6 year old screaming crying when going with his Dad

[Riddickm]

My ex and I have always been on very good terms. We split amicably and our son has always been close to both of us. We always had a fluid contact arrangement and generally he would see our son every other weekend.
My son and I are very very close. We have so much fun together and I think the reason for all this is quite simply he misses me when he is away from home.

It started around 4 with him saying he didn’t want to go to his Dad but he would reluctantly go without any opposition. Then it progressed to him having a few tears. But recently he’s been crying his eyes out saying he doesn’t love his dad he doesn’t like visiting him or his family and he wants to stay at home with me and nana and grandad (I live with my parents).

In the school holidays he goes for 2 weeks in the summer and a week the other times and goes every other weekend term time.

A few days ago he was due to go to his Dads for two weeks holiday but he screamed crying so badly his Dad wasn’t able to take him to the car as he was hysterical. I had never seen him like that. If my ex had walked away with him like that someone might have called the police! It was like he was being abducted.

My ex said he would come back the next day to try again. The next day he just picked our son up and put him in the car. He was hysterical. He was crying and screaming saying he didn’t want to go, saying ‘please mummy’. It was beyond awful and has upset me since he left.

Everyone says my son just needs to go, his Dad has a right to see him, he needs to learn he has to see his Dad etc.

I have never ever restricted contact or in any way been difficult with contact but this time I’m really not convinced making him go was the right thing to do. I just FaceTimed him and he’s asking to go home every single time he has a phone call with me. So it’s not as if he’s fine once he’s there.

His dad is a good dad. I have absolutely no concerns around his care when at his dads. His dad adores him as does his paternal grandparents. He just misses me and his home.

I’ve tried so many things to improve the situation. My son can’t mention one thing he doesn’t like about his dads place just that he misses me.

AIBU to consider reducing contact with his Dad until we can work out a way for our Son to go where he’s not hysterical? My heart is broken by it all :-( My Son now screams hysterically whenever he has to go and even cries days before he is due to go If you mention it. It’s causing me so much sadness and stress.

Why can't you go with your son when your ex is taking him - help him settle where your ex lives. Might be worthwhile taking his favourite toys to your ex's place.

I think the onus is on you sadly to help him settle since the change in parenting styles is too much for your child to understand. Most children love the 'fun parent' so you're going to have to create activities which replicate your home environment

I have no idea whether this is the right advice but this is what I would do with my DC in the same situation. Cuddle up on the sofa and ask again why he doesn't want to go to his dads, remind him he can tell you anything and you will listen and try to help. If he's still sticking to missing you being the only reason then talk about which things are different at dads (to see if you can pinpoint something ex could do differently that might help) and what specifically he is missing about you/home. It could be something as simple as a missing part of his routine (bedtime story, goodnight kiss, no nightlight and he's afraid of the dark etc) which ex hasn't realised matters as much as it does to a little boy.

And talk to ex, it must be awful for both of you so try and get him on board with finding a solution together so you don't come up against a brick wall if reducing or changing contact for a while turns out to be what DS needs. I think pinpointing what's upsetting him is key here though, obviously you don't want to push him but I would certainly be trying to give him opportunities to talk about what's wrong.

If it really is just that he thinks he's missing out on fun with you though then there's definitely something in what PP's said about making your time away from him sound either deathly boring or super busy so you wouldn't be able to spend time with him anyway. It does seem a pretty extreme reaction to me if it's just that but still not impossible, he's 6 after all.

I was terrified of my dad ,yet I was forced to go .

Which would be acceptable if that was the same situation the Ops DS was in however its not. He enjoys being at his dads house and his father is a good dad. He is probably fine until it comes to the nightly phone call as the problem seems to be that he misses his mum which is what is making him so upset.

I think people have to be careful not to project. OP is clear that she has absolutely no concerns over her ex and the care of her child when she's with him. Of course you should ask if there's anything specific that's happened but sometimes 6 year olds just get upset about leaving mum and there's nothing more sinister to it than that.

