Family WhatsApp photo ban

[olympicsrock]

I probably am being unreasonable here but i’m annoyed and upset and need to chat about this.

Background: dh brother and sil are having a difficult time. They have dd 7 who has SEN. SIL started a business 3 years ago that was a bad idea, sunk more money than they had into it, had an affair.

DH and BIL were competitively close growing up. 7 years ago they were partners in a business, BIL lied , business failed we and many friends who invested lost money, BIL and SIL bought a 6 bed house and new car at this time.

DH and BIL fell out, DH picked himself up career wise and after a very difficult time ( PND etc) we are doing well. We have two DS aged 7 and 4. BIL has now not worked for 2 years. Turned down a job that DH found for him ( working for a friend. Good job but not good enough for BIL. Still living in big house.
BIL is now depressed due to financial difficulties, not working, likely to divorce and struggling to cope with fact that his daughter has SEN.

The problem. PIL are trying to help BIL and 6 months ago suggested that I didn’t post pictures of my DS on family WhatsApp group as it may be difficult for BIL as he feels the comparison. SIL does put pictures of their DD on the family chat. As do other members of the family. At this time I said that I would send over half the photos to grandparents individually. No problem and I did this to a degree anyway particularly if them doing anything that was vaguely an achievement/ like sports day, baking etc. I usually post once a week or less to the family group and maybe another few pics to grandparents individually. I didn’t want to not send pics to the other SIL and nieces and nephews etc.

Yesterday at family wedding lovely FIL asked me ( and BIL asked DH ) separately if we could not post pictures of our children any more as he feels the comparison and it contributes to his depression. FIL suggested that the family have a separate WhatsApp group for everyone apart from BIL. I know that PIL hugely enjoy getting the pics that I send ( they have told me many times) and other SIL does too. We all live a long way away. DH is trying to patch up the relationship with BIL and thinks I should just go along with the plan.
I just feel a bit irritated by this. I like the family WhatsApp community , don’t feel a group with everyone apart from BIL and SIL is right and can’t really be bothered finding everyone in my contacts list every time i’m trying to be nice and maintaining family relationships.

Just send pics to the people who actually want to see them. Job done. I don't put pics on famiky what's app anymore cos I know most of the people on it arent really bothered about seeing pics of my kids eating an ice cream or getting a black belt etc.

Given he hasn’t sought professional help it’s not even certain that he actually has depression is it?

No rest of family not on Facebook.

Constance - just trying to avoid a drip feed to explain family dynamics and backstory.

It appears that your BIL has a long history of being in denial about things he has difficulty with. Of course, his family aren’t helping him but it appears there’s a dynamic where his family allow themselves to be manipulated by him.

I would comply because technically it’s not a difficult thing to do but I’d make it very clear that their behaviour is counterproductive.

NT. You could have used usual, average

Both of which are synonyms for normal. 😏

I think bil should leave the group or create another which excludes pictures, although I do think he's trying to deny the existence of the OP'S child.

Has he ever paid back the money? Has he considered selling the 6 bed house if he's in financial difficulties?

No never paid back the money refused to discuss it. We need it as well... PIL insisted that they pay us back and take on the debt ( as well as 15K they had lent him) as it was adding to ill feeling and they wanted the brothers to play happy families.

Of BIL and SIL don't like the contents of what's being posted in family WhatsApp then they have the option of removing themselves from the group.

I voluntarily stopped sharing photos of DC on the family whatsapp group as my sister has been TTC(and failing). It's not for ever, just while she's going through peak awful. I get that you feel he is manipulative but I think it's a bit unfair to say he wants to forget your children exist, can you just think of it as a temporary state of affairs in his own head rather than a rejection of your child? Depression is awful for the individual and unfortunately it can be pretty awful for the people around and you are caught in the middle of it. I don't think anyone would blame you for ignoring the request if you find if offensive to your child, but do you really want pictures of your DC going to somebody who doesn't want to see them?

But this isn't a ban on "photos of children".

Just a ban on OP and DH posting about their children.

I agree with bananasandwhiches.

Although I would probably do as asked, as it’s what DH wanted, I would be irritated. I think your BIL needs to get some help to start to come to terms with his daughter’s SEN.

Why is it only your children who cause such upset? If it’s competitiveness, continual pandering to his wishes in this will not change anything. Like several PP’s, I would be wary of this escalating- it’s photo’s for now but how long before hearing any news is too upsetting so they aren’t to be talked about at all? How long before he asks them not to come to family events? And where do you draw the line if you must do whatever he asks because he’s depressed, as some are suggesting?

As I say, agree to the photo’s as it’s what DH wants but do not agree to airbrush your son’s out of family life. Your BIL is going to have to find a way to accept your son’s exist and have every right to be part of the family. He needs to accept his DD for who she is too. You don’t do that by pretending your brothers children don’t exist.

