Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be (secretly) LIVID

76 replies

Fucksandflowers · 12/08/2019 10:09

So, my DH is under huge stress, he is in terrible pain most days, hates his job, finds the kids stressful, we aren't great for money, lots of childhood baggage etc etc.

He has significant health problems and I think he wants some sort of crutch to try and decompress and help him relax if that makes sense.

He very rarely drinks but I suspect left up to him he'd be drinking more.
He used to like a wine or a brandy in the evening but he has neurological issues amongst other health problems which alcohol aggravates and causes him to twitch hence me always giving him a bit of hard time if he comes back with alcohol.

He has mentioned before about taking up smoking which I detest and I have told him in no uncertain terms that if he did take that up i would find it very hard to stay with him.
I hate the smell, it's terrible for his health and the kids and I don't want my house and me and the kids stinking of smoke...

So, I just had a sneaky little look at his phone history while he is sleeping, yes, I know I shouldn't, and google searches for nicotine free vapes and 'cart' which I take to mean he's bought one!

I won't mention anything to him but I feel really bloody cross.

ASFAIK there is very little safety checks been done on these things.
Are they actually safe?
Are they addictive?
He has enough health problems as it is.
Aside from that I think it's really unhealthy to be relying on things like this to tackle stress?

AIBU?

OP posts:
BlankTimes · 12/08/2019 10:56

Another vote for CBD Oil for him.

princessTiasmum · 12/08/2019 10:56

You sound very controlling ,his health his body

PrtScn · 12/08/2019 10:57

www.health.harvard.edu/blog/electronic-cigarettes-good-news-bad-news-2016072510010

“Flavored e-cigarettes may pose another health threat. They often contain a chemical compound called diacetyl, which is associated with a rare lung disease called bronchiolitis obliterans that causes permanent damage to the bronchioles (the tiniest airways in the lungs).”

AdoraBell · 12/08/2019 10:59

Do you have a garden OP? I only ask because being outside with some greenery can often help with stress and anxiety. I agree that he should try and talk to the GP about his pain management.

Woollycardi · 12/08/2019 10:59

Checking someone else's phone is controlling. Whether or not you want to own that is up to you.

slashlover · 12/08/2019 10:59

What ages are the DC? Is there any way you could get a part time job to take some of the strass off of him? Or help him to look for another job he might like better?

Allergictoironing · 12/08/2019 11:01

Smoking & vaping are very different things. The known health risks of smoking are from the combustion of tobacco, and Public Health England (among many other official bodies) have said that vaping is AT LEAST% 95% safer than smoking. It's like when you see the Domestos ads, killing 99% of all known germs dead, it actually kills everything that's known about, but they have to say the 99% thing just in case. The addictive element of smoking is the nicotine, though the "hand to mouth" action is habit forming the same as a pp mentioned, like nail biting, hair tugging, gum chewing etc. Vaping CBD can help with pain (does for me) and gives him something to fiddle with in his hands

Have a look at this site, it's run by a non-smoking international cardiac consultant and has the latest research into the subject.

I think you need to look at the bigger picture here. Your DH, if he refuses to consult with his GP, needs something to take his mind off his issues and pain.

Mabelface · 12/08/2019 11:02

I suffer from anxiety and I love my vape. When I'm having an attack, I go for a walk with my vape and it regulates my breathing, bringing me back down from the ceiling.

ShirleyPhallus · 12/08/2019 11:05

Very very rarely I have a sneaky peek at his history out of nosiness.

This is controlling and utterly unnecessary

If you’re looking for something to be upset about, checking someone’s browsing history is a sure fire way of finding it

Original poster
Fucksandflowers · 12/08/2019 11:05

Your DH, if he refuses to consult with his GP, needs something to take his mind off his issues and pain

I agree.
I just feel anxious in case he gets worse and sad that he feels the need to 'block out'.

OP posts:
Widgetsframe · 12/08/2019 11:10

As a hobby can he do the Premier League Fantasy football? It’s very good and totally immersive.

TheInebriati · 12/08/2019 11:13

If he has a neurological disorder he needs a neurological consultant, and he should also see a neurologist who specialises in movement disorders for management and pain relief. They can prescribe either meds or Botox to help control the spasms.

Instead of worrying about how he copes, focus on getting him to the GP for a referral to a specialist.

Zebraaa · 12/08/2019 11:18

@allymcn I agree.

