Am I over reacting or is he complacent?

[dragonflyflew]

I started a thread on relationships. I was very upset when I posted and have since calmed down a lot. It’s left me wondering if I over reacted based on my circumstances or if this guy is actually taking me for granted.
I’ve included the full thread here but for context:
I had a near miss which could have resulted in my losing my life. Nothing seriously bad actually happened to me although I was shaken up but i found out after that I could have died. I was very lucky.
When I found out the full extent of the risk I’d been exposed to I messaged my bf, we were both at work so couldn’t communicate much but then there was little from him the whole eve , I was in shock and a bit miffed but didn’t say anything as didn’t want my emotions to dictate whatever I said to him but I was still pissed off the next day and told him a phone call would have been nice... he said he thought I didn’t want to be disturbed.
I felt quite hurt and it compounded how I’d been feeling about his lack of real support when things get tough. Anyway, he went away that day as planned, I had lots planned too but I also became unwell thinking I had ptsd from the incident and went to the docs who said I was understandably in shock so a few days have passed. I feel less traumatised but have been seriously questioning my relationship. Bf has since realised he was a bit neglectful and has occasionally called and messaged from his holiday but generally worse for wear and not fun to talk to as on very different wavelengths. I feel a bit lonely but as it gets closer to his return I’m wondering if I have completely over reacted?
My friends say don’t act in haste because of my mental state and recent trauma.
Full post link here, am posting in aibu for traffic.
Bottom line have I been a dick? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3659152-Lack-of-support-from-d-p?msgid=89201415#89201415

@marvellousnightforamooncup thank you that’s what I think. He wants us to try again under a new regime. I’m not sure I can be bothered and will I ever trust him or will I feel patronised and like he’s paying lip service?

He sounds like hes perpetuating your trust issues and that really suits him. I'd cut him loose which I know is easier said than done but I think if you stay with him then he will whittle your sense of worth down even more making you feel more alone.

@cheesydoesit that’s very astute.
How do I deal with it tho? I’m getting constant messages and calls not that he knows I’m upset also a barrage of photos and vids which mean precisely nothing to me, most don’t even include him or his friends and are just badly focused and pointless. I ignore half and then send half arsed responses to the others. I’d told him not to call as he was clearly in a different sphere and it wasn’t helping when I was upset then he either forgot or panicked and called a few times overnight and when he woke up and I just ignored them as too scared of blowing up and spoiling their holiday vibe

Do I keep half ignoring until he gets back? Tomorrow or Tuesday but I’m not due to see him until the following week due to mainly his commitments but some of mine

I’m laughing at myself too. I realise a lot my anger at him should really be directed at me. I knew what he was like and chose to ignore the signs as was enjoying him/us so much.

I'd block him for a bit. Maybe even tell him that if you want. And spend time processing how you feel and what you want.

Don't let him rush you into anything. Sort your own head and trauma out first. Then deal with him is he offering what you want? What about long term? Will he be someone you can rely on in old age?

Its okay to have a short term - fling. And maybe that would be even great right now - seize the day. But if what you want is someone to care for you and be there when things get bleak - then is he that person?

Thank you @mollybutton funny enough I think the recent trauma is working itself out, I’m just left with sadness that I invested in something I pretty much knew was a hiding to nothing. I believed the hype I guess...
He’s messaged me today to tell me his head hurts and to ask how I am. I just want to reply that I’m sad and give it to him both barrels but I also feel it’s all futile now

I really appreciate having this space to work stuff out

I agree with Molly and I think he is only upping the contact because he can feel you pulling away.

Must admit I find it annoying when some people massively over react, but it’s just a personality trait that’s different for different people. I remember when young my dc got stung by a wasp when we were out. It wasn’t pleasant for her but I just looked at the area where she was stung, and cooled it down with water and ten minutes later dc was running around absolutely fine. Same thing happened with friends young ds the following year; friend was shouting and stressing putting him flat out on the grass while trying to suck the sting from her ds shoulder. Cut short the day out whilst looking for a pharmacy to get cream for the sting. I did a lot of eyerolling that day but guess we are all different as to how we react to issues. Maybe your DP is just one of those people who doesn’t dwell on ‘what ifs’.

