To be worried that my daughter will get fat if left to her own devices?

[narisha99]

I am worried about DD10 and her love of junk food, white carbs and anything sweet! She is tall for her age, has started puberty and has always been a solid build. She is not overweight but, is very close to becoming overweight and I fear that as she gets older and I naturally have less control over what she eats (ie when a teen and out with friends) that she would easily become overweight.

At the moment I am able to control / limit her food and can push her in the direction of healthy eating and making good choices. BUT she is always pining for the bad choices and given any chance to indulge (ie at a party, buffett restaurant etc when left to her own devices) she heads straight for the less healthy options etc.

My goal is to change her mindset so that she understands and wants to eat healthily through her own choice, not because I said so. But I don't seem to be able to do that!

She also seems to constantly be asking / thinking / wanting food irrespective of what she has actually consumed

I have tried to explain it and educate her but clearly I am not getting it right.

(For context, my older DC has no problem with eating sensibly, healthy and knowing their limits)

Any recommendations for resources that I could use with her? Or ideas on how to approach this?

I think those of you who fear your DD or DS will get fat when older as you can no longer control what they eat may well be proved right. But that is because by allowing them so little control over what they eat now, and being restrictive. Plus being so anxious over it. You are introducing unhealthy attitudes to food in your children.
This is one of the ways eating disorders start.

I was very lax over what my DC ate, they are all pretty skinny, and eat healthily - and on the whole don't have a sweet tooth.
I would say encouraging your children to eat healthy food, have healthy food available, and trying a wide variety of foods, including repeated "trying" of various vegetables helps. But being restrictive and making the odd Greggs or sweets a forbidden treat only makes them more attractive.

DS has always had a sweet tooth - and had access to same food - bf then baby led weaning as eldest - I don't think it's anything I've done to make him that way.

However full fat yoghurt and fruit do seem to satisfy the sweet tooth so I gently nudge that way or to longer filling foods – oats so porridge and flap jacks – it helped when we were making our own yogurt as he got into that.

Allowing a child to gain excessive weight is also a good way to trigger an eating disorder.

Instil good habits, but don’t make an issue of it. Don’t talk about good / bad foods or healthy / unhealthy. Just provide a healthy diet and limit snacking and sugary treats. And keep them active.

I don't know how old yours are MollyButton, but I have noticed that in the last 5-10 years, the fast food advertising, availability has exploded. There's a fecking Burger King in Addenbrookes hospital fgs!; Domino's purposefully placed beside schools. I've never been worried about the odd Gregg's. I am bloody worried that all our kids are subjected to sugar everywhere and the problem is rising massively at alarming rates.

Spandang does have a point though - it depends how you do things but if obsessive you can create the forbidden fruit scenario in which nothing is more desirable than whatever mother disapproves of and forbids. My mother was like this - always on a diet herself and quite gleeful about restricting her daughters and delivering lectures and judgement on all things food and weight while feeding up men and boys til they were fit to burst. It did create issues in each and every one of my siblings - each one reacted differently depending upon their personalities.

I actually think AsTheWorldTurns has a better idea, just be matter of fact but absolutely neutral "if you eat that as a one off it's ok but if you eat one of those every day you'll get fat, your choice".

The thing to avoid IME is disgusted facial expressions and judgemental language, rationing and forbidding - and keep things neutral. You don't prefer how your child looks thin, you simply neutrally comment if you have a health message, and not constantly.

I know weight is mainly about diet but my mother was very sedentary and allowed her DD's to drop all exercise, opting instead for denial and restrictions. I do think the mindset of being active is better than the forbidding, restricting, disapproving messages. Also being out of the house distracts from boredom eating and raises self esteem!

I had the same thing happening with my dd12 - and she did put on lot of weight when she started secondary school. She was not making good choice at the school canteen, buying junk on the way back from school etc....I sat with her and we had a good chat and decided on some changes. She has been on pack lunches since beginning of May, and I do not buy junks anymore..she still has some treats but they are occasional. I also told her she needed to be more physically active but we are still working on it.

