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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this advice is unrealistic? Vasectomy related

68 replies

thatsnotmytractor · 10/08/2019 18:32

DH had a vasectomy yesterday. All went well, he's a bit sore but no problems so far. Walking normally, managing fine with paracetamol etc. For context, we have a 4yo and a 9 mo.

Before we left the clinic we were told by the Nurse that, as well as all the aftercare advice we had been expecting based on our research, DH must not pick up our 9 month old DS at all for two weeks.
I was surprised by this as she had just said he should be fine to drive, go back to work and basically resume all his usual activities in 2-3 days. I assumed I had misheard her at first but she confirmed it was 2 weeks, not days.

So if he can't pick him up that basically means DH can't be left alone with the baby for any significant length of time for two whole weeks. We've no family support other than my parents, who are on holiday for the next two weeks. So in order to follow the Nurses advice I've had to cancel a medical appointment on Monday (which I've been told cannot be rescheduled for several weeks) and will also have to cancel a couple of meetings that have been planned for weeks as I can't leave the house without DS in tow.

DS is currently teething so he's pretty clingy and miserable at the moment, constantly wanting to be held and waking several times a night. We've had nights recently where he's woken up every 30 mins- 1 hour and is always up for the day at around 5am. I know I'm BU to be making this about me when DH has just had an op but the thought of all the night wakings being down to me to deal with, plus not being able to go anywhere alone for the next couple of weeks is pretty grim. I'm sure I'd feel differently if DH was properly laid up and on bed rest or something, but he's going to be back at work, socialising with friends, doing everything he normally does except look after DS while I'm going to be very restricted. I know it's not anyone's fault and I need to just suck it up. I have PND which is almost certainly contributing to how fed up I'm feeling about this. I'm supposed to be having weekly sessions with a therapist but won't be able to see him for two weeks now.

Has anyone else's DH been given the same advice about picking up young DC following a Vasectomy? AIBU to think that this advice isn't realistic for many parents and to wonder why, since DH has been told he will be able to resume all his other normal activities in a few days, picking DS up in particular would be so detrimental to his recovery?

OP posts:
Tojigornot · 10/08/2019 19:34

A 9-month-old is considerably heavier than a newborn; the two situations are not comparable.

TeacupDrama · 10/08/2019 19:39

I was definitely told after Caesarean not to lift anything heavier than baby she was 5lb, they specifically mentioned no carrying her in the car seat hoovering I didn't do anything as DH did all the lifting, and drivinglifting can damage healing internally, just because some feel they have no choice but to ignore the advice doesn't make the advice wrong, it is a shame so many women don't heal Properly after caesareans because of the pressure put on them either by being alone or a refusal to accept help. I don't think any of this means that OP's partner should ignore advise it is 2weeks, abdominal surgery like a Caesarean is 6 weeks no lifting

KnifeAngel · 10/08/2019 19:43

Ridiculous. My Dad had his in his lunch hour of his manual job involving heavy lifting.

My DH had his on a Friday and was back to his manual job on the Monday.

isabellerossignol · 10/08/2019 19:56

That's exactly the advice they give you after a c-section, nothing heavier than the baby they just cut out of you for six whole weeks. No hoovering, no pushing the pram/trolley etc.

That's the opposite of what I was told. With the exception of driving, I was told to stop being a baby myself and get on with things.

bonbonours · 10/08/2019 20:00

A 9 month old is not comparable to a newborn but equally a c-section is major surgery with a huge incision compared to vasectomy which is tiny and can be done with a local anaesthetic.

Billballbaggins · 10/08/2019 20:01

That's the opposite of what I was told. With the exception of driving, I was told to stop being a baby myself and get on with things.

This!

ChicCroissant · 10/08/2019 20:05

Two weeks doesn't seem that long a time to me, OP - time will pass quickly. Can you not take the baby to your appointments in a car seat?

I'm not sure of the exact reason but I expect it to be down to internal stitches or something along those lines.

ArnoldBee · 10/08/2019 20:06

I'm sure he is perfectly capable of being left with your 9 month old. Lifting a 9 month old and caring for them are 2 completely different things. He just needs to adjust the way he does things. There are disabled parents out there that manage this every day.

NerrSnerr · 10/08/2019 20:09

I was definitely told not to lift anything heavier than my babies after my c sections. Another mum nearly dived across the road 2 weeks after my second C section when she saw me about to lift my 2 year old off a high wall 😂

Confrontayshunme · 10/08/2019 20:10

My DH went on a bike ride a week after and back to work the Monday and op was Friday. They haven't changed the advice since my FIL had his, but the op is MUCH less invasive than even 10-15 years ago. Our GP did it.

slipperywhensparticus · 10/08/2019 20:14

There are no internal stitches? It's an electric knife thingy they cut them seal the ends with heat and done? No stitches no nothing?

Itsonlytuesdayqwer · 10/08/2019 20:19

@thatsnotmytractor my DH had the no scalpel vasectomy a few months ago and didn’t really heed the advice given of no heavy lifting for a week. He felt absolutely fine after it and apart from a slight bit fo blood thought that he could just go on as normal.

He did no heavy lifting for about 2/3 days however then decided to Chuck the advice out of the window and lifted some really heavy items to his car and then to work on a few occasions.

Couple days later, raging temperature, fever, sickness really poorly. Had to take a couple of days off work as he was that bad.

