Fucking confused

[bastardmarriedmen]

A few weeks ago I met a man on a work do and we drunkenly flirted. He told me he wanted sex with me. I said I wouldn't and went home. But he continued messaging me asking me sexual questions. I was flattered so reciprocated. Eventually I picked up on a few things about him that made me realise he was after one thing entirely and I backed off. I think he was gaslighting me. He was making out I was crazy because I was questioning him over the rumours about him being a womaniser. I know I am completely better off without him but I keep thinking did I get him wrong. Should I have been kinder to him. I keep thinking about him but I know he is a narcissist. It's doing my head in. He's left now. And he blanked me after I told him to leave me alone.

Why were you messaging daily?
I think what you're upset about is that you had this pseudo friendship that was really based on a mutual desire to shag but you could pretend to yourself that was just friendship. When you got real with him he denied that you were crossing a line or that he wanted to shag you and it made you doubt yourself, and you're also regretting the loss of the 'friendship' (read: ego boost) and wishing you never got real with him so you could have continued pretending you weren't doing anything wrong whilst messaging each other daily. Am I right?

You again?

What’s the timescale of all this? For how long were you texting each other? Over the course of one night? Several weeks??

I agree with @pooopypants why on earth did you give him your number?

He made it clear that all he wanted was sex.

Your posts read like you’re single!

He told me he wanted sex with me.

Eventually I picked up on a few things about him that made me realise he was after one thing entirely and I backed off.

Eventually? Quite the detective there ...

You wanted him to chase you, which is why you responded to his messages. Why did you even give him your number?

He just wanted sex. His first tactic was to ask you straight out while you were drunk. His second tactic was to flirt with you by text under the guise of being ‘friends’. When you didn’t fall for it he gave up & moved on. This man was never actually your friend.

What you need to think about was why you were so flattered by his attention that you were willing to jeopardise your marriage. You think you did really well by not having sex with him, but you are married so that should be a given. You were however willing to have an emotional affair which is also cheating on your marriage. You asked if you should have been ‘kinder’ & less questioning of his motives. To me this screams that you were disappointed when he stopped paying you attention. He just wanted a shag & would have moved on to someone else once he’d got it. Grow up.

Op, clearly you wanted a relationship with this man, and for you both to leave your spouses. That's why you were messaging him about a relationship.

You need to address your marital issues.

OP, you keep saying that you "thought" it was a friendship - I was suggest that in future, you do not try to build a friendship with a married man who says he wants to have sex with you! It isn't a firm foundation for a stable friendship, especially when you then get caught up in "reciprocating" sexual texts.

Revisit your boundaries. Let your no mean no, and move on. You seem to have some issues that make you vulnerable, so don't put yourself in a position where you can get into trouble.

As you are still sighing about this "bastardmarriedman" throughout the thread, I suggest you have a look at your marriage and see what is missing there that is causing you to sigh over someone else?

Why don’t you just shag him (or anyone who asks really) and then play out teh dramaz on Facebook. You can post loads of cryptic statuses about how awful married men are and get lots of attention from the huns.

Alternatively you can just grow up, stop being a slapper, leave the poor bloke you’re with and try being single and working on your self esteem. Get some therapy to work out why you feel the need to lead such a chaotic life.

Is your relationship with your husband maybe a little bit boring? And your friends are all having wildly exciting lives while yours is work, tea, bed?

Because you are overdramatising a situation that most people would just shrug off (or not have got into in the first place). You've used practically all Mumsnet buzzwords 'narcissist' 'gaslighting', when this is a man you barely met, don't know, and have cut all contact with.

It's a non issue, honestly. He homed in on you, you said no (but kept up contact, why?) and now you've both deleted each other.

Maybe take up a hobby? Join a book group, get new friends? Your life really doesn't have to revolve around making a big issue out of nothing.

Of course he was messaging like you were friends. He tried to direct 'I want sex with you', it didnt work, so he thought he would go the softly way.

He was never friends with you.

Like others have said, you need to work on your bounderies, and why with a little bit of flattery you nearly got your knickers off

So you're in a relationship but you're worried that you weren't accommodating enough to a gross womaniser who wanted you to cheat on your partner?

Why do you give a single solitary shit about this other man's feelings?

Get a grip of yourself OP!

Do people honestly not realise that if you respond in kind to flirty , explicit messages then the other person thinks they are on to a certainty? If you are not interested shut down the conversation and don't respond. It's not hard.

OP, if the goods aren't for sale don't put them in the shop window with a big FOR SALE notice on.

I met a man on a work do and we drunkenly flirted. He told me he wanted sex with me

Eventually I picked up on a few things about him that made me realise he was after one thing

Surely that was evident from the start? He seemed quite clear about it.

You're both in relationships, you're both in the wrong, move on and forget about him.

Another ‘confused’ woman?

You are not ‘confused’. You know exactly what you are doing, and you know it is wrong. You know exactly what he is doing and you know it is wrong.

think I'm just trying to figure out what I did wrong. The night when he tried it on I told my boss as we were all out together and she said he was a sleaze. I just feel more upset by the fact he was messaging me like we were friends more than anything. I stopped this because I thought well we're not behaving like friends and I couldn't keep that secret anymore but I keep thinking what did I do wrong.

What you “did wrong” was ignore the fact that he asked you for sex upfront despite being newly married. No gaslighting/ narcissism involved. He was quite clear.
What did you actually want to happen? Did you want him to dump his wife so you could have a relationship rather than a shag.How would that ever have worked out?
You are crazy frankly.

You're question is have you done anything wrong to make this male upset and so walk away,is this right @bastardmarriedmen?

If so, you're feeling the fall out of a lot of women's socialisation,which is that to say no or to challenge to a male is unacceptable.
When you began asking about intentions the male likely began to feel some cognitive dissonance; this isn't supposed to be serious and you took his propositions seriously,possibly highlighting for him the enormity of his actions. This is generally enough to cause some fallout as the 'bad' feelings have to go somewhere and of course male entitlement means that these are often attributed to the woman involved.

I hope this helps and that I've interpreted you AIBU question correctly (I'm not able to refer back to all your points at present).

To summerise; you didn't do anything wrong by asking those questions.

He was after a shag. you seemed a possibility so he asked you. you said no but not NO more a "in another time and place if we werent star crossed lovers " kind of no. so he saw an opening. He tried the flattery route see if he could get in your knickers that way, but when you started basically asking him what his intentions were towards a possible relationship he said "fuck that for a game of soldiers" and probably moved onto the next potential shag.
Stop acting like youre 14 and this is some mills and boon scenario. Its not. he was after a shag you seemed a possible candidate, but then it became obvious you could cause trouble for him by assuming too much into it and he moved on.

I’m sure your partner would love to know how much headspace you’re giving this.

..... this can't be a real thread/person surely?

OP, you keep saying that you "thought" it was a friendship

She didn't think it was a friendship, she was sexting him. And asking him about him leaving his wife for her so they could have a relationship. That's why he's told her he's scared and blocked her,

Thing is though I wasn't even that bothered about him. I deleted his number twice and he kept on at me until I fancied him and then was a complete arsehole to me when I questioned him about what his intentions were. So is that all my fault then?

It's 50/50.

"he kept on at me until I fancied him"

Sorry but that did make me laugh!

You've behaved appallingly (if this is even genuine). Grow up. Have some respect for yourself and most importantly your spouse.