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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my FIL needs to stop touching my belly

74 replies

Fingbackoffthehormonalwoman · 11/08/2019 20:04

My in laws are on the tactile side, the whole lot of them, MIL,FIL, SIL & BIL - they don’t seem to have any boundaries about personal space, nakedness...in the past my SIL has walked into my living room while I’m chilling & proceeded to spoon me on the sofa!! When I was pregnant with DD1 my MIL would come over to kiss the babies head while I was breastfeeding.

This may seem all very charming to some, but I find the whole thing irritating beyond words as sometimes a person needs a bit of personal space!

Fast forward to me now being 4 months pregnant, just announced to my parents & in laws & had to spend the last 2 hours enduring my FIL rubbing my belly at a family gathering. Not just once, but like every time he made eye contact with me it was a b-line over to my belly Confused (He was away on business for most of my first pregnancy so even though I did get some belly rubs it was so brief I didn’t think much of it as I only saw him once or twice)

Please tell me I’m not BU to just want the man to back off? I know he means it with affection & believes he’s simply showing everyone how much he loves me, but I find it incredibly uncomfortable, especially as at 4 months my belly isn’t huge, so the mans just rubbing at my body!

I gritted my teeth until the car journey & then told my husband that I didn’t enjoy it one bit and found it massively invasive, he did thankfully agree & said he could tell immediately that I was squirming but he didn’t want to make a scene in front of everyone.

Personally I think my DH needs to grow a pair & have a quiet word, but he is saying it’s awkward for him & he doesn’t know how to start the conversation off without upsetting his DF - feeling super frustrated & will not stand for another how many months of this!

OP posts:
yesteaandawineplease · 12/08/2019 07:19

I think you need to say something at the time it's happening as pp have said. I used to just step back and glare at anyone who tried. if they were more persistent I'd grab their hand to stop them and just say "no thanks!" with a smile that doesn't reach the eyes.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 12/08/2019 07:46

Your SIL spooning you seems a lot more stranger than an excited grandparent to be hugging your bump, tbh.

Spinnaret · 12/08/2019 08:09

I used to turn round when I saw hands coming towards me. That stopped most. With my dad, I did the rubbing him back thing. His belly was much bigger than mine. Only had to do it once.

ColdAndSad · 12/08/2019 08:17

It's a shame your husband doesn't feel able to stand up for you, and I wonder if this extends to other issues too.

But I do think you need to be the one to tell your FIL that this is not acceptable. Next time he goes in for a quick rub put your hand up in his face, and bark "NO!" at him. And then tell him very clearly you don't want him touching you like that. And do not engage in any discussion about it, either. Tell him no and that's that.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 12/08/2019 08:22

Touching your body is wrong, because it is your body. (Not his possible grandchild) but what is wrong with kissing your baby’s head!

joyfullittlehippo · 12/08/2019 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparkletastic · 12/08/2019 08:29

With hideously invasive stuff like this I think losing your temper isn't the worst thing in the world. A snappish 'DON'T touch me' and glare gives the message most effectively. And an 'accidental' elbow to tit or groin of spooning SIL should deter her if that misfortune ever recurs.

velourvoyageur · 12/08/2019 08:30

If FIL chooses to get upset at a totally reasonable request then that's entirely his own choice Confused why can't your DH see that?

I don't get all the pussyfooting suggestions here either. 'Please don't do that' doesn't have to be a drama, I wouldn't think twice about batting a man's hands away if I didn't expressly like it!

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 12/08/2019 08:31

I read that. It was the child’s head though

Beldon · 12/08/2019 08:31

Myfoolishboatisleaning, it’s because the baby was being breastfed at the time!

Pinkout · 12/08/2019 08:31

YANBU, you need to tell him to back off. It’s an insane invasion of personal space.

Beldon · 12/08/2019 08:34

Would you want your mil face that close to your breast

Sceptre86 · 12/08/2019 08:36

I would hate this. I dont come form a huggy, kissy family and still seize up when randomers try to hug me unless I initiate it. The reason being I like my own personal space and prefer it not to be intruded upon and vice versa. I will happily hug and kiss my kids, cuddle friends babies and be physically affectionate with my husband as well as hug members of my immediate family but that's it.

