Pressure to have children when I’m pretty sure I don’t want them

[C1239]

Hi,

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this in their 30s?

I am mid 30s, live with my partner of 5 years and am stepmum to his two boys 6 and 8 who we have regularly.

I have never felt like I wanted ‘biological’ children, growing up I never imagined having children but thought they would be in my life somehow but didn’t get as far as thinking how! I enjoy being an auntie/stepmum figure in that I can give children my time when I see them knowing I will have my own time after for the next few days. I enjoy the balance I have in my life , I think children are such a big commitment you really should want it and be sure. My partner is happy not having anymore children.

However as I’ve approached my mid 30s comments socially and even from my parents can become a bit overwhelming . It seems a lot of people still think the ‘norm’ is you get married have children and if you don’t follow that you will definitely regret it and are not normal.

I just wanted to get it off my chest really, just think it’s unfair in 2019 that there is still this pressure of women?!

Lots of my friends have actively chosen not to have kids.

I dont want to have kids, but didn't realise thos until I had 3 🤣

Sometimes the pressure makes them doubt themselves, so I invite them round and they realise that they have made the right choice.

I have always made sure that my kids know that this is a choice too, I dont expect grandkids etc. That isn't my choice. Its theirs.

I think it's because the majority (not all!) of people who have had children think it's the best thing they ever did. I would fall into that category. However I'm not so narrow minded to think that I know best for everyone else. I wanted to have children before I had them. If someone says they don't want them then it's really best to just believe them. You can't ever know how someone else feels about things.

The way I see it is that either society is right and they would have been happier with kids, but they will never discover that because they don't know what they're missing, so how can they? Or society was wrong, and they would not have been happier with kids, in which case thank fuck they didn't have them because the last thing we need is a bunch of desperately unhappy/guilty parents and a bunch of unwanted kids.

Also, and perhaps most importantly, it's really no one else's business. It's horrendously embarrassing that anyone thinks otherwise. Let people do their own thing and stop poking your nose into things that have no effect on you.

Everyone gets asked nosey questions, if you were a parent, you'd still get strangers/ distant relatives/ acquaintances that you've not seen for years asking x, y and z. You can either just nod your head in disinterest or tell them where to stuff it.

@GibbonLover I did get the biological urge, which was definitely stronger than talking myself out of it every month. But I did have a man lined up for the procreation job.

I truly couldn't care less what other people do, I'm not the nosiest of the lot.

I know that some people just have no tact what so ever when it comes to bringing up the subject of having kids. Not everyone woman wants kids due to any number of reasons. I know woman who don't have maternal feeling about having kids. I know woman who really want kids but even with IVF it never happened for them and adoption was not an option for them.
Isn't it better to bring a child into the world that's wanted and not resented by a pair of unhappy parents.
To the lady who posted here who already has 2 stepchildren I think you right not to have a child. You already have step children who are gone past the hard baby/toddler stage. You care for the stepchildren but you like your free time when they are with their mother. Why would you disrupt your life, your DH and the step childrens because some people feel you should have your own child when your already involved with bring up 2 children.

It’s been lovely to hear the comments from some other people who have decided not to have children & supportive comments about me being a stepmum.
Sometimes it can feel isolating & you can start to doubt your decision with the pressure even when it feels really right!

How do you handle comments like that from your parents @SavingSpaces2019 ?!