Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think tandem breastfeeding is unfair?

61 replies

browniebuxton · 12/08/2019 14:49

Now I'm not talking about twins or multiple babies - but to tandem feed a baby and a 3yo?

Recently I was witness to a friend of a friend breastfeeding her baby when her 3yo had a tantrum and pushed the baby out of the way so that they could feed instead. The mum let this happen! She didn't say a thing to the 3yo. If I was in the same position I would tell my toddler no and to wait their turn. Just seems so unfair to the baby to me.

OP posts:
Jemima232 · 12/08/2019 14:52

I don't think it's unfair to either.

It's brilliant if you decide to do it.

Toothproblems · 12/08/2019 14:52

İt's fine to tandem but youngest comes first

Kaykay06 · 12/08/2019 14:52

I think your friend was unfair
I’m sure many mothers manage to feed 2 children at once without doing this

Jemima232 · 12/08/2019 14:52

And if you're breastfeeding twins one will inevitably have to wait while the other is fed.

MumbleLumble · 12/08/2019 14:54

Your friend was unfair. Tandem feeding isn't unfair. I tandem fed my nearly 2 year old and newborn for 6 months. The toddler only at bed time. That definitely isn't unfair.

Kewlwife · 12/08/2019 14:55

Depends on milk supply. My friend has a 3 year old and a 6 month old and they BF at the same time sometimes. But she's been lactating continuously for 3 years now.

BeanBag7 · 12/08/2019 14:55

This particular situation was unfair but tandem breastfeeding generally isn't unfair.

At that age the older child should be able to understand they have to wait their turn. I also think he should sometimes be told "no, it's no time to feed now", same as sometimes we tell kids they cant have a snack or watch TV right now.

I have a 2 and a half yo and will probably be tandem breastfeeding with second baby due early next year.

MRex · 12/08/2019 14:56

I think it's fine to tandem feed, but unless they can have a boob each I'd expect the toddler to wait. Generally though a toddler feeds much faster, so you'd want to give them a quick feed and get back to focusing on the baby. Any reason why they couldn't have a boob each?

MRex · 12/08/2019 14:57

(I mean generally when it's the toddler's normal feed time I'd reject to feed them first to get them out of the way of the baby. If the baby is being fed already then they should wait.)

MRex · 12/08/2019 14:58

Expect not reject. I just can't make myself clear today.

colourlessgreenidea · 12/08/2019 14:59

I’m sure many mothers manage to feed 2 children at once without doing this

Indeed. Two breasts, two children - the maths is self-explanatory.

Yeahnahmum · 12/08/2019 15:00

A 3yo... Hmm breastfeeding
And she was letting him... push his way in...

Uhm no
That is wrong on so many levels

dollydaydream114 · 12/08/2019 15:00

It sounds like the problem here is more someone letting their three-year-old be a brat and get its own way all the time, not the fact that her both her kids are still breastfed. The three-year-old's behaviour would have been just as bad if it had grabbed food from the hand of a baby that was being weaned; it's not the breastfeeding that's actually the issue.

Colourfulest · 12/08/2019 15:04

It's absolutely fine. And people can breastfeed their kids as long as they wish.

Kokeshi123 · 12/08/2019 15:07

I was on a super-crunchy forum years ago where there were a lot of tandem nursers.

Most of the mothers reported experiencing a lot of nursing aversion, where they would get horrible creepy crawly feelings or get all shuddery when the older child fed. It's like a weird instinct that kicks in when you have a second child.

Of course everyone can do what they want to do, but privately I felt like some of those mothers might have benefited from someone just saying out loud "Look, it's fine to stop BFing your toddler if it's making you feel sick. You'll be happy in yourself and have more energy for actually doing fun things with both your kids, if you are not quietly seething with resentment all the time."

I BF for three years, by the way, so I don't have any issue with toddlers nursing per se, obviously.

DoNotWorry · 12/08/2019 15:10

Not really safe to breastfeed whilst riding a bike 😁

Sciurus83 · 12/08/2019 15:13

DoNotWorry Grin

etotheb · 12/08/2019 15:16

I think at 3 years old, that the child is capable of understanding that the baby has to feed first.

YANBU but also maybe if the baby had fed enough the mother couldn't be bothered with tantrum then she knows best

MRex · 12/08/2019 15:16

@Kokeshi123 - they'd probably have benefited more from vitamin tablets, nursing aversion is commonly caused by vitamin or mineral deficiencies, particularly magnesium. You can be fairly sure they all would have been aware that they can stop breastfeeding their child when they choose to.

Original poster
browniebuxton · 12/08/2019 15:16

I don't have an issue with the 3yo still breastfeeding at all. I was surprised at the mum letting the 3yo get away with that sort of behaviour. I felt that it wasn't fair that the baby was unable to finish their feed when it can be explained to a 3yo why they have to wait.

I think the mum tries to use both breasts (one for each dc) but the 3yo gets jealous of the baby. Has anyone else been in this position? It does seem like the older dc gets preferential treatment. Very good points made about feeding toddler before baby, but think it gets awkward with the jealousy.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 12/08/2019 15:17

I stopped feeding DC1 at 14 months because I was pregnant again and I wanted DC2 to have all of it in the same way DC1 had. It felt unfair for DC2 to have to share when DC1 hadn't had to.

BUT...... this was purely my own, illogical, personal feeling. It is what worked for me, tandem feeding works for lots of other people.

PixieLumos · 12/08/2019 15:19

Recently I was witness to a friend of a friend breastfeeding her baby when her 3yo had a tantrum and pushed the baby out of the way so that they could feed instead. The mum let this happen!

That doesn’t make actual tandem feeding unfair though - your friend of a friend just isn’t doing it right.

Pinkout · 12/08/2019 15:20

Fine to tandem feed but the youngest takes priority when they are under six months in particular.

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 12/08/2019 15:23

I am bf my 3 week old and I have a 3 year old. With my older daughter we only managed to breast feed for 6 weeks so tandem feeding is not an issue but there are few occasions when the needs/wants of the 3 year old has to come first. My 3 year olds life has been turned upside down and all of a sudden she is no longer first and sometimes she needs reminding that she is still ‘my’ baby and I love her. I don’t think you can judge a few incidents.

MaryShelley1818 · 12/08/2019 15:24

Really awful for that baby. The baby needs the milk. A child that age does not so can be given some other food/drink/comfort/distraction.