It’s quite normal for girls to gain weight with the onset of puberty. She will probably have a growth spurt soon, and lose the puppy fat, as long as you keep her active and limit snacks.

Don’t comment on it or talk to her about calories. The goal is health, which includes mental health. Have a look at rebelfit on Facebook.

Absolutely don’t use the f-word!

^But that is because by allowing them so little control over what they eat now, and being restrictive. Plus being so anxious over it. You are introducing unhealthy attitudes to food in your children.
This is one of the ways eating disorders start^
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I disagree. My post above was born of experience. DH and I have always been slim, DS was a skinny child and is a skinny adult. I have never dieted in my life. DD given the same diet, somewhat relaxed about rules and snacks, started to gain weight around age 10.
For two or three years I didn't address it with her just encouraged exercise and healthy eating. The weight piled on.
Eventually I sat her down and spelt it out that she was over weight and I was going to help her change that.
The relief on her was shocking. She was so glad I had been open about it. We worked on some simple dietary rules and she slimmed down to a normal weight which she maintains as an adult.

No eating disorder just because I was honest.

For those interested mine are now between 16-24, and all skinny. And they do enjoy the odd Latte or KFC or trip to Cremes.
At 13 ish teenagers become ravenously hungry - having healthy quick treat helps, but they may also eat lots of bread or baked potatoes.

Despite my very lax attitudes when they were younger - they are all of a healthy weight and pretty active. (For activity I think the biggest issue is not walking everywhere - people in London tend to be slimmer because they walk more.)

Absolutely don’t use the f-word!

This is absolute nonsense. Most children do not have eating disorders, the far more likely outcome is that they will get fat. No need to be coy about it, eating too much directly leads to getting fat just like running in the street directly leads to getting hit by a car.

The only reason they'd feel anxiety or shame about a parent saying this it is if they were to make something more of it than a simple cause and effect relationship.

What about getting her involved in cooking the family meals? Get a couple of healthy cookbooks and make it a fun activity to find healthy meals and snacks that she likes? Helps set her up for healthy eating for life.

I was like your DD except actually fat. I only started making good choices when my parents stopped making excuses and told me I was fat and had to sort it out. I have been a healthy weight ever since (although have a life long addiction to sugar and don’t have an amazing body - just a nice healthy one). As much as I crave cake, biscuits etc I don’t over indulge because I don’t want to get fat. Sometimes children don’t realise that their bad choices have consequences.

controlling and limiting foods is dangerous, you are making it scarce, forbidden and desirable as a result.

no it isn't, it's good parenting. I'm sorry you're overweight @Spandang but you can't blame your mum for it. All parents control their kids' diet, otherwise most kids would be obese with no teeth!

I have to admit the healthy snack thing - when older two come in from school is something I could work on.

Though recently I sent my youner two to an event 2 and half hours where they'd be busy entire time - they had a drink with them. The organizers strongly suggested we leave snacks as it was so long -I didn't have time.

They manged not only the two hours but also the 50 minute walk back without food and with no complaints and only wanted a sandwich when they got in.

I was told by youngest though the other children had food - the strong implciation when they do it again they should too.

She's 10. This is the perfect age to get her into cooking proper meals. Discuss favourite flavours, e.g. lemon, chilli, cinnamon and look at recipe books together to try new things. If she likes sweet flavours, she might like Middle Eastern food with fruit in the main dish. Maybe grow some unusual fruit or veg and cook with it. Give her the responsibility for cooking a meal for the family once a fortnight.
We do too much snacking in this country. It's not healthy. We need to learn how to be hungry. (I'm saying this to myself btw)

No junk food in the house, none at all.
That’s no crisps, chocolates, sweets, pot noodles etc
If she wants junk food she has to go out & get it with her own money.

As a parent, you cannot manage restriction of empty calories or serving sizes in your own home indefinitely - it’s a self defeating cycle & takes up too much time, energy. It’s quicker & more determined to not have the stuff in the house - Try a junk free house until September term starts or Christmas ?

Having healthier options stocked up in the house - everyday fruits, some nuts (yes, calorific but nutrient rich).