Yeah me too . He does go away a fair bit but he’s never tried to phone me before when away. And normally my responses to him are pretty gushing in return to his and very enthusiastic about all his news, I can’t fake stuff tho so I’m barely reacting if at all this time as it’s boring and completely disconnected from what I feel I’m going through which initially was a mental health crisis based on an actual event but is now becoming much more about sadnes regarding another failed relationship and resignation that he’s proven to be everything I suspected!

@Livelovebehappy, I appreciate this and completely get what you say but I’ve made a point of not burdening him with anything and have dealt with many other issues without him since we met. I’ve had enough oppeioro observe him around other people and his friends and family and I know for sure that he would have reacted with a bit more interest had it been someone else. Without outing anybody let’s just say it’s also a big part of his job so he has a very clear understanding of human emotions and behaviour

He’s messaged again to ask how I am and I’ve just seen a missed call from him... I know I’m being weak here but what/how do I respond if at all???

Just ignore until you want to talk to him, you’re busy. You have plans. No need to make excuses.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, but it sounds as though you feel his support now would be empty words. X

@mrsgrannyweatherwax yes I do feel his support would be empty, forced and after the event. Too little too late.
He tried to call when I was away from the phone, I told him sorry I missed it but we’d agreed not to talk whilst he’s permanently wasted and leave it till he’s recovered , he sent back quite a polite non commital message agreeing and wishing me a nice day.

😔 hope you’re friends are being great support x

I’d probably mope with a bath, film and takeaway tonight - with a friend if possible. Look after yourself

@grannyweatherwax thank you. I’m meeting a friend later and chatted to another one this morning. Got a great big book and am by the sea

Relationship all over. Finito! V sad but I’m sure it’s for the best. No more rollercoaster of love!

❤️

! I have reputation for getting upset and expressing myself where others would just keep schtum
Without knowing what the nearly happened event was, it sounds like you are a drama queen who wants lots of attention and pity. Grow up, move on.

@Bookworm4. Ha! Thank you. You’re probably right. Anxiety can play some funny tricks. It’s easy to say grow up and move on but when the brain fixates on something it’s a big effort to just put it aside and move on. As posted previously I’m working hard to try and access counselling and therapy so I don’t go into meltdown when stuff affects me. Also my disability affects the nervous system and when things get tricky everything in my body and head reacts to it. I try really hard to keep it under wraps but also I’m not the type to keep schtum when I’m not happy or if I see someone taking the piss. I’m so much better now at holding my tongue than I was in my teens and twenties but occasionally stuff spills out.

The thing about near misses is that they are misses, and no one but you is likely to know just how near it was.
And near misses may sometimes affect you a lot and sometimes bounce right off you, depending on a whole host of factors.
Your partner may genuinely not understand why this is an issue for you, without being a dick.
However, if, as it seems, his behaviour is dickish all round, let him go. You do not have to have the excuse of a near death experience to decide not to put up with him any longer.
I don't wanna, is sufficient reason.

@hazell42 he says he does understand how much it’s affected me and he does understand why. Which in some ways makes the huge disconnect even more confusing and upsetting.

OP, his words aren't reflected in his actions. He's not there for you and never will be.

And the 'He wants us to try again under a new regime' post - is that his phrase or yours? Either way, WTF talks about a relationship like that?

@ThisIsNotMyRealName1that was just me preciing ! He has said lots more than that I was trying to put it succinctly!
He says we can make more time for each other etc and that I haven’t been clear about my needs but if he hadn’t told me he doesn’t like needy women I might have been more upfront. I’m aware it makes me sound like a passive chump. We were having so much fun and pleasure and joy together that I spent a lot of time ignoring the stuff that made me uncomfortable. Rose coloured honeymoon specs I guess...