To be (secretly) LIVID

[Fucksandflowers]

So, my DH is under huge stress, he is in terrible pain most days, hates his job, finds the kids stressful, we aren't great for money, lots of childhood baggage etc etc.

He has significant health problems and I think he wants some sort of crutch to try and decompress and help him relax if that makes sense.

He very rarely drinks but I suspect left up to him he'd be drinking more.
He used to like a wine or a brandy in the evening but he has neurological issues amongst other health problems which alcohol aggravates and causes him to twitch hence me always giving him a bit of hard time if he comes back with alcohol.

He has mentioned before about taking up smoking which I detest and I have told him in no uncertain terms that if he did take that up i would find it very hard to stay with him.
I hate the smell, it's terrible for his health and the kids and I don't want my house and me and the kids stinking of smoke...

So, I just had a sneaky little look at his phone history while he is sleeping, yes, I know I shouldn't, and google searches for nicotine free vapes and 'cart' which I take to mean he's bought one!

I won't mention anything to him but I feel really bloody cross.

ASFAIK there is very little safety checks been done on these things.
Are they actually safe?
Are they addictive?
He has enough health problems as it is.
Aside from that I think it's really unhealthy to be relying on things like this to tackle stress?

AIBU?

Constant pain sounds awful. Isn't there help for something like that? Doesn't anything help at all, or does he not complain to the doctor/hospital about it?

Come on OP, he's in a lot of pain, having a 'crutch' with something as harmless as vaping is the least he can do to make his life more tolerable.
Also, what about fantasy football as a hobby for him?
Let him catch you researching vaping, and say you e heard it can help, mention cannabis oils, let him include you in his choices.

I suppose I am being a bit unreasonable really, Its only because I love him (directed at the PP who came out with 'your supposed to love the man' ) and don't want him to get worse and ideally, I'd like him to properly tackle his problems and heal and move on but that isn't going to happen. Not yet anyway.

I've never heard of fantasy football but I'm going to google it.

And re his health issues.
He has actually already seen two consultant neurologists who were far from helpful.
He has a Mucuna Puriens tincture which really helps him, that wasn't prescribed though, I bought it after reading it could help with the tremors.
The back pain, he has fought for years, the GPs are not particularly helpful.

I won't be mentioning the whole vape thing anyway.
I'll try relax about it.

cbd oil can actually help with fits and i assume trmors aswell-its saving lives of people who have epilepsy-maybe mention that to him

He's your partner, not your kid, I'd be furious if DP was looking through my phone behind my back.

He needs a gp visit and therapy.

Not vaping. The fact that he can’t see that is worrying to me

I would be furious if my partner started beeping, especially hiding it from me. We don’t know what is in those things. They haven’t tested nearly enough

Vaping

hi op,

I think the main issue is your partner's pain and mental health issues and his aviodance of dealing with them. these issues are most likely linked. people who have past trauma, especially issues from their childhood tend to repress emotions and become very stressed and tense. this suppression of emotion can manifest as real and intense physical pain.

Google the "mind body connection"and "sirpa". its really interesting stuff and I have completely resolved my back and sciatic pain since learning about it.

How controlling can you get, 'sneaky peaks' at his phone. FFS. Let him have his vape. I also recommend CBD oil. It's so helped my anxiety and insomnia. All this 'get him to a GP' is forever thrown out on MN but the reality is that you cannot force an adult to 'get to a GP', nagging has the opposite effect and not all GPs are helpful (nor can you change GPs easily if at all and many cannot afford to go private).

You sound mithering and tbh you probably need to take CBD, too (you can also take it orally, no vape required).

Vaping nicotine free liquid is not the same as smoking .

Let me first say that I hear you about smoking. I couldn't be with someone who smoked. I say this acknowledging that a couple of my absolute favorite people who i love more than anything (incl. my mother and best friend) are smokers. I wouldn't say anything to them as they are adults and I would never want to insult them. I think this is probably not a battle you'll win with him, and likely will come across as a nag to him. Let him know you're concerned about his health and want to help him stop or whatever, then leave it. You don't want a scenario set up where he's lying to you, and if he wants to do it, he will lie about it. Try to look on the bright side. It's likely that vaping is less harmful than smoking cigarettes. It's a fact thst it doesn't stink like cigarettes in the home, car or clothes. If it's non-nicotine, he may not even become addicted. If it's CBD, there are many known benefits to health and while it's probably better to ingest it, it is far quicker acting when vaped. That's what I think the reality of your situation is. You run the risk of him tuning you out, feeling like he's being nagged. Best thing for your relationship is to treat him as an adult, coming from another concerned adult.

