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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this advice is unrealistic? Vasectomy related

68 replies

thatsnotmytractor · 10/08/2019 18:32

DH had a vasectomy yesterday. All went well, he's a bit sore but no problems so far. Walking normally, managing fine with paracetamol etc. For context, we have a 4yo and a 9 mo.

Before we left the clinic we were told by the Nurse that, as well as all the aftercare advice we had been expecting based on our research, DH must not pick up our 9 month old DS at all for two weeks.
I was surprised by this as she had just said he should be fine to drive, go back to work and basically resume all his usual activities in 2-3 days. I assumed I had misheard her at first but she confirmed it was 2 weeks, not days.

So if he can't pick him up that basically means DH can't be left alone with the baby for any significant length of time for two whole weeks. We've no family support other than my parents, who are on holiday for the next two weeks. So in order to follow the Nurses advice I've had to cancel a medical appointment on Monday (which I've been told cannot be rescheduled for several weeks) and will also have to cancel a couple of meetings that have been planned for weeks as I can't leave the house without DS in tow.

DS is currently teething so he's pretty clingy and miserable at the moment, constantly wanting to be held and waking several times a night. We've had nights recently where he's woken up every 30 mins- 1 hour and is always up for the day at around 5am. I know I'm BU to be making this about me when DH has just had an op but the thought of all the night wakings being down to me to deal with, plus not being able to go anywhere alone for the next couple of weeks is pretty grim. I'm sure I'd feel differently if DH was properly laid up and on bed rest or something, but he's going to be back at work, socialising with friends, doing everything he normally does except look after DS while I'm going to be very restricted. I know it's not anyone's fault and I need to just suck it up. I have PND which is almost certainly contributing to how fed up I'm feeling about this. I'm supposed to be having weekly sessions with a therapist but won't be able to see him for two weeks now.

Has anyone else's DH been given the same advice about picking up young DC following a Vasectomy? AIBU to think that this advice isn't realistic for many parents and to wonder why, since DH has been told he will be able to resume all his other normal activities in a few days, picking DS up in particular would be so detrimental to his recovery?

OP posts:

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 11/08/2019 00:51

Thing is, csection recovery advice is totally unrealistic... "the advice they give you after a c-section, nothing heavier than the baby they just cut out of you for six whole weeks"...

Totally agree. I was very lucky in that I've had two very easy pain free recoveries from 2 emergency sections where I didn't need any help including the first day in hospital and was back happily walking 3 miles pushing a pram by week 2 but I know I'm an outlier. I must admit I couldn't help rolling my eyes when dh came home with a list of things he isn't meant to do post hernia op. It involves getting a lot more support and help than I was expected to have.

Would he be okay in a pushchair and your dh taking him for a gentle walk during your therapy sessions? If he's okay to drive, pushing a pushchair should be okay I would have thought. Or, a bit boring for your ds but couldn't your dh just take him for a drive somewhere.

duckling84 · 11/08/2019 00:57

I had a job interview the day after DH's vasectomy so within 24hrs he was left to do the school run with a 4 and 7 year old and care for a 5.5month old all on his own for 5hrs. He managed (although he was suffering by the time I got back but hey, I got the job so it was all worth it). I'm sure your Dh will manage too so definitely try to uncancel that medical appointment if you can.

Jamiefraserskilt · 11/08/2019 01:25

For a therapy session duration, surely he can play on the floor with him and keep him occupied for an hour without lifting him? Even if he uses a DVD to keep him occupied for part of it?

Lou898 · 11/08/2019 01:27

I’m not sure how much lifting would need to be done in the short time you would need to go to a medical appointment or meeting. Everything I can think of could be adapted to avoid lifting. At 9 months they can support themselves to a great extent so I think it’s possible to care for them without lifting them. Might be slightly out of the norm but doable.

Redyoyo · 11/08/2019 01:40

My dh had his in friday he was told you know your body so do what you feel comfortable with. Today he has hoovered our stairs im our 4 storey house, put up a gazebo and hosted about 16 folk at a party in our house, lifting a child os nothing in comparison. I would note that dh had his under GA, as it wasnt that straight forward.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 11/08/2019 02:51

I suspect that the vasectomy advice has been formulated by men

There's no way that a woman undergoing a similar procedure would be told that.

lyralalala · 11/08/2019 03:03

There's no way that a woman undergoing a similar procedure would be told that.

If they have decent health cate professionals they will.

I was told similar after having a small breast lump removed. It’s standard advice after surgery

nokidshere · 11/08/2019 03:27

There's no way that a woman undergoing a similar procedure would be told that.