It sounds like there is no malice behind it but I would in a nice way make it clear that you are not a fan so it doesn't go on for the rest of your pregnancies. Either you or your dh needs to speak to him.

burritofan · 12/08/2019 08:37

I read that. It was the child’s head though
Would you really honestly not mind your MIL bending down to your breast? The woman could have waited. Breastfeeding makes me feel too touched-out to even want DP near me while I'm doing it; my MIL getting all up on the baby would make me physically recoil.

OP, say: "Hey spaghetti arms, this is my dance space, this is your dance space."

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 12/08/2019 08:37

Yes. Still read that. It was the child’s head

el1506 · 12/08/2019 08:42

My FIL is the same. He’s a toucher and whilst I’m ok with my family, when I don’t like someone, I don’t want them near me. My problem is EVERYTIME he sees me, it’s a full on body hug and a slobbery kiss on the cheeks. I’ve tried holding stuff, walking past him, giving him the baby...everything and yet he still does it. He practically chased me round the kitchen 1 day. It was worse when I was pregnant but I told him that I didn’t want to be touched and he kind of stopped - then it was a rub and squeeze of my arm - and I thought it would stop after I’d had the baby but he’s back to worse than ever 🙄 Honestly have no idea how to stop it. It’s so bloody annoying.

burritofan · 12/08/2019 08:44

Yes. Still read that. It was the child’s head
Got it. Presumably would have been OK for MIL to sneak a quick kiss of the head while the baby was crowning, too. Nothing's off-limits!

BenWillbondsPants · 12/08/2019 08:47

For goodness sake, take some ownership and set your own boundaries. I assume you are a grown woman and capable of doing so.

In the nicest possible way OP, I wholeheartedly agree with the above. Rather than having your DH 'have a word' - you do need to set your own boundaries.

The next time your FIL does this say to him in a pleasant tone 'oh I really don't like when people touch my stomach, it makes me really uncomfortable'. Then give him a hug, if you want to, and change the subject. It doesn't need to be a massive 'thing'.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 12/08/2019 08:50

Do you think? Burrito. Has that ever actually happened in the history of the world. Or mumsnet? Quite ridiculous.

NoSauce · 12/08/2019 08:55

Why didn’t YOU say something? There’s no need to refer to MN to seek confirmation and whether YABU or not.

You don’t like it. So speak up and tell him. Tell them all why you’re at it that you aren’t tactile like they obviously are and you would appreciate some respect and that you don’t want them touching your bump.

It will probably go down like a cup of cold sick as they sound like they’re very touchy/feely and actually very loving which is great ( the last bit) but if it’s not for you then you have to talk to him.

NCpreggo · 12/08/2019 09:24

If you feel really uncomfortable with an outright "no" you could say something like "oh, she's not moving right now, I'll let you know when she is and you can feel then" - i.e. not now! Then if/when baby moves you could tell him "oh you can feel her moving now for a sec" then let him do so then move away - shortens it and keeps it under your control at least.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 12/08/2019 09:29

@ColdAndSad It's a shame your husband doesn't feel able to stand up for you, and I wonder if this extends to other issues too.

Lovely little snide dig at the Ops huband there, who has fuck all to do with this scenario.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/08/2019 09:35

Yes. Still read that. It was the child’s head You aren't just cool... you is freezin - no g!

Of course it's intrusive, of course OP is entitled to feel unsettled by it. Daft response to repeatedly suggest that it is all fine and dandy when the concept of personal space is one that Western society holds in high regard. Most of us instinctively protect that intimate 18inch zone most assiduously.

ForInstance · 12/08/2019 09:35

YABU to think it rather than just say it! I understand it’s awkward and you’d rather your husband had a quiet word, but honestly this one will work better coming from you.

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 12/08/2019 09:44

We have had zero contact with my in laws for very serious and valid reasons,it's been 17 years now.My fil knew not to even touch me much less my only pregnant belly.My husband would have broken both his arms❤