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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

6 year old screaming crying when going with his Dad

75 replies

Riddickm · 12/08/2019 15:49

My ex and I have always been on very good terms. We split amicably and our son has always been close to both of us. We always had a fluid contact arrangement and generally he would see our son every other weekend.
My son and I are very very close. We have so much fun together and I think the reason for all this is quite simply he misses me when he is away from home.

It started around 4 with him saying he didn’t want to go to his Dad but he would reluctantly go without any opposition. Then it progressed to him having a few tears. But recently he’s been crying his eyes out saying he doesn’t love his dad he doesn’t like visiting him or his family and he wants to stay at home with me and nana and grandad (I live with my parents).

In the school holidays he goes for 2 weeks in the summer and a week the other times and goes every other weekend term time.

A few days ago he was due to go to his Dads for two weeks holiday but he screamed crying so badly his Dad wasn’t able to take him to the car as he was hysterical. I had never seen him like that. If my ex had walked away with him like that someone might have called the police! It was like he was being abducted.

My ex said he would come back the next day to try again. The next day he just picked our son up and put him in the car. He was hysterical. He was crying and screaming saying he didn’t want to go, saying ‘please mummy’. It was beyond awful and has upset me since he left.

Everyone says my son just needs to go, his Dad has a right to see him, he needs to learn he has to see his Dad etc.

I have never ever restricted contact or in any way been difficult with contact but this time I’m really not convinced making him go was the right thing to do. I just FaceTimed him and he’s asking to go home every single time he has a phone call with me. So it’s not as if he’s fine once he’s there.

His dad is a good dad. I have absolutely no concerns around his care when at his dads. His dad adores him as does his paternal grandparents. He just misses me and his home.

I’ve tried so many things to improve the situation. My son can’t mention one thing he doesn’t like about his dads place just that he misses me.

AIBU to consider reducing contact with his Dad until we can work out a way for our Son to go where he’s not hysterical? My heart is broken by it all :-( My Son now screams hysterically whenever he has to go and even cries days before he is due to go If you mention it. It’s causing me so much sadness and stress.

OP posts:

PerfectPeony2 · 12/08/2019 19:20

Does he live locally?

I’m going to go against the grain here and say I think reducing contact for a while would be fine. He’s 6 years old, he will remember this and I don’t think it’s worth both of you getting upset over. Maybe he could see him more frequently but just in the evenings after school or for days out together?

I’m sure it’s just a phase and it will pass but I think little ones need a main, stable home (which is usually with Mum tbh). It’s hard for his Dad but I think he will just have to accept this is the way it will be for a while. My parents are divorced (happened when I was 6) and I wouldn’t have let my Mum for weeks at a time.

zwellers · 12/08/2019 19:38

Your six year old shouldn't get to dictate this. Reducing contact from a good father is craxy when theres no end of posts about deadbeat fathers who want nothing to do with the kids. If you cave on this one how long before tears start before school or anything else he doesn't want to do. And glad to see the obligatory all men are bullies and or sex offender posters are here.

bridgetreilly · 12/08/2019 19:52

A week or two is a LONG time to be away from home at that age. Could you work out different arrangements so that he's never away more than one night at a time?

Shelby2010 · 12/08/2019 19:54

Do you & Ex get on well enough for you to stop over at his house? If you could drop him off & stay overnight then it might make it easier. Also seeing the environment might help you spot improvements. Eg maybe your DS gets spooked at night & would be happier if the landing light was left on. Or you could leave a cuddly toy for him.

If his dad is a bit standoffish, then DS probably is lonely from being used to 3 more affectionate adults around. Maybe Ex could get a cat??

Mrsgogginsthe3rd · 12/08/2019 20:09

This must be so gut wrenching for you.

I’m not an expert in this family dynamic at all so can’t really have an opinion on contact, but please, please, please ask him again why he doesn’t want to I’m sure it’s just an age attachment think but I don’t think you can ever be top belts and braces when a child is so distressed. I would also maybe think about asking a close adult friend or his maternal grandparents to ask as well, just in case he feels he can’t tell you for whatever reason.

Agree about just cutting back to day time visits even just a few hours if it’s viable travel wise.

Walkingthedog46 · 12/08/2019 20:18

Does your ex live locally? Would it be an option for your little one to go to his dad’s but come home to sleep, then go back the next day. My daughter used to go for sleepovers with friends pre-teen, but I she always used to phone to be picked up just before bedtime because she just wanted to be at home. It became so regular that I even expected the phone call!

Original poster

Riddickm · 13/08/2019 11:32

His Dad has just called saying he’s at work and his Mum is taking our Son out for the day. I wonder if this might be part of the problem. He isn’t particularly close to his Mum or Dad. My ex said he’s working the whole two weeks so will be there weekends and evenings. Not much fun for our Son.

