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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The world is gone mad

100 replies

Beansinahobbithole · 10/08/2019 10:31

I've just seen the weirdest post on my Facebook, of people at a funeral, holding up pictures of the dead, posing and smiling with it. What the actual fuck. AIBU in thinking this is fucked up? Or is this the new norm?

OP posts:
OMGshefoundmeout · 10/08/2019 12:40

It’s a different world now. Who knows what traditions we might have evolved if SM had been available 100 years ago. IMO announcing deaths on FB or posting photos of you with regards deceased at the wake is only disrespectful if the immediate family object to it. If the widow/children/parents are ok with it then anyone else’s opinion is irrelevant.

I loved my dad very much and think of him every anniversary/birthday etc but I didn’t put a notice in the local paper on his death, nor do I take out a personal ad with a photo and memoriam poem on his anniversary. He wasn’t waked, it was a closed casket and doesn’t have a gravestone or a plaque with his name or date - all this because he was a very private person who wanted to die as he had lived. It would have been disrespectful of me to ignore his wishes and do anything showy. Other people respect their dead in their own way and outsiders should really mind their own business.

OMGshefoundmeout · 10/08/2019 12:43

In Victorian times people made ornamental wreaths out of the deceased’s hair and hung them in the parlour as a sign of respect. That would be seen as creepy and disrespectful now.

1forAll74 · 10/08/2019 12:50

Yes, I think it's an awful thing to do,this posting of pictures at a funeral.Seems that nothing is kept private these days,and the world has to see all your personal life. It's odd, as the people who took the photo's,and the people who viewed them,were probably at the funeral anyway,so they already know about this funeral display.

BookWitch · 10/08/2019 12:50

My dad died two years ago

At his funeral we had a screen with a rolling gallery of photos of him. His grandchildren put it together, it was their contribution to the funeral, and it did help them.

My dad was active on FB with various veterans groups and had a lot of contacts we needed to inform that he had passed away, but had no other way of doing it other than logging into his FB and announcing it (after family had been informed obviously) - a few days after he died, but long enough before the funeral to allow people to come if they wanted.

Iwantacookie · 10/08/2019 12:56

I think funerals can bring out the worst for judgement.
Because they're not grieving "your way" you can't understand why they are not behaving in "your way" of grieving.
Grief is a very personal thing and if they have lived their lives through sm this is just another part of their life.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 10/08/2019 13:01

As we were waiting for the hearse to arrive for DM's funeral my Uncle's partner kept asking me if I had my camera, shouldn't I be taking it, I might want some photos. I was that close to saying 'I tell you what, I'll take a fucking selfie with the coffin shall I?'

How I ever sat in the car with her I'll never know, if I didn't love my Uncle so much I would have told her where to go. She'd wound me up since the day my Mum died with various comments and actions and I'll never forgive her for it.

Durgasarrow · 10/08/2019 13:05

weird

Sparklesocks · 10/08/2019 13:07

*HoneyBeeHappy

I don’t buy this notion that “it’s up to people how they grieve.” Social media didn’t exist until ten years ago, so are we saying that until then people didn’t have the ability to grieve in the way they wanted to? Bullshit.*

Nope not saying that at all, strange interpretation. Merely saying people are using it as another tool to grieve, not that they weren’t grieving until it existed. People do weird things when they lose someone.

Original poster
Beansinahobbithole · 10/08/2019 13:11

Re; people grieving differently, I DO get that, seriously. And I understand people announcing it because it's easier. I don't mean that people shouldn't be able to let people know that someone has died. That's not what my post is about.

I just don't think posing with pictures of dead people at their funeral is part of grief, I think it's purely for likes and attention, and that doesn't sit right with me.

OP posts:
Mammatino · 10/08/2019 13:14

I wasn't sure if you meant taking a photo with the actual dead body and FBing it. If so, Dreadful. Taking pics at the interment and photo bombing them, awful. For me it's disrespectful. Just putting old pics up when deceased was alive and well, fine... BUT if the deceased was a massive face booker etc. And would have been doing the same, then each to their own. If the deceased was an octogenarian with a phone and a wireless who would have got the wedding China out for the vicar, then totally disrespectful.

Original poster
Beansinahobbithole · 10/08/2019 13:17

No I mean holding up pictures of the person who's died, at their funeral and posing and smiling with them like it's a fucking birthday party or something

OP posts:
Original poster
Beansinahobbithole · 10/08/2019 13:18

As for person being a big Facebooker, as far as I'm aware, the person who's funeral it was didnt even have Facebook.