Give the poor guy a break! He’s in chronic pain and you’re controlling his life and choices. Ugh.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 12/08/2019 11:26

Chronic pain
Had to give up a hobby he liked a lot
Cannot drink alchohol (I understand you on that one)

Let him have his ZERO nicottine vape OP.

To be honest, you saying you would leave if he smoked (I assume you mean cigs) , if I was him I might just leave .

woodpigeons · 12/08/2019 11:26

What you are talking about PrtScn is commonly known as Popcorn Lung. The flavouring additive which may cause this is banned in the UK.
publichealthmatters.blog.gov.uk/2018/02/20/clearing-up-some-myths-around-e-cigarettes/

Gort · 12/08/2019 11:29

ASFAIK there is very little safety checks been done on these things.

As consumer products they are covered under consumer protection regs so just as safe as everything else on the market.
In addition they are also subject to mandatory safety checks by the MHRA re composition of eliquid, diacetyl, as mentioned above is prohibited.

Are they actually safe?

Safer than smoking, not as safe as not smoking. No health risks have been found so far, biomarkers etc. show nothing of concern.

Are they addictive?

No evidence nicotine out-with combustible tobacco is addictive. NRT treatments were tested thoroughly before coming to market and shown not to be addictive. Nicotine also used to treat Alzheimers, non smoking patients didn’t rush out and buy 20 fags or suffer withdrawal.

Obviously unwise to start vaping if he's a non-smoker but in the great scheme of things if he feels it might help then nothing to lose really and If it doesn't do anything for him he'll just lose interest and mive on.

Tonnerre · 12/08/2019 11:33

Isn't he having medical treatment or investigations for whatever it is that causes the pain? Doesn't that need to be addressed first?

5zeds · 12/08/2019 11:39

I think you need to remember he is allowed to do whatever the fuck he likes. EVEN if he started smoking and drinking (neither of which is illegal) he can still do what he likes. You are overstepping massively. By all means have an opinion but you are NOT his slave master you are his partner.

Longlongsummer · 12/08/2019 11:48

He needs a pain clinic and better management. See the gp again and insist on a chat. If he won’t go, go yourself and talk about it. Maybe antidepressants for a while?

I think the rest, the drink, the vaping is kind of silly, temporary distractions that probably won’t result in terrible problems but aren’t great.

The issue for me would be the levels of stress. It sounds like you are struggling. And he is struggling. Why do the kids stress him out? What are your money worries?

I’d have a long think, and chat, and see if there is any way to ease the stress. Talk to family, friends, GP, citizens advice, get help.

Yabbers · 12/08/2019 11:50

Very very rarely I have a sneaky peek at his history out of nosiness.

Would you be happy if someone did this to you? I can’t believe you actually think this is ok.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 12/08/2019 11:53

Quite frankly if someone is in pain everyday and really suffering with various different things. If they want to smoke a vape, who the hell would begrudge them that? I reckon if I was in pain everyday and feeling ducking shit, I’d want a vice too.

Your his wife, your meant to love the man. Surely you can see the need for a vice? It’s not crack it’s a no nicotine vape.

Just Leave him be on this one

KarmaStar · 12/08/2019 11:57

Yabu.
Don't go through his phone,that's awful behaviour.
He has listened to what you want and has not smoked but has looked into an alternative to see if it is safe etc and you are livid???
Give the poor man some space.he is not a child.You are not his mother op.
Sorry to sound harsh,but come on op.

bodgeitandscarper · 12/08/2019 12:13

If he finds something that he thinks may help, them the choice even if it is harmful is his. I wouldn't be happy with smoking in front of the children or in the home though.
My mother takes CBD oil for severe arthritis along with turmeric and balck pepper, and it has made a massive difference, she's the best she's been for years and has stopped her painkillers.

Even if vaping is bad for his health it is his decision to make.

PeoniesarePink · 12/08/2019 12:20

I can understand your concern OP.

He's got a lot of issues and isn't getting the right help. Self medicating is never an answer.

My way of dealing with it would be to put strict boundaries in place for the impact it has on the rest of the family. You can lead a horse to water and all that...........

Nesssie · 12/08/2019 12:21

Fine, say the OP lets him vape to relax. When the vaping stops working? Then what? The issue is, he is avoiding his actual problems. Hes using alcohol, now vaping when he should be going to his GP and getting proper medicine and counselling to help him.

Its not a great example to set to the kids. And its more likely to make them smoke/vape in the future.

Those saying its his health etc - he has responsibilities, he has a family and children. He is not acting like an adult right now.

Swipe left for the next trending thread