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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be more obsessed with OW than "D"H?!

59 replies

girlsgonetame · 11/08/2019 21:40

I can't stop thinking about her, looking her up on social media, thinking up scenarios in my head, what I'd like to say to her. I can barely sleep. I refresh her Instagram page constantly. I'm making myself sick. How do I stop this?

For full disclosure, afaik, she and my husband have not actually been together. They work together. I've seen their messages and I don't think she is interested in him... unfortunately I think he is interested in her!

How do we move past this when he won't even admit it?

OP posts:

summersherewishiwasnt · 11/08/2019 21:43

Repair can only be based on honesty. If he was chasing her, he needs to admit the fact, grovel and beg and hope you love him enough to put it behind you. The effort has to come form him being honest.

Sparklesocks · 11/08/2019 21:44

Why do you think there’s something going on? What has happened to make you doubt him?

You have two choices -

believe him, work together to move past it and explain why you had the concerns you did. Be honest with each other and work towards understanding this obsession with her won’t help.
if you can’t get past it and it’s a symptom of your relationship crumbling, end things and move on - if you can’t trust him then your marriage will not survive

Original poster

girlsgonetame · 11/08/2019 21:48

@Sparklesocks
-lying about communication with her (but I have found the messages)
-changed her name to a mans name in his phone book
-moodiness, impatient since they met
-going to the gym and working out

No evidence she is into him though. The messages were all above board, wouldn't have been unusual between friends.

He's now blaming all this on my jealousy and how he thinks I'd react if he hadn't done those things

OP posts:

GibbonLover · 11/08/2019 21:50

What exactly is it that you want to say to a woman who is not interested in your husband? A woman who, by your own admission, hasn't done anything wrong?

Sparklesocks · 11/08/2019 21:50

What was his explanation when you said you found the messages and the changed name in the phone?

Whatsername7 · 11/08/2019 21:52

You have your proof. Kick him out. My dh had an emotional affair a few years ago. OW was complicit. I sent her a fb message privately. I told her I knew, blamed dh completely but said that karma was a bitch. I also asked her to stay away from my dd as she worked at the same place as dh and that happened to be my dds school. She read, but didn't reply to my message. I felt better. But what really made me feel better was kicking my dh out. He fell to pieces and completely shit himself at the thought of losing everything. I let him fight and beg. Eventually, I agreed to go to counciling and we ended up reconciling. The only thing that stopped me obsessing was taking control and sorting out the person who hurt me. That was my dh. My advice would be to do the same. Kick him out.

MorrisZapp · 11/08/2019 21:56

How can you kick someone out of the house they own? I always wonder this when it comes up on these threads.

Lifecraft · 11/08/2019 21:57

What exactly is it that you want to say to a woman who is not interested in your husband? A woman who, by your own admission, hasn't done anything wrong?

That's what I was thinking. You want to confront a woman your husband fancies, but she has no interest in him? Bloody hell.....poor Elizabeth Hurley must get confronted 1000 a day!

Lifecraft · 11/08/2019 21:58

How can you kick someone out of the house they own? I always wonder this when it comes up on these threads.

You can't. You can ask them to leave, and they might agree, or might not. But that's it.

Original poster

girlsgonetame · 11/08/2019 22:05

I don't want to confront her. I just want to chat with her, see what she's like, figure out if my husband sees anything in her other than physically. He has tried to reassure me by saying "yes, she is beautiful but I enjoy spending time with her because she's funny and interesting". I was not reassured. I don't think she has done anything wrong and I don't blame her though. I can't help hate how drop dead gorgeous she is... and I do think she's enjoying the attention, even if she's not interested enough to do anything about it. So no angel!

OP posts:

Maybe2020 · 11/08/2019 22:07

Your obsessed with her because you think there’s something in/about her that your husband odviously likes/wants.
It’s nade you insecure about yourself?
It’s awful to feel how you do op, what you have said about your oh seems there might be him trying to pursue her.
It’s not you being jealous either, he changed her name to a mans name in his phone? That’s not right.
Your picking up on changed in your oh too, it might be nothing and I hope it is, so you trust your oh?

Sparklesocks · 11/08/2019 22:08

It’s not about her though really, if it wasn’t her it would be another woman. And what people find attractive isn’t always clear and quantifiable - sometimes it’s just because they see them everyday, or they are unhappy and want something else - you won’t unlock some great secret by speaking to her, all you need to know is that your husband betrayed you this way, the fine details are not as relevant. It’s unlikely she’s a particularly rare temptress, if people stray they would stray generally - not only for one specific person.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 11/08/2019 22:12

Hi OP

I've read your other thread.

I'm sorry but I think you're deflecting. You've got some tough decisions about your own relationship to make - either your jealousy is driving your husband away or your husband is trying to cheat on you (or a bit of both) and that's going to take a lot of effort to fix. It's easier for your brain to focus on something else rather than face up to what's actually the matter- it's less emotive.

Its natural but doesnt take away from what you actually need to be thinking about

TatianaLarina · 11/08/2019 22:12

I’m sure you realise this is a bit unhinged.

