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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about how our finances are set up

54 replies

Crystal2000 · 11/08/2019 14:29

The way our finances are set up doesn't feel right to me and I'm interested in what the wise people of MN think. My DP and I have been together for 5 years, and we live with my adult DC in my property which is in my name. DP divorced a few years ago when we were already together and after the divorce bought a property in his own name in a cheaper area an hour away (he says so as to have a place for his excess furniture and stuff etc including hobby stuff which needs space). Our bank accounts are separate which I don't have an issue with. Most of his personal finance stuff, bank and card paper work etc is registered to his own property address. What I do have an issue with is that he pays nothing towards the running costs of my home (where he lives with me and my DC) because he says he has to pay for the running costs of his place (which obviously he does). He does however pay for most of our weekly food shopping, which has been the routine we seem to have settled into over the last couple of years. I'm bothered by the fact that he doesn't contribute to the running costs of the house we both live in (apart from food). Any views on this?

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 11/08/2019 15:17

To be fair, if he is paying food costs for four adults then it may well even out. If you want a contribution to utilities then it should be split four ways and if you don't want to charge your children, you pick up their percentage as well, but this also means food should be split the same way. Just my opinion though

mummmy2017 · 11/08/2019 15:18

Work out the total cost of bills in your house.
The what a 1/4 of that is...
Does he pay for other treats. Holidays ect.
But really as your children pay nothing, he might raise the point quiet rightly that if you need more money they should pay something.

PooWillyBumBum · 11/08/2019 15:19

I’m not sure it sounds that unfair (although it’s completely bizarre he has a house he doesn’t live in just sitting there) considering there are four adults, three of which are your family, and he’s paying for food. Am guessing 1/4 share of utilities would be a bit less than all the food.

Half of your running costs wouldn’t be fair unless he wants to make a conscious decision to support your adult kids. And as others have said probably best to keep your house as yours.

AngelasAshes · 11/08/2019 15:25

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted
Is spot on. If he starts paying any part of your mortgage, any repairs or maintenance, council tax,...then if you break up he will have a financial interest in your house. Your house (your asset) is much safer if you keep the costs clean and have him only buying food and/or paying towards utilities.
As far as being uncomfortable with him buying certain foods/treats for yourself that’s a separate discussion to have. If he has to be frugal because his house is costing a lot (and it will even sitting empty he still has to heat it to keep his stuff in good nick). Then maybe have a discussion about how to improve finances over all.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/08/2019 15:29

How much does he spend on food a month? And how much are your bills a month? That is your starting point. Divide the bills by 4 and the food cost by 4. Add together and that is what he should be contributing. If he is spending less then you can ask for more. If he is spending more then technically you should be giving him some.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 11/08/2019 15:30

@AngelasAshes

If he starts paying any part of your mortgage, any repairs or maintenance, council tax,...then if you break up he will have a financial interest in your house. Your house (your asset) is much safer if you keep the costs clean and have him only buying food and/or paying towards utilities.

This is absolute RUBBISH - this ahs no standing in law, do not perpetuate this myth. If he isn't on the house deeds, he has absolutely no fiscal interest in your property should you split up - even if he were paying 100% of the bills.

I really wish people knew the law before espousing what they think it might be

Original poster
Crystal2000 · 11/08/2019 15:32

Thanks for everyone's views. He earns about one third more than I do and his hobby (which he also does from my property as well as using his for) earns his money as well. Because of this, he pays for most of any holidays costs that he and I go on (kids usually don't come as not interested) ie flights and accommodation - costs while on holiday (eg meals, sightseeing) we pay half each for. Likewise at home, we pay half each for meals out etc. If it's something specifically related to my DC he will not offer to pay half.

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Original poster
Crystal2000 · 11/08/2019 15:43

@sweeneytoddsrazor I'll do that. As I mentioned, he is making money on the side from my property though!