I think if you are sure there is no bigger issue here it really wouldn't be a good idea to cut down contact. All that is telling him is he gets to decide where he goes and when. I know people will say that he should get to decide but I don't actually agree with that all the time, especially in a situation where the only problem is he misses mum, he's only 6.

OP and her ex are the ones who need to decide what is best for him at this age and that isn't always necessarily what the child wants and it certainly isn't what will make the parents feel better. In this situation I think what's best is maintaining contact with his dad but working on various ways to make that easier for the DS, maybe less face timing, not talking about how much you'll miss him, making sure he knows you're not having loads of fun without him, maybe even more contact with his dad but just through the day or for tea once a week so he gets more used to being at his house/with him rather than just EOW.

I think you really do need to encourage this (unless you do have concerns over his safety or care obviously).

I don't know about the facetiming situation but when his dad picks him up could you arrange to be out? Presumably your Mum or Dad would be there and hand him over?

Tbf 2 weeks is quite a long time to be apart from you, especially if he doesn't like to be parted from you.

I'd be worried that something is going on. If this started when he was 4, and has got worse since then, something's causing this, and I don't think missing his mum is the reason.

I think you should get him to a child psychologist to get to the bottom of this. It's not fair to force him to go if he's getting hysterical. This is about the child's rights, not the father's. His father can still come and see him.

I would actually encourage ex to.increae contact - perhaps 1 night a week they could do a hobby together? Perhaps ex could do say Friday pickup and saturday evening drop off once a week.

You havnt by accident made ds think your lonely without him or you are sad when he's not there?

I’m going through the same thing. My 8yo doesn’t want to go to his dad. His dad is a good day (in his own way) and my son gives no explanation to why he doesn’t want to go other than that he wants to stay home with myself, his stepdad and DD.

I don’t force him to go though. As much as I need the break from DS and he needs to see his dad. I can’t force him to go if he’s hysterical.

So hard. No advice but I hope it’s just a passingly phase for you and your son will enjoy his trips to his dad again.

My youngest DD does this from time to time, since being four (she’s now eight). She goes with her elder sister (ten). If I don’t have plans, I keep her with me. If it’s a case of she has to go then she has to suck it up and go. I’ve stopped phoning to check if she’s ok as she will calm down and be fine but gets upset again if she speaks to me.

Guess that doesn’t really help you, but I’d think about reducing contact until it settles down xx

Many many boys have a really close relationship with their mums up until around 8-9, I know mine did. However, after this point they start to associate more with dads if around, or other strong male influences if not dad. If you could somehow relax the situation for the time being, perhaps short visits or group visits, or even none at all for a while but regular FaceTimes with his dad or phone conversations, their relationship can still stay strong and his dad will be there when your boy is ready in a couple of years. It is difficult but I’d ask your ex to put his ds before his ego and his natural desire to see him. It will happen if he doesn’t ruin it now by insisting.

2 weeks when your ds usually only goes every other weekend is a lot. If you're confident there's nothing going on at your ex's I would actually look at increasing contact to include a night a week for ds at ex's as well. It is a long time for your ds to keep getting upset at going though, could school offer some sort of drawing/play therapy to see if ds would open up.?

It started over 2 years ago and it's got worse to the point he's screaming hysterically.

It can't really go on, you need to sit down with your ex and come up with a plan to make him feel comfortable and secure. If your ex is a good dad he'll want to do this.

I actually think two weeks away from his home at that age is a really long time. Can you split the time a bit more so his dad has two weeks but split slightly so that it's not a huge chunk of time away at once?

I can't imagine many six year olds wanting to spend two weeks solid away from their mum, their home, their room and all the comforts that come with it - that's a huge ask.

I'd certainly be worried about sex abuse. When these things come out the reaction is almost invariably that no-one would ever have suspected the perpetrator. They don't have signs round their necks.
Whether this is the cause of your son's distress or not it's at a level where he can only benefit from professional help.

I'm glad you said that @EileenAlanna. All the pps, missing the glaringly obvious, and who seemingly think that because he's a good dad, he couldn't possibly be like that. I'm sure the wives and partners of the convicted paedophiles also thought the same about their partners.

Something is causing this, and OP shouldn't discount the possibility of SA, just because her ex doesn't seem the "type".