Sizeofalentil · 11/08/2019 22:13

First off, she's not the 'OW' - you've said yourself all the messages were above board, there's no emotional affair and all you have to base your obsession with her on is a suspicion that your dh fancies her.

Secondly, you are stalking her online.

She doesn't sound like she's done anything wrong. However, you sound quite stressed and like you need to talk to someone

Bettyboopityboop · 11/08/2019 22:17

Delete instagram, it's sending you on a downward spiral. You need to fill your time with something else. Is there a new hobby you can start doing with your husband? Maybe take a holiday?

Stampy84 · 11/08/2019 22:21

Is this the younger woman thread?

I’m sorry you’re still having such a hard time, I hope it all works out for you x

category12 · 11/08/2019 22:25

Morriszapp, you kick them out by telling them to go, and sometimes they do. I kicked my dh out. Legally he could have stayed, but he chose to do the decent thing for once in his life.

OP, your obsession with this woman is deflection, as per pp - she's the easy target. It's your dh's behaviour you should focus on. He's the one chasing her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/08/2019 22:27

and I do think she's enjoying the attention, even if she's not interested enough to do anything about it. So no angel!

Women can't win. She can't very well ignore him if they work together and he's messaging. So she's friendly but non-committal. And she's 'no anger'? Nope it's all him. You're displacing because it's easier but it's him.

JellyfishAndShells · 11/08/2019 22:29

I don’t think she has done anything wrong and I don't blame her though. I can't help hate how drop dead gorgeous she is... and I do think she's enjoying the attention, even if she's not interested enough to do anything about it. So no angel!*

You are condemning her for you imagining that she is enjoying the attention ? ‘So no angel !’ Do you realise how paranoid and twisted that logic is ?

She’s not the OW in any sense, except in your overheated imagination. She’s the unfortunate subject of a crush, if that.

Get off her social media and address the real problems in your marriage .

Bettyboopityboop · 11/08/2019 22:30

Men like this will stick their dick in anything, OP. Try not to obsess over the target, it has nothing to do with you or her. Remember Liz Hurley and Sienna Miller were cheated on, very beautiful women. You have a problem with your DH not the other woman.

AngelasAshes · 11/08/2019 22:32

I’m sorry but I don’t think she is an OW.
She is a work colleague that has friendly conversations with your DH.

You seem to be jealous of her because she’s with your DH all day (at work), and therefore are creating a narrative in your head. Everything you listed is exactly what a partner would do when faced with unreasonable, unfounded jealousy over nothing. Except going to the gym...that’s just self care more likely related to staying fit for you than a co worker.

Looking her up and wanting to meet her and stuff is kind of stalkery tbh. You sound very insecure in your own attractiveness...maybe you should be going to gym too? Exercise is great for self confidence and mood.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/08/2019 22:34

Sorry, but I think you're focus on her is letting your husband off the hook. You're trying to pin it on her, pretend everything would be rosy if only she had never entered his life.

That's bollocks.

The fact is that your husband is the instigator here, and yes that really really fucking hurts. It hurts that he's hiding his interest, it hurts that he may have done this before, it FUCKING HURTS. But it is your husband who is hurting you, not her. NOT her.

You've said yourself that you "don't think she is interested in him... unfortunately I think he is interested in her!" That is what you are dealing with, not an OW - she is in no way an OW!!

"I do think she's enjoying the attention, even if she's not interested enough to do anything about it. So no angel!" Oh FFS, you're trying to shift the blame off of him again!

This is all his fault. His, and his alone.

"He's now blaming all this on my jealousy and how he thinks I'd react if he hadn't done those things"
I don't know if you are a jealous person, I have no way of knowing. You might be. Or he might be trying to gaslight you to wriggle off the hook. Either way, you are unhappy and I don't think you are going to become happy in this marriage any time soon. You're either married to a man hoping to cheat on you, married to a man who behaves in a way that sparks jealousy, or a jealous person who will always be suspicious of your partner. Whichever it may be (or something else) - your marriage is dead in the water. Sorry, but it is.

For your own sanity, step away from this woman's social media. She is not the problem, he is. Your focus on her serves no purpose but to shift blame from his shoulders, where it rightly belongs.

perrieryay · 11/08/2019 22:34

Not the OW. Misdirected feeling imo.

caballerino · 11/08/2019 22:34

There is no other woman.

You are the problem. Your behaviour is crossing lines all over the place.

You admitted on your other thread that you have a problem with "jealousy" and a history of behaving like this. For the entire duration of your relationship. And not because of anything he did.

Have you ever paused to consider that the reason your husband is "moody" and "distant" this time is caused by you grinding him down with this behaviour over and over again? Rather than as some sort of proof this time you're right. It must be soul destroying for him. Of course he's evasive after years of dealing with this behaviour from you.

You can't ban him from having friendships. You can't spend your life interrogating him and stalking people.

This behaviour from you is abusive and you need to stop. If anyone should be moving out, it's you not him.

Please get help for yourself. If you're prepared to make changes in your own behaviour.

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