Pressure to have children when I’m pretty sure I don’t want them

[C1239]

Hi,

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this in their 30s?

I am mid 30s, live with my partner of 5 years and am stepmum to his two boys 6 and 8 who we have regularly.

I have never felt like I wanted ‘biological’ children, growing up I never imagined having children but thought they would be in my life somehow but didn’t get as far as thinking how! I enjoy being an auntie/stepmum figure in that I can give children my time when I see them knowing I will have my own time after for the next few days. I enjoy the balance I have in my life , I think children are such a big commitment you really should want it and be sure. My partner is happy not having anymore children.

However as I’ve approached my mid 30s comments socially and even from my parents can become a bit overwhelming . It seems a lot of people still think the ‘norm’ is you get married have children and if you don’t follow that you will definitely regret it and are not normal.

I just wanted to get it off my chest really, just think it’s unfair in 2019 that there is still this pressure of women?!

Yes, this is normal and very depressing. I had it all through my 30s. It's best not to get into a discussion with these people, just make vague, noncommittal noises and then change the subject. It stops once you get into your 40s, thank goodness.

Maybe some people assume that one day you’ll regret not having had children; maybe they are just a bit intrusive / interfering. Live the life you want.

And yes it does stop in your 49s

*40s

Pressure on men too I expect. You’ll just have to keep saying you’ve decided not to have children on repeat!
I’m a widow and I often get asked about dating - am I, do I want to, I should do this that and the other to meet someone... no ones business but people always seem to think they can talk about my love life and tell me what I should be doing no matter what I say.

I had this from around 27 until 34, it was really annoying! I’m now pregnant, it was the only way to make them stop 😉 seriously it’s shit, life without children is a valid choice.

Glad to hear it’s not just me and nice to know it does stop eventually!! It’s horrible having people question your decisions and to constantly tell you that you will regret it!

Yes! I'm in my 60s, and had hoped that things would have changed by now.

I never wanted children of my own, have no idea what it's like to feel "broody", the thought of having a baby grow inside me makes me feel a bit sick and the prospect of squeezing a baby out through my vagina or, even worse, having a c-section, terrifies me.

In my 20s and 30s, people seemed to find this difficult to accept. Friends and colleagues who were parents were adamant that I'd feel differently one day, boyfriends thought I must surely want to have one with them (including one who was going to try and get his vasectomy reversed: I told him not to bother, his vasectomy was what attracted me to him) and my mother was concerned I'd have a lonely old age if I didn't have kids.

What is it about an unused uterus that makes people so judgmental?

But you have children! That they're biologically not yours is neither here nor there. It's shit that the expectation to have children is still around but you're perfectly entitled to live your life how you want to - not how others want you to

I know @MissYeti! If anything because I enjoy being a stepmum some people think it’s even worse / crazy that I don’t biologically want my ‘own’!

Sounds like a good setup if you ask be! You probably have more experience of what kids actually entail than most people (me included) before they have them.

I think it's weird in some ways to WANT kids (and I have two), they demand so so much of your time.

Thank you for all your responses, I felt silly writing it on a sort of mums platform but I think lots of different people use this site don’t they and I just wanted to get it off my chest, it’s been starting to get to me a bit!

Fuck other people's opinions - they're not you, they don't know your family, your situation, you're frame of mind. You can only ever do what feels right to you at the time.

Why haven't you told your parents to wind their necks in and keep quiet? I would be going very very low contact if they don't. That type of interfering is totally unacceptable.

Good for you. Maybe start preaching about climate change long and hard every time you're asked and they'll get bored enough to stop trying to force their lifestyle choices on you.

I still get asked if we're having another one.

We have two, our youngest is 7! He's had a fucking vasectomy...not sure how clearer we could make it.

So I get you.

I also wanted to say, I really liked how you wrote about your step children. It was lovely.

I'd remind people that nobody knows what tomorrow brings and at any time, you could become full time parents to 2 children. Plus, with life as expensive as it is, 3+ supportive and loving adults behind these 2 boys is not to be sniffed at.

I know a guy (mid 20s) who is an only child to 4 parents. None particularly rich but they all ploughed everything into him meaning he's had a really good start in life. Not just financially but emotionally, everything really. Just a really consistent and comfortable childhood with 4 people who loved the bones of him from a really early age. 3 women, one guy.

Thank you all for your support! Your messages have really cheered me up!! The amount of comments I’ve received recently even down to you must like children because you like your step children or your regret it when you are too old and your stepchildren aren’t like having your own children ... people can be so strong in their comments!! Makes me feel mad for just being happy lol!

I hear you C1239. I'm approaching my late 30s and I still get these comments.

Generally they are annoying, but sometimes people say really aggressive things, so can be upsetting. The one I find most upsetting is when people think you're weird for not wanting children, like you're not 'normal'.

Best thing to do is ignore.

Even when you have one child the questions continue. We have a thirteen year old only child. For the last 11 years I've been being asked constantly if I'm going to give them a little brother or sister. Every time i'm ill somebody thinks I'm pregnant. We met one of the worst offenders when looking around a private secondary school. She told me that she was surprised to see me there as she had always assumed that I wasn't the type to make personal sacrifices for my child as I hadn't wanted to give them a sibling. I'll be 40 in a couple of years and am hoping it'll stop then...

Another one approaching late 30s and I'm pretty sure I don't want children. The thought of being responsible for another human being for the rest of my life terrifies me. It seems like such monotonous hard work but I get the funny looks when I tell others I don't want kids. Or that I 'haven't met the right person'. Like I'm going against the norm. Very annoying.

"No, I don't think that's part of the plan. Anyhoo... what have YOU been doing with YOUR genitals recently? Oh, I'm sorry... I thought that was what you wanted to chat about..."

She told me that she was surprised to see me there as she had always assumed that I wasn't the type to make personal sacrifices for my child as I hadn't wanted to give them a sibling.

ugh ugh ugh I can't believe someone actually said that. what a monumental twat.

I think
Everyone who has had children knows full well how draining and exhausting and expensive it is...it came as a shock to all of us ..
So we don’t want to see someone going without the pleasure of children themselves..

Fwiw if you did get pregnant the same people would spend the rest of your life telling you how you were parenting wrong.