex? Could you try no-overnights for a while and build back up?

averythinline · 12/08/2019 17:02

How is he once he's there?

not when your facetiming or whatever.....what does DH say he's like..?
I think that should drive your response..
If hes ok when he;s there then maybe focus on the transition -
is it any better if you drop him off and then withdraw (bit like sleep training) ?
Could his dad have a bribe/toy/tablet he gets once he's in teh car or some sort of reward scheme..

maybe there are a few strategies yu could find in the starting school threads...about transitions

the facetime etc may make things worse as its a reminder that he's not with you....

I would not restrict contact with a father that loves him - buut maybe you can work on strategies to help him...

keepingbees · 12/08/2019 17:05

It's not your ex's right to see him. It's your sons right to see his dad. It should be done in his best interests, not what suits your ex. And thats clearly not the case at the moment.
It could just be a phase, 6 is still so young and 2 weeks is a long time to take a child away from his home and mum. If overnights aren't working for now then do daytimes only. You said you're fluid with contact so just see how it goes. Be positive and encouraging, which it sounds like you are being, but it is wrong to force an hysterical child into a situation they're not happy with.

Poochandmutt · 12/08/2019 17:07

What about the rights of the child to have a say in their life .
I was terrified of my dad ,yet I was forced to go .
I think the dad should not be forcing this and he should wait untill his son wants to stay over night.
Dad should visit at sons home untill son wants to go
I’m no contact with my dad since I was 16 ..mid 40s now

Swipe left for the next trending thread