However he has a right to have him those two weeks and he wasn’t able to get annual leave. It’s not my right to dictate he has to be available for the full two weeks.

It just makes me sad.

OP posts:

thethoughtfox · 13/08/2019 12:34

Could you try him going away for a few hours and building it up each day so that by the Friday, he is more ready to stay overnight?

Herocomplex · 13/08/2019 12:39

This is so painful. But you’re teaching your son that his wishes don’t matter, and that adults feelings and needs override his.

I hope you can work it out between the three of you.

GabriellaMontez · 13/08/2019 12:40

"He has a right to have him those two weeks"

Why? Is it court ordered?

You should focus on your sons needs and rights a bit more and a bit less on the rights of your ex.

Embracelife · 13/08/2019 12:42

Maybe get a session or three with a family therapist to work out what is going on
If something happened to you he would go to dad
You need to know that s ok

adaline · 13/08/2019 13:09

However he has a right to have him those two weeks

Unless contact is court ordered, he has no rights. Contact is about the best interests of the child, not the parent.

Original poster

Riddickm · 13/08/2019 13:56

It’s all court ordered.

OP posts:

Missingstreetlife · 13/08/2019 14:02

This is shit actually. He's not seeing his dad, bring him home.
When his dad can be there, weekend or annual leave, he can have some time with him.

Ravingstarfish · 13/08/2019 14:04

Can dad stay in a hotel near you for a couple of weeks and see him daily?
Maybe you could seek legal advice to amend the order, your son will speak to cafcass and have his feelings noted.
If you carry on it will only get worse

Missingstreetlife · 13/08/2019 14:09

Two hours is not too long to travel. Lots of families manage it eow. You can share it between you. Meet in the middle or take turns.

Pjsandbaileys · 13/08/2019 14:09

My youngest went through an awful period of this still doesn't love it 7 years later but I insisted she kept up with the contact. As a previous poster mentioned I just emphasised all the boring stuff I was going to do while they were away, housework, goin to work, Tesco etc. Unfortunately it's really horrible for some kids but if you have no concerns speak to dad, maybe build up an activity they are going to do and try not to show any negative feelings that you are worried about them going. At 6 they need to understand sometimes things just have to be done otherwise where is the line drawn? School gets a bit tough but it's ok I just won't go etc? Good luck op xx

adaline · 13/08/2019 14:22

What's the point in him going to see his dad if his dad isn't around to see him? Do the courts know what's going on?

stucknoue · 13/08/2019 15:02

How far away does his dad live? Perhaps once school restarts his dad could see him every week but no sleepovers for a while. The only other idea I had was whether (assuming you get along ok) you could try a family activity one week and try and build your ds's confidence with his dad. Separation anxiety doesn't mean anything wrong is happening, just he's struggling with transitioning

stucknoue · 13/08/2019 15:06

Just realised it's 2 hours. It's highly unusual I admit but could you go with your son and stay (spare room of course) to try to get him settled? It might only take one or two times

Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 15:11

I'd spend time all together.

Pjsandbaileys · 13/08/2019 15:41

If it's court ordered like mine it's actually very hard to change and the court rarely takes "he's not actually with him" dad's allowed to work, it's time spend at dad's home especially as he is being cared for by GP. My order does actually say the holiday 2 week period should be just that I or dad should be on holiday with the child otherwise it's just the normal eow pattern. It sucks I would love to say it he's easier but I hasn't for me although child is much happier than before. To be honest nobody here really knows the right answer either (alot have zero experience of court orders and the sadness of sharing a child's time) seriously good luck op I hope it all resovles soon xx

Motoko · 13/08/2019 16:06

OP, have you sought professional help with this? It's been ongoing and getting worse, for 2 years now.

Katievic82 · 25/04/2025 20:04

I know its an old post but my 6 year old son has just done the same thing about half an hour ago. He was also hysterical. His dad had to pick him up and force him to go. It really upset me. Just rang his dad and now my son is smiling and happy just ten minutes later, which I knew he would be. However if he was like that for the whole weekend, I would think twice about sending him. How did you work around it in the end?

ApiratesaysYarrr · 25/04/2025 20:26

Singlenotsingle · 12/08/2019 16:55

No point making DS go if it upsets him so much. And it's not a father's right to see his dc. It's the child's right to see his df - AND THIS ONE DOESN'T WANT TO. Maybe he would be ok if it was just day visits, and come home in the evening?

It's the child's right to an education, or to be clean, but they would still be expected to go to school (or have home education), and wash themselves/be assisted with hygiene, even if they don't want to

A 6 yr old doesn't have the capacity to fully understand the implications of some decisions, and won't appreciate that they are potentially missing out on a close relationship with a parent who lives them, and lose the benefit of that.
(Yes, the dad could be abusive, but there is nothing in the OP to suggest that OP has concerns about that)

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