Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU: Not wanting to tell him my address?

61 replies

JudyOha · 10/08/2019 23:30

I tend to date people I meet online - generally have been okay guys but some have turned out to be very controlling (in a very hypocritical way) and one still continued trying to find out if I'm dating someone new, trying to get back with me, etc. for several years after I broke up with him. So, I was very glad in hindsight that I had never shared my address with him.

Both before that guy and after him, all the guys I've dated - I've never told them my address - I did know the guy's address though (I never forced them to tell me - they'd invite me around to theirs.. for obvious reasons lol) and generally it's been OK.

But someone who I started to date recently (2 months ago) - who seems good in a lot of ways said he found it very odd I wouldn't tell him my address and kept trying to guess where I lived, etc. I know exactly where he lives as I've visited him, his job location, etc. (but he voluntarily told me - I never insisted). He said it's odd that I know where he lives but he doesn't know where I live. I did tell him about my awful ex and some women tend to be more cautious about revealing addresses compared to men - he said he wanted to know so he could walk me home after dates etc. and that it's a shame I don't trust him, his previous partners had told him their address etc. I told him it's not about trust - it's just a policy I apply to all the people I've dated (even the ones I had been with for 1.5 years) and none of them had a huge issue about it.

I live in a rented flatshare. Main reasons for not telling him are not really the danger element (as it's unlikely) but I kinda like having my "own space/hideout" - I'd hate to be looking awful and putting the bins out etc. and have him visiting for a surprise visit, or know when I leave home and get back home, etc. I find it worse that it's a flatshare I live in so if he was to randomly visit me one day without telling me, one of my flatmates might let him into our home (I don't like the idea of him or anyone having that much access to me and my space).

I've no idea what the solution is :( I know it seems easy to say tell him when you trust him and make boundaries clear but him being a bit of a spontaneous romantic, he might just suddenly impulsively visit me without letting me know.

I know I could always move home if things were to go very badly but I really like my current place. I know my psycho ex would have definitely stalked me etc. if he knew my address!

OP posts:

HotChocWithCream · 10/08/2019 23:40

I’m female but I imagine if I were a guy I would take issue with this at the current stage in your relationship.

At the beginning- absolutely- very sensible! However after several months of dating if you don’t fully trust the person then you should not be with them or visiting their home! You are being completely unreasonable.

It would be reasonable to explain that due to your home share situation spontaneous visits would not be appropriate.

Mac47 · 10/08/2019 23:43

Are you actually emotionally ready to date anyone? I'm all for being cautious, but 1 1/2 years and they don't know your address? And the 'they may see me looking a mess' bit. Don't invite people home by all means, but you sound overly stressed by the whole thing.

PlanBea · 10/08/2019 23:50

I thought this was going to be about an online date you hadn't met yet. After two months still being cagey about them knowing your address and actively withholding it sounds like you maybe aren't ready to be emotionally connected to someone else yet, past a fling.

Do you see it going anywhere with this date?

Bananalanacake · 10/08/2019 23:50

well done to you. if the man is genuine they will respect your need for privacy. though I would say up to 6 months is good and then you know how serious the relationship is.

pinkdelight · 10/08/2019 23:55

The 1.5 years thing is really weird. Two months is pretty odd already. I mean, if none of these guys actually means anything to you and you just want to date and keep things superficial then at a stretch I could just about understand it, but it's sad that you can't be yourself to the extent that you worry they wouldn't like you if they saw you putting a bin out. Don't you stay at his place? Hasn't he seen how you look when you're not at your best? I agree with him that it's unusual and very distrusting (of your own judgement as much as of him). Just because an ex has been nutty doesn't mean you have to live undercover with every man.

Idontlikethatship · 10/08/2019 23:58

If you're not comfortable sharing your address and hes trying to push you into it, I'd be getting rid

WorraLiberty · 11/08/2019 00:01

I would assume you were married and wouldn't touch you with a barge pole if you wouldn't tell me where you lived after a few months of being in a relationship.

One and a half years?

I really can't get my head round that.

WorraLiberty · 11/08/2019 00:04

I've no idea what the solution is sad I know it seems easy to say tell him when you trust him and make boundaries clear but him being a bit of a spontaneous romantic, he might just suddenly impulsively visit me without letting me know.

Yeah he might want to do that but it's pretty doubtful and even more so if you've made it 100% clear you wouldn't enjoy that.