OP posts:
bouncingraindrops · 10/08/2019 13:20

So you don't mean picture of a dead person?

You bit my head off rather unnecessarily earlier for not knowing what you meant, yet it seems I am not the only one. Perhaps if you were clearer?

Original poster
Beansinahobbithole · 10/08/2019 13:23

people at a funeral, holding up pictures of the dead, posing and smiling with it

That's what I wrote in my op, that's pretty clear. Sorry if you didn't get it, and I'm sorry for being blunt. But it really is written quite clearly.

OP posts:
Mammatino · 10/08/2019 13:23

I thought so, but just checking. We buried my gran yesterday and had a picture of her from the 50's up when she was a stunner. I agree taking pics of us holding it whilst thumbs upping next the coffin would have been truly awful... Not to mention posting it with a "sad day" caption. We respected her life, it was sombre and dignified. I agree with you, but people who do it wouldn't agree with you. They would say you were a miserable old cow. They would be wrong.

Emthebaker · 10/08/2019 13:30

I agree with you that this is strange! A guy I went to school with recently passed away and, on the day of his funeral, social media was flooded with videos of people holding up photos of him and dancing around in the pub - very bizarre! There were also photos of people from our year at school captioned ‘school reunion’ and ‘we should do this more often’ from the funeral. It seems really disrespectful to me, but I guess everyone grieves differently Confused

FurryDogMother · 10/08/2019 13:30

I organised my Dad's funeral recently, and before it took place, I made a point of posting (on Facebook, of course!) that people should wear what they felt comfortable in, and that pictures were welcome - it's rare for all my friends and family to be in one place, and Dad would have loved the idea that he was the reason they came together. Smiles on the day were one of the best ways for people to show how they thought of him. We had wine gums at the wake, because he loved them, and our 'perpetual' tree (started off as a Christmas tree but decorations changed with the seasons) on display. One or two people posted pics on Facebook afterwards - I enjoyed seeing them. There was no sense of disrespect, nor indeed celebration as such - just people sharing something that meant something to them, and I find looking at the pictures rather comforting, to know he was so loved :) I'm sorry you see things a bit differently, OP - but every funeral is different and individual, and people make the choices that suit them and the other attendees - it's not a time for judgement, just understanding.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/08/2019 13:31

I think the advent of social media is what's weird and what has made the 'world go mad'. It would be truly better if it had never come about.

Regarding posing with the dead, that's not new - look up Memento Mori. It's part of the grieving process and nobody needs to state an opinion really on how other people do it unless it affects them.

What's weirder still is posters like you, OP, wanting validation for what you think is weird. Think it if you like but why do you need to post about it when it's nothing to do with you and it's likely to upset people. The backpedalling won't have made up for that.

Weird!

bouncingraindrops · 10/08/2019 13:32

That's what I wrote in my op, that's pretty clear. Sorry if you didn't get it, and I'm sorry for being blunt. But it really is written quite clearly.

You were not blunt, you were needlessly rude.

Original poster
Beansinahobbithole · 10/08/2019 13:34

I didn't backpedal. My opinion has remained the same throughout.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/08/2019 13:40

Well, unless you're very dense you must have realised that your thread would upset some people. It has. Putting 'x's and 'flowers' to posters is then a bit cringewrothy in my book. You wrote your thread in the vein that the 'world's gone mad', because it doesn't fit in with your narrative. So arrogant.

Mammatino · 10/08/2019 13:41

@Furrydogmother. See that sounds nice and in complete keeping with your dad's wishes.

@Emthebaker this on the other hand seems really inappropriate. That poor man's family probably didn't feel their son had died as a catalyst for a school reunion.
Two examples of how it can be respectful and a helpful part of the grieving process and then just crass.

Original poster
Beansinahobbithole · 10/08/2019 13:41

That's your opinion, why don't you start a thread about it? X

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/08/2019 13:44

Because that would be a TAAT and frankly, not that interesting. HTH

PapaShango · 10/08/2019 13:46

bouncingraindrops

She wasn’t rude. It was written quite clearly in the op. You just didn’t get it.

Op I agree with you. I have no problems with people taking pictures at the funeral, that’s fine. My dad took pictures on my grandad at the funeral. Posting on Facebook, however, is tacky and disrespectful.

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