OP posts:
itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 11/08/2019 15:44

Even if he couldnt claim an interest as IAskTooManyQuestions has stated you would be effectively charging him rent as a lodger and above a certain amount legally you would be taxed on it.....something to think about.....

Newtothis2017 · 11/08/2019 15:46

Why should he pay half for anything directly related to your DC?

Original poster
Crystal2000 · 11/08/2019 16:11

@Newtothis2017 I didn't explain very well. I obviously don't expect or ask him to pay anything towards my DC expenses. They pay for their own everyday stuff and anything larger I help them with - and I'd certainly not ask him or expect him to contribute. What I meant was that if we're having a celebratory meal or trip out for something to do with my DC (eg special birthday, celebrating an achievement of theirs) he doesn't offer to pay half of that meal - I pay for that (he doesn't offer and I don't ask).

OP posts:
RosaWaiting · 11/08/2019 16:14

I’m not suggesting you charge rent but his share of utilities.

Also, he makes money from a hobby that he does at your place. If he didn’t have that option, would he be paying for another space?

Original poster
Crystal2000 · 11/08/2019 16:42

RosaWaiting If he didn't live with me he could still make some money from the hobby doing it from his place - but much less money, as he wouldn't have enough time or opportunity to spend on it because of travelling to and from work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystal2000 · 11/08/2019 16:53

@Biker47 He doesn't want to jointly buy somewhere together (and has never wanted to). He wants to keep everything separate so he always has his place to use if needed.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/08/2019 16:55

If he is using the hobby money to treat you to nice holidays then I don't think I would be making an issue of him doing it from your house.

Applejack5 · 11/08/2019 17:08

I think him having another house to pay for is irrelevant to what he pays towards your household bills - he lives there and should contribute.

He may well be paying his share through covering the food shopping though, have you worked it out?

The bigger issue IMO is that he doesn't want to get a place together.

Thehop · 11/08/2019 17:16

He’s basically making sure he can leave you very easily. Are you okay with that?

I think he should also pay 1/4 of the utilities as he’s 1/4 of people in the house.

His choice to maintain a storage unit of a house shouldn’t impact your finances.

Original poster
Crystal2000 · 11/08/2019 18:05

@Applejack5 @Thehop Yes I agree that's the bigger issue and no, I'm not ok with it at all. I don't know how to tackle it as we've had a stormy relationship at times. He blames me for that - he blames me for pretty much everything that doesn't go right. He has a relaxed and laid-back demeanour with other people, but when it's me and him he can be stubborn and he sees everything I say as criticism. He can't talk any issues through - he immediately takes anything I say as criticism gets offended, then blames me. This has happened many times over the last few years. So this is why he wants to keep his own place available.

OP posts:
SavingSpaces2019 · 11/08/2019 18:19

Nobody has said it yet - he's a COCKLODGER!
He's also treating you like a mug.

He earns more than you and is using you to increase his own money and assets.
He begrudgingly pays for the food but even then he's frugal!
He only pays 'more' when it's something that HE wants to do and can't do without you (cos you can't afford it as you're subsidising all daily living costs)
He's actually costing you more than what he pays for a frugal food bill - and even then you're made to feel guilty if you add on things that YOU would normally buy as part of your food shop. So you're missing out there too.

He doesn't want to jointly buy somewhere together (and has never wanted to). He wants to keep everything separate so he always has his place to use if needed
It sounds to me like he wants the whole relationship on his terms only - and for some strange reason you're going along with this.
He wants the benefits of a live-in relationship but none of the responsibilities......and he certainly doesn't want to commit properly to you (which you can do and still retain separate finances)
You enable him to increase his financial wealth - at your expense - and he's ensured that you can never touch it.

He isn't a decent partner OP.
He's manipulating you.
How much exactly does his empty house cost to maintain? Have you seen the bills for yourself?
Empty properties are only exempt for a period of time (?6 months max) and then you have to pay council tax on them - whether you live there or not.
His utility/water bills will be a pittance if nobody is living there.
You're not allowed in his house unless it's a brief overnight thing on the odd occasion.
He has his bachelor pad to run to whenever he feels like it and has it all to himself.

