AIBU to think my FIL needs to stop touching my belly

[Fingbackoffthehormonalwoman]

My in laws are on the tactile side, the whole lot of them, MIL,FIL, SIL & BIL - they don’t seem to have any boundaries about personal space, nakedness...in the past my SIL has walked into my living room while I’m chilling & proceeded to spoon me on the sofa!! When I was pregnant with DD1 my MIL would come over to kiss the babies head while I was breastfeeding.

This may seem all very charming to some, but I find the whole thing irritating beyond words as sometimes a person needs a bit of personal space!

Fast forward to me now being 4 months pregnant, just announced to my parents & in laws & had to spend the last 2 hours enduring my FIL rubbing my belly at a family gathering. Not just once, but like every time he made eye contact with me it was a b-line over to my belly (He was away on business for most of my first pregnancy so even though I did get some belly rubs it was so brief I didn’t think much of it as I only saw him once or twice)

Please tell me I’m not BU to just want the man to back off? I know he means it with affection & believes he’s simply showing everyone how much he loves me, but I find it incredibly uncomfortable, especially as at 4 months my belly isn’t huge, so the mans just rubbing at my body!

I gritted my teeth until the car journey & then told my husband that I didn’t enjoy it one bit and found it massively invasive, he did thankfully agree & said he could tell immediately that I was squirming but he didn’t want to make a scene in front of everyone.

Personally I think my DH needs to grow a pair & have a quiet word, but he is saying it’s awkward for him & he doesn’t know how to start the conversation off without upsetting his DF - feeling super frustrated & will not stand for another how many months of this!

Nobody is saying it’s fine and dandy are they?

Just that’s a massive difference between kissing a baby’s head while it’s being breast fed to that of it being born!

Fwiw I wouldn’t like the former either, it is intrusive but you can’t compare the two.

You need to tell him, OP, your DH can help, but ultimate, you have a voice and coming from you it will be more effective. The whole touching tho ng would drive me crackers, I can't stand it. Some random very drunk neighbour came up to me and tried to hug me last week, I cringed. Some people just don't get the whole personal space thing.

We have had zero contact with my in laws for very serious and valid reasons,it's been 17 years now.My fil knew not to even touch me much less my only pregnant belly.My husband would have broken both his arms

Wow. Your situation sounds nothing like this one.

I really don't get why people don't just tell other people to no not touch them

Treat yourself to a new t-shirt and wear it every time you visit the PILs

www.etsy.com/uk/listing/232588015/dont-touch-the-bump-funny-maternity?gpla=1&gao=1&&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_uk_en_gb_baby_shower_Clothing&utm_custom1=16271429-ca00-4544-a20b-d150e759c9d3&utm_content=go_1714670580_75506727588_333557027027_pla-360912201277_c__232588015engb

NoSauce That was the 2nd or 3rd time thhe poster had said "But it was just the baby's head" - the earlier repetition was what prompted the 'being born' comment. I read it as a deliberately ridiculous comparison... sardony!

Sorry I'm laughing at the sil spooning you 😂😂😂😂 what on earth did you say?!?!

Yes of course it was sardonic I didn’t really think she meant it.

The idea of anyone pawing a belly is quite revolting along with thise women who find it necessary to constantly hold or frame their bump. You look stupid!! How is it revolting for women to touch their own bumps? When you get to a certain stage in pregnancy it's awkward to find somewhere to put your hands. Mine are usually clasped in front of me which I suppose is what you mean by "framing" the bump?

I wasn't aware I was holding my belly in early pregnancy until a close friend pointed it out to me (in a nice way). I had 5 losses prior to having my first and apparently it's something many pregnant women subconsciously do as a protective instinct especially if they've had losses. Also, some studies have shown foetus's seem to react positively to it. So I think saying they look stupid is unnecessarily unkind.

This isn't a time for a dh to have a word after the event. You have to tell people your boundaries when they cross them.

I am not tactile, and I have no problem telling people. Just move away/hold his wrist and say to FIL - please don't do that, I dont like it, I'm just not a tactile person, never have been. Say it friendly, with a smile and it shouldn't offend.

I agree there doesn’t need to be a drama made out of this. You just need to tell him that you’re not comfortable being touched. Yes it will probably be awkward for a minute or two, they will most likely talk about it later on together ( MIL and FIL ) but so what?