Make sure all regular meals are appetising & nutritious, with a range of tastes & flavours. Go for slow release carbs over processed rice, pasta, breads etc.

Your DD is young, she does not have enough experience or development self control yet to manage her food intake. If sweet stuff is available, then she’ll go for it - as do many adults.

She may well be craving sweet foods because she is hungry or just not had enough filling foods at mealtimes. She is heading towards puberty & her body needs nutrient rich foods for growth & development. Her increased appetite is natural but it must be met with nutrients not quick hunger fixes.

Try some suggestions made above during the school holidays & if you are still concerned, look into sensible eating resources designed for her age group either locally or online. She may need to be taught this outside of home.

You are worrying about something far too earlier than you should. She will loose a lot of puppy fat over the next 4 years. Frankly, I work with students and for every fat girl I see I can count at least 3-4 that are unhealthily thin.

The more you insist on controlling her food, the worst her relationship with food will be. What I would suggest is to provide a healthy diet at home all the time, make it plentiful if necessary but let her relax when she is out, it is not that she is at buffets or parties several times a week, is it?

Absolutely don’t use the f-word!

I don't think you'd need as my youngest two have been very conscious of extra weight when they've had it - and that's definitely not come from us but their peers.

DD2 shot up in height as we pretty much expected and we'll keep an eye on DS see if he's the same - if not we'll encourage more exercise and have a chat about healthy options - though I think he's getting there on his own more anyway.

I can see why it’s a relief for some children when parents sit them down and do some plain speaking as they don’t live in a home bubble and other people can be very direct.

I don't think it's a particular approach that works it's largely down to the child once they get to the age where they get more control. My dc aren't bothered about sweets, crisps and chocolate and I can have them in the house and throw them out when they go past their sell by date. Dsis and her children cannot leave them alone and so she rarely buys them. Dsis and I were brought up together but have completely different feelings towards food. Dsis loves food, she thinks about it all the time and her children are largely the same whereas food doesn't particularly interest me and my dc seem to be the same. I eat to live and dsis lives to eat is what she tells me

My mum did what you are doing, she restricted my food and constantly shoved me towards healthy options but it made me feel like I was greedy and disgusting for wanting anything that wasn’t vegetables.

I ended up binging in secret, a behaviour that has never left me. I ended up really overweight as a teenager, diagnosed with binge eating disorder at 20, referred to a therapist and my weight has gone up and down by five stone at a time my whole adult life.

The worst part is that my mum was always fat and she was scared I’d end up like her

Just be careful what you wish for, education is fine, enjoying exercise is fine, but controlling and limiting foods is dangerous, you are making it scarce, forbidden and desirable as a result.

Yes but childhood obesity is a massive problem.

Of course parents need to control and 'limit' food. I use the word 'limit' lightly because so many children are overfed from weaning stage and many parents still cannot recognise what a child-size portion should actually look like. Then there's all the snacking and the misconception that feeling hungry is in some way a bad thing, that must be stopped immediately.

Mostly because many parents are overfeeding themselves, as over 60% of UK adults are also overweight or obese, so overfeeding children is often done without them realising.

Parents need to break the cycle if they don't want their children to become overweight adults.

The worst part is that my mum was always fat and she was scared I’d end up like her

Yes but the flip side of that is children and teenagers of fat parents dieting/throwing up in secret, because they don't want to end up like their parents.

EDs are absolutely dreadful and awful but we have to strike a balance and not keep assuming (like is so often said on MN) that helping your child to watch their weight and make healthy choices, is automatically going to lead to an ED.

Both EDs and obesity can be life threatening.

You are worrying about something far too earlier than you should. She will loose a lot of puppy fat over the next 4 years. Frankly, I work with students and for every fat girl I see I can count at least 3-4 that are unhealthily thin.

1. She may lose the puppy fat. More likely, she won't.
2. You must work with a skewed demographic, it does not square with the country as a whole.

From your op I imagine you’re buying healthy stuff already so it’s a hard one

What is a typical day of eating like?