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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: Not wanting to tell him my address?

61 replies

JudyOha · 10/08/2019 23:30

I tend to date people I meet online - generally have been okay guys but some have turned out to be very controlling (in a very hypocritical way) and one still continued trying to find out if I'm dating someone new, trying to get back with me, etc. for several years after I broke up with him. So, I was very glad in hindsight that I had never shared my address with him.

Both before that guy and after him, all the guys I've dated - I've never told them my address - I did know the guy's address though (I never forced them to tell me - they'd invite me around to theirs.. for obvious reasons lol) and generally it's been OK.

But someone who I started to date recently (2 months ago) - who seems good in a lot of ways said he found it very odd I wouldn't tell him my address and kept trying to guess where I lived, etc. I know exactly where he lives as I've visited him, his job location, etc. (but he voluntarily told me - I never insisted). He said it's odd that I know where he lives but he doesn't know where I live. I did tell him about my awful ex and some women tend to be more cautious about revealing addresses compared to men - he said he wanted to know so he could walk me home after dates etc. and that it's a shame I don't trust him, his previous partners had told him their address etc. I told him it's not about trust - it's just a policy I apply to all the people I've dated (even the ones I had been with for 1.5 years) and none of them had a huge issue about it.

I live in a rented flatshare. Main reasons for not telling him are not really the danger element (as it's unlikely) but I kinda like having my "own space/hideout" - I'd hate to be looking awful and putting the bins out etc. and have him visiting for a surprise visit, or know when I leave home and get back home, etc. I find it worse that it's a flatshare I live in so if he was to randomly visit me one day without telling me, one of my flatmates might let him into our home (I don't like the idea of him or anyone having that much access to me and my space).

I've no idea what the solution is :( I know it seems easy to say tell him when you trust him and make boundaries clear but him being a bit of a spontaneous romantic, he might just suddenly impulsively visit me without letting me know.

I know I could always move home if things were to go very badly but I really like my current place. I know my psycho ex would have definitely stalked me etc. if he knew my address!

OP posts:
sanmiguel · 11/08/2019 06:31

Yep another saying this is odd. If it was a man, I'd be advising my friend to think twice as I'd assume he was withholding something like being married, living at home with his mum or a hoarder. Or worse, being emotionally unavailable and wanting to keep clear boundaries from time spent with and without the partner. Either scenario wouldn't, I don't think, make for a great relationship so I suspect he's thinking similarly!

user1480880826 · 11/08/2019 06:34

You’ve only been seeing him for 2 months! He’s virtually a stranger. Of course you shouldn’t give him your address if you don’t want to.

To the person above who said they would find it strange “at this stage in the relationship” if they were male - are you mad? It’s barely a relationship. 2 months!

SaraNade · 11/08/2019 06:56

@user1480880826 People are often moving in together (these days) at 2 months. The bottom line is that if it's serious enough to have sex with someone, surely it is a serious enough actual official relationship and hence would, common sense would suggest, that they would have each other's addresses?

MargotSimpson · 11/08/2019 06:57

YABU and really weird.

user1480880826 · 11/08/2019 07:02

@SaraNade you’ve got to be kidding? Just because some (crazy) people decide to love with someone after just two months it doesn’t mean that seeing someone for two months means it’s a serious relationship. Let’s assume they see each other once a week. That means they’ve met 8 times!

How can you possibly berate a woman for being cautious with her safety and happiness? Normal it’s what mumsnet posters encourage yet here you are making her out to be a weirdo.

Also, having sex with someone doesn’t constitute a relationship. What decade were you born in? The 1940s?

SaraNade · 11/08/2019 07:10

@user1480880826 Read the previous posts, you will see you are in the minority.

And unless you are stone cold, to most women having sex is a very big step in dating/relationship. It may be 2019, but this still holds true so I am not sure where you've been all this time. If it isn't serious, you wouldn't be sleeping with a guy you hardly know. Um, this is basic common sense. It risks your SEXUAL safety, which I see you don't see as serious as the physical safety.

If you think 2 people aren't in a relationship after 2 months, you are the one that has to be kidding.

user1480880826 · 11/08/2019 07:23

@SaraNade being in the minority doesn’t make me wrong. The majority voted for brexit after all.

I’m not saying the OP isn’t in a relationship. I’m saying it’s only been 2 months so it’s not exactly serious or long term. The OP can take things as slowly as she wants and for whatever reasons she wants. If she decides there comes a time that she’s happy to share her address then fine. If she doesn’t then she is perfectly entitled not to.

Your views on sex are pretty out of date. Sleeping with someone does not mean you are in a committed relationship. She only have to browse through a few pages of mumsnet to see that. Most of my single friends have a lot of sex with a lot of different people thanks to apps like tinder. It’s just a bit of harmless fun. They are not all playing fast and free with their sexual health. They take precautions and have regular sexual health checks. It is possible to just have set with someone just for the sake of having sex. And before you start judging my friends, they are all regular, middle class professionals, both male and female.

MRex · 11/08/2019 07:31

2 months is already getting a bit too long to hold someone at arms length, which is what you're doing by hiding your address. Time to decide if you want this man to be a proper boyfriend or let him go and find someone you can feel comfortable with.

