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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is unreasonable here?

103 replies

Cronutsarelovely · 10/08/2019 10:17

A and B were in a long relationship. A was really bad at communication and never criticised B in any way, instead held it all in. Eventually they started having problems and B provoked A into listing all Bs faults. A did this genuinely wanting to change. However a list built up over years is a pretty horrific thing to read. B was extremely upset, felt A didnt or couldn't have loved B for a long time/ ever and ended the relationship.

B met C within days and they started dating. However B still had feelings for A and this caused frequent arguments with C. A couplr of months later A asked to see B - B went with Cs knowledge.

A and B spoke for a long time. A apologised for the list, and asked if a freah start was possible. B agreed. It was left B would end things with C as it wasn't working, and then A and B would take it from there.

B contacted A the next day to say that they'd broken the news to C. B also asked to pick something up from As house later that evening, in 2-3 hours time. A said they would arrange to be home in 2 hours and wait for B.

B then didn't contact A until nearly 5 hours later and said sorry, the discussion with C had bwen difficult and run on and B now wouldn't be coming.

A asked why B couldn't have found a minute in 5 hours to say they would be late, and A said it felt as though their feelings were less important than Cs, it's not nice to be kept waiting etc. A would never have said this in the past - the old A would have just said ok and pretended they didn't care.

Bs response was that A was being unfair and horrible, that B had just spent hours persuading C why B wanted to try again with A, and now A had thrown it all back. That A clearly still didn't care about B and B was wasting their time trying again.

Who is BU?

OP posts:

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 10/08/2019 10:38

There is a big difference though between speaking your mind in an understanding way and being critical and unkind. It does sound like you have tipped into the second one. You're not alone. A lot of people do that when they are convinced that they are letting everything go and putting themselves last etc.

This really doesn't sound like the relationship for you.

Original poster

Cronutsarelovely · 10/08/2019 10:40

yellowallpaper could you tell me what an acceptable way of me raising this would have been?

I honestly didn't think saying could he not have found a minute/ that I felt my feelings were less important was bring vicious. But you think it was and he definitely does so it's clearly something I need to reflect on.

What would have been a better way of putting it?

OP posts:

Alb1 · 10/08/2019 10:42

I think if you are going to be that critical of B from the start, expecting to come before anything then there’s no point really. The face you’ve decided to speak your mind this time means you have changed, not B, B is likely the same person they were, except they won’t be used to your criticism and so may take it badly. Also you’ve stolen C’s partner, deliberatly by calling B round to discussing it knowing they were with someone else, obviously you army responsible for Bs actions but both of you could do with taking a look at your morals.

AiryFairyMum · 10/08/2019 10:43

Please no more of the ABCs. It is really hard to read.

ElloBrian · 10/08/2019 10:43

Relationships aren’t meant to be this much hassle.

Alb1 · 10/08/2019 10:43

Sorry for the stupid amount of autocorrect typos, clambering toddler got in my way

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 10/08/2019 10:46

could you tell me what an acceptable way of me raising this would have been?

I know your question wasn't to me so feel free to ignore me! Was it really the night to start asserting yourself? B was bound to be drained and C upset. I don't think making plans for B to come round was wise anyway, but having missed those plans was always a risk. I really wouldn't have suggested making a big deal of it.

caballerino · 10/08/2019 10:46

He told you he'd already broken up with her and would be round in two hours.

Five hours of silence later he tells you he spent those five hours discussing the break up snd couldn't come round.

You pointed out that was disrespectful. He threw his toys out the prom and turned it around on you.

He sounds manipulative. He lied to you, got you to hang around, and is punishing you for being pissed off.

Sounds like he's trying to train you to be compliant. If you got back together that pattern would continue. Why was it you never felt able to raise issues with him previously?

Move forward, away from him. It'll only bring you more heartache.

And maybe look at therapy for yourself to figure out how you relate to others and why. Freedom Programme could also be something to help you develop a clearer idea of how to behave in a healthy relationship.

Original poster

Cronutsarelovely · 10/08/2019 10:46

We were together a long time and shared a lot of values, beliefs, similar interests and were really compatible. And I will admit I was at least 70% responsible for the demise of our relationship.

But I've had time on my own to work out what I want, what I feel I deserve but how also I can change. Obviously I am not there with the latter part yet. And now I've probably ruined it again. I have apologised by text multiple times but he clearly doesn't want to discuss it.

OP posts:

caballerino · 10/08/2019 10:49

ffs, toys out the pram not prom.

Oh, and he spent five hours debating a break up with someone? I could maybe understand if it was a long term relationship, marriage, or they had children together, but in this scenario?

pinkyredrose · 10/08/2019 10:51

B is out of order. Why did it take 5 hours to end a relationship. If you meant that much to him he'd be there for you.

caballerino · 10/08/2019 10:52

What the fuck are you repeatedly apologising for at this point? He was the one who was a dick. Unless you've missed something out.

I don't think you have worked out what you deserve if you're begging him to take you back. That's just the bargaining stage of grief making you want him back, not a sign this is a good relationship for you.

Anyway, what else did you do to take 70% of the responsibility for the relationship ending?

