To be worried that my daughter will get fat if left to her own devices?

[narisha99]

I am worried about DD10 and her love of junk food, white carbs and anything sweet! She is tall for her age, has started puberty and has always been a solid build. She is not overweight but, is very close to becoming overweight and I fear that as she gets older and I naturally have less control over what she eats (ie when a teen and out with friends) that she would easily become overweight.

At the moment I am able to control / limit her food and can push her in the direction of healthy eating and making good choices. BUT she is always pining for the bad choices and given any chance to indulge (ie at a party, buffett restaurant etc when left to her own devices) she heads straight for the less healthy options etc.

My goal is to change her mindset so that she understands and wants to eat healthily through her own choice, not because I said so. But I don't seem to be able to do that!

She also seems to constantly be asking / thinking / wanting food irrespective of what she has actually consumed

I have tried to explain it and educate her but clearly I am not getting it right.

(For context, my older DC has no problem with eating sensibly, healthy and knowing their limits)

Any recommendations for resources that I could use with her? Or ideas on how to approach this?

You are worrying about something far too earlier than you should. She will loose a lot of puppy fat over the next 4 years.

Oh will she now?

Can we also have the lottery numbers while you're at it?

This attitude is partly what causes overweight teens. If so many of them lost the 'puppy fat', 64% of adults wouldn't be overweight or obese.

I must be... Now that I think about it I don’t see many fat students at work, I do however often see extremely thin girls and a good percentage of them have scars from self harming.

I confess I am surprised I had not noticed this earlier.

I also would recommend you always have a full fruit bowl which they can help themselves to. When sitting around studying, watching TV etc. have lots of healthy snacks on hand. Don’t make comments and obsess about “good” and “bad” foods but try and eliminate as much as possible really unhealthy foods around your house. Also, make sure they are well hydrated on water as when we are dehydrated we eat more food to get liquid. Give them all water bottles and encourage them to drink plenty of water all day.

Growing kids need protein to feel full so offer snacks such as yogurt, lean turkey sandwiches (not on white bread), cheese sticks or a handful of nuts.

I have 3 teens and two are girls aged 18 and 16, they both put down a layer of fat and had no waist around the age of 10/11 before hitting puberty so try not to obsess or make them feel bad. They are both now slim, healthy and active. My son is my problem, at 13 he is 5’ 10” and trying to keep him full is a nightmare, he is a very tall beanpole and can inhale food.

Carrying excess weight is a prominent risk factor in the aetiology of eating disorders, from the restricting type (e.g. AN) to binge-eating disorder, the most prevalent diagnosis. There's no evidence that encouraging a sensible, varied, healthy eating pattern and active lifestyle at home puts children at the risk of EDs.

A whole family approach is important i.e. all kids offered the same food (individual preferences accommodated!) and the chance to fill up at meals with protein and veg as well as slower-release carbs, and sensible snacks between meals. If this is what you're already doing, upping family activity levels would also be sensible but try not to worry (I know it's easier said than done).

There's no such thing as a bad food, but there is such thing as a bad eating pattern overall and it sounds like your DD actually eats pretty well at home.

Help her get it right 90% of the time and enjoy food first and foremost, learning to recognise cues of fullness and hunger and stop eating when full. If necessary chat about what it means to feel full - and how sometimes eating slightly more slowly can help us recognise fullness more effectively - but no need to directly discuss weight with her at this age. Discussing weight will NOT cause an eating disorder on its own, but it's relatively unlikely to be helpful either.

I could have written your op this time last year.

I remember cringing at the amount my dd ate at the buffet breakfast on holiday.

She since started secondary school and I'm now worried about her going to the other extreme. She's constantly worrying about her weight and tries telling us she's full after 2 slices of cucumber!

I think I preferred it when she went back for seconds!

It's tricky. Restrict and limit and she will binge in secret. Let her eat what she wants and she literally will. I was fat growing up until early 20s and I think some people just love food too much. I don't know what the answer is.

