to think tandem breastfeeding is unfair?

[browniebuxton]

Now I'm not talking about twins or multiple babies - but to tandem feed a baby and a 3yo?

Recently I was witness to a friend of a friend breastfeeding her baby when her 3yo had a tantrum and pushed the baby out of the way so that they could feed instead. The mum let this happen! She didn't say a thing to the 3yo. If I was in the same position I would tell my toddler no and to wait their turn. Just seems so unfair to the baby to me.

Tandem fed a three year old and newborn and it was fine, you need limits with the eldest though (she was fed at naptime and bedtime only). Saved my sanity tbh while she was still napping.
I wouldn't have let eldest push youngest out of the way. But she did have the odd tantrum and if you caught a glimpse of our lives on a bad day it might have looked like I was giving in to her. Generally I had boundaries/limits for eldest and managed to hold them, whereas baby was fed on-demand.

I breastfed my first till the day she turned 5 when we mutually agreed to stop (2 years overlap with DS so tandem), and DS until he was 4 and a few months and he dropped it without discussion, and I was working almost full time too (they went away sometimes without me too, it wasn't like I was attached permanently post babyhood). It is SO not an issue at all now and both of them are incredibly independent and non clingy... Because it's not a cultural norm in this country it feels difficult to know where it will end up, is it creating clingy children, is this weird, will they ever be independent etc? My experience has been that the hardest part of it is lack of peer support and feeling isolated (so things like imposing limits can be tricky because it's not usual to see mothers breastfeeding older children, so you don't get insights into how you might handle it.. it's all a bit of a stressful muddling along), but with some clear boundaries and communication it's completely doable.

I’ve let toddlers away with stuff to avert a tantrum that I didn’t want to have to deal with when I had visitors. Now that they’re older they spend longer nose to screen if I’m chatting with a visitor. What you see, isn’t necessarily a reflection of what happens when you’re not there.

@PixieLumos You are right. Saying 'tandem feeding is unfair' was probably the wrong thing to say as I imagine when they do tandem feed it works well ...I just don't think it happens very often as the 3yo gets very jealous of the baby.

So in conclusion,tandem breastfeeding is not inherently unfair. But the scenario you describe could be unfair. However I wonder whether she was flustered and struggling because of feeling under scrutiny because of it being a culturally unusual thing to do... it's a snapshot of their lives and may not be how she is with them most of the time.

I think if there’s a new baby then the 3 yr old should’ve been encouraged to stop bf, there’s no need for it. A 3 yr old tantrumming to be bf is grim. Poor baby.

Really, 3 year old was having a tantrum, mum was probably tired, maybe 3 year old is having trouble accepting the new sibling, probably just a one off, yes mum should have told 3 year old to wait but not exactly necessary to make a post to moan about the mother is it. Tandem feeding is no issue.

Toddlers' needs are not always less important or less urgent than babies' needs, and physical needs don't always trump emotional needs. The baby may well have been better able to wait, especially if it had already had some milk.

You are judging from one single incident. It is entirely possible that your friend made the best decision on that one occasion. It is also possible she didn't, but it isn't necessarily going to blight the baby's life.

Let her get on with it. She knows her children better than you do, and she is doing her best at the difficult job of juggling the urgent needs of two very young children.

"when they do tandem feed it works well ...I just don't think it happens very often as the 3yo gets very jealous of the baby."

Maybe the 3yo would be even more jealous if she had stopped breastfeeding the 3yo?

@Saracen You've really opened my ignorant eyes here. Think I was surprised to see her give in to her toddler, but what you said is right and I feel quite bad about judging her and her 3yo.

Tandem fed my two for a year and this never happened. In fact DD used to hold DS's hand while they both fed, and there was always plenty of milk for both. It really helped negate any new sibling jealousy too, as DD never felt left out or pushed away by my feeding her little brother.

A 3yo... breastfeeding

What’s your point here, @Yeahnahmum?