All 5 of my sisters have undergone hysterectomies in the past few months. All,have been told to lift nothing heavier than a kettle for a minimum of 2 weeks or longer. I was given the same advice after both of my cesarians. It's standard advice after an op.

The problem is that women are martyrs. This thread highlights the "I had quads yesterday but was home taking my other 10 children to school and making dinner for us all the next day" mentality.

If he's been told not to lift then he shouldn't lift. As should anyone else having surgeries. The recovery is quicker if you heed advice but I am more amazed that you didn't know the answers to your questions before you went ahead with the op anyway.

Starstruck2020 · 11/08/2019 04:11

He’s had a vasectomy. Not a hernia repair. I’m sure he’ll be fine to lift the baby. Maybe the nurse got confused about what procedure he’d had??

Ring and query the post op information because if she is giving incorrect advice they need to know

isabellerossignol · 11/08/2019 05:24

I was given the same advice after both of my cesarians. It's standard advice after an op.

The problem is that women are martyrs

But it's not standard advice if it's not being given to everyone. I was told to get on with things after a c section, and another poster on the thread says she was told the same. I doubt if we're the only women to have been told that. I was told that rest delayed recovery and the best thing I could do for a quick recovery was to get up and get on with things. I've never felt such pain and all I was allowed was a couple of paracetamol. It wasn't martyrdom that made me try to struggle on; I was following the advice that I was given. And I had two emcs a few years apart and was given the same advice both times, so it wasn't just one rogue member of staff.

Conversely I had another much smaller operation between the c sections and was put on a morphine drip for the (minimal) pain, and sent off home with advice to rest.

slipperywhensparticus · 11/08/2019 08:32

There are no stitches to rip it's a minor procedure yes follow the advice of the nurse buy why are people making out it's more complicated than it really is? They just leave a small hole open to heal up they dont stitch or clip the inside tubes they cut and seal them and they hang lose after 🤷‍♀️

Cyrusc · 11/08/2019 11:24

Yes but a c-section/hysterectomy is MAJOR surgery. A vasectomy is fairly minor.

So if a woman who has her abdomen sliced and sewn is able (expected) to lift a 10lb baby, shouldn't a man who has had a minimally invasive procedure be capable of lifting something a few pounds heavier? I can't remember what my DC weighed at 9 months but it was definitely a good bit less than 20lbs.

Probably neither should be lifting, but it's the usual undermining of women's health which means we are expected to "get on with it" while the poor men-babies rest up and are mollycoddled.

lyralalala · 11/08/2019 14:57

The fact that women get shit care/advice after childbirth isn't a reason to start insisting that men get equally shit care. It's a reason to kick off at giving people abdominal surgery and sendng them home with 2 paracetamol.

MatildaTheCat · 11/08/2019 15:09

Chronic pain following vasectomy is quite a common complication so adhering to the advice would make sense.

However, in an emergency or for a short period surely your DH could stay at floor level with the baby. If he absolutely had to pick the baby up he could do in stages moving from floor to sofa etc. And carrying the baby in a sling and supporting the baby from below with his Hans would place him under far less pressure that picking him up away from his body.

Sometimes you have to adapt to a situation. It’s a very short time.

isabellerossignol · 11/08/2019 15:28

I'm slightly at the supposed high incidence of ongoing pain after vasectomies, considering that as a woman you can go to the doctor and say you have ongoing gynae pain, or indeed ongoing pain after a c section (13 years and counting in my case) and you will almost certainly be told that it's simply not possible.

I strongly suspect that the men who report constant chronic pain are often the same man babies who have to take to a darkened room at the slightest hint of a sniffle. All the men I know who are generally pretty decent, share the parenting workload men got through their vasectomies with a couple of painkillers and a day off work. All the men babies had to lie on the sofa for weeks and no one could possibly understand their pain.

I know anecdote is not data, and presumably there are men who have complications (as there are with any medical procedures) but overall it's a fairly minor procedure. That's why the medical profession is so keen on it.

Aridane · 11/08/2019 15:34

What an unpleasant post by isabelle

isabellerossignol · 11/08/2019 15:41

Unpleasant how? Women are regularly told that they can't possibly be in pain. I'm not saying no man has ever experienced pain after a vasectomy, but I'm fairly certain that what is considered to be an acceptable level of discomfort is very different for men and women.

Knitclubchatter · 11/08/2019 15:46

It’s not a race to the bottom or a completion as to who’s baby weighed the most.
Post op recommendations are available online for everyone.
I have back issues and don’t lift the kids, it’s perfectly manageable to do so for short periods.
It’s not an unrealistic post op expectation.

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