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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this creepy, or am I overreacting?!

64 replies

CareOwl16 · 09/08/2019 20:46

I hope you will all tell me AIBU, but just wanted to check if this situation is odd to other people!

I started a new job not too long ago. It's a bit of a strange company and I've had very little guidance. A man in another department spoke to me one day in the canteen, and said if I ever needed help or advice about the company he will be happy to help me. He seemed very friendly and we had a few coffees to chat about work, people, and he told me the general etiquette of the place. We also exchanged numbers, as sometimes I get in and the gate is locked (and his role is the one to open it). So I can ring him

He's in his late 60s, and I'm in my late 20s. He's married with grandchildren so I saw him as a nice guy who was helping me out. But things are starting to get a bit weird - he keeps texting me outside of work for one. It's mostly about work, and I do reply with questions such as 'do you know what time the meeting is tomorrow etc etc. Then he started sending me pictures of his dogs, so quite innocent stuff.

But he says some things that make me a little uneasy - things like I always look very nice, have a pretty smile, and kiss emojis. And other things which could look nice of flirty depending on how you look at it. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, that maybe he's of an age where he thinks that's just normal to send friends on social media. I have quite a few friends who are older than me and always seem to get on better with them than people my own age. I reply changing the subject, with generic questions about work. When he messages me and I don't reply he will send another message to nudge me.

Am I reading too much into this, is it a case of he doesn't know the social media boundaries due to his age? He knows I'm married, and I know he also messages other young women at work and is generally a friendly guy. Advice please

OP posts:

Sadiesnakes · 09/08/2019 21:24

@BenjaminH do you have any tips on how to do that, do you mean make myself look really weird and gross somehow?

Are you serious op?

Stop having "Wobblies" with him, you are not leading him on, but he's a man and for most men any attention, even the most innocent and work related, is often taken as interest.

Stop being so Naive.

BenjaminH · 09/08/2019 21:27

No, I Don't mean make yourself look physically silly.

Your girlfriends might have better tactics for this but.

Next time he verbally say's something that is inappropriate

He's married right. so say "what would your wife say if she heard you say that?" "so lets keep it professional"

but ignoring texts

MondayAlready1

made a good comment I think,

"Could you tell him you're cutting down on your phone time and then just deliberately leave it longer and longer before you reply."

Original poster

CareOwl16 · 09/08/2019 21:28

But I just can't fathom why he would think a woman in their 20s would be interested in someone old enough to be their grandparent? Especially as I'm married. I don't know if he's trying to be fatherly to me, and not understanding how it could be construed? I don't want to make a huge fuss out of this and create an awkward work environment, especially as I'm new to the company

OP posts:

EileenAlanna · 09/08/2019 21:30

You've kept your contact work related & professional so you've crossed no lines & not done anything wrong. He on the other hand sounds like a real creep.
Ignore anything from him non-work related. If he "nudges" you for replies ignore those too. If he says anything to you just tell him you only expect work related contact from him - you've your own grandparents & friends for other stuff.
Discretely sound out other women in the company, it's likely he's a known problem.

EllaEllaE · 09/08/2019 21:30

things like I always look very nice, have a pretty smile, and kiss emojis.

yeah.... he knows exactly what he's doing. This guy understands boundaries just fine, and he's purposefully pushing through them little by little.

You have done nothing wrong. It's perfectly reasonable to make friends at work, and to ask other people work-related questions. He is deliberately screwing with you.

Time to drop and block this guy. Perhaps loop in your manager. Keep a copy of all messages in case you need to show them to HR later.

helpsomuchclutter · 09/08/2019 21:32

But I just can't fathom why he would think a woman in their 20s would be interested in someone old enough to be their grandparent?

He's a sleazy man. Who knows why they do it, but they do. I think some like the chase even if they know they have a very small chance of actually succeeding. They try it on with everyone they think they can get away with it. I'm not surprised to hear he texts other young women. This is further proof of his sleaziness not less.

EllaEllaE · 09/08/2019 21:32

But I just can't fathom why he would think a woman in their 20s would be interested in someone old enough to be their grandparent? Especially as I'm married.

because he's a creep. He's getting off on making you uncomfortable. Just uncomfortable enough to be plausibly deniable...ish...

NoSauce · 09/08/2019 21:34

OP he doesn’t care that he’s in his 60’s. He has obviously took a shine to you and is overstepping the mark but isn’t bothered.

If he texts you with pictures of his dog or just general chit chat don’t reply. Only respond when it’s to do with work, hopefully he will get the message and stop it.

BenjaminH · 09/08/2019 21:34

Your not creating the awkward environment. he is if anyone

if anything he's counting on your slight naivety, no offence.

your right we have all amused the worst of him. but when in doubt assume the worst.

never underestimate the arrogance of men.

BenjaminH · 09/08/2019 21:36

assumed* sorry

RickJames · 09/08/2019 21:39

I once had this with a guy in his 70's. Everyone was like oh x he's such a character blah blah... He was sort of a client, or a person who was in my client group. He was also famous in the 60's, sports star type. Anyway, one day I was like ok, stop it, you are making me feel uncomfortable- it's okay but like can you talk to me normally because I like you but I'm not stupid and it seems like you're making fun of me. We can get along without this bullshit. He got so mad and offended but he never did it again. It was so hard because I felt like I was the only person in the community that didn't appreciate his sexist bullshit and his comments. He also did the old, you aren't anything so hot anyway bullshit.
But I wasn't trying to be hot, I was trying to do my job. He totally piped down anyway.
He was a sport legend but he was a shitty man lol 😊

EllaEllaE · 09/08/2019 21:39

I was just thinking how this reminded me of a letter to 'Ask A Manager'. Alison's advice is fantastic to this woman.

should I tell my employer about my boundary-crossing coworker?

