Family WhatsApp photo ban

[olympicsrock]

I probably am being unreasonable here but i’m annoyed and upset and need to chat about this.

Background: dh brother and sil are having a difficult time. They have dd 7 who has SEN. SIL started a business 3 years ago that was a bad idea, sunk more money than they had into it, had an affair.

DH and BIL were competitively close growing up. 7 years ago they were partners in a business, BIL lied , business failed we and many friends who invested lost money, BIL and SIL bought a 6 bed house and new car at this time.

DH and BIL fell out, DH picked himself up career wise and after a very difficult time ( PND etc) we are doing well. We have two DS aged 7 and 4. BIL has now not worked for 2 years. Turned down a job that DH found for him ( working for a friend. Good job but not good enough for BIL. Still living in big house.
BIL is now depressed due to financial difficulties, not working, likely to divorce and struggling to cope with fact that his daughter has SEN.

The problem. PIL are trying to help BIL and 6 months ago suggested that I didn’t post pictures of my DS on family WhatsApp group as it may be difficult for BIL as he feels the comparison. SIL does put pictures of their DD on the family chat. As do other members of the family. At this time I said that I would send over half the photos to grandparents individually. No problem and I did this to a degree anyway particularly if them doing anything that was vaguely an achievement/ like sports day, baking etc. I usually post once a week or less to the family group and maybe another few pics to grandparents individually. I didn’t want to not send pics to the other SIL and nieces and nephews etc.

Yesterday at family wedding lovely FIL asked me ( and BIL asked DH ) separately if we could not post pictures of our children any more as he feels the comparison and it contributes to his depression. FIL suggested that the family have a separate WhatsApp group for everyone apart from BIL. I know that PIL hugely enjoy getting the pics that I send ( they have told me many times) and other SIL does too. We all live a long way away. DH is trying to patch up the relationship with BIL and thinks I should just go along with the plan.
I just feel a bit irritated by this. I like the family WhatsApp community , don’t feel a group with everyone apart from BIL and SIL is right and can’t really be bothered finding everyone in my contacts list every time i’m trying to be nice and maintaining family relationships.

But Sara - how bloody awkward to say let’s have a separate group for photos as BIL doesn’t want to see ours.

@saraclara most in his position if they believe they are suffering from depression to the extent BIL seems to say, would surely seek professional help, no? OP has asked if he is getting help and the answer is no and not going to. If that is the case, this isn't going to go away, so why should she have to put up with a long term situation of not being allowed to talk about her children and share their achievements for fear of upsetting him? Where does it end?

How severe are his dds SEN?

BiL can change the settings on his phone so that he has to manually download the photos to see them. Any posts from you, he doesn’t have to.

And, what differentnameforthis said. Depression is evil. But if he’s refusing to get help for it, you can’t all alter your behaviour to appease him the rest of your lives. Where does it end?

No diagnosis but probably on autistic spectrum. Plays at level of 3 or 4 year old, probably some dyspraxia and is hyper mobile meaning that although she can walk/ run is less coordinated. Acquired deafness due to chronic glue ear as a baby . Has been in mainstream school with half day 1 to 1 and half day speech and language unit. Since having grommets she hears and can speak but not very clearly. She’s a lovely affectionate child who loves animals.

She will go to a SEN school in spetember as S and L school don’t think she copes with the main classroom environment even for half a day.

@saraclara most in his position if they believe they are suffering from depression to the extent BIL seems to say, would surely seek professional help, no?

You'd think they would, but it's very well known that men can find it hugely difficult to do so.

I've no doubt that it's easier to be objective about him from behind my keyboard, than it is for the OP. Of course none of these apparently minor things exist in a vacuum.It just others me to read such damning, and probably unfair things said by other posters, that they'd never say if he posted here as a woman.
There's no nuance. People post as if they KNOW that he's (insert negative opinion)
But yep. It's a forum and it's mumsnet. Not really made for 'maybe' sorts of people.

others=bothers

I think you did the right thing by removing yourself, I'd have done the same.

It's one thing if there was a blanket ban on children's photos at the moment, to protect the feelings of someone having difficulty coming to terms with their DD's own SEN.
But if everyone else could post pictures, and it was just my DC whose existence was offensive, no way!

As for a 2nd group from which BIL was excluded from? I'd say no to that too.
Everyone else sharing pictures of their DC freely on the 'main board', but you have to do it in a secret group, so people can have a furtive glance at them without reminding BIL that they actually exist?

You do right to take a step back.

