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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my FIL needs to stop touching my belly

74 replies

Fingbackoffthehormonalwoman · 11/08/2019 20:04

My in laws are on the tactile side, the whole lot of them, MIL,FIL, SIL & BIL - they don’t seem to have any boundaries about personal space, nakedness...in the past my SIL has walked into my living room while I’m chilling & proceeded to spoon me on the sofa!! When I was pregnant with DD1 my MIL would come over to kiss the babies head while I was breastfeeding.

This may seem all very charming to some, but I find the whole thing irritating beyond words as sometimes a person needs a bit of personal space!

Fast forward to me now being 4 months pregnant, just announced to my parents & in laws & had to spend the last 2 hours enduring my FIL rubbing my belly at a family gathering. Not just once, but like every time he made eye contact with me it was a b-line over to my belly Confused (He was away on business for most of my first pregnancy so even though I did get some belly rubs it was so brief I didn’t think much of it as I only saw him once or twice)

Please tell me I’m not BU to just want the man to back off? I know he means it with affection & believes he’s simply showing everyone how much he loves me, but I find it incredibly uncomfortable, especially as at 4 months my belly isn’t huge, so the mans just rubbing at my body!

I gritted my teeth until the car journey & then told my husband that I didn’t enjoy it one bit and found it massively invasive, he did thankfully agree & said he could tell immediately that I was squirming but he didn’t want to make a scene in front of everyone.

Personally I think my DH needs to grow a pair & have a quiet word, but he is saying it’s awkward for him & he doesn’t know how to start the conversation off without upsetting his DF - feeling super frustrated & will not stand for another how many months of this!

OP posts:
Sagradafamiliar · 11/08/2019 20:19

Tell him to keep his busy hands to himself. Tactile people aka space invaders are always making others feel uncomfortable but get away with it as no one wants to upset them

IAskTooManyQuestions · 11/08/2019 20:21

Look, why cant you TELL him to stop it, or slap his hand away ? It doesn't really matter what we think or whether we agree with you.

Personally I think my DH needs to grow a pair & have a quiet word

For goodness sake, take some ownership and set your own boundaries. I assume you are a grown woman and capable of doing so.

OhRuddyHell · 11/08/2019 20:23

I'd consider myself a tactile person but this is insane!! She kissed your babies head while it was breastfeeding?? Shock
I think your DH definitely needs to step up here, it sounds very intrusive.

Gruntvsgunt · 11/08/2019 20:24

Just tell him, don’t expect your DH to do it for you. Your belly etc etc. It is so bloody annoying having people touching bumps, drove me insane !

Tartsamazeballs · 11/08/2019 20:25

Next time someone comes to belly rub, grab their hands, hold them gently but firmly and say " I really don't like being touched like that, thank you for understanding". Job done. Don't make it into a big thing 👍

Sexnotgender · 11/08/2019 20:25

YANBU, that all sounds bloody weird.

I had to get DH to tell his mother to stop touching my stomach when I was pregnant.

I’m not a toucher. I hate people touching me unnecessarily.

Passmetheketchupplease · 11/08/2019 20:28

YANBU. My FIL did this once. I said to my husband I didn’t like it not matter how affectionate the intention. DH had a word when we saw them at Christmas. I think he said something like “no one is to touch Ketchup’s bump - she doesn’t like it” and it was fine since. I couldn’t really have a word without coming across as horrible.

YANBU though. That sounds like a weird set up.

CalmdownJanet · 11/08/2019 20:28

Seriously next time you meet him and he rubs your belly just put your hand up and say "Right that's enough of the belly rubbing thank you, it is actually my body". My fil did this and I said dryly and with my unimpressed face said " It's not a genies lamp, if you keep rubbing it you won't get three wishes", in fairness he never touched my again

HappyLoneParentDay · 11/08/2019 20:29

Omg your SIL let herself in and then came onto you?! Bloody hell. What did DH say? If have screamed when MIL kissed baby whilst breastfeeding . I'd prob run off and never speak to her again

pigsDOfly · 11/08/2019 20:32

Yes, this is something you need to do.

Tell your FIL to stop rubbing your stomach yourself. Does he rub the stomach of all the women in the family, I imagine not, just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

It's 32 years since I was pregnant with my last child and I can still recall how irritated it used to make me that people - mainly men - I hardly knew seemed to think it was acceptable to rub my stomach.

