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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pressure to have children when I’m pretty sure I don’t want them

57 replies

C1239 · 10/08/2019 17:55

Hi,

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this in their 30s?

I am mid 30s, live with my partner of 5 years and am stepmum to his two boys 6 and 8 who we have regularly.

I have never felt like I wanted ‘biological’ children, growing up I never imagined having children but thought they would be in my life somehow but didn’t get as far as thinking how! I enjoy being an auntie/stepmum figure in that I can give children my time when I see them knowing I will have my own time after for the next few days. I enjoy the balance I have in my life , I think children are such a big commitment you really should want it and be sure. My partner is happy not having anymore children.

However as I’ve approached my mid 30s comments socially and even from my parents can become a bit overwhelming . It seems a lot of people still think the ‘norm’ is you get married have children and if you don’t follow that you will definitely regret it and are not normal.

I just wanted to get it off my chest really, just think it’s unfair in 2019 that there is still this pressure of women?!

OP posts:

HeadintheiClouds · 10/08/2019 19:10

Are people really that interested in whether others have children or not? I’ve only ever heard this on here, never in real life.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 10/08/2019 19:14

Counting down until somebody asks why people are on Mumsnet if they don’t want to have kids.

Original poster

C1239 · 10/08/2019 19:28

Unfortunately so @HeadintheiClouds Between being ages 33-35 I’ve heard it lots. I’m surprised it’s still thought of as unusual in this day an age.

OP posts:

KylieKoKo · 10/08/2019 19:35

OP I know exactly how you feel.Some people dont seem to be able to compute the fact that I can care about dps children but not want to have one myself. A lady who I was friends with kept insinuating that I must hate them. I distanced myself from her as she referred them as "baggage" and "an inconvenience" repeatedly in the hopes that I would agree with her.

BruceAndNosh · 10/08/2019 19:42

There's also the assumption that if you did want children, you would be able to become pregnant

ToLiveInPeace · 10/08/2019 19:43

Yes, these questions happen but yep, at 41 I'm far enough over the hill that they've stopped.

I once resorted to explaining to a friend's husband that my polycystic ovaries might cause difficulties with conceiving even if I was so inclined. He never raised the subject again.

missmouse101 · 10/08/2019 19:46

Op, I think you're excellent and I admire you. It is indeed the perfect setup. People are so unbelievably nosy and rude.

Funnyface1 · 10/08/2019 20:04

People just assume. They assume you will definitely want children if you are a woman. They assume after the first one you'll want another. They assume if you've got a boy then you'll want a girl next so it's "one of each". Then if you have one of each you definitely won't want a third because why would you?

Don't let other people bother you, do what suits you.

RedPanda2 · 10/08/2019 20:10

And if you say you don't want children, people immediately think it's because you hate children. No, i like children i just don't want any. Weirdly, a lot of parents say 'I don't like other people's children' and apparently this is totally acceptable

TanyaChix · 10/08/2019 20:19

People project their own values onto others. If someone else had children largely because they were scared of being old and lonely, or worried they’d miss out, or to please their family, or just because they felt an overwhelming urge to, it’s totally irrelevant to you. Why people think they can persuade or guilt trip someone else to have a child they don’t want is beyond me.

Underworld345 · 10/08/2019 20:29

It’s not I think it’s expected that woman should have kids, stay at home etc. I found it hard to believe that women didn’t want kids and how can they feel completely satisfied in life. I guess it was just because I have always been very maternal and knew my life would feel empty without kids. It hard to sometimes open your mind and think that some women don’t want kids but I know it is completely normal and becoming much more common! We need to (me included) stop being so closed minded and accept that some women don’t need kids to feel complete.

Phineyj · 10/08/2019 20:31

I would treat this as a helpful way of distinguishing between friends and family who get it and those who don't. When I suffered infertility for years (I have one DC now and that's my lot) I started to prioritise spending time with people who either didn't have/want DC or who could take a hint and actually it was good as I began to really appreciate some of the people in my life and also think about what made life meaningful for different people.

Basically, banging on about this sort of thing when you've been told to drop it is jolly rude! YANBU.

AGenericUsername · 10/08/2019 20:33

This really annoys me. We had trouble TTC and we got this a lot but didn't feel comfortable telling people our business. MIL was the worst for it! Now we have one we are getting people asking us "when are you having another?" when we tell them we're not having anymore they love telling us "we have to give DD a sibling." No we don't! We don't want anymore so no we don't have to do anything! Then they say "I've heard that before! You'll change your mind!" It's so infuriating. You know your own mind and you know your own body. It's a huge decision to have a child because it alters your life and your body. Having children isn't right for everyone and not every woman is maternal. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

MIL doesn't know that I'm being sterilised yet. We're going to tell her the next time she bring up having more children after I've had it done. That should shut her up!

