Am I over reacting or is he complacent?

[dragonflyflew]

I started a thread on relationships. I was very upset when I posted and have since calmed down a lot. It’s left me wondering if I over reacted based on my circumstances or if this guy is actually taking me for granted.
I’ve included the full thread here but for context:
I had a near miss which could have resulted in my losing my life. Nothing seriously bad actually happened to me although I was shaken up but i found out after that I could have died. I was very lucky.
When I found out the full extent of the risk I’d been exposed to I messaged my bf, we were both at work so couldn’t communicate much but then there was little from him the whole eve , I was in shock and a bit miffed but didn’t say anything as didn’t want my emotions to dictate whatever I said to him but I was still pissed off the next day and told him a phone call would have been nice... he said he thought I didn’t want to be disturbed.
I felt quite hurt and it compounded how I’d been feeling about his lack of real support when things get tough. Anyway, he went away that day as planned, I had lots planned too but I also became unwell thinking I had ptsd from the incident and went to the docs who said I was understandably in shock so a few days have passed. I feel less traumatised but have been seriously questioning my relationship. Bf has since realised he was a bit neglectful and has occasionally called and messaged from his holiday but generally worse for wear and not fun to talk to as on very different wavelengths. I feel a bit lonely but as it gets closer to his return I’m wondering if I have completely over reacted?
My friends say don’t act in haste because of my mental state and recent trauma.
Full post link here, am posting in aibu for traffic.
Bottom line have I been a dick? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3659152-Lack-of-support-from-d-p?msgid=89201415#89201415

I don't think you are being a dick

I can't click your link and didn't see the other thread.
My husband and I tend to be very relaxed about stuff. I've had a few hospital admissions he hasn't been around for, he had surgery and I wasn't there.
If something happened and either of us felt traumatised, or wanted the other one there, we'd be there.

Can't click on your other link, so not sure what happened.

You say you didn't get the severity at first, maybe he didn't either?

Completely depends what had happened OP, can't link your other thread?

If you only messaged him about the incident, it would have been hard for him to judge how you were. Do you generally want to be left alone if you are upset?

Mostly I don't understand why you didn't ring him if you wanted to speak to him?

Ok, just read your other thread and you are wasting your time. You know it. You had great replies on the other thread, I completely agree that he was grooming you to follow his rules with the old 'don't like needy women' line - and it's worked hasn't it? Honestly it sounds like a total shit show of a relationship. You said you posted about him a few months back and got similar replies. He wont change, you shouldn't feel this alone and be waiting for a crumb of sympathy from him. You deserve better. I'm glad you escaped whatever could have happened at the weekend, I can hazard a guess as to what it might have been and it must be very scary to think 'what if'. Bin him off and focus on yourself.

Thank you @nevernotstruggling

Sorry @Crunchymum having a lot of mn probs today too www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3659152-Lack-of-support-from-d-p?msgid=89201415#89201415
He knew the extent of the issue at pretty much the same time as I found out.

@cheesydoesit thank you. I guess I’m not trusting myself here hence the repost and the thread a few months ago.
@RedSkyLastNight, He def knew I was freaked out and the reason I didn’t ring him was cos I have got used to dealing with everything alone my whole life and struggle to ask for help. I also had kids to deal with after work and as have previously posted was in shock.

Thank you everyone for responding. I have so many friends who minimise stuff and I have a reputation for being ‘sensitive ‘ and sometimes rash that I worry I’m cutting off my nose to spite my face because we do have epically good times when we’re together and he ‘says’ all the right things. He shows a lot more love than I do and talks much more about a future than me but I’m very wary because of his actions...or lack thereof...

He has said let’s talk about it and our expectations when he gets back. I had a whole spiel prepared but now I cba. He’s not a child, he’s been married and had several longterm relationships. I shouldn’t have to spell out expectations of a serious relationship, should I???!
they’re very basic and I think pretty standard...

Don't listen to what he says go by his actions.

"I know he’s defensive and protective of himself and his space and time after previous girlfriends and he very much compartmentalises us/me."

The way these men behave never have anything to do with previous girlfriends. That's the mistake many women make. They think if they behave differently, he will behave differently and the relationship will go somewhere.

He's chosen how much he'll give of himself and he sticks to that. He has trained you and picked you carefully, so you won't bother him.

He's a good time hook up.

But he doesn't show it really does he? If he did then you wouldn't feel like this. It's just lip service or something he fits in when it's convenient for him. How has your reputation for being sensitive come about and who has labelled you this? There's a chance you're not overly sensitive and you have just come into contact with twats that tell you you're being sensitive in order to condone their behaviour.

"He has said let’s talk about it and our expectations when he gets back. I shouldn’t have to spell out expectations of a serious relationship, should I???!"

He wants to talk you out of your expectations.

Expect, dismissing, denial, gas lighting behaviour.

You will be filed under the" too needy" category.

@cheesydoesit I wrote a whole response but was kicked out by pop ups! I have reputation for getting upset and expressing myself where others would just keep schtum 😉 I had a very traumatic upbringing and never learned to regulate my responses until very recently

@Ponoka7 He's a good time hook up.
I thought this for so long so held a lot back and even told him of my reservations And we kind of worked through it inasmuch as we spent a lot of time together not hooking up or partying and apparently fell ‘in love’

I have got used to dealing with everything alone my whole life and struggle to ask for help

I absolutely hear you OP.

So you narrowly escaped being assaulted and his response was to send you a text?

Unless his text said "Is it ok to phone you now" and you either didn't reply or said "no" then I think its told you everything you need to know about your relationship.

Value yourself more highly, love. Is there something nice you can do for yourself today? Go for a walk and feed the ducks, gym workout, indulgent breakfast?

So something bad could have happened but didn’t and you want him to have reacted more to the bad thing that didn’t happen?

@cheesydoesit I have also been with a lot of twats. I put up with a lot before I break. This guy is like a superhero god in comparison to others and seemingly very emotionally articulate which also ads to my confusion. We discuss other relationships we’ve been in and general chat about couples we know and it always seems like we’re on the same page

Oh I hate it when that happens and you lose a message! I'm sorry you had a tough time when you were younger. Do you think people take advantage of that though? I'm being an armchair psychologist but I remember a good saying 'before you diagnose yourself with depression make sure you aren't surrounded by arseholes' or something to that effect. I'm paraphrasing.

@Gruntvsgunt I can’t say more about the incident as it’s going to court but suffice it to say, he knows the severity and how close I was. It’s maybe not such a big issue if it doesn’t affect you but a partner should know and him knowing the person I am and my background he’s definitely going to know that I needed some comfort and love

Cross-posted. Twats come in all shapes and sizes though!

Hahahahaha @cheesydoesit I’m making a big point of unsurrounding myself this last couple of years. It’s left me with a very small group of not very close people which is also part of what’s upsetting me. I genuinely have nobody in my corner which is why I’m confused about this. Am I scapegoating this guy because I have nobody else?

Also I’m trying hard not to make him my only focus. I have a very full life and see him about once a week. I’m on waiting list for longterm therapy as well as short term counselling whilst waiting so it’s not like I’m not trying to sort out all my issues! I have been wary of depending on him since the outset as I never illy trusted his commitment or dependability

He's not there when you need him, that's the bottom line. I wouldn't commit my life to a partner who didn't have my back at my lowest points. You're not unreasonable to want a bit of support.

@FuriousVexation what a lovely message thank you. I’m going to get a lovely indulgent breakfast, read a magazine, catch up with the archers and if the weather lets me a quick dip in the sea (not overly hopeful about the last one)