So for the sake of no heavy lifting it is deffo worth it!!

TremblingFanjo · 10/08/2019 20:20

DH walked home after his on the Saturday morning and was back at work on the Monday morning. He didn't not pick the kids up over the weekend - it wasn't mentioned.

MsHopey · 10/08/2019 20:22

We've got a 3 month old and a 2 year old. DH had been picking them up within hours of the surgery. Even got knee'd in the crotch a few times.
He definitely wasn't given this advice.

Funguy · 10/08/2019 20:25

I think she was probably thinking of the baby not him. But it's over careful.Just ignore her.

sycamore54321 · 10/08/2019 21:10

OP I get that it isn’t convenient but the advice would be to ensure optimum recovery. Comparison with a section/newborn isn’t really relevant as the weights are hugely diffeeent (although I do absolutely agree that the way women are treated after a section is terrible). My mother had a hysterectomy - not directly comparable or course - and was advised not to lift even a filled kettle afterwards. So it’s not at all unusual or unexpected advice.

I do feel for you however if going through PND. Can you find any solutions that might work for your therapy? A telephone consultation? Bringing the baby in a pushchair? Scheduling your appointment for the baby’s longest nap time to reduce the need for your husband to lift the baby? Pay a neighboring teenager or a pro babysitter to be in the house to do any lifting (as your husband would be there also, you wouldn’t need to be too stringent on who the babysitter is). Ask a friend or ask your husband to ask a friend to call round so you can go out and leave the baby with your husband and the friend?

Of course, it’s not absolutely certain that lifting the baby will definitely cause damage or poor healing. But they know that on the general scale of things, lifting leads to poorer recovery, so the advice is not to lift.

Please don’t see this as insurmountable and remember that your need to recover from PND is important too. Best wishes.

slipperywhensparticus · 10/08/2019 21:37

Itsonlytuesdayqwer that sounds like an infection not something you get by lifting something heavy?

KylieKoKo · 10/08/2019 22:11

Imagine if a man had posted that his wife had had a medical procedure and had been advised not to lift the baby and he thought it was inconvenient.

Original poster
thatsnotmytractor · 10/08/2019 22:39

To answer some questions: No, there's no one else who can look after the baby. All our family and friends are either working or not local. Taking baby with me is not an option, he's very mobile- crawling, cruising, climbing and into absolutely everything. He's not the sort who will sit happily in a pushchair for an hour while I have a therapy session and it definitely wouldn't go down well if I took him to a work meeting! I don't feel comfortable hiring a stranger to babysit- that's absolutely no disrespect to those that do, I wish I could, but a lot of my PND related anxiety centres around thoughts of him being unsafe or being harmed in some way so I'm just not in a place where I could deal with that. It's difficult enough for me to leave him with my parents and I trust them completely.
Someone suggested that DH could look after DS and just not pick him up. Maybe that would have been feasible before he was mobile but not anymore! He's a climber and very mischievous so has to be saved from himself frequently! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
thatsnotmytractor · 10/08/2019 22:45

Kylie I don't think that's fair. It is inconvenient, that's the reality of the situation, but that doesn't mean I'm putting convenience over my DH's wellbeing. I haven't said I intend to disregard the advice or encourage him to do the same. I'm forgoing my own treatment and cancelling work commitments so that he can follow the Nurse's advice so please don't make out I'm being dismissive when I'm not. I just wanted to canvass opinion because it seemed quite extreme and wasn't something that we had seen mentioned in anything we've read about the procedure or that any friends/family who've had it done have mentioned. Several posters have confirmed that their DP's were not given the same advice so clearly I was right to think the Nurse was erring on the side of caution but nevertheless we will follow the advice given.

OP posts:
hopefulhalf · 10/08/2019 22:46

But OP your Dh would be there too so baby wouldn't be "left" with a stranger. I have no idea how any one can care for an active 9m old without picking them up, that just sounds totally impractical ditto 2 year old tbh. It does sound like the timing (with your parents away) is unfortunate but I am very surprised you both work yet you have no paid child care at all, how do you normally manage ? I think it just is what it is and you need to muddle through. At the end of the day it is one therapy session, personally I'd be more cpncerned about the bussiness meeting.

PlutocratCow · 10/08/2019 23:07

Thing is, csection recovery advice is totally unrealistic... "the advice they give you after a c-section, nothing heavier than the baby they just cut out of you for six whole weeks"...

When I was in, they wanted me moving once I got feeling back in my legs, if I wanted water I had to walk to the drink station myself! Thank fuck another (non csection) lady in the next bed helped me that first night. I also had to carry baby plus carseat down two flights of stairs because the nearest lift was out of order and DH had gone to get the car, couldn't manage the walk to the alt lift further along.
Completely unable to rest and recuperate basically, while operating on about 3hrs of sleep in the first three days (to the point I started hallucinating and "blanking" out in micro sleeps while in conversations!).

RainbowAlicorn · 10/08/2019 23:36

My DH had one about 2 months ago, I kept the kids away from him for the first 3 days, but by day 4 he was picking our DS up who is 1.5.

RainbowAlicorn · 10/08/2019 23:37

I should add he was back to work by day 5, he was just told not to have a bath or go swimming for 2 weeks.

TriciaH87 · 10/08/2019 23:55

He could dislodge a stitch tearing the wound open and that could cause him to suffer a heamorage. I had a minor procedure and could not lift for 8 weeks for that reason

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