Who is unreasonable here?

[Cronutsarelovely]

A and B were in a long relationship. A was really bad at communication and never criticised B in any way, instead held it all in. Eventually they started having problems and B provoked A into listing all Bs faults. A did this genuinely wanting to change. However a list built up over years is a pretty horrific thing to read. B was extremely upset, felt A didnt or couldn't have loved B for a long time/ ever and ended the relationship.

B met C within days and they started dating. However B still had feelings for A and this caused frequent arguments with C. A couplr of months later A asked to see B - B went with Cs knowledge.

A and B spoke for a long time. A apologised for the list, and asked if a freah start was possible. B agreed. It was left B would end things with C as it wasn't working, and then A and B would take it from there.

B contacted A the next day to say that they'd broken the news to C. B also asked to pick something up from As house later that evening, in 2-3 hours time. A said they would arrange to be home in 2 hours and wait for B.

B then didn't contact A until nearly 5 hours later and said sorry, the discussion with C had bwen difficult and run on and B now wouldn't be coming.

A asked why B couldn't have found a minute in 5 hours to say they would be late, and A said it felt as though their feelings were less important than Cs, it's not nice to be kept waiting etc. A would never have said this in the past - the old A would have just said ok and pretended they didn't care.

Bs response was that A was being unfair and horrible, that B had just spent hours persuading C why B wanted to try again with A, and now A had thrown it all back. That A clearly still didn't care about B and B was wasting their time trying again.

Who is BU?

A and b need to stay away from each other and c needs to find new friends.

I went with Ashley, Bernie and Charlie.

I have always been very independent and he finds that difficult to deal with

That's not a good sign. How did it manifest?

Healthy relationships shouldn't be about one person needing (being dependent on) the other...

my poor communication made him feel unwanted

How so? What did you do?

You were stood up.

You probably have outgrown him.

Move on with someone new, a relationship with B categorically will not work now.

After years together everyone has petty niggles. I basically never criticised him over those years. We never really argued, but because of that we never resolved anything either.

The list of issues was something he admits he goaded me into writing. The problem is that my professional role involves basically analysing and picking fault. A very good friend said I am the worst person to have goaded into writing something like that because it would be comprehensive and brutal. And it was. But none of it meant I didnt still love him or want to find a way forward. I could write an even longer list about myself.

YABU for confusing us with all this ABC malarkey

It was obvious you were A from the start. I think you've written about this before and got the same answers, you were in the wrong. Just move on. This isn't going anywhere.

I feel sorry for C most of all, poor sod getting dragged into this bullshit.

A and B need to stay separated and move on with their lives, this won’t work at all.

I would never have even gone on a date with someone who'd only split up from a LTR days earlier let alone started a relationship so although I have some sympathy for C she knew the risks. According to him she is still active on dating sites/ talking to other men so was keeping her options open too.

The list of issues was something he admits he goaded me into writing

Sorry but this is an excuse really. It's up to you how far you go. If a man/woman hears everything shitty about them without any positives (and most average people have at least a couple positives, usually far more and some else comes along who can see them) then the natural conclusion is why does this person want me anyway?

Then you seem to have convinced him to take the blame for somehow forcing you to dismantle his character. That's quite gaslighty. If you were a man people would be flaming you.

The problem is that my professional role involves basically analysing and picking fault

Perhaps you need to try consciously compartmentalising your work life persona from your home life persona. It will be hard at first, but come more naturally with time. I think its worth working on if you want to genuinely be with this man. Leave your worklife persona at the office door.

Perhaps everytime you feel yourself becoming (unfairly) critical - obviously justified criticism is sometimes warranted -have a notepad and write something positive he does or something you like about him. If you struggle then you know he's just not right for you.

I agree that C is very naive.

I never used my work persona in any of the time we were together. I genuinely NEVER criticised him in any way before that letter. I wrote it because he said he wanted to hear everything. So I gave him a detailed analysis. I thought that was the right thing to do. I thought by saying all that but making it clear I love him (and I did put in those reasons too) would help. But I accept that was wrong. I deserved him to end things with me and I have truly grieved for the loss of what we had, compounded by knowing he'd met someone else very quickly. I never thought I'd get another chance and am just hoping I haven't completely fucked that up too. However he is still radio silence so it's not looking good.

A, easily. It was a one-off, and it'd be beyond rude to be in a conversation with C in this case and take a moment to rearrange a date with A, especially as C is the innocent party here!

And kicking off about feeling unimportant and forgotten suggests this is going to go right back to where it was before; and lists of faults... nobody wants to be given a list of their faults, that'd be pretty hard to move on from, and if there's a whole list of faults; it's probably not a good relationship anyway.

To me, I didnt know what was happening. He could have been dead in a ditch, or changed his mind or whatever.

That's not a rational response. He said he'd be round in two hours. Why did you sit waiting for him? Wouldn't you carry on doing whatever else you do at home; and realised if he was late that the conversation with C had probably run on/been restarted?

This has disaster written all over it from all sites. C is well out of it and A seems to have lacked empathy and compassion here.

I sat waiting for him because I was expecting him. I couldn't start doing anything because I was waiting for him to arrive and I wanted to be ready when he did.