By shielding BIL from it, you're all going to fuel his self pity.

That was my thought too. It also seems rather unfair that your DS has been singled out. But he's going to feel sorry for himself anyway, so I would probably go along with it. Just make sure that it's FiL that sets it up, so you don't get the blame for excluding him.

No diagnosis but probably on autistic spectrum. Plays at level of 3 or 4 year old, probably some dyspraxia and is hyper mobile meaning that although she can walk/ run is less coordinated. Acquired deafness due to chronic glue ear as a baby . Has been in mainstream school with half day 1 to 1 and half day speech and language unit. Since having grommets she hears and can speak but not very clearly. She’s a lovely affectionate child who loves animals.

So the poor child needs additional help but home aren't doing anything there to support either.
I taught achild in that situation and it was hellish trying to get support for them in school because their parents (mainly dad) decided their child wasnt "like that". He used other offensive words surrounding neurodiversity and SEND too which I won't post here.
BIL sounds like a man child who is more bothered by keeping up appearances at whatever social, emotional and financial cost to his family.

Some people seem to be ignoring the fact this isn't "photos of dcs and their achievements is upsetting BIL". Making a photo what's app won't change anything because ALL other Dcs photos can be put on original group.

I have a ds with disabilities and a nephew who is extremely able. Yes, it's hard watching him do stuff my ds could t at that age. But why should my sister have to deny her ds existence?!

I think your BIL is being unreasonable. You don't dim others (kids) so you (yours) shine brighter.

I'd ignore them.

ALL other DCs photos can be put on original group

Well spotted @youarenotkiddingme I'd suggest this has nothing to do with your DC or BIL's disabled DC and everything to do with BIL's lifelong competition with his brother.

It's supremely dysfunctional and you are right to have no part in it.

I think despite all your brother in laws past issues unless you’ve experienced or seen depression very close up it can be easy to be dismissive or glibly say it’s his problem he should get it sorted.

There’s no reason in the world not to share your lovely photos. It’s a small ask to support your father in laws request.

I had to walk my DH into every single appointment when he was in the grip of the depression that he flatly denied having.

They were truly dark days in our lives. I live in utter fear of them returning. Our DC also has SEN and I can see DH struggles with that.

Honestly, it’s truly awful. It’s so easy to say, get it sorted. I used to say that. I don’t now.

Well I agreed it was irritating until I read:

FIL suggested that the family have a separate WhatsApp group for everyone apart from BIL.

Now I don't see an issue, just set a new group up. If anything it feels a little wrong to set a new group up and exclude your BIL but if he doesn't mind then that probably shows his state of mind!

I'd suggest this has nothing to do with your DC or BIL's disabled DC and everything to do with BIL's lifelong competition with his brother.

It's supremely dysfunctional and you are right to have no part in it.

^This 100%.

Interesting update. SIL wife of BIL messaged me to ask if I had accidentally left the group and wanted to be reinstated. I told her what FIL had said. BIL and she insist that this has not come form them , in fact they enjoy seeing them and showing DN her cousins. It seems that PIL are projecting their views onto BIL as to why he is less involved with the family. I know they mean well but bloody hell! Anyway all well . DH and I have chatted to BIL and SIL , PIL have been told to wind their neck in and I have rejoined the group ( and feel much better about the whole thing)

Glad it's worked out well Op.

Gosh that’s an interesting turn of events. Thank goodness you found out before more upset was caused.

That is a great update OP - what did your PiL say when they were rumbled?

Maybe now you can start afresh with your BiL - sounds like he has a lot on his plate, and despite his past behaviour might need your DH’s support..

I have depression, I also have PTSD. Babies (like newborns up to a year) are my trigger. Not as bad now as I was before thankfully but anyway on to my point. It’s not a reason to ban someone from posting pictures when you yourself are doing the same. If seeing pictures of another’s children is a trigger then surely you leaving the group makes sense, not asking one other person to stop. What a petty arsehole.

Telling him that he's no longer welcome on the group where all sorts of family stuff is discussed is hardly likely to help him get better. Basically he'd be being told his family are rejecting him in favour of a couple of photos every ten days.

Well that’s just stupid then isn’t it. If he has the issue then he should leave the group, depression or not, I wouldn’t pander to bullshit like this. I’m not even doubting the triggering etc but if it’s that much of a big deal then he should leave the group not ask for one person to never share a photo while he and others are able to.

PIL have read but not replied to my message. It was BIL who phoned and spoke to them but I suspect frank talking was done. This is so rare for a family that brush everything under the carpet.