Thanks for all the replies.
He lives a 2 hours drive away so a bit too far for regular day trips but on days when my ex has come up and we’ve done things with all three of us our Son has been fine. He enjoyed his Dad’s company and there were no problems.
My Son has said a few times he doesn’t mind seeing Daddy but wants to sleep at my house and only see his Dad for the day.

He likes being in his own home in his own bed I think. He’s also very close to my parents and I think he misses them too.

This is so upsetting for my ex. He is heartbroken. He is such a committed Dad who never misses a parent teachers evening, sports day or special occasion. I feel bad for him.
There is absolutely no way he is abusing our Son.

However maybe his manner isn’t good. I don’t find him warm, he’s quite a ‘man’s man’ if that makes sense.

My ex has his own home and no partner. My Son has never mentioned anyone else visiting except his paternal grandparents.

When I had some concerns about my kids, I rang a play therapist to ask whether she thought they might benefit from therapy sessions. She ended up giving me lots of helpful advice over the phone to try, which was really useful, and therapy wasn't necessary.

Off the top of my head, has your son got a photo of you in his bedroom at his dad's? An old t-shirt of yours or similar to sleep in?

His dad needs to be making efforts as well, loads of acknowledgement of how hard it is to be away from you, reassurance and lots of fun and cuddles.

If nothing works, I think you both should consider stopping overnight visits. Yes, both parents should have equal time, but the needs of the child should always come first. You son is communicating loudly and clearly that he is distressed by the current set up, and he needs to be heard.

I think I agree with others that 2 weeks is too long. I might suggest a week maximum.

To our son it must feel like forever.
I’m sure there are things that could improve the situation though. I just don’t know what.

I was this child. Not to this extreme but I’m a “home bird” And just wanted to be at home, in my own room with my own bed. I loved my dad but no child wants to be shared between two homes. I used to make up illnesses etc just to stay at home. It was awful. Imagine being an an adult an told you had to sleep at someone else’s house on a weekend. I can’t imagine anyone would be ok with that.

Can you cut down on the overnight visits for a while? Maybe your ex could come for the weekend and stay in a premier inn or similar? If he books in advance it may well be about the same price as petrol money there/back twice over. It doesn't have to be permanent but just while your son is so anxious about the staying away.

A lot of people seem to be forgetting that he's only six years old. Two weeks away from your primary parent at that age is a really long time.

I think for the main holiday it maybe needs to be split up a bit more - either into weekly chunks or if possible even shorter bursts of time if that's what your son is happy with.

My Son has said a few times he doesn’t mind seeing Daddy but wants to sleep at my house and only see his Dad for the day

So he's given you the solution. Can you do that for a while? I agree that 2 weeks is too long, I would have hated to be away from my mum that long at that age (and older) and 2 hours is a long way away.

Maybe cut it down to 1 night a week? I realise that will mean a lot of driving for his dad, but it seems better than creating a situation where you son dreads the idea of the long unbroken stay. There has to be a compromise here. As others have said, could his dad stay locally?

Completely left field idea but would you be prepared to leave your ex in your house while you go away for a night so your son is in his own house/bed but can have exclusive time with his dad? And equally, is there any way you could go to his dad's with him and stay locally so your son knows he can see you every day but not overnight? And then you could perhaps drop it to every other day.

How much have you talked to DS OP? Have you asked what things like his bedtime routine look like at Dad's? It might help you spot something that you would realise was significant to DS but ex may not. Also how far have you questioned exactly what he misses about you and home? Again that might give you some clues to what's going on in his head. Has he said anything about missing cuddles/dad not giving cuddles, or his dad being stern or grumpy? Would ex make an effort to be 'softer' with DS if that was what he needed? Sorry for all the questions, I just think this will be hard to solve until you know why DS feels like this.

Hmm the distance makes it tricky but I think form the sound of it your son needs more frequent, but shorter chunks of time at his dad's. Could you manage one day +night every Weekend, rather than whole weekend once a fortnight?

I think as your son as said he's happy to see daddy but sleep at home that's his compromise. It is making your ex sad but it sounds like it is making your son more sad.