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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be (secretly) LIVID

76 replies

Fucksandflowers · 12/08/2019 10:09

So, my DH is under huge stress, he is in terrible pain most days, hates his job, finds the kids stressful, we aren't great for money, lots of childhood baggage etc etc.

He has significant health problems and I think he wants some sort of crutch to try and decompress and help him relax if that makes sense.

He very rarely drinks but I suspect left up to him he'd be drinking more.
He used to like a wine or a brandy in the evening but he has neurological issues amongst other health problems which alcohol aggravates and causes him to twitch hence me always giving him a bit of hard time if he comes back with alcohol.

He has mentioned before about taking up smoking which I detest and I have told him in no uncertain terms that if he did take that up i would find it very hard to stay with him.
I hate the smell, it's terrible for his health and the kids and I don't want my house and me and the kids stinking of smoke...

So, I just had a sneaky little look at his phone history while he is sleeping, yes, I know I shouldn't, and google searches for nicotine free vapes and 'cart' which I take to mean he's bought one!

I won't mention anything to him but I feel really bloody cross.

ASFAIK there is very little safety checks been done on these things.
Are they actually safe?
Are they addictive?
He has enough health problems as it is.
Aside from that I think it's really unhealthy to be relying on things like this to tackle stress?

AIBU?

OP posts:
steff13 · 12/08/2019 10:14

Has he considered a hobby? Painting, knitting, photography, gardening? Gardening especially is supposed to be good for stress, something about microbes in the soil.

dollydaydream114 · 12/08/2019 10:16

It's the nicotine that's addictive. So if he's buying nicotine-free vaping liquid, the actual substance he's vaping probably isn't addictive - although it also won't help him with stress, either, because it's essentially just flavoured steam. The act of vaping might be habit-forming in the same way that nail-biting or gum-chewing is habit forming, ie it's a physical habit to focus on to take the mind off other things.

If he's buying proper nicotine vaping liquid then yes, it's addictive.

If he's buying

AngelasAshes · 12/08/2019 10:19

Why so angry? People cope differently.
I was actually recommended CBD vaping by my GP for chronic pain.

Original poster
Fucksandflowers · 12/08/2019 10:19

There is very little he can comfortably do hobby wise because he is in such pain most days.

He likes DIY so does a bit of that and reading and goes out with his brothers sometimes, we go out for coffees and meals together sometimes but for an actual hobby, I wouldn't know what to suggest for him really.
He absolutely loved football but can't do that anymore because of the pain.

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 12/08/2019 10:21

If he is so stressed and anxious that he's even considering taking up harmful habits like smoking to combat it, I think he probably needs to discuss that with the GP. He's essentially trying to self-medicate, from the sound of it, and the GP might be able to prescribe him something to help with anxiety and/or refer him for proper help.

Anxiety and depression can often be a side-effect of physical health issues and chronic pain. I feel incredibly sorry for your DH to be honest - being in pain every day and not being able to enjoy a glass of wine etc is absolutely rotten. I think perhaps he needs some additional help beyond whatever medication he's on for his physical health problems.

64sNewName · 12/08/2019 10:23

If you’re angry at him but can’t say because it’s about something you only know because you secretly looked at his phone ... it just doesn’t sound like the dynamic between you is healthy.

It’s definitely not great that he wants to vape, I agree. I wouldn’t like it either. But if it’s nicotine free, he’s apparently trying to find an alternative to smoking that won’t upset you.

I’m not sure you’re being entirely fair to him and it seems a bit intrusive that you’re secretly monitoring his phone. It would be different if you had reason to think he was doing something deceitful (cheating, secretly drinking) - but it doesn’t sound as if you do.

Original poster
Fucksandflowers · 12/08/2019 10:25

Why so angry? People cope differently.
I was actually recommended CBD vaping by my GP for chronic pain.

Because I am worried for his health.
ASFAIK vapes haven't been 'proven' safe, we don't know yet if they are harmful and I don't want to add yet another health issue into everything he is already suffering with.

I am also mildly annoyed that he is opting to cover over and block out his (mental health) issues rather than seeking help to work through them.
But I understand that he obviously doesn't feel ready to challenge how he feels about his childhood experiences (being deliberately vague so as to hopefully not put myself) etc yet so has to try and cope in other ways.

I'm just worried he is going to get more poorly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fucksandflowers · 12/08/2019 10:31

I'm not going to mention it to him.

That isn't because I feel that I can't because he would be angry or anything that I looked at his phone.
I know it's wrong to snoop but ge'd be fine and we'd chat.

I am not going to discuss it because I know he is struggling, he is looking to self medicate because in my opinion at least, he isn't ready to talk about his feelings and tackle and move on.
I agree that he is looking for an alternative that he thinks won't upset me.
I do t want to make him feel even more depressed and stressed and like he has no outlet so I will keep quiet.