OP, I understand your anxiety. My DH has multiple health problems - and can't risk too many meds for his chronic pain - so he has a constant struggle between looking after his health and having a good life (or a bearable one, depending on the day). It's hard to watch and very natural to feel protective.

He is probably looking at alternative ways to deal with Stress and pain and maybe this came up as a solution so he ordered it to try it out. I don't know much about it but why are you checking his history and going mad about it and trying to establish if it is bought or just in cart. Is he an adult or is there something wrong with him that he needs care or something?

My friend was a pharmacist died of MS, she said cannabis should be prescribed for chronic pain. To be honest I would be buying that for him if he will not see a GP, along with physio. swimming etc. whatever physio. recommends. Christ I know people who take their old dogs to swimming classes. Why not investigate these things for the man you love.

I have CPRS (a neurological disorder) and a crushed nerve in my spine along with sciatica. Alcohol is definitely proven to aggravate neurological pain. It also causes Alcoholic Neuropathy, where the central nervous system becomes so damaged it causes neurological pain, and can cause neurological eye issues and seizures (also a neurological issue). Haven't had a chance to read the whole thread, but wanted to chip in with that as it isn't your DH is unlucky with that as a pp mentioned. Alcohol does depress the central nervous system, which means when an addiction forms the body is used to working at a slow level and when it doesn't receive the depressant to work at this level, it speeds up and causes tremors seen. In non-addicts, it still has an obvious effect (eg. slurred speech) and an effect on the peripheral and motor systems (falling, weaving, not feeling the same pain level if you cut or bruise etc.) When taken in extreme excess, it also has an effect on the automatic nervous system (so breathing stops etc.). Alcohol interferes with the interaction between nerve cells, so they struggle to communicate properly. If they are already struggling to communicate, then this can result in further pain. Often, if suppressed (which alcohol does as a depressant) the brain works harder at interaction, so you see increased spasms and pain. Those with neurological pain will often find increased pins and needles and internal tremors can happen alongside the increased spasms.

But OP, all that aside, I would say that vaping isn't great but without nicotine isn't terrible. Nicotine may further aggravate nerve pain. However, I totally understand why you'd be annoyed he didn't mention it. I also think the issue here lies more at him seeking relief in some substance - be it vaping or alcohol - which is unhealthy. I found the Pain Clinic very useful. I'm not sure what area of the country you were, I was in South London. They helped me get on top of my pain and can refer you on to do a kind of therapy which aids in pain management. If your husband hasn't been, it might be worth looking into? I was referred by my GP and the pain clinic relooked at my medication as well as organising a spinal injection that reduced pain. I was very ill at the time and can't remember which one it was, but it was possibly the lumbar sympathetic nerve block. To be honest, it was helpful just having someone take my pain seriously.

If possible, I think the therapy could really help your dh. It's more referred to as a 'course', but they teach pain management techniques etc. It might help him look at things differently?

I would ask if he was on any PRN that helped, but in many ways, it's worth being careful of that if he's seeking to cope and relax. Saying that, I find if I can break the pain cycle where all my muscles become tense from the neurological pain, then it has a knock-on positive effect and I don't want to 'relax' as much because I am more relaxed. I've also found yoga, long walks in fresh air (when I can manage them) and meditation have helped me, but there are lots of different things that appeal to different people if none of those sound any good. I have a lot of meditative techniques I use during pain. The pain clinic taught me a useful one that I use regularly and reminded me that we often only breathe shallowly when in severe pain which exacerbates it. The last thing that really works is very strong chamomile tea. It sounds silly, but has actually worked to aid alcoholics in severe withdrawals. The actual flowers work best, leave them for 3 hours or more (can be cooled and left in fridge overnight) to brew. I'd recommend matricaria recutita, but you could use a mix of both matricaria recutita and chamaemelum nobile. It's bitter, but he can add honey, and it's great to relax with in the evening - even if it feels a bit hippie! It's also usually very safe (enough for kids to have one too) and doesn't tend to interfere with any medications or separate health problems. It's my go-to if I'm having a tough day pain-wise.