It's invasive, annoying and bloody rude, but you do need to be the one to tell him.

Summerunderway · 11/08/2019 20:32

Get a t shirt with Fuck Off on it...

pigsDOfly · 11/08/2019 20:37

T shirt with 'fuck off' on it might be a bit too much for a first attempt at making him stop Grin, although I understand the sentiment. But there are plenty of T shirts with other messages on them telling people not to touch your pregnant stomach.

Might be a good idea to wear one of those next time you see him.

Original poster
Fingbackoffthehormonalwoman · 11/08/2019 20:38

@summerunderway - thank you for making me giggle, I’ve been so irritated up up now

OP posts:
Kukumbr · 11/08/2019 20:42

Always be holding something in front of your tum so it’s inaccessible? Sorry OP, no other suggestions

Lou573 · 11/08/2019 20:57

I always find people rub the top of the bump, which is actually where my lunch is! the baby’s much lower down, particularly at 4 months. I told my dad he was actually rubbing my stomach, not the baby and he stopped after that!

MotherOfTheNoise · 11/08/2019 21:25

Every time someone touched my bump when I was pregnant, I reciprocated and touched their stomachs too. That usually stopped people doing it unless invited!

OnlyLittleMissOrganised · 11/08/2019 21:31

I stopped a friend of my IL's family yesterday. It looked like she was making a beeline for my bump and I was like sorry dont touch the bump. She swears she just wanted my hand but she was quite drunk and I think a little out I didn't just let her touch my bump.

When I saw my husbands gran the other day, as soon as I walked in it was hows bump rubbing my bump.

It's an issue with personal space, people wouldn't go up to a fat person and rub their stomach but it's ok when it's a baby like it gives them a right to your body. It's worse as well as my baby is still quite low so where they are trying to touch and feel is my stomach. I've started turning around and saying the baby is actually near my belly button...would you want to touch down there? They shy away then.

TheInvestigator · 11/08/2019 21:39

Would you accept him rubbing parts of your body when not pregnant? If the answer is no, then why should he be allowed just because you're pregnant. Until that baby is out, it is your body. It's not the baby they are touching... It's your body. I used to just say that. Tell him to stop touching your body and wait until the baby is born for a hold.

Heartburn888 · 11/08/2019 21:43

Can’t you say it in like a jokey way?
‘Will you get off my bloody belly haha’

It would irritate the life out of me too. Hate being touched at the best of times but to be constantly stroked spooned and have mil head near my boob whilst feeding - I wouldn’t be able to not say anything.

You defo need to say something don’t leave it to your partner

LadyRannaldini · 11/08/2019 21:50

Next time someone comes to belly rub, grab their hands, hold them gently but firmly and say " I really don't like being touched like that, thank you for understanding". Job done. Don't make it into a big thing

Or develop a strong karate chop! The idea of anyone pawing a belly is quite revolting along with thise women who find it necessary to constantly hold or frame their bump. You look stupid!!

Freddiefox · 11/08/2019 21:53

Why did you not say something at the time?

Maybe set some boundaries, you don’t have to be confronational about it, just be clear and to the point.

Beldon · 11/08/2019 22:27

My MIL would get so excited and lunge at my stomach every time she passed me. Hate it, hated it even more when she missed one day and grabbed me between the legs - she just laughed when I shouted at her, she seems to think I’m her property now I’m carrying grandchild Hmm

sheshootssheimplores · 11/08/2019 22:34

I must be weird as I think it’s really cute. No one touched my bump while I was pregnant and I wanted them to!!

billy1966 · 11/08/2019 22:36

I never had had a single person do this to me during any one of my full term pregnancy.

It sounds particularly invasive if it's a man rubbing your stomach.

Unfortunately I think you need to grab the hand as it's coming to you and say I'd rather you didn't while looking them straight into their eye.

Your husband telling you he is unable to support you in the face of this is way more worrying.
Think hard about that, AND communicate your conclusions to your wishy washy husband.

Tartsamazeballs · 11/08/2019 23:14

@LadyRannaldini yes, but back in the real world where we don't assault all and sundry... 😜