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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this creepy, or am I overreacting?!

64 replies

CareOwl16 · 09/08/2019 20:46

I hope you will all tell me AIBU, but just wanted to check if this situation is odd to other people!

I started a new job not too long ago. It's a bit of a strange company and I've had very little guidance. A man in another department spoke to me one day in the canteen, and said if I ever needed help or advice about the company he will be happy to help me. He seemed very friendly and we had a few coffees to chat about work, people, and he told me the general etiquette of the place. We also exchanged numbers, as sometimes I get in and the gate is locked (and his role is the one to open it). So I can ring him

He's in his late 60s, and I'm in my late 20s. He's married with grandchildren so I saw him as a nice guy who was helping me out. But things are starting to get a bit weird - he keeps texting me outside of work for one. It's mostly about work, and I do reply with questions such as 'do you know what time the meeting is tomorrow etc etc. Then he started sending me pictures of his dogs, so quite innocent stuff.

But he says some things that make me a little uneasy - things like I always look very nice, have a pretty smile, and kiss emojis. And other things which could look nice of flirty depending on how you look at it. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, that maybe he's of an age where he thinks that's just normal to send friends on social media. I have quite a few friends who are older than me and always seem to get on better with them than people my own age. I reply changing the subject, with generic questions about work. When he messages me and I don't reply he will send another message to nudge me.

Am I reading too much into this, is it a case of he doesn't know the social media boundaries due to his age? He knows I'm married, and I know he also messages other young women at work and is generally a friendly guy. Advice please Confused

OP posts:
littlepaddypaws · 09/08/2019 20:49

i would politely tell him i'm not comfortable with this and please keep conversations in work time. if it becomes a problem speak with your manager or hr.

RobinMoseby · 09/08/2019 20:49

He’s creepy and trying his luck, not ‘friendly’. Block him.

EAIOU · 09/08/2019 20:49

I would stop responding if you're doing so or be very short like you are now.

Limit daily contact/conversation and cool it right down. A cool tone/ body language.

If it is extending into your private life then yanbu.

Hes maybe taking a liken to you or just enjoys

CareOwl16 · 09/08/2019 20:51

I was hoping you'd all tell me I was reading too much into it and reading too much into someone being friendly!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2019 20:55

Ugh. Another pathetic old creep. Tell him clearly you no longer wish to text. If he carries on, block and/or report him.

BenjaminH · 09/08/2019 20:56

From a male perspective.

He's coming on a bit strong.

I suspect his motives are not entirely innocent.

I would suggest trying to shut down the small talk as you have been doing.

He might be very lonely but I suspect he doesn't message the young men at the company in the same way. ask the young men if he messages them as much?

Saucery · 09/08/2019 20:57

Don’t give him a free pass due to his age. He is pushing the boundaries of a work relationship and needs to stop.

CareOwl16 · 09/08/2019 21:01

Confused I feel it may partly be my fault, I've used him as a sounding box about work related issues, as I have no one else at work to talk to (no hr department and I have no visible line manager). So I've asked for advice on what to do about things that have caused me problems, and asked him for reassurance etc. So I don't know if I'm to blame for this?

OP posts:
pinkcardi · 09/08/2019 21:03

I wouldn't assume that he's safe because of his age and family.

I was sexually assaulted at work by a 50yr old man with a wife and daughter at home. He was the least likely person to do this on paper, in a company fully of pervs, but no, he was one of the worst.

I had a word with HR. They had a very strong word with him and scared the bejesus out of him. He backed off immediately and completely

DickieDonkey · 09/08/2019 21:03

Sounds like a sad old perv, avoid.

RobinMoseby · 09/08/2019 21:04

It’s not your fault, you’re not to blame. He’s overstepped the mark and used what you thought was a friendship to behave badly.

Pipandmum · 09/08/2019 21:04

His age? Come on he’s not a dinosaur. Keep texts to daytime and business only.

Hirsutefirs · 09/08/2019 21:06

If you don’t like it, say so.

He’ll try others until he finds one who does like it.

Saucery · 09/08/2019 21:06

I’ve asked senior female colleagues for advice and help in the past. None of them have commented on my appearance or sent me photos of their dogs. The only one who did that was an old creep of a security guard none of us ever wanted to be alone with.
It’s not your fault, it’s his. The point is, it’s now making you uncomfortable so you can tell him to stop.

GiggleMcDimples · 09/08/2019 21:07

I'd set his number so that you don't get any notifications and tell him that you've decided to switch your phone off after work.

MachineBee · 09/08/2019 21:07

Don’t respond out of hours. Just ignore.

MondayAlready1 · 09/08/2019 21:09

If he's been useful whilst you've been finding your feet then that's fine but if you're starting to feel it's a bit much I'd just back off a bit. Could you tell him you're cutting down on your phone time and then just deliberately leave it longer and longer before you reply. Ignore his nudges and then just reply the next morning. As others have said, if he wouldn't be doing this with a male colleague then his intentions are probably not entirely honourable.

CareOwl16 · 09/08/2019 21:09

Thing is, in person he's very charming and friendly, and made me feel better when I was having a few Wobblies about work issues. He seems to act different and say the weird things on text message, rather than to my face IYSWIM.

OP posts:
BenjaminH · 09/08/2019 21:10

No your not to blame.

Maybe you could shut it down in a jokey way, make yourself look a bit silly. as so to not upset his ego.

as most men have fragile little egos.

Saucery · 09/08/2019 21:11

More boundary testing, what can he get away with?

Drum2018 · 09/08/2019 21:12

Stop texting him. You have no need to and he has no need to text you. Keep any communication between you at work and within earshot of other colleagues. Outside of that neither of you need to be in contact about work or anything else. He can send 20 texts to you but it doesn't mean you have to reply. If he questions you at work about why you are not responsive to his texts, just tell him you prefer to forget about work issues as soon as you leave the office, and don't want to think about work until the next morning when you arrive at the office.

CareOwl16 · 09/08/2019 21:12

@BenjaminH do you have any tips on how to do that, do you mean make myself look really weird and gross somehow?

OP posts:
sackrifice · 09/08/2019 21:13

Thing is, in person he's very charming and friendly, and made me feel better when I was having a few Wobblies about work issues.

Fishermen don't shout at the fish 'IM GONNA EAT YOU' do they? They reel them in with maggots/worms/pretend food and then they get a hook through the jaw.

thecatinthetwat · 09/08/2019 21:14

Just impact your boundaries before it’s get any more out of hand.

If you’re uncomfortable then that’s the line.

MissConductUS · 09/08/2019 21:16

I had similar happen to me when I was tending bar while at uni. Some older men assumed that because I was nice to them it meant that i fancied them. Fortunately there were no mobile phones back then.

Just don't reply, or if you feel you must, just say it's become too personal and is making you uncomfortable. If it keeps up have a word with your manager.

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