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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think this advice is unrealistic? Vasectomy related

68 replies

thatsnotmytractor · 10/08/2019 18:32

DH had a vasectomy yesterday. All went well, he's a bit sore but no problems so far. Walking normally, managing fine with paracetamol etc. For context, we have a 4yo and a 9 mo.

Before we left the clinic we were told by the Nurse that, as well as all the aftercare advice we had been expecting based on our research, DH must not pick up our 9 month old DS at all for two weeks.
I was surprised by this as she had just said he should be fine to drive, go back to work and basically resume all his usual activities in 2-3 days. I assumed I had misheard her at first but she confirmed it was 2 weeks, not days.

So if he can't pick him up that basically means DH can't be left alone with the baby for any significant length of time for two whole weeks. We've no family support other than my parents, who are on holiday for the next two weeks. So in order to follow the Nurses advice I've had to cancel a medical appointment on Monday (which I've been told cannot be rescheduled for several weeks) and will also have to cancel a couple of meetings that have been planned for weeks as I can't leave the house without DS in tow.

DS is currently teething so he's pretty clingy and miserable at the moment, constantly wanting to be held and waking several times a night. We've had nights recently where he's woken up every 30 mins- 1 hour and is always up for the day at around 5am. I know I'm BU to be making this about me when DH has just had an op but the thought of all the night wakings being down to me to deal with, plus not being able to go anywhere alone for the next couple of weeks is pretty grim. I'm sure I'd feel differently if DH was properly laid up and on bed rest or something, but he's going to be back at work, socialising with friends, doing everything he normally does except look after DS while I'm going to be very restricted. I know it's not anyone's fault and I need to just suck it up. I have PND which is almost certainly contributing to how fed up I'm feeling about this. I'm supposed to be having weekly sessions with a therapist but won't be able to see him for two weeks now.

Has anyone else's DH been given the same advice about picking up young DC following a Vasectomy? AIBU to think that this advice isn't realistic for many parents and to wonder why, since DH has been told he will be able to resume all his other normal activities in a few days, picking DS up in particular would be so detrimental to his recovery?

OP posts:
daisypond · 10/08/2019 18:34

Why didn’t you ask what the reason was? Seems odd to me too.

Kelsoooo · 10/08/2019 18:38

My husband definitely wasn't given that advice .... I'd call and check.

SignedUpJust4This · 10/08/2019 18:43

My DH just had his about 3 weeks ago an dour kids are exact same age as yours. Weird. He was advised not to lift anything heavier than a laptop for 2 weeks but he was lugging a fridge around after about 4 days. He just had to take it really easy and not strain himself with any heavy lifting.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/08/2019 18:43

I've no idea what advice dh was given, but I know he had his op On a Friday afternoon, drove home after it, laid on the sofa all weekend with some frozen peas over his boxers, and went to work as normal on Monday. So, I can't imagine they said he couldn't lift anything.

elliejjtiny · 10/08/2019 18:49

I had a 9 month old when dh had his vasectomy too. He was told not to lift the baby for 2 weeks too but he was also off work and not able to drive for that time as well. He was on bed rest for 48 hours. I had PND and 3 other children under 8. I found it really frustrating, especially as after a c-section I had a lot less restrictions and was expected to get up and get on with it more.

daisypond · 10/08/2019 18:55

Online the advice seems to be not to lift anything heavier than 10 pounds.

Cyrusc · 10/08/2019 18:55

If your husband feels fine then just ignore the advice and get on with it? Medical advice always errs on the side of caution because it has to. Can you imagine such advice given to a mum after major surgery such as a c-section? Nope. He needs to crack on.

Aridane · 10/08/2019 18:56

Avoid sport and heavy lifting for at least a week - NHS

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/vasectomy-male-sterilisation/

Billballbaggins · 10/08/2019 18:57

Sounds slightly ridiculous given that Mums are often picking up their babies within hours and their older children within days of having c-sections or their vaginal tears sewn back up.

