Aibu to think trying to change my personality has made me depressed?

[whatisforteamum]

For many years I have loved my job.My current one I have been at for a few year's and always looked forward to going in.My dcs are.grown up so it has been my life tbhPeople comment on my work ethic
.Also the long days mean I would have to love it or be miserable as I miss many social occasions.
Recently the team changed quite a bit and I am 30 years senior to many people.This is ok though.Even my boss is newish and decades younger.I don't know if I am being paranoid.
He made remarks that I talk alot...I do.I am very passionate energetic person which is.what gives me my drive to get things done and get through a 55 hour week.Other bosses.haven't minded.
So I dumbed down the chatter.I am also highly organized and disciplined so I've been advised to calm this to let others learn by themselves.
This week I feel dreadful.unwell and unmotivated.😩 Perhaps a virus or can being silenced so much have made me depressed?
I work in a male dominated environment and have never felt so useless.I am trying to be a team player.
I've lost my drive and feel like looking elsewhere.Anyone else experienced this?

I mean by suppressing my thoughts and opinions.

You talk a lot and are energetic, that to me says you a pushy and bossy.

That is how it translates

Perhaps.Then again I do take responsibility and get stuff done.

Are you senior to the young people you work with or are you all on the same 'level'?

It sounds to me as if you’ve made the assumption that because the team is younger than you, you can tell them what to do and poke your nose in their business. I think perhaps your boss is trying to tell you to back off a bit. Focus on your own job, if you’re as driven as you say you are, and leave other people to concentrate on theirs. It sounds like you’re stepping in people’s toes.

‘Dumbed down the chatter’ is an interesting phrase and suggests you are really quite full of yourself.

Senior to two .Below my boss by two levels.I wouldn't want his job before you ask.I guess it is hard to be told what to do by colleagues decades younger.Perhaps I am being managed out!

Yes Dolly perhaps.It is difficult not to micromanage school leavers.Sometimes it is too their advantage as I will back their corner too as newcomers.

Thanks for the replies.Perspective is useful.

Something about your post seems quite intense. It is great to be passionate and driven but if you've been using the job as a big part of your self esteem and identity, maybe you are setting too much store by doing it well? Helping more junior people is great, but it comes across that you are impatient if people don't do things your way.

Could you hold things more lightly, perhaps? If younger people do things a different way or don't seem as committed...why does that actually matter?

Are the long shifts essential for ever? And do you anticipate being in the same role always? If you don't want the boss's job, yet have an incredible work ethic, that strikes me as a bit odd - most people whose job is important to them want to move on and up. Perhaps developing your own future plan or career goal, might help you get some distance and see this role less intensely; it's a means to an end not your whole life.

I definitely don't think you should be micro managing the school leavers. Ae they yours to line manage in the first place? If so, micromanaging then idmer going to develop then into people who can take responsibility and autonomy themselves. It's miserable to btw on tha receiving end of. It squashes ant chance somebody will be creative and find a new better way of doing something. It presupposes that they are best and most efficient doing work a certain way regardless of their personality types and new resources eg technology or methods that is new or that you don't know about and they do. It's gruelling and demotivational and depressing to be on the receiving end of.

I agree with others that I think your manager and you are talking euphemistically about your behaviour which could otherwise be described as bossy, opinionated and disrespectful of others' need for quiet in order to concentrate and get on with their work.

You don't need to squash your personality. You need to manage your own behaviour appropriately. Freedom of expression is sometimes not the most appropriate thing for the situation.

I actually think you sound open minded and self-reflective.

If the issue is that you're bossy or overbearing at work, I would expect your boss to actually say that, instead of using a euphemism like 'chatty'. It's always worth examining how other people might perceive your behaviour, but also bear in mind that some people will always have a problem with assertive women who take the lead in the workplace.

If you've spent years getting good results and being liked and trusted by colleagues it's no wonder you feel demotivated if you've been told to tone yourself down.

Have a think about whether this job is still a good fit - it might be