My neurologists were unhelpful too. The one who did my nerve conduction test actually made me cry. Then again, my GP told me that my Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome was 'psychological pain' when I could barely walk. I think a lot of doctors have lost their bedside manner, to be honest, and get into medicine for the science, not the people. It can feel like banging your head against a brick wall!

I think you should read my post again if you are going to criticize it. I was very clear about the occasional drink being ok for many types of disorder; not heavy alcohol use and not for everyone. I don't know how you got tor treating alcoholism with chamomile tea from what I said.

Neuro disorders are a disparate group, people with Parkinsons and dystonia certainly can enjoy a drink without it making their symptoms worse.

Google google and google.

Keep going until you find something that will help him. Hobbies painting, writing, puzzles, make a blog, video games, walks, anything. Keep going until you find it.

You don't actually know if he has bought a vape though. It seems as though he lives a joyless life thanks to chronic pain, with every avenue of pleasure being closed off. If he got the pain sorted, or at least found a way to cope with it, other areas of his life like DC stress and job dissatisfaction would improve. Also, you mention money worries. Is there any way you can take the pressure off him a little?

What has he been diagnosed with?

WRT Fantasy football and chamomile tea. I enjoy both. However, as someone with rheumatoid arthritis, if someone said 'Gibbon, put your vape pen and CBD liquid in the bin. A cup of herbal and choosing between Mane and Aguero will cure you', I'd be shoving that box of Twinings right up their jacksy.

By being Secretly livid, you are probably not doing yourself any favours either. ie,getting stressed yourself. and checking someones phone,is a no no.

I am sure your partner will eventually get some help for his problems if he is not well,but he has to do things for himself.

Have a look if you have a cbd cafe nearby, the one near me does coffee with cbd shots, lots of different cbd edibles & sells cbd infused coffee to take home, pastes & oils that can either be taken neat or added to food. I vape cbd at the moment due to ME/CFS & Fibromyalgia & am looking at moving over to edibles instead.

Hi OP,

I have chronic pain and used to drink more than was sensible, until I got better pain control from specialists. It was very relaxing. It's really really common, as is smoking, for the same reasons.

I know that stress makes all my neurological symptoms worse , my mental health suffers as a result of that, it's a merry dance.

I also know the struggle of getting a decent neurologist referral: there are some very good people around but they all specialise in different things, and if you don't get one who knows about or is interested in your thing, they aren't very helpful.

I wouldn't be too bothered about the vaping, personally, but it does sound like he could do with some decent medical advice. Any chance you can afford a private referral? If you find a neurologist with the right specialisms you can go and see them privately for an opinion - usually about £200 - and they can refer you back into the NHS for next time / for treatment. .

I know the world should not be like this, but I've done it twice in my adult life when the at my wit's end with what the NHS could offer. And I know £200 is a huge whack of money that not everyone can afford it, but if you can, it's worth considering.

Also, do listen to him and comfort him. One of the things I've found is that everyone in my life is very keen to offer me advice about what i should be doing, when a lot of the time I just want a friendly ear, and a cuddle. And a glass of gin.

Good luck.

No wonder he's stressed, he's in pain and his wife feels the right to check his internet search history! That was absolutely wrong op.

I think you need some help to put your relationship on a footing of two adults rather than parent and child which seems to be the dynamic atm. The vaping is neither here nor there.

@Northernlurker I agree, chronic pain is hideous I would have got my MIL anything to make her life easier, whether it be a glass of whisky which was her bed time habit, a vape, or cannabis.

Vaping hasn’t been a gateway for me to start on anything harder or fall down into a rabbit hole of hard drugs and liquor but then I stopped smoking to vape. I am aware it isn’t proven as safe but I am in better condition since I stopped smoking so that in itself is a bonus
Vaping doesn’t have to cost an awful lot to be honest but a lot of people sneer at it