I have experience of this sort of competitive sibling parenting. Both my nephew and niece have some difficulties (dyspraxia/struggling academically and mild cerebral palsy). My DC are both very academically able and one quite gifted musically and the other has represented the country at their chosen sport. My DB/SIL hate any mention of DC’s successes or what they’ve been up to (if it’s something DB couldn’t afford for them to do) so we don’t tell them. There was a period when the DC were younger when my brother would lie about his DC’s achievements, even though we all knew it was rubbish. Then nobody was allowed to say anything positive about my DC without some criticism/put down or hysterics from SIL. It gets wearing, though better now that we rarely see them and I just don’t mention much about DC. Though sometimes I get accused of “not including them” but I just accept that i’ll never win on this one.

The more I read the more I think you need to just cut off BiL altogether and your DH needs to do the same.

Post to the group that you have been asked not to post photos of your DC. Say you don't think that's fair or kind and if anyone doesn't want to see photos to leave the group because you will carry on posting.

All this whispering in people's ears is just buying into BiL's control freakery. Be upfront. Then tell him to fuck off forever.

Thanks to everyone for posting. I have decided to remove myself from the group and actually done it. It would annoy me too much to see photos of others and feel that my family was not welcome. I’m just going to back away for a bit. PIL can reflect on this. I’ll continue to send them and sometimes nice SiL stuff when I can be bothered . DH can be in charge of contacting his family.

OP

I think you have done the right thing. That way, you can’t be accused of upsetting BIL. If DH wants to send photos he can do so via the new WhatsApp group and putting him in charge of keeping up to date with his family is fair.

I agree with your actions. It's not very important you are on Whatsapp and if its going to cause conflict, best off it and minding your own business.

Let your husband post/send photos if he wants.

I totally understand why you have done this, op but I don't agree with it.

This is the first slide on the slippery slope. What next?

You can't talk in person about your children because it triggers him?
You & your dh can't talk about a job/jobs?
Your ILs have to take down photos of your children?
Your ILs can't celebrate your children's achievements.
Your children can't go to family functions?

When does it stop? Your child will always be the same age as his, there is no escaping this.

Sorry to say but the only reason he isn't coping with it is because he refuses to see it and embrace it for what it is. His child isn't going to stop having issues because he buries his head in the sand and refuses to acknowledge every other child in the family/playground!

He needs to get assistance for his child, assistance for himself and let others live their lives out of his shadow, and out from his depression.

Depression is fucking shit. But so it excluding someone because you won't "handle it" and refuse to get help.

I think you’ve done the right thing. Your in-laws are clearly telling you their grown up baby is more important than yours. Had the same thing but different circumstances with my mother over her golden child son and my dd a few years ago

I was just going to say if it was me I would... and then you’ve actually done what I was going to write!

I think you have done the right thing. I’d also be limiting what I did send to your PIL and hopefully they will realise what they are missing out on.

If they do nothing about it then it’s their loss and you can show your children you had their back by removing them from this situation. Don’t let them feel inferior to their cousin.

Your decision is understandable.

Suggest DH reads up on dysfunctional families. He and his family are not handling the situation well.

If my sibling had lost £15k of my and parents’ money I wouldn’t, having to chosen to take a financial risk, accept £15k from my parents. And wouldn’t prioritise pandering to my sibling!

With no diagnosis how does anyone know BiL has depression? Just because he says so? Nope.

He's a classic narcissist. Read up on them.

I think you’ve done the right thing. Your in-laws are clearly telling you their grown up baby is more important than yours

Are they bollocks. We're talking about photos. Photos that they can see in any variety of ways.

They're parents who are worried sick about their son. That doesn't mean they don't adore their grandchildren. It doesn't mean their grandchildren aren't as important as they've ever been. They're just trying to deal with an acute situation, which hopefully wil be resolved soon.

OP, honestly, I think leaving the group makes you just look sulky now.
A dedicated whatsapp for everyone's photos would have been the best option, I think, and not added to people's stress or made you look bad. But hey.

Seriously, if a mother posted here suffering from depression and finding it hard to accept a child's special needs, she'd get a ton of support. But BIL "hasn't really got depression" and "is manipulative".

Posting in this place is so biased it's not funny.

BiL has no diagnosis @saraclara. He says he has it. That's all.

I’ve also sent a message to PIL explaining that I am annoyed and upset hence leaving the group and have backed away as they have requested but will not be participate in a whispering group for our news and pictures only. I used the phrase by Mummy of Little Dragon saying that I understand that they needed to put their son first at this time but didn’t think they were helping him by burying his head , it might make seeing us in person more difficult and he should get some help for his depression and feelings about his dd Sen.