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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gaslighting - WTF?

59 replies

Ilovesweatybollocks · 11/08/2019 18:12

I feel a bit daft having to ask but it's getting mentioned in a lot of posts.
Please can someone explain what it means cos I honestly don't know

OP posts:
Nautiloid · 11/08/2019 18:22

Gaslighting, based on a film I think with that name, is where an abusive partner sets out to unsettle you by making you think you're going mad.
It can be deliberate or less so.
Eg. Saying they didn't say something they did, or that you said or did something that you initially know you didn't do, but are so insistent that you start to doubt yourself. Or twisting a discussion after the fact so you look like the bad guy and start to worry you ARE a terrible person and just don't realise.
It's surprisingly effective.

lau888 · 11/08/2019 18:24

Gaslighting is when you try to convince someone else that they are cray. You lie, confuse, and plant so much doubt that they end up believing they were wrong and your version of events is correct.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

YobaOljazUwaque · 11/08/2019 18:27

link

30to50FeralHogs · 11/08/2019 18:29

Are you familiar with google OP? It’s quite easy to find out about something you don’t understand these days

FrancesFryer · 11/08/2019 18:31

Yes, and the internet is killing the art of conversation these days.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to discuss a subject. If this weren't so there would be very few threads on mumsnet

SamBeckett · 11/08/2019 18:35

@30to50 , I am sure OP is familiar with google but MN is also a mine of useful information and different opinions so is a good source to ask

SamBeckett · 11/08/2019 18:37

@FrancesFryer , great minds think alike Smile

OoohMasala · 11/08/2019 18:37

What's wrong with simply asking? I hate when people say 'google it' - this way, OP can ask questions and potentially have a really interesting discussion about something so many of us experience.

Sparklesocks · 11/08/2019 19:00

In the film ‘gaslight’ the husband adjusts the gas lights around the house, and when the wife says she thinks the lights are dimmer he tells her she’s imagining things - making her doubt her own judgement and sanity.

So when you gaslight someone you are making them doubt themselves and their judgement. Its quite common in abusive relationships where the victim doubts their own feelings, compounded by the abuser.

Original poster
Ilovesweatybollocks · 11/08/2019 23:41

@30to50FeralHogs yes I am familiar with google thankyou for asking but I prefer find things out by asking others instead of just googling everything, maybe you should try it sometime then you'll get to see things in a different way. You never know you might even learn something Grin
Thank you to everyone else for your explanations, it sounds like a horrible and cruel form of abuse and you'd be pretty bloody evil to do it to anyone as I assume convincing the person could take a while.
Makes you wonder what makes people tick and behave in such a way

OP posts:
donotgoogledragonbutter · 12/08/2019 03:15

I've lived this, its truly awful..it very nearly broke me. This is something more people should know about, its a horrible form of abuse

Techway · 12/08/2019 03:44

Makes you wonder what makes people tick and behave in such a way

Usually because the person is personality disordered, current thinking is it is due to childhood abuse but I think genetics also play an important part. It is referred to as personality disorder as it appears to be a fixed trait, brain scans show that brain are often different in abusive people. For example areas that relate to empathy are under developed.
The lmpact of these disorders on society is enormous, emotionally and financially. It can be a cycle that is passed onto families. Ex H had a very disordered mum and each of her children are affected. Ex perhaps more so and it was the reason I was determined to leave as I could see the impact on our DC who would grow up to see it as normal. An example of gaslighting, I found something of his in the bedroom bin. I assumed it had fallen in accidentally and mentioned it to him. His response said viciously was "you threw that away, everytime I wore it you said you hated it".

I knew absolutely that is wasn't the case, it made no sense to me, Why he was saying something that I knew didn't happen? I didn't know about gaslighting at that stage. Outwardly he was the perfect husband, never put a foot wrong in public and has a very successful career. It is only those that live with him for a period of time that see his real behaviour. Gas lighters are often charming and the person you don't suspect so it difficult for the abused person to be believed.

FrancesFryer · 12/08/2019 05:28

Has anyone ever met a female who gaslights?
On mumsnet I've only ever know women talk about their husbands gaslighting.

boltoflightning · 12/08/2019 05:46

I knew what gaslighting means, but I didn’t realise it came from a film. There was that guy in the news recently who gaslighted someone to get his money.

Housewife2010 · 12/08/2019 05:53

The term is originally from a 1938 play. This was filmed in Britain in 1940 and remade in US in 1944. The 1944 film stars Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman and is very good.