I'm astonished that you've allowed him to control and hoodwink you like this.
He could always put his house on rent and use then rental income to pay for it's upkeep - and then have enough money to pay rent/bills/ at yours.
The fact is he earns more than enough to maintain an empty property - but is choosing to use it as an excuse to manipulate you into paying his living costs that he incurs in YOUR house!

Wake up - he's a cocklodger!

EKGEMS · 11/08/2019 18:21

Well you have a far bigger problem than just finances he's a giant emotionally stunted toddler if he can't discuss problems with his partner

SavingSpaces2019 · 11/08/2019 18:29

Oh and by the way - the council didn't 'make' him do anything.
Their answer is: You pay council tax for any property you own - and any property you live in.
By law - and by rights - he should be paying the full rate council tax for his property and a proportional share at yours.
All working adults should be sharing the cost of the council tax at your property.

He's manipulating you again.
What he's probably doing is telling them that he lives with you because his property is inhabitable and needs maintenance.
My dad played this game - and got given a council tax exemption for 6 months. Once that time was up he got a tenant in as CT was re-applied and no more exemptions can be given.

He has a relaxed and laid-back demeanour with other people, but when it's me and him he can be stubborn and he sees everything I say as criticism. He can't talk any issues through - he immediately takes anything I say as criticism gets offended, then blames me. This has happened many times over the last few years. So this is why he wants to keep his own place available.
This is controlling and abusive behaviour.
Designed to keep you in your box and not challenge him on his bullshit so he can keep getting away with it.
He CHOOSES to behave like this with you OP.

WHY are you still with him?

Molteni · 11/08/2019 18:39

Only the financial part. The whole set-up seems pretty fair to me tbh. He’s paying the shopping for four adult people (two of them being your children and your responsibility). He pays for most of the holidays … And the reason he makes money from the hobby from your property is because he saves time travelling (so no detriment to your property). A bit of a far stretch to want to get in on a part of the profit here. I suppose you could write all relevant costs down and divide them by four, but I’m not sure that would be more profitable to you than your current arrangement. Or use an app like Splitwise. Not a big fan of nit-picking though.

It’s also a pretty good setup since it enables everyone in the relationship to leave with a minimum of hassle. Good idea in a stormy relationship.

Original poster
Crystal2000 · 11/08/2019 18:43

@SavingSpaces2019 I honestly don't know why I'm still with him. I think he does want the benefits but none of the responsibilities. He tells me I'm the one with the problems, I'm the one being unreasonable. He's so difficult about things, he won't discuss any problems we have - he just blames me and says there's something wrong with me. He's got the possibility of voluntary redundancy coming up in the next year and I've been worried for some time that he'll just up and leave at that point anyway, when he doesn't need to be local for work.

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Tighnabruaich · 11/08/2019 19:34

Crystal2000 I hope that writing out these issues, and seeing other people's reactions will help you see that perhaps this isn't the best relationship. I hate the fact that he is using you, making money by living with/on you. I get that he buys all the food, takes you on nice holidays, but his refusal to take the relationship further, his refusal to commit - it doesn't sound good. If you are happy with the status quo, well that's fine, but I don't think you would have posted here if you were.

Original poster
Crystal2000 · 11/08/2019 20:12

@Tighnabruaich If it was just the finances I wouldn't say it's not right - although having said that, the things he does pay for (food, basic sun holidays - think cheap flights and budget accommodation) are always with a slight hint of an edge/frugality. if only it was 'nice' holidays to 4 star hotels! But everyone here has made me start to realise that beyond the finances, he is using me - for convenience, because he sees me as a bit of a mug. And he could walk away at any time, quite possibly if he gets offered vol redundancy. I need to think carefully about what to do.

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