But I am very unhappy about it for the reasons I have listed.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 12/08/2019 10:32

I’d be a lot more “livid” if I was highly stressed and my partner helped me by sneaking through my phone

Blondebakingmumma · 12/08/2019 10:32

You seem to be mothering him like he is a child who is not allowed to make his own decisions. I do agree with pp that a visit to the GP to discuss stress/anxiety would help

dollydaydream114 · 12/08/2019 10:39

Assuming the fluid is nicotine-free, I think you're worrying far too much about the health aspect here. It's flavoured steam, that's all.

I agree with others that you should absolutely not be going through your husband's phone. I understand that you're worried about him but I don't think being watched like a hawk is going to make him less stressed.

I would also point out that just because one of the pages he visited was the 'cart', that doesn't mean he definitely bought anything. He might have just clicked on the cart by mistake, or put something in it and then decided not to buy, or just had a look to see what the payment options/delivery fees are.

While I think it would be better for him to address his mental health issues with the GP, he needs to be the one to decide that.

saraclara · 12/08/2019 10:41

Vaping seems to be a good idea to me, if it's non-nicotine based. The sucking on as a calming thing goes way back to our babyhoods, and lingers on through adulthood. It is one of the reasons that smoking is enjoyed. If he's respecting your attitude to smoking cigarettes then non-nicotine vaping is surely a fair compromise?

Original poster
Fucksandflowers · 12/08/2019 10:45

You seem to be mothering him like he is a child who is not allowed to make his own decisions. I do agree with pp that a visit to the GP to discuss stress/anxiety would help

I give him a mildly hard time about alcohol because it aggravates his neurological problem.
He'll start twitching and jerking.
I don't actively stop him buying or drinking it.

Smoking is terrible not only for his health but also me and my children so i am definately going to voice a strong opinion on that.

DH is very unwell, so of course I am worried about things like alcohol, smoking etc that will make him even sicker.

OP posts:
WanderingMind2Day · 12/08/2019 10:47

He needs a GP and low dose anti depressants xx

Nesssie · 12/08/2019 10:47

Is the money is coming out of his own pocket and not the family account?

I detest smoking Op, and wouldn't be ok with vaping either.
Starting an addiction to cover up other issues is not healthy and won't help in the long run.

Starting smoking/vaping to help his 'relax' is such a stupid idea. He needs proper help for his issues.

Juells · 12/08/2019 10:48

I'd be really pissed off to have all my choices controlled by someone else, like I'm a child. Wouldn't stand for it. He has enough problems in his life without being controlled on top of that.

Original poster
Fucksandflowers · 12/08/2019 10:48

I think it is highly unlikely he go to the gp, he doesn't want to talk about his problems.

And yes I agree that is a fair compromise.
I'm just worried health wise as I don't believe much research has been done on them, we don't know yet they are safe?
Or so we?
I don't know.

I think it's sad as well though that he feels the need to block out and isn't ready to work through and recover and heal.

Anyway, I'm not going to be discussing it with him anyway.
Just ranting on here and seeing what everyone's thoughts are

OP posts:
FrogFairy · 12/08/2019 10:49

It might be worth looking into CBD oil, this may help with his health problems and stress.

GnomeDePlume · 12/08/2019 10:50

Some links you might find interesting:

www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/news/e-cigarettes

www.rcgp.org.uk/clinical-and-research/about/clinical-news/2018/september/ecigarettes-is-vaping-safe.aspx

www.nhs.uk/news/heart-and-lungs/long-term-vaping-far-safer-than-smoking-says-landmark-study/

Vaping hasnt been 'proved' safe. Nobody is going to put themselves on a limb and say that. What is being stated is that available evidence shows that it is significantly safer than smoking.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/08/2019 10:51

Those vaping things are bloody awful!

I'm a non-smoker, and find smoking in all forms repellent and was delighted when public smoking was banned. But from the point of view of a bystander, the papers are almost as bad as the smokers for ruining a meal out etc

Still - at least I'm not getting stone else's cancer, `I suppose . . .

allymcn · 12/08/2019 10:51

Poor guy! Stop bloody controlling him. Honestly this stuff makes my piss absolutely boil.

Original poster
Fucksandflowers · 12/08/2019 10:52

Exactly how I feel nessie and juells I personally don't think I am particularly controlling.

I have never stopped him going out anywhere, talking to anyone, I don't check his messages or texts or regularly go through his phone, I don't make comments on his appearance etc.
He is a free man.

Very very rarely I have a sneaky peek at his history out of nosiness.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/08/2019 10:52

*vapers, not papers

(Leave my fucking "spelling mistakes" alone, autocockup, you bastard)

TheInebriati · 12/08/2019 10:53

Alcohol is a muscle relaxant and a drink is not usually a problem if you have a neurological disorder. So I think your DH has been unlucky.
Vaping CBD or cannabis might ease his symptoms. There are plenty of people with movement disorders who vape, its not to get stoned, its to reduce tremors.
Stress will definitely make it worse.

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/08/2019 10:55

If he has such severe problems that it's affecting his life, even if it's just the chronic pain, then shouldn't he see a doctor anyway?

He's thinking of acquiring an addiction, just to help him manage the way he feels - could you ask him to go to the doctors for help with the pain (which seems to be limiting his life to such an extent that it's harmful) and maybe he'll start to open up to the doctor about the underlying mental issues?