Most people in relationships have petty niggles with the other person...you see it on here every day. The problem was I never vented any of those little niggles until they became massive. The irony is I never did that because he is an amazing person, I always believed I was lucky to have him and I never wanted to make him unhappy.

I wrote a long post then closed the page so I'll just summarise.

You sound like you lack confidence in communicating negative feelings as and when they are occurring. It also sounds like you have trouble discriminating what is an issue worth confronting and what are issues worth forgiving/looking over.

The answer isn't to look over all of them or confront all of them, or even most of them, the answer is to deal with them in as loving, kind and timely a manner as possible whilst being true to yourself (ie not when very provoked, not when he's pissed, communication is about receptive)

My previous responses may have been a bit harsh, sorry. His choosing to jump onto someone else so quickly is still very shitty. You are each responsible for your own behaviour and his is equally, if not more deplorable.

I am sure he will be back. However, if not then maybe he wasn't truly sincere about his love. However, I suspect it's not over. Be nice when he returns.

I think you need to concentrate on the moment more - there was no reason to feel anything other than joy that your love was returning to you, yet you chose to react by concentrating on the petty minor stuff as if stoid up on a first date by a stranger. How much did you want him back really? Do you really want him or is it the familiarity?

How much did he want to truly be back?

How much do you respect each other?

Lastly, I sense that you both seem to hold the other responsible for your actions, or reactions, but how you react is always down to you. Him going off with someone else has nothing to do with what you said or did, and you going off on him about his character equally has nothing to do with him. You could have refused to stoop to his level.

I hope this teaches you both what you have to lose and you both go forward together with a little more dignity and respect in your relationship in future.

Well surely youve got him now so whats the problem?

Catherine thank you for such a measured response. That's something I need to learn!

I was broken when he started seeing her so soon after our split and seethed with envy and jealousy. Not attractive emotions and ones I'd never felt previously. Then I was so excited about seeing him when I hadn't expected to, that I then felt the disappointment more strongly.

I do have insecurities which i mask with overconfidence. Even though he told me he was going to end it with her, part of me didn't believe him. Part of me thought he was happy now in his new life with his new girlfriend and why rock the boat. I expected it to go wrong and it did.

Well as I said it was a very shitty thing for him to do and when he returns I'd wait a while (a few days) and then address it by framing it in a non-blaming way - something like: "Now that we're back together I realise what we could have lost, and I think if we are going to last, we each need to have more respect for each other and this relationship. What I did was wrong and what you did hurt me, it really played on my insecurities the way I'm sure my actions did on you. We shouldn't hurt each other like that ever, ever again. I want us to draw a line under this and go forward together supporting each other. It's very important to me that I feel respected and that I can trust you around other women I see that it is for you too, so please let this be the very last time we involve other people in our relationship no matter how bad things get, because if that happens again it will be over for us both".

Something like that, but more real sounding

Thank you. I can see the value on a conversation like that.

Unfortunately he's now sent me a message saying he has nothing more to say to me and we are done.

You, for the A&B shit.

Unfortunately he's now sent me a message saying he has nothing more to say to me and we are done.

Do you think he's just angry at you still?

So sorry OP.

Has he explained why he feels it's done? It's a bit strange that he was prepared to leave a new relationship for you, but now he's done. It sounds more like hurt pride to me. I'm not convinced he really means it.

The A & B nonsense always drives me nuts. It's an anonymous forum- just say what you bloody mean!

It will never be 'objective' because it's always going to be the author's words and interpretation of events. People know that when they respond.

Yes he said last night in an exchange of messages that he thought i was being deliberately nasty by throwing this at him when he'd spent all evening having a difficult conversation trying to explain to the new woman why he was leaving her for me, and its clear that I obviously think he's a complete arsehole, that this wasn't what he expected after agreeing to try again and he didn't see the point of discussion.

Basically by having a go I have reminded him of the list which he clearly cant forgive and in his mind even though I've said how much I love him, he doesnt believe me.

I'm sad but there's nothing I can do now. I replied and said that I loved him and I hope he changes his mind but I dont think I can do more.

I can see why you were upset OP. Leaving the who's at fault for the initial break up aside, you thought you were getting back together and were waiting for him to arrive for your joyous reunion. Only to realise after sitting nervously for hours that he wasn't feeling the same way, and was at that moment with his girlfriend. Probably telling her he is sorry for thinking of breaking up with her and that he won't. Of course thats a painful and embarrassing situation. (unfortunately I've been there).

I cannot say that anyone is BU as breakups are tough. YANBU to feel the way you felt. OTOH, if he's changed his mind again and wants to be with C now, that's up to him.

Of course it was annoying to have been left for five hours but I'd have assumed that there was still stuff to sort out with C.

He probably does feel awful, it may have been a new relationship but he cares about C. It's not pleasant breaking up with people and then the first thing he gets is you having a go at him. If I were him I'd be thinking why bother and I'd also say it was over.

Although I dont think HIBU, don't read to much in to him saying you've reminded him of the list thus ruining everything.

The break up for a relatively short relationship need not take 5 hours plus. Getting back with a recent ex is a pretty common and easy to explain thing. Obviously they were discussing whether they should stay together, and he was considering it. And in the end he agreed that he would stay. Then he wondered how he could break the news to you. Your reaction gave him the perfect out.