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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Gaslighting - WTF?

59 replies

Ilovesweatybollocks · 11/08/2019 18:12

I feel a bit daft having to ask but it's getting mentioned in a lot of posts.
Please can someone explain what it means cos I honestly don't know

OP posts:
Nautiloid · 12/08/2019 12:32

@Mmmmdanone turning things round so they accuse you of doing what they do can be part of emotional abuse too. I've been in that position too!

Goes with putting up and putting up with crap, finally being unable to take it and bringing up how they are behaving towards you, and being the bad guy because God forbid you have had a go at them. Suddenly the original issue is forgotten and it's all about what you have done to them.

Mmmmdanone · 12/08/2019 12:36

Totally Nautiloid. It happens when he feels under attack. There seems to be no introspection, only DARVO.

Nautiloid · 12/08/2019 12:40

Yep. And sometimes later when someone has calmed down they will reflect on their behaviour and possibly even apologise. After all, we can all get defensive.
It's when they don't do this, when they are manipulative, or if it's a pattern rather than a one off that you're in trouble.

Bbang · 12/08/2019 12:42

@FrancesFryer

Yes absolutely, my fiancé’s ex wife gaslighted him so bad he would come away from conversations about their daughter barely knowing his own name. It was awful, I only realised when I overheard one of their conversations one day and put it all together from then we made sure to record all verbal conversations with her and if we can help it we communicate via email so she can’t abuse him anymore.

He was also a victim of emotional and physical abuse during their relationship, she was and is still evil 😤

nextdoorisin · 12/08/2019 12:48

My GP has been trying to gaslight me. Trying to cover negligence by painting me as mentally ill, tried to put words into my mouth (wrote a letter saying I'd told her I was agitated and anxious, amongst other things). I have experience of gaslighting so recognised it and recorded the consultations. I know that makes me sound calculating but she was trying to cover her mistakes by getting me diagnosed as mentally ill. My actual (physical) problem would have worsened and I'd have possibly ended up on psychiatric medication risking side effects for a nonexistent condition!

I think those in professional settings who gaslight are often doing it to cover up their own mistakes. Also I guess a power trip.

bigKiteFlying · 12/08/2019 12:51

I think often the gaslighter is also trying to convince the victim, and others of a version of events that paints then more favourably, often they end up believing their own version of events, which makes them incredibly convincing

MIL and DH have very poor episodic memories and have a tendency to do this. I once heard a story at end FIL told me I'd been there - MIL had obviously forgotten but it bore no relation to event bar one thing and MIL looked way better.

It's very easy to be in the wrong though - if you correct them oh you always have to be right if you don't what they say can become accepted wisdom and if it’s ever questioned it’s your fault.

I also wonder how much manipulative – some I think is.

DH also started fact checking me not all the time but frequently enough I notice – magazine we get had question section he’s queried facts I’ve know - he checks on-line occasionally demands a source – I never hear when I’m right only when wrong – I saw the magazine and I was right and he brushed it off when I asked why. I do think I'm starting to talk less and self censor more though I'm hoping he'll stop doing it.

I grew up in a family where I couldn’t know anything, I got quiet, read a lot retreated - I seem to be doing a mix of arguing and that. It’s corrosive to confidence but also, I think affection.

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 12/08/2019 12:55

Is this gasligthing.

Someone takes top of someone's. The person asks for it back and they say...

I don't have it.. Which is a true because they have thrown it away?
Same with lots of items of clothing etc?

Or something unreasonable is done eg..

To 40+ adult male...

I have brought you a winter coat..

Male... Thanks but I don't need or want it..

You need to collect it and wear it.

Male protests and is told, its perfectly normal and natural to want to buy your adult son a coat and for him to wear it?

BeanBag7 · 12/08/2019 13:04

@bornfree I dont think those are gas lighting, which is more about making you question your version of events.

So for the first example, if they said "I never borrowed your top, what are you talking about?" and then vehemently stuck to that story and refused to be proved wrong, so that then you started to wonder whether maybe they're right and they never did borrow it.

youarenotkiddingme · 12/08/2019 13:14

I think those in professional settings who gaslight are often doing it to cover up their own mistakes. Also I guess a power trip.

That's exactly what I experienced. They were handling things badly and contrary to policy and law. Then as a result something serious happened and again - they didn't follow policy.
I could back everything up by fact and had emailed numerous times summarising and they hadn't ever disputed - just said they'd read my comments.
So then they'd ring and just talk and talk at me saying all these sings I'd said and done (which weren't true) and even starting to say I'd agreed to not following policy for valid reasons and relating them to emails where I'd never said stuff but twisting what I said.

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