I have a terrible sweet tooth, always have. My mother would remove anything sweet and assumed that would sort it, but it didn't. I also like carbs. What works for me is accepting that but just making healthier choices about filling those cravings. So I would have sweet potato instead of white potato or a bowl of strawberries instead of chocolate. You have had some great advice already, but I do think sometimes it is about finding a way to work with things someone likes rather than trying to remove them entirely.

There will come a point where you won't have control and then it will be up to her to figure things out. If she eats like that then she will be fat and it will be up to her whether she is happy with that or not. As you say, all you can do is to lay good foundations now knowing long term it will be out of your hands

My food intake was restricted as a child and teen. I was very very skinny. Looking back at old pics, I don’t think I look well.
My parents have an unhealthy obsession with weight and my mum is particular sees it as a loss of self control and therefore it’s seen in a negative light.

Since leaving home and having access to the things I never had, I’ve put on a lot of weight. But I’ve fluctuated up and down ever since. My mum is obsessed with my weight and doesn’t stop going on about it.

I have an extremely unhealthy relationship with food and I do in part, blame my parents. Our portions were always tiny. I’d never had seconds in my life until I went to a friend’s house for tea when I was about 10. It was a revelation to me!
We’d never been to Macdonalds or any other fast food outlet and never had a takeaway (except fish and chips away on holiday in the caravan). So as soon as the opportunity to do so was presented to me, I became addicted as it was something I’d never had before.

Be careful how you approach it, would be my advice, based on experience.

No solutions but my DD has a sweet tooth. She would eat sugary foods all day if allowed and would eat fruit all day if she could.
Sugar is in everything so I do find myself being vigilant. I tell her that too much sugar is bad for your blood as we have T2 diabetes in the family. If she asked for eg an ice lolly whilst out I would say ok you know that means if you have that now you cannot have eg a biscuit later on.

Agree about snacks by the way. Too much snacking these days. I try to be strategic with snacks eg after swimming I know she will be hungry but there are other times when is boredom and I tell her to wait for dinner which is what we were told as kids

I think those of you who fear your DD or DS will get fat when older as you can no longer control what they eat may well be proved right. But that is because by allowing them so little control over what they eat now, and being restrictive. Plus being so anxious over it. You are introducing unhealthy attitudes to food in your children.This is one of the ways eating disorders start.I was very lax over what my DC ate, they are all pretty skinny, and eat healthily - and on the whole don't have a sweet tooth

This is such a typical response from a parent with children who are naturally skinny and self regulate with little input. You think it's you - stop being so smug, it isn't you and your amazing parenting, you are just lucky. Your next child could respond to your "lax" attitude by overeating and ending up overweight, and then you'd have no choice but to control what they eat or watch them balloon to a point that they are on the path to becoming an obese adult

I agree with pjmask. I have one kid who is naturally skinny (trying to gain about 10 pounds) and one who's a bit of a glutton (albeit slightly reformed).

Some kids just don't know when to say when. In a normal, well-adjusted family setup it is not a big deal to tell them they need to change their eating habits.

You are absolutely reasonable to be worried. We live in a culture where kids are snacking 24-7 and can't seem to make it from one meal to the other without shoving high-calorie, low nutrient crap in their mouths. I see it all around me and it's genuinely heartbreaking because these kids are not going to grow into healthy adults.

I appreciate that some people think that not allowing snacking/junk/etc is a way to making a kid rebel and want to get it in secret but people rarely apply the same logical fallacy to other behaviours associated with poor health (smoking, drinking, etc).

Obesity has overtaken smoking as the number one cause of some cancers. It is not a joke.

In truth, it's not about making things "forbidden" and "restrictive", but about educating her and fostering a sense of self respect. It's about teaching her that sometimes things that might make you feel good for a brief moment will cause you damage in the long term.

And most importantly, it's about leading by example.