StressedtoHellandBack · 12/08/2019 06:05

I know a female who has done a lot of gaslighting of someone. It is believed that is it possible she is being controlled by male influences. She very nearly destroyed a person I also know. The accusations came thick, fast and constant. The person lost so much confidence that they stopped going out or speaking to people. This female tried to change peoples' history and life stories. She rearranged dates of birth and a lot of other information when there is proof that she is wrong. When tackled she shouts louder and becomes more insistent.
It is horrible to watch and experience the other person lose ground. It is also very interesting to watch the lengths this person will go to. No real reason for all of this is known so far.
It has to be a control thing

growlingbear · 12/08/2019 06:10

OP, a chilling example of it was in the recent case of Ben Field who secretly put neat alcohol in his boyfriend's tea and coffee, hid things then let them reappear randomly, so the man thought he was losing his mind and locals thought he'd become an alcoholic. It's a really vicious kind of psychological bullying.

WhyBirdStop · 12/08/2019 06:17

Having worked with domestic advise perpetrators and victims, I think often the gaslighter is also trying to convince the victim, and others of a version of events that paints then more favourably, often they end up believing their own version of events, which makes them incredibly convincing. I also don't believe that everyone who manipulates in this way has a personality disorder. I've also seen similar behaviours outside of relationships in people convicted of certain types of fraud, similar tactics are applied to vulnerable people to gain access to money etc.

YobaOljazUwaque · 12/08/2019 06:30

If the aim is to start a conversation then the OP could have less selfishly started with.

"I kept hearing this word 'Gaslighting' and didn't know what it meant so did a quick Google - found out that it's (copy & paste description) - shocking! It sounds like a horrible and cruel form of abuse and you'd be pretty bloody evil to do it to anyone as I assume convincing the person could take a while.
Makes you wonder what makes people tick and behave in such a way? Does anyone have any experience of this? Or insight?"

You see you then aren't expecting other people to do the work for you AND you get to skip straight to the interesting bit.

@FrancesFryer yes women do it. Particularly narcissistic mothers who can do no wrong in their own eyes so anything that goes wrong is the fault of the black sheep of the family (who may be one of their own offspring or may be their own partner).

AngelsOnHigh · 12/08/2019 06:32

It's very chilling when this happens. I recently had a phone call from a relative I had not been in contact with for about 3 year.

Me: Hullo who is this? Oh, OK, what can I do for you.?

Her: You rang me. What do you want?

Me: So sorry, but I don't even have your phone number. You must be confusing me with someone else.

Her: You phoned me, you idiot. Goodbye.

Now I am an extremely strong, sane person. But I actually scrolled through my phone to make sure that 1. Her number isn't in my phone and I didn't phone by mistake (this after not having made one phone call all evening) and 2. I didn't have any calls made recorded on my phone.

She was so convincing. There is a back story of doing the same thing to other family members.

NotSorry · 12/08/2019 06:46

I think often the gaslighter is also trying to convince the victim, and others of a version of events that paints then more favourably, often they end up believing their own version of events, which makes them incredibly convincing

I worked for someone like this. I definitely think they told their own lies often enough that they then believed them to be the truth.

beccarocksbaby · 12/08/2019 06:50

Has anyone ever met a female who gaslights?
On mumsnet I've only ever know women talk about their husbands gaslighting.

I've met lots but I work in female personality disorders.

In "RL" rather than my professional one I've met one woman who has Gas Lit me. It was horrific but I gave her the rope to do it.

I think it's so often men, for straight women, because they are in the position to do so much more than women are.

EThreepwood · 12/08/2019 06:58

My boss gaslights. She is very egotistical and manipulative. I see right through her so I don't engage but this job is gold dust so I'm really slowly backing away until I find something that works in the same way.

Blankspace4 · 12/08/2019 07:01

Starting to think I was gaslighted earlier this year and it takes a term to understand what might have happened.

Effectively I was being lied to, about lots of little things (but significant), frequently. I’d begin to try and ‘catch him out’ but he’d deny and deny and deny and make me out to be crazy. I honestly looked at my behaviour and thought I was going mad. Then the truth slapped me in the face.

TSSDNCOP · 12/08/2019 07:02

I’ve met a female version. I’m not sure even now she knew that’s what she was doing. She was a manager of a shop, and would break a rule, even steal, then concoct a story to support why she’d broken the rule.

She would then repeat the story over and over so that became the “real” version. It was very convincing initially, and she pulled the wool very effectively.

Our area manager received a complaint about her from our auditors, and she changed the version of events so that I was implicated heavily and shifted the blame from her. It was fascinating to watch, but very scary given the potential consequences. I was lucky in that I could prove my version and am honest to the point of irritation or I could easily have been sacked.