It might actually do some good and make them reflect on their behaviour and how not everyone is the same as them in wanting people in their personal space.

A loud ‘Ow! Stop groping me’, and a jab or punch back in their belly as you drop down and step back.

If they complain, say it’s just a protective reflex you can’t help yourself. If they say it doesn’t hurt you can say that it’s very tender and feels horrible when they do that and how can they possibly know? Saying groping puts a different context on it - they think of it/conveniently justify it as just rubbing the baby through your belly. As soon as you say you think of it as groping that makes it very different because obviously that sounds so icky.

If they carry on after this, blow up at them, then calm down, sort of apologise by blaming the pregnancy hormones but add in that really, what did they expect, you had already told them that it’s really not pleasant and that being pregnant doesn’t make you public property that can be groped by anybody and that you don’t understand why, if they are supposed to love you, they want to upset you so much...

Should shut them up and make them leave you alone...

Don't be aggressive, don't lie, don't make up a daft excuse, just say "I really don't like you doing that FIL, please don't do it again".

If he ignores you and does it again THEN you be short "No, FIL, i've already told you i don't like that".

With ds2 I felt sick if anyone touched my tummy. I suggest next time someone touches your tummy when your there you fake as if your about to hurl and dash for the bathroom. Then after when they ask if your OK say you were until you were touched and how strange it is as the same happened the other day when dh touched your belly. Get him to go along with it. Then if dh touches tummy only when your alone hopefully the in laws keep their hands off. As for when feeding baby once LO arrives I suggest feeding upstairs if they are visiting.

While I’m wholly on board with husbands standing up to their family - this is literally your body. Tell him you don’t like being touched, it hurts or something. I could hardly bear my own clothes touching me when I was pregnant.

'OI, STOP IT NOW!'
Job done 🙂

had to spend the last 2 hours enduring my FIL rubbing my belly
You really didn't. Women are conditioned to "not make a fuss", but why put up with 2 hours of intrusion, rather than simply speak up?

he did thankfully agree & said he could tell immediately that I was squirming but he didn’t want to make a scene in front of everyone
So you were uncofortable, your DH could see you were uncomfortable, but neither of you were able to speak up like adults?
What is up with his family that you feel you cannot express yourselves to them?

*my DH needs to grow a pair & have a quiet word, but he is saying it’s awkward for him & he doesn’t know how to start the conversation off without upsetting his DF"
So ... DF's feelings trump yours?
Is this how it is?
Until women learn to speak up for themselves, this issue will never go away. Society feels entitled to womens' bodies, & society (in this instance your FiL) needs to be told IT IS NOT OK.

For goodness sake, both you & DH AND you need to "grow a pair".
It will feel awkward the first time you protest, you are likely to get some backlash - which will take the form of FiL minimising, telling you not to make a fuss, that it's "all right" etc - then you need to find your backbone & tell him "its not all right, & I want you to respect my wish not to be touched".

I cannot believe you have been putting up with this for so long & haven't made your preference not to handled known.

Sad to see people suggesting you tackle this in a jokey way. We don't need to be "jokey" to stop people touching our bodies when we do we don't like it.
Just tell him firmly "I don't like that. Please stop doing it." Done.

*when we don't

Honestly have no idea how to stop it. It’s so bloody annoying.

Use your words, @el1506.
It is useless relying on tactical evasion with entitled men like your FiL.
You need to be clear, firm, & - having spoken - expect your wishes to be respected.
Every time he tries again, you physically remove his hand while saying "We've discussed this, FiL, & you need to stop doing it."

Lovely little snide dig at the Ops huband there, who has fuck all to do with this scenario.

Apart from being the son of the Unwelcome Groper, 100% recognising his wife's discomfort with FiL's groping, yet doing fuck all about it, you mean?

It’s got to come from the person being touched and right at the time it’s being done.

We’re adult women, we don’t need our husbands to speak for us. It will do the job if it’s done properly as in a forthright “ I don’t want to be touched FIL, don’t do it again please I don’t like it “ with a flick of his hand for good measure.

I still cringe when I think of Mil touching me, nasty woman. Just say politely I'm so sorry I one your physical family but I'm just not used to it and I do not want anyone to touch me any mote thanks .

God, they all sound bloody awful! I couldn’t cope with all these boundary less people in my space.