To be more obsessed with OW than "D"H?!

[girlsgonetame]

I can't stop thinking about her, looking her up on social media, thinking up scenarios in my head, what I'd like to say to her. I can barely sleep. I refresh her Instagram page constantly. I'm making myself sick. How do I stop this?

For full disclosure, afaik, she and my husband have not actually been together. They work together. I've seen their messages and I don't think she is interested in him... unfortunately I think he is interested in her!

How do we move past this when he won't even admit it?

There seems the usual rush, to blame the DH but even the OP has not seen any proof, but rather says unfortunately I think he is interested in her
Having seen your previous posts , it seems your low self esteem, controlling behaviour and paranoia, are the problems here.
You need to et some help here and trust your DH and your relationship more.
Otherwise you will push him to either leaving you (which I am surprised he hasnt done already) or actually having an affair.

I think you might be seeing things where nothing is down to your own insecurities. Leave the poor woman alone and stop referring to her as something she isn’t. Maybe counselling could help? If anything it might show if you can stay together or need to split.

A quick update:

I couldn't sleep so woke H up early this morning. We talked. I told him our relationship is broken. You've helped me see that. We're on a loop where I act crazy, don't trust him, he lies to cover up innocent friendships to "save the drama". I didn't realise how bad my jealousy was, or how it was impacting on my marriage. I am going to speak to someone about this

This hasn't happened before though. I do want to say that. I've never been this jealous or this sure of something going on. Yes I've snooped through his phone, been concerned about certain women, asked questions but this time it's different and I still don't feel comfortable with the friendship. In the past he hasn't struck up close friendships with the women that I've worried about. I want to trust him but I can't so I need to work on that. At the end of the day it's not impossible that there is or could be something going on. Maybe he fancies her. I need to learn to trust that just because he fancies someone he won't necessarily act on it and if he does that's his choice and worrying about it won't change that either way.

We have agreed to spend some time apart to work on our issues. He's still gone to work this morning but is going to stay with family for a bit. I am hoping that he will miss us. I am hoping that I will have a breakthrough where I feel more confident in myself and my relationships (probably with help)

I've committed to spending more time on myself. I am going to start going to a personal trainer so that I can look more how I used to and feel more confident in myself. I've let life get in the way. I'm so busy working (don't earn much above min. wage and PT), looking after the house and the children and obsessing about my husband! So I haven't had much "me" time and I want to change that

Maybe we will work things out and become closer, maybe we won't. I have accepted that things can't carry on as they are. I think we are both in the wrong though and both need to make changes

i posted that this morning on another thread. Since then I have had a productive day. I have booked to speak to a professional about my issues around trust and jealousy. I've deleted my Instagram app. I've had a long talk with my friend about it all. I've had a long walk by myself. I've cried quite a bit. I've had too much tea. H coming to collect a few bits in an hour or so so I am going to take myself away before I end up crying and saying things that won't be good or helpful. We are going to talk again at the weekend and not before. Thanks for the help people have tried to give.

I thought that you rarely had "me" time due to three children. Are they adults?

I am going to start going to a personal trainer so that I can look more how I used to and feel more confident in myself
And that alone sums it all. You are obsessed with her because ultimately, you want your OH to say about you what he told you about her. The issue is your confidence and the fact that you probably don't like yourself much at the moment.

It's very hard to love and want to spend much time with someone who doesn't love themselves. Ironically, thst might all been for the best if it can trigger you taking the first step to be yourself again, the person you were happy with and made you oh fall in love with.

It may well be that the OP has lost her confidence and doesn't feel good about herself but surely her DH should have picked up on this and not made it worse by putting another woman on a pedestal.
Yes the OP may drive her DH away or indeed into the arms of another woman but there is such a thing as willpower and talking things through.
Emotional affairs can be just as damaging as physical affairs and whose to say the woman at the workplace isn't interested in her DH , maybe she is just being weary as she knows he is married.
Also if they work together why are they sending messages to each other, surely they can say what they have to say within work hours .....

What to do with an overactive brain and a subconscious urge to be angry at other than your DH and pick at our deepest insecurities by making unflattering comparisons.
I'm sorry you're going through a rubbish situation and you need to focus your time energy and kindness on yourself.

It is hard but not impossible to break this habit. There are lots of good mindfulness techniques to help you stay more focussed on looking after yourself and thinking about what you want from life.

CBT may also help.

Look after you and protect your self esteem, make sure you have positive activities to do. That can help you from getting too sucked into lives of others that just add negative feelings.

I think its an excellent idea to spend more time on yourself but there's a reoccuring theme here OP in that your husband only seems to strike up these 'friendships' with attractive females who are young enough to be his daughter.

I agree that some of your behaviour (lunch and stalking) is a bit bonkers but this whole post in regards to his behaviour gives me the heebie jeebies.

Please do keep working on yourself until you have the strenth and confidence to enforce your boundaries and walk away if necessary.

Im sorry but from where im standing your husband is a letching chancer who cant enforce appropriate boundaries with the opposite sex (minimum).

Protect youtself OP because the right relationship should never make you feel the way you do.

Good luck

Get a therapist ASAP.
That’s the only advice I can offer.