Start having three healthy, balanced meals a day with no snacking in between and treat family meals as a happy, social, enjoyable thing where you all come together around the table to try new, healthy recipes. Lean proteins, vegetables, salads and healthy fats can still make for some gorgeous, creative, delicious meals that will keep her full until the next meal - there doesn't have to be refined carbs and pudding at every sitting.

In addition, start doing physical activity with her, or get her enrolled in some kind of sport, go running or cycling with her or even just take family walks. Empower her, make her start seeing her body in terms of what it can do, not in terms of what it looks like. Encourage her to push her limits.

And no, I don't think there's anything wrong with using the "f-word", as other people have said. It doesn't need to be framed in terms of "attractiveness" or body image but being overweight has real, undeniable and often fatal long term health consequences and you are absolutely right to be honest with her about this.

It probably won't be easy at first but you can definitely make positive changes now which will give her the tools for the future to make good choices, respect her body and focus on being strong and physically capable.

Good luck!

I agree that controlling and limiting food is dangerous. My M did. I remember jumping and quickly hiding a chocolate bar I was eating when someone came into the kitchen thinking it was her - it was my F and he knew why.
I have been overweight at times, very slim at others and had an ED.
Both my sisters have had EDs. Maybe the puritans' brains will implode now.
We have corporations producing foods that aren't natural for humans and are frankly addictive, on the one hand, yet fashion, 'fitness' and social media promoting elitist unrealistic 'healthy' orthorexic diets, unrealistic photoshopped images on the other. No wonder some people think they're never going to look like that so fuck it, they'll have a burger; while others obsess unhealthily over being slim, fit, their appearance. It's two sides of the same coin. Eating disorders are common by the way. No wonder.

Not necessarily @allthegins - my DS is autistic and started putting on weight at 5 and by 11 was very overweight. It was hard to control and I didn't want to give him a complex but we talked about healthy eating a fair amount and he started cooking with me. Over the last 18 months he started improving his diet with no input from me (cut out puddings, eats less snacks and sticks to a small amount of fruit when he does snack, eats more veg and salad). He also shot up in height and is now quite slim and I think he will get more so the taller he gets. Slim boys his age are eating huge amounts as they get taller but he is eating a more normal amount so his body is using the fat on his belly for energy instead!

I am overweight, my mother was overweight, my grandmother was overweight (once she stopped smoking). We don't have good genes!
My kids at 16-24 eat pretty healthily because sweets weren't heavily restricted and as they've got older they don't like them much. My youngest's favourite snack is Hummus and celery.
I wasn't perfect with food and my kids. In fact I made a lot of mistakes with the middle one - as a result she actually struggles with food at times (as in actually eating), but she also has digestive problems.

If you "forbid" food it makes it more appealing. My mother partly blamed her weight issues on the deprivation of rationing.

I believe having healthy snacks (and not just fruit around). Understanding teens get ravenous just like breast feeding mother's do. And teaching yourself and your children to listen to their bodies, including making sure you drink enough water is the best way to go.

And there is quite a bit of evidence that different people need different food (and that our gut bacteria rule our eating).

I also had parents who called me fat and restricted my food/told me off for eating too much. So I'm careful what I do but my kids are aware it isn't healthy to be overweight and I do tell them they can't have more if they are overdoing it with the unhealthy stuff. That is ok to do IMO.

Well both mine are thin despite my eldest liking high salt and fat and my youngest having a huge sweet tooth but I am not smug as I am incredibly worried about all the other nutrients she is missing out on as just refuses to eat. The culture of eating this shit has been imported from the US and it's incredibly hard to avoid it. You are definitely deemed controlling if you are the only one refusing an ice cream at the park after school, especially if your child is thin.