Original poster

Cronutsarelovely · 10/08/2019 10:53

Caballerino this is my concern. The demise of our relationship coincided with me 'blossoming' for want of a better word. A lot of things came together for me at the same time and I'm doing really well professionally, financially and physically (I lost a lot of weight and started exercising) and he said he felt like I was outgrowing him and didn't need him.

To other posters, I didnt suggest he come round. That came from him. As he suggested it, I believed their discussion had already taken place not that it was going to take another 5 hours.

OP posts:

Alb1 · 10/08/2019 10:54

Hate to say it but he’s probably with C

pinkunicornsparkles · 10/08/2019 10:57

So much drama over the sake of a couple of hours of chat. Grow up.

Original poster

Cronutsarelovely · 10/08/2019 10:58

I apologised not for speaking up, but for phrasing it poorly and for causing him upset. That wasnt my intention.

I honestly do want to try again with our relationship but that has to be frpm a place of honesty both in saying how I feel and acknowledging/ apologising if I've upset him. However that door swings both ways and I need him to understand that I too was upset. Which is why I said what I did.

OP posts:

DorotheaHomeAlone · 10/08/2019 11:00

I think I’m your determination to be different this time you were unkind and insensitive. Yes, it’s not nice to be left dangling for 3 hours (you weren’t expecting him for the first 2) but you could have let it drop given he was having a difficult conversation. It would have been pretty crap if him to stop engaging in the break up to text his new gf.

You could have shown some compassion and picked this up in the future if it actually emerged that timekeeping was in issue beyond these exceptional circumstances.

caballerino · 10/08/2019 11:04

You outgrew his control... Which is fantastic.

Seriously, this latest incident has all the hallmarks of a man trying to reestablish control over you and make sure you blame yourself for his behaviour. If you got back into a relationship he would only treat you worse because he'd be confident you'd tolerate it and blame yourself.

Which is why I'm curious to understand how it is you've decided you are 70% responsible for the relationship ending.

If you see it that you began to flourish, and he stated he didn't like that, why would you want to resume a relationship with him anyway?

A decent partner in a healthy relationship who truly loved you would be overjoyed to see you flourish and would want to nurture that.

caballerino · 10/08/2019 11:06

How did you phrase it poorly?

QualCheckBot · 10/08/2019 11:11

B is hedging their bets and getting off on attention from two parties. A and C should just ignore him/her.

NoSauce · 10/08/2019 11:15

Well done to anyone who didn’t get blinded with the A B C business!

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 10/08/2019 11:16

I honestly didn't think saying could he not have found a minute/ that I felt my feelings were less important was bring vicious

He is leaving C for you

He has demonstrated that he misses you

I can see how it could be irritating, but are you so insecure that even though this man was in the process of dumping someone else for you, being left to wait a few more hours has you loosing it? You can't see the bigger picture? You couldn't focus on your lover ultimately returning and being happy? Do you not see from the other point of view?

Who cares how long it takes for him to explain why he's dumping the OW, you presumably have days, weeks and years together. She, I suspect, feels justifiably used. In her place I'd have a good old screaming match and be mightily pissed if he had the audacity to call his lover he's leaving me for while im having my melt down!!

I suspect you are a bit insecure and often offended by minor infringements your lover performs - or at least do not put them into context. Are you more of a black and white person? Do you come to judgements quickly? Because the reason you broke up is because instead of weighing up what Cs supposed misdeeds were, and you held onto them all until you couldn't hold it any longer.

Its not nice being with a critical, judgy person.

Perhaps give yourself time to calm down and then put things in 4 boxes:-

Give benefit of the doubt -

Consider the details and let go -

Confront in the nicest possible manner at most appropriate opportunity.

Confront immediately with WTF attitude

I'd say this one fell into category 3 at most.

Original poster

Cronutsarelovely · 10/08/2019 11:18

He did encourage my development while we were together, some of what I achieved was only possible due to his input and belief in me. It was only when I saw him post break up he spoke about feeling I'd outgrown him and didnt need him. I have always been very independent and he finds that difficult to deal with, that plus my poor communication made him feel unwanted in the past.

I think that by allowing all my petty resetnments to build up until I put them all down on paper and framed them negatively meant it was mostly my fault. Also for not paying enough attention to the physical side of our relationship. I'm happy to take most of the blame for the past if it means we can move forward in a better way.

Although I'm not sure that is going to happen now.

OP posts:

couchparsnip · 10/08/2019 11:21

I've called them Amanda, Bernard and Catherine in my head to make it easier to understand. Apologies if I've misgendered.
Bernard underestimated how long it would take to break up, or wanted a goodbye shag first and that took a while to initiate.
He doesn't sounds like a catch. Does the list of faults still apply? Why do you want him back?

Original poster

Cronutsarelovely · 10/08/2019 11:25

Catherine, yes I can see that's how it looks to him.

To me, I didnt know what was happening. He could have been dead in a ditch, or changed his mind or whatever. The fact he said he'd told her already, and told me he'd come here in a couple of hours made me think that they wouldn't be having any further discussion and nothing would delay him. Or if it did he would let me know.

I came home early, sat around in my nice clothes waiting for him (normally I change as soon as I get home) and he never came. It felt like I'd been stood up.

OP posts:

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