Herbalteahippie · 10/08/2019 20:39

YANBU I get this a lot- I just reply with ‘when did you last have sex? Does that question make you uncomfortable? Good.’

SamBeckett · 10/08/2019 20:50

@Pipandmum
I am in the same boat as you , I get so fed up of been asked if I plan to marry again , not date but MARRY , yeah sure I will just hover near the register office and grab the first person that passes !
My close family know that even when I was married there would be no chance of kids I have not got a maternal bone in my body.

A few weeks ago I was walking to a new site the company I work for has just taken over , I was with my boss ( a nice person but a boss never a friend ) and someone I knew approached and said
"oh its so nice to see you going out with someone , its about time you got a seeing too "
I was gob smacked , who says that kind of thing in front of a complete stranger , I explained as briefly as I could that this was my boss and that they should apologise , she just winked and said "well you never know " and walked off .
A uncomfortable silence followed between myself and my boss for the rest of the walk .

SamBeckett · 10/08/2019 20:56

@Scruffalicious
No, I don't think that's part of the plan. Anyhoo... what have YOU been doing with YOUR genitals recently? Oh, I'm sorry... I thought that was what you wanted to chat about..."
That made me laugh , I will repeat that the next time anyone has the temerity to ask me

EmpressLesbianInChair · 10/08/2019 20:59

I found it hard to believe that women didn’t want kids and how can they feel completely satisfied in life.

That’s really interesting. I can see on an intellectual level that a lot of women really want to have kids & love motherhood, and I’m glad for them, but I’m not maternal in any way, shape or form & it’s never made sense to me - though this is very much just my perspective. I don’t feel attracted to the ‘Insta moments’ any more than I do to nappy changing, homework supervising etc.

Scruffalicious · 10/08/2019 21:13

SamBeckett Please do and report back!

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 10/08/2019 21:23

@adognamedhog I also have one DC and thought I'd heard all the comments, but that one really takes the what a total and utter bitch she was! I'm never violent but I'd have been tempted to sock her one for that!

Original poster

C1239 · 10/08/2019 21:36

It’s great to hear everyone’s thoughts! I have never really been maternal, spent plenty of time with friends who have had children and their children over the last few years and have seen how hard it has been for them, and lovely times of course too, but a lot of hard work.

Being involved with my stepchildren the last few years I’m quite surprised to how I’ve adapted to it and grown to enjoy it (there have been many hard moments!!) and I am quite a caring person it seems lol but I just feel I don’t necessarily want it 24/7! Obviously I’m aware situations can always change and if we had my stepchildren permanently I would hope to adapt to that and do the best I could for them but I just feel it’s a massive decision to have your own biological children even though I’m happy with stepchildren. I just wish it was seen as more of a ‘normal’ decision!! Being an only child I think that contributes to pressure I sometimes feel from my parents on things like this.

OP posts:

ScreamingValenta · 10/08/2019 22:27

It hard to sometimes open your mind and think that some women don’t want kids but I know it is completely normal

Another important thing to be aware of is that there are many different reasons for not wanting children - each childfree woman has her own reasons for the choice, and the reasons aren't always straightforward.

Original poster

C1239 · 15/08/2019 19:58

Yes @ScreamingValenta I think there are probably plenty of different reasons some women don’t want biological children. It’s tricky sometimes when you can be made to feel in the minority but it isn’t such a ‘strange’ decision nowadays is it? I think quite a few women decide not to. I find it strange when people completely dismiss stepchildren and still put pressure on to have your ‘own’.

OP posts:

managedmis · 15/08/2019 20:20

And believe me, the people who ask these questions NEVER offer to babysit. Ever. It's like they want you to have kids, but don't want anything to do with them

SavingSpaces2019 · 15/08/2019 22:29

39 and single with no ticking clock....parents still trying to get me married off - apparently i'm "going against god's will"

GibbonLover · 16/08/2019 01:53

Childfree by choice here although PID meant I had to have both tubes removed three years ago. Some people can't seem to understand that I am not completely devastated by this. Even the doctor who told me I'd need the salpingectomy looked confused as hell when I told her I was completely fine with having this done.

I've never bought into this 'biological urge' thing. If it really was biological, how come so many women simply don't want children? And why are some women attracted to other women rather than men who they can procreate with?

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