Aridane · 10/08/2019 18:57

Glad I’m not Cyrusc’s DH (or Doctor)!!

isabellerossignol · 10/08/2019 18:58

Mine wasn't given that advice either. And tbh I'd be Hmm if he was considering that a few hours post c section, being denied pain relief and in agony, I was being told that no one would help me with my baby because it was important to do things for myself. As are most women.

Aridane · 10/08/2019 19:00

daisypond - yes, the 10lb thing is what I’be seen too

thatsnotmytractor · 10/08/2019 19:06

Thank you all for your replies.

Those of you who've mentioned how this contrasts with expectations placed on women who've just given birth, you make a good point. Thinking about it now, DS 's birth was very traumatic, I tore badly and DH was chucked out pretty much straight away as it was too late for visiting. I remember feeling completely overwhelmed having to care for DS alone being in so much pain and trying to get my head around how awful the birth had been. Maybe that's contributed to me finding this whole thing so frustrating.

OP posts:
Nomoremilk · 10/08/2019 19:08

They might have advised that but I think he will have to just get on with it. They probably advised that after my c section I couldn't lift but I had twins and a 2 year old and a husband at work so had to just deal with it.

daisypond · 10/08/2019 19:09

Yes, belittling and negating women’s pain.

slipperywhensparticus · 10/08/2019 19:09

My ex mil told me her son couldnt do anything at all after his vasectomy not even go to the loo I told her to take him to her house then he wasnt pissing in a bottle and expecting me to deal with it especially as I was over 30 weeks pregnant his stepdad stepped in and said no he has to take it easy for a day or two he isnt an invalid! He will be fine Wink

I think you just need to crack on with life and dont forget the budgie smugglers for support

thatsnotmytractor · 10/08/2019 19:10

Why didn’t you ask what the reason was?

I know, this was stupid of me really but I suppose in the moment I was too busy thinking "shit, what am I going to do about work? I'm going to have to cancel my therapy" etc and then the conversation moved on and they wanted us out fairly quickly as there was a waiting room full of people and they were running behind. It wasn't until we got home that I thought about it properly.

OP posts:
TeaKettleBell · 10/08/2019 19:10

I suggest you read this book OP
www.goodreads.com/book/show/41104077-invisible-women
There’s a great section about how women typically do not recover from major surgery as quickly as men as they can never get complete rest due to caring duties.

thatsnotmytractor · 10/08/2019 19:11

TeaKettle that looks really interesting, thank you.

OP posts:
HuntIdeas · 10/08/2019 19:20

Everyone I know who has had a c-section (across multiple hospitals) has been told not to lift anything heavier than their newborn (ie anything over 10pounds) for 6 weeks. Is this not general advice?

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 10/08/2019 19:26

Can you imagine such advice given to a mum after major surgery such as a c-section? Nope. He needs to crack on.

That's exactly the advice they give you after a c-section, nothing heavier than the baby they just cut out of you for six whole weeks. No hoovering, no pushing the pram/trolley etc. They definitely err on the side of caution but I think recovery will vary from person to person so much.

Dh is currently waiting for hernia surgery and has been told he won't be able to lift anything for at least 6 weeks and to limit all exercise for that period too.

lyralalala · 10/08/2019 19:26

I was certainly told after birth of my twins not to lift anything heavier than a newborn. I was specifically told not to lift them at the same time. The MW said she knew I'd probably ignore it, but lifting heavy things after surgery isn't advisable.

movingontosomethingnew · 10/08/2019 19:30

@HuntIdeas I couldn't follow that advice as my dd was 11lb 4 at birth. I didn't lift her car seat but lifted her.

Your husband knows what he can and can't do op so maybe not lift the baby for a few days, at least, and see how he feels mid week.

hopefulhalf · 10/08/2019 19:31

Sorry OP but make perfect sense to me. All 9 month olds will be heavier than 10lbs and wiggly with it. Can't you get someone else to mind the baby ?

hopefulhalf · 10/08/2019 19:32

www.sitters.co.uk/

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