Do you have two kids? Just wondering. Just because the older one is older and therefore has more capacity to understand the concept of waiting, it doesn't mean that they are necessarily very good at this yet or able to overcome the strong emotional jealous reaction they might have to seeing the newborn take "their" mummy. Quite often when you have a toddler and a newborn, it makes sense to prioritise the toddler, to reassure them that yes they still matter, are still important, and Mummy still loves them too. In many ways it is easier for the newborn to wait because if they don't see something, they don't usually miss it and/or they can often be placated with a dummy or a cuddle from someone else instead, whereas a toddler is seeking something incredibly specific: reassurance that they are still mum's #1 priority (even if a little somebody else happens to share that #1 spot.)

When a toddler has a new sibling they tend to play up behaviour wise quite a bit as well - it makes sense as a parent to pick your battles, partly because they're doing it for the same reason, to test that bond, but also because they can be a bit on a hair trigger for tantrums as well and you do not always have the mental or physical means to deal with a gigantic tantrum. It may be that she was protecting the baby as if she had said no to toddler, he would have become more upset and potentially violent towards baby, which is a worse outcome than delaying a bit of a feed if the baby didn't mind (which it didn't sound like it did). Yes perhaps not the best in terms of teaching boundaries, but in terms of harm reduction it may have been the best way to handle it - and in that kind of scenario, toddler + newborn, sometimes harm reduction is a completely valid strategy.

The toddler would not "take" the milk from the newborn, BTW - a couple of the responses seem to be assuming this - breastmilk is made on demand so if the baby needed to finish their feed after the toddler had had enough she would just make more. It can actually be quite helpful in terms of keeping supply up for newborn if the toddler is allowed to feed as much as they like.

I tandem fed for two years and I never 'pushed one out of the way' for the other.

And we had no jealousy at all from (at time of his brother's birth) 2.4 yo. None. They got on brilliantly until the preteen years started looming. (And they still tolerate each other reasonably well most of the time).

Tandem feeding is fine. Its the mothers business, no one else's

I've always seen tandem feeding as a bonding experience for the children, far from being unfair.

To those who have tandem fed, what happens when your colostrum comes in for your newborn? Does your older child notice? I've always wondered how it worked.

It's not unfair. Could they not use a breast each?

Most of the mothers reported experiencing a lot of nursing aversion, where they would get horrible creepy crawly feelings or get all shuddery when the older child fed.

This happened to me. It was the most bizarre thing. I did tandem feed for a while and the siblings did hold hands but I had to call it a day after a few weeks (to be fair, all three were bf until 2 and a half-3 years so got their money's worth). I described it as being ''all touched out'' but it was an actual sense of revulsion - I was fortunate that other tandem feeders had also experienced it. Not sure whether it has anything to do with instinct though.
I did wonder whether as milk seems to adapt to the feeder whether tandem feeding affects that in some way. It is fascinating - my second bf until I was into my second trimester then the milk dried up.
The body knows what it needs or can do I guess.
When colustrum then kicked in with the third they ebf for a while and second was allowed to tandem feed for a few weeks: enough not to be jealous but also not to push it given that she had manged without for a trimester.
I think she might have squabbled once in that time but just needed reassurance. All kids need reassurance, an extra story, cuddle when sibling comes along.

I think that if you can manage this its great TBH!.Managed 4 months EBF DD1 and a year DS1 .Gave up as absolutely exhausted! .If baby had been feeding a while ,then probably toddler feeling a little left out maybe?.

I can remember being 2 - I wouldn’t be comfortable remembering breastfeeding.
I think it’s a wonderful and beautiful experience for the mom, it was for me, but it’s my special memory, not the other way around.
That’s my opinion, sorry if it offends.

One example of tandem feeding does not mean tandem feeding is unfair. Perhaps she should be prioritising the baby but did the baby look like it was malnourished?

I can remember being 2 - I wouldn’t be comfortable remembering breastfeeding.

That's your issue, surely. I remember being 2 and I remember having my nappy changed, and it's not exactly up there with 'spectacular memories of my life', but c'est la vie.

I wonder if this is a common practice in other species of mammals?

@NobleRot it’s not an issue it’s my opinion.