Help your DD by limiting the amount of junk you have in the house, but don't make it a huge issue. My DM has always had a really unhealthy fascination with diets and weight and projected that onto me. I ended up with a binge eating disorder and have always struggled with weight since. I wish my mum had been able to help me control my weight in a more constructive way. For example, at the age of 15 I went to Rosemary Connelly slimming classes with DM. I'd been really good all week (all we were allowed to eat for tea was a small plain jacket potato and plain salad 7 nights a week) and fancied a treat so I bought a picnic bar from the shop on the way home. I was honest with my mum when she asked how my day had been food wise and she hit the roof She told me how ashamed she was of me and that she might as well not bother helping me as I'd thrown it all back in her face and that she was going to march me down to the group and make me stand up and admit to everyone what I'd done. As luck would have it I lost 5lbs that week but couldn't quite let go of the shame I felt and I began eating in secret.
Be supportive if your daughter has weak moments, which she more than likely will, get her involved in cooking with you so she can learn healthy ways of cooking and find out the things she really enjoys eating and see if you can find healthier alternatives or figure out what a suitable amount looks like so she starts understanding portion control.
Good luck OP

Sounds like you have done everything you reasonably can.

If that’s the way she wants to eat then you’ll just have to accept it whilst subtly promoting heathy food choices.

If she ends up overweight, it’s for her to deal with. She has to find that motivation for herself to eat healthy and exercise.

Dd (now 15) was a chubby 10 yo. Have never limited snacks or sweet stuff at home, relied on moderation. But always cooker healthy meals.

Dd at 15 is as skinny as a rake.

Ds (5) was a bit chunky prior to 6 weeks holidays. In 3 weeks he has visibly dropped weight and I know he is eating a lot less. He no longer has peaks and troughs in energy or eating patterns. Has a good breakfast, healthy lunch, normal dinner then 1 or 2 small snacks a day despite having access to the snack cupboard.

Dd was always skinnier come September as well.

Dunno the answer but that's my 2 dcs history if it helps.

If it helps, all 3 of mine went through the same pattern. Piled on weight pre-puberty and into puberty. Were very overweight young teens. None of them very sporty. All of them lost it in later teen years as they grew. Adults dds are now size 10 to 14 (the latter is 6 feet tall and a total gym bunny). 17 year old DS has shed over two stone in the last 12 months and is transformed. He used to drink a lot of fizzy drinks (which he bought with dinner money so I couldn’t control it) and I remember pleading with him to drink even a mouthful of water. He now carries a 2 litre bottle of water everywhere with him. Don’t give up, things change. DD2 was the fussiest eater ever - our friends still comment on it, how restricted her diet was. She is now a superb cook who eats absolutely everything! Keep being supportive, they will get there

1. encourage exercise, especially sport or dancing rather than simply gym or aerobics lead by example. Allows your daughter to think of what her body can do: to faster, further, higher etc.
2. encourage a nutrition-based attitude to food, ie what are the things you need to consume to be healthy. Agree with pp re: having healthy non-processed foods in the house, involving your child in meal prep and planning etc. Sport also helpful in thinking of food as fuelling performance.

Most eating disorders aren't about food, they are about control and/or handling uncomfortable emotions, but being overweight can then lead to a vicious spiral of comfort eating. Helping your child to be resilient, accepting of their own faults and failures and to have good self-esteem.

I was your daughter - and I bought and ate in secret. I just loved junk food and that full feeling. There wasnt much my parents could have done in hindsight - they spoke to me about my habits and I always just thought they were picking on me cause my sisters were thin. I wish they had got me more involved in clubs and sports that meant I didn't have time to think about food - I think that may have helped, something like drama but I can't be sure.

my son is 15, & left to his own devices has got fat. despite having onky having healthy snacks available he will spend his pocket money on food. if i take his cash card away he goes round the school vending machines looking for firgotten change. i have spoken to him about the dangers to his health / skin/teeth/ hair but to no effect. refuses point blank to entertain any form of exercise & believe me i've trued.
i agree withthe posters saying that they have to make the decision for themselves.......i'm not getting my hopes up though.