If you think your flatmates would let someone in when you've asked them not to, then you need a new houseshare or rent a studio or something on your own. It isn't a relationship at 1.5 years if you're withholding your home from someone, that's just very strange.

sanmiguel · 11/08/2019 07:32

Yes... it's good to be cautious in the early days. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with keeping things casual or slow. But my comments, and I'd expect the comments of the majority are in response to the fact the OP maintained this level of 'secrecy' in her 18 month relationship.
This is no way to live. I suspect OP must either have high anxiety levels or perceived need to be in control, if you want to keep your address quiet in case someone turns up unannounced when you're not looking your best.

I bought a house with a living room on the back so I absolutely get the intention to only keep guests planned - we do not answer the door unless we're expecting someone or a parcel 🤣 but this seems a bit much if you're wanting to develop a relationship with someone.

There's nothing wrong with saying 'don't turn up unannounced, I don't like surprises and won't appreciate it if I'm in the bath or knee deep in oven cleaning, but I'd absolutely like to make plans with you'.

Beautiful3 · 11/08/2019 07:47

I think that it's odd. Maybe you need counselling to work on trust issues? I think after a few months you could show him where you live. 1.5 years...I cannot get my head around that one

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 11/08/2019 07:51

I’d say - if you know the address of the guy you’re with, only fair he knows yours. A relationship is about trust, sharing and connection. If one person is opening up their home to you but you’re not willing to do the same, you have to ask yourself how far is this ever going to go?

GinUnicorn · 11/08/2019 08:04

This is unusual. I don’t know what happened in your last relationship but was he abusive? If so I can totally understand why you would feel this need to keep your home a safe space but i don’t think you will be able to have a fully trusting and committed relationship until you have addressed this and moved forward. Have you considered counselling? Maybe you can work on this with someone. Wishing you all the best.Flowers

memaymamo · 11/08/2019 08:32

I have to agree it's unusual. Maybe you can reassure him by saying "I know it's odd and please don't take it personally, but this is a boundary I've decided on. I hope you can understand and respect that." You'll need to clarify with him why you don't give out your address, otherwise he'll wonder what you are hiding (eg you're married).

Acknowledging that you know it's an unusual standard may help.

northernknickers · 11/08/2019 08:35

OP...at what point in a relationship would you reveal your address to your partner? If 18 months is still 'too soon', when would be 'ok'?

I hope you begin to see how unusual this is after reading this thread. Perhaps you need to seek some kind of counselling for your past issues, so that you can move on comfortably.

Sirzy · 11/08/2019 08:39

I would struggle to trust someone who kept such a big thing secret.

pooopypants · 11/08/2019 09:00

If someone on MN posted this saying "I've been dating a guy for 18 months and he won't tell me his address", imagine the number of replies saying "he's married!"

Have you tried dating IRL, sounds far less stressful

And yes, to me, by 18 months you're surely past the 'is he secretly an axe murderer?' stage and you've got a better idea of what kind of person he is?

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 11/08/2019 09:09

So are you having casual sex or actually dating/looking for a relationship? You can't have a relationship and never know where someone lives or stay at their house.

leghairdontcare · 11/08/2019 09:19

Dating a guy online for two months - probably sensible to not let him know your address.

Dating a guy for 18 months - Very weird not to let him know your address.

Where's the mid point? I'm not sure but I think you need to figure out a new policy or be clear to these men that you're not after a serious relationship.

Casander · 11/08/2019 09:42

Echo a lot of other posters and if this was flipped and a guy was refusing to tell you where he lived then it would be all red flags and people telling you he's hiding something.

In the nicest possible way I'd knock the dating on the head as it comes across you don't actually enjoy meeting people anyway and get some counselling for your trust issues.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 11/08/2019 09:44

I was a bit Confused at two months, but 1.5 years? Did I read that right?

CruellaFeinberg · 11/08/2019 09:44

I would assume you were married and wouldn't touch you with a barge pole if you wouldn't tell me where you lived after a few months of being in a relationship.
Me too

user1493413286 · 11/08/2019 09:46

At what point do you tell people your address? I get it at first but once you’ve started sleeping together and therefore been to someone else’s then I’d find it odd. I would assume you were hiding something to be honest and it’d put me off if you were happy to come to my place but not share your address or invite me back.

catwithnohat · 11/08/2019 09:51

I think you're ever so slightly bonkers - I wouldn't date someone who wouldn't tell me where they lived as it would feel that they didn't trust me. I mean once we'd seeing each other more than a couple of times that is.

If you're in that situation and you still don't want to tell them I think you need to look at the choices you're making. Trust must come into it and if you're really not that sure of them then why waste your time.

ShirleyPhallus · 11/08/2019 09:58

I would assume you were married and wouldn't touch you with a barge pole if you wouldn't tell me where you lived after a few months of being in a relationship.

Completely agree

And I think it’s far riskier to go back to a guy’s house to have sex with him than bring him to yours, especially if you have a house share and there are other people there

Sidge · 11/08/2019 10:24

I totally understand not giving out your address to people you hardly know, especially with online dating (I’ve been OLD since last year so get the privacy/safety/self preservation thing).

But to restrict that information to such an extent and for so long is just weird. What are you afraid of? I don’t buy the “I don’t want him popping round” after such a long time - surely you just explain and establish your boundaries, tell him you hate unplanned visitors. I hate people popping in, and make it clear I find it unacceptable.

How do you expect to form a mutually respectful, caring, loving and intimate long term relationship when you are withholding so much of yourself?

I can’t believe a guy put up with that for a year and a half! He must have been very passive and very accepting.