"I hit it off with one employee and we became friends. However, it got really weird. To clarify – I am a woman in my early 20s and he is a man in his early 60s. It went from chats once or twice a day, to him asking me to go out to lunch once or twice a week, to him texting me outside of work hours (it’s not weird for my group to have each other’s cell numbers – however, we typically only use them in case of emergencies). When I tried to pull back to a more professional relationship, he thought I was mad and bought me a candle (I mentioned once in a conversation that I like candles)."

my coworker is creeping me out, but I don’t know why

I think my coworker may be stalking me

god, it's depressing how many of them there are....

Cherrysoup · 09/08/2019 21:39

But I just can't fathom why he would think a woman in their 20s would be interested in someone old enough to be their grandparent?

Don't be naive. You have several posters telling you he's being inappropriate. I've read this hundreds of times on here, older men commenting on young girls, look at any older famous man and the comparative age of their wives. Tell him to stop sending flirty little messages or block his number.

RickJames · 09/08/2019 21:42

He's dead now btw. So I'm not starting a scandal. I'm sure he wasn't a physical bad person iknwim I think he was just super sexist

Original poster

CareOwl16 · 09/08/2019 21:48

Thanks for the links @EllaEllaE , they're very interesting and that sounds very similar!

OP posts:

SAHM2019 · 09/08/2019 21:50

@CareOwl16 I wouldn't block him (yet), as tbh it might be innocent and just his way. I used to work with an older man about this age when I was in my early twenties and he was genuinely just a lovely person but lots would say he was creepy. What I would do though is set some boundaries with him. You said if he sends a message and you don't reply that he sends another one to nudge you... well do you still not reply to the second message? Because I would cut right back on the replying at all outside of work and politely say to him when you see him that you are sorry for not getting back to him but you were with your husband/friends/busy ect to let him know that you aren't there on demand. Because that does sound a little demanding that he sends another message to give you a nudge. Other than that though I'd wait and see how things play out before doing anything drastic.

plattercake · 09/08/2019 21:54

He's a creepy old fucking creep. He's a disgrace.

Its not your fault in the slightest. He offered work advice, you asked for work advice, he comments on that you look very nice, have a pretty smile, and kiss emojis. He can fuck right off. And its not fatherly behaviour unless he has incestual fantasies. Utterly grim, but its all designed to disarm and confuse you.

Do not on any account follow Ben's awful advice to demean yourself. Tell a manager OP and stop interacting with him. If you can, tell him to stop sending inappropriate comment, but perhaps first speak to other colleagues who can support you.

You can fuck off too Ben for advising women to make themselves look silly to put off a creepy inappropriate man. How fucking dare you. You think you are good guy, but with that attitude you are part of the problem.. as you say, never underestimate a man's arrogance.

I hope work will support you OP

Durgasarrow · 09/08/2019 22:04

It's not your fault. You are young, so you don't think that some sixty plus year old geezer is going to think of you as a sexual partner because he's an old grandpa. But he's manipulating you because he remembers being young and he thinks he still "has a chance." It's disgusting, but there it is. You don't have to be polite and deferential. He's an ass.

MirandaGoshawk · 09/08/2019 22:07

It sounds friendly rather than creepy to me, but may be time to tell him how wonderful your husband is, etc, just so he knows for sure that you're not interested. He is 60 but he still feels 30 and is flattered that you seem to enjoy his company. Like others, I also agree that you shouldn't feel you have to text him back before morning. Just cool it a little bit. You have appreciated his advice & friendship and presumably he thought you'd be interested in his dog pics. It seems OK, but could lead to something you hadn't planned for, so gently put him straight. My DH had a bit of a crush on a younger girl at work, who picked his brains but was careful to never give out details of her private life to him, and although they are friendly he was never in any doubt that she didn't fancy him.

Branleuse · 09/08/2019 22:07

Bad habit to infantalise old men or act like theyre sexless and safe to be friends with. They're often the bloody worst

Durgasarrow · 09/08/2019 22:08

I was in your position once. It's amazing to me that a disgusting old man would go after a beautiful young woman in her twenties. But the thing is, he doesn't care what YOU want. He cares what HE wants. He wants beautiful young women like a hungry man wants a plate of steak. He doesn't care what the steak wants. He just does what he has to do to get it.

MirandaGoshawk · 09/08/2019 22:09

I should add, he told me all this! It's a good job she was sensible!

lifebegins50 · 09/08/2019 22:09

He thinks you might be interested in him because he is deluded..OLD is full of elderly men seeking women in 20s or 30s. It seems surprising but they really think they are a catch to younger women.

I just think that their egos prevent them from seeing reality. It is not your fault but he has viewed your "friendship" as the possible start to a romantic relationship.

SallyWD · 09/08/2019 22:10

He definitely fancies you. Don't assume he's innocent just because he's 60. I've had married men of that age and older ask to sleep with me.

LellyMcKelly · 09/08/2019 22:11

Just block him at 6pm and unblock him at 8am. Tell him you’re not going to respond to work texts from anyone out of hours because you’re not paid to do it.

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