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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about how our finances are set up

54 replies

Crystal2000 · 11/08/2019 14:29

The way our finances are set up doesn't feel right to me and I'm interested in what the wise people of MN think. My DP and I have been together for 5 years, and we live with my adult DC in my property which is in my name. DP divorced a few years ago when we were already together and after the divorce bought a property in his own name in a cheaper area an hour away (he says so as to have a place for his excess furniture and stuff etc including hobby stuff which needs space). Our bank accounts are separate which I don't have an issue with. Most of his personal finance stuff, bank and card paper work etc is registered to his own property address. What I do have an issue with is that he pays nothing towards the running costs of my home (where he lives with me and my DC) because he says he has to pay for the running costs of his place (which obviously he does). He does however pay for most of our weekly food shopping, which has been the routine we seem to have settled into over the last couple of years. I'm bothered by the fact that he doesn't contribute to the running costs of the house we both live in (apart from food). Any views on this?

OP posts:

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 11/08/2019 14:33

I’d expect a contribution towards the extra utilities and a share towards food but if he buys all the food that may outweighs the cost of him living with you.

caballerino · 11/08/2019 14:34

How often does he go to his home?

dudsville · 11/08/2019 14:34

Yes, he should pay whatever you decide it's reasonable towards living and home maintenance costs. It's his choice if he also keeps another property, not something you have to fund.

AngelasAshes · 11/08/2019 14:36

Since he’s not renting out his house & paying for that 100% on his own, I think he would only be on the hook for paying towards utility bills and food at yours since that is the lived in-house.
If he pays for all food, that is most probably covering his share of extra water & electric he is using at yours.
If he decided to rent out his house then the arrangement should change to one where he shares the rental income with you.

Jemima232 · 11/08/2019 14:37

Have you told him you would like more of a contribution?

IAskTooManyQuestions · 11/08/2019 14:37

Do you mind me asking about council tax - is he registered at your address or his own.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2019 14:37

Yes, he should pay whatever you decide it's reasonable towards living and home maintenance costs. It's his choice if he also keeps another property, not something you have to fund.

Absolutely. As you’re not married you have no claim on his property and while he has no claim on yours either he’s living with you rent and bill free which is a massive piss take.

whatashitshow1 · 11/08/2019 14:45

Hmm. Seems a funny way of doing it. As others have said I'd imagine if he's buying all the food that's about the same amount as he'd pay towards running costs.
Why didn't you buy a bigger house instead of him going off and buying another, if to the space is needed? Does he ever intend renting it out? He needs to make it pay really.
Could you contribute to his house ( if he rented it and therefore you were getting some benefit from it) and he to yours?

Racingthorn · 11/08/2019 14:47

I'm in a similar position. We decided to set up a joint bank account and put the same amount of money in each per month. Out of this comes food ,utility bills, council tax and all running costs. As it's my house I pay for all maintenance as I figure I will be the one to benefit when the house is sold. Would this work for you?

Original poster

Crystal2000 · 11/08/2019 14:55

@caballerino he never stays in it alone (we might do on the odd occasion as an overnight base if travelling). He/we go there once a month to do basic maintenance, cut grass etc.

@Jemina232 No I haven't broached the subject but have lived with it, considering it to be a bit unfair/a bit off. I wanted to get other people's views in case I'm BU.

@Iasktoomanyquestions He used to be registered at his place but was told a few months ago by the council he had to register at my property, which he now is.

@Whatashitshow1 I agree, it's an odd way of doing it! Yes he does pay for all the food - but TBH is a teensy bit frugal about it! Hence I always feel guilty putting more expensive items/treats into the trolley. So far he hasn't wanted to pool finances/buy a jointly-funded place, he says so he always has his own place if needed (and he says so I have the same if needed). I see this as a sign of commitment issues. He has no plans to rent it.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 11/08/2019 14:56

Bloomin expensive storage!

Why doesn't he rent it out?

And yes, he should pay you more.

teenagetantrums · 11/08/2019 15:01

Surely if no one is in his house his bills like gas electric, phone and water are practically nothing. He should at least pay 1/3 of your utilities l think. However that is probably less than weekly shop for 3 adults. So seems fair enough to me. But can't see it working forevermore

Original poster

Crystal2000 · 11/08/2019 15:01

@Racingthorn That setup would work, and I'd be happy to do that - but if I suggested it he'd say it's unfair as he has to pay for the running costs of his own place. But as another poster said, that isn't my fault that he wants to own his place.

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 11/08/2019 15:02

What do the adult children pay?

Original poster

Crystal2000 · 11/08/2019 15:04

@mummmy2017 They are young adults (one late teens and the other early 20s). By my choice I'm not charging them rent so they are able to save for a deposit for their own place in time.

OP posts:

Tighnabruaich · 11/08/2019 15:05

But surely he's using up electricity, water etc? Plus he needs to pay his share of the council tax. He buys the food - but who buys the loo roll, toothpaste, washing up liquid etc? And when you need new towels or bedding?

RosaWaiting · 11/08/2019 15:07

I understand that he wants to keep his place

but then he should pay a fairer share of costs at yours. The food shop thing doesn't make sense. Just work out how to split utilities and then tbh I'd split food as well. You shouldn't feel you can't buy something in particular, the costs should be split more rationally.

RosaWaiting · 11/08/2019 15:08

in terms of running costs, he can't claim unfairness because no one is stopping him living at his place!

Indicative · 11/08/2019 15:09

Well.personally I would be telling him the time he may need his own place is now.

Original poster

Crystal2000 · 11/08/2019 15:10

@Tighnabruaich I hadn't even thought about council tax - will he be paying zero council tax for his place then? I guess him being registered at my place doesn't mean mine increases as I'm paying it anyway but it might be a saving for him if he's not paying it himself. Weekly basics like toothpaste, loo roll etc goes into the food shopping trolley which he pays for. Towels, bedding and anything like that (furniture, new dinnerware etc) I pay for all that. I don't ask and he doesn't offer.

OP posts:

Biker47 · 11/08/2019 15:10

So he's paying for the food for your adult children as well, that by your choice aren't having to take on any household financial responsibilities?

Why don't you sell both houses and buy one together?

CatSmize · 11/08/2019 15:13

Surely the cost of groceries for 4 adults more than covers what his contribution to a quarter of the running costs of your house would be?
You could sit down and work things out another way, i.e he pays for a quarter of all bills, food, etc, but you may find he's paying for more now.

Doobigetta · 11/08/2019 15:13

He pays for his house, you pay for yours- fine, can’t see what else would be fair or reasonable.
It’s also perfectly normal to maintain your own separate savings and investments,
I’d think that it would be fair for each adult in the house you’re living in to pay an equal share of the utility bills, council tax and food bills. This should include your adult children. If you decide to subsidise them that’s up to you but I don’t see why he should.
It doesn’t sound as though your current setup is wildly unfair, certainly not to you. The food bills and utilities probably work out about equal, but I’d want to check if I were you and even it out if not. And I’d definitely make your children contribute.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2019 15:13

He’s still living rent and bills free at yours and YANBU to think that’s very unfair. If he won’t contribute a fair whack to yours then he should move out and you date from your respective homes. He’ll be appalled by the costs of supporting himself! And to be stingy about food shopping when that’s his entire contribution to family life is incredibly unattractive.

Who pays for meals out, takeaways, trips, holidays?

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 11/08/2019 15:14

Just bear in mind if he starts paying towards running costs then he will be entitled to an interest in the property should you break up - it's much safer the way you have it currently - does he pay for the food for your DC too? Maybe just sneak a few more Gourmet meals in his trolley

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