GoldenRule · 11/08/2019 00:06

I thought your post was relatively reasonable until the 1.5 years thing.

That's just not on. I think you really need to work on our own trust issues. This isn't about anyone else.

IsobelRae23 · 11/08/2019 00:07

1 1/2 years and they don’t know where you lived??!!

Flip this thread to you saying that about a guy- he wouldn’t tell you. You would have every poster telling you it’s red flags, he’s hiding something, ditch him ASAP!

Fiveletters · 11/08/2019 00:11

1.5 years and they don’t know where you live?! Very bizarre.

lyralalala · 11/08/2019 00:11

I wouldn’t date someone for more than a month or so who actively hid where they lived.

A year and a half is insane. I’d assume something major was being hidden tbh

crimsonlake · 11/08/2019 00:15

Is this for real????

Rachelover40 · 11/08/2019 00:21

Give it a bit longer and then tell him but also tell him you're in a flat share and say you do not want anybody turning up unannounced. I understand how you feel about having your own private little hidey hole, it's your space and feels safe (I'm the same). However, if you are going to have a long term relationship with this guy, you'll have to tell him your address sooner or later. He might think you have a man living with you if you carry on being mysterious about it for much longer.

Good luck.

thecatinthetwat · 11/08/2019 00:28

Yep, same as everyone else. Totally fine at first, but 1.5 years - that’s insane.

Your reasons sound pretty odd too tbh, is there more going on? Therapy is a wonderful thing, might help you feel more trusting.

Totaldogsbody · 11/08/2019 00:30

Think 1 1/2yrs is excessive a few months maybe, as regards to the flat share I'd just tell my flatmates that they were not to let anyone in who visits you and you're not there. As pps have said if this was the guy not telling you, you'd be suspicious about his marital status and probably with good cause. Surely after a few months you should be able to tell what they're like and if there's any concerns about them get rid of them before you give out your address.

timshelthechoice · 11/08/2019 00:55

I'd assume you were married or covering something big and drop you. You sound very, very odd.

thecatneuterer · 11/08/2019 00:58

Utter, utter madness. I'm struggling to believe this is genuine.

If I were him I'd have dumped you ages ago for being so weird and suspicious (I'd assume you were married). Just say you don't like surprise visits and that will solve the (non-existent) problem.

VenusTiger · 11/08/2019 01:23

Think you need to move out of the flat share, you’ve outgrown it, you even said you like your own space that’s yours.
Find your own place that’s not shared with your own front door. Tell your bf (yes he’s your bf not a date after 2 months) your new address and trust him. Above all, trust yourself.

PumpkinP · 11/08/2019 01:31

If this was a guy posting this everyone would be saying he was married. Yes I find it extremely weird and I don’t get the worry about the just showing up and you “looking a mess” just tell them not to show up uninvited but then I’ve never had a guy I’m dating just turn up at my house!

SaraNade · 11/08/2019 04:49

To be honest you sound quite emotionally unstable if you were in a relationship with someone for one and a half years and never gave them your address. You indicated you went back to their place for sex. To me, having sex is a much more vulnerable position than him knowing your address. It is rather ironic that you would have no problems sleeping with people you meet up with online, yet balk at giving them your address. To me, it's wrong way around. This guy sounds sweet and decent, I don't think you deserve him to be honest. Or at least are capable of entering a mutually respectful relationship at this time. Please get some therapy, get help, because your issues with someone having your address 1.5 years into a relationship is NOT NORMAL. You really don't seem mentally/emotionally prepared for a relationship.

ManxomeFoe · 11/08/2019 05:14

Fair enough for the first three or four dates but after that it's just a bit weird. Why should he always have to host you at his house? I think I would assume that you had something major to hide ie. a live-in partner, a hoarding problem, or that you're secretly homeless and live in your car.

tashac89 · 11/08/2019 05:58

Another for would assume you're married or hiding something big at the very least.
He may have volunteered his address, but what if he was as strange about it as you seem to be? Would you pay for hotels to have sex? Very odd.

FlyingSpaghettiM0nster · 11/08/2019 06:24

This is weird... The first few data, fair enough but a couple of months in is a bit odd, 1.5 years is plain weird. Heaven help you if you decide to have kids, are you going to make him wait outside while you doll yourself up??

FlyingSpaghettiM0nster · 11/08/2019 06:25

And a good point from other posters, at some point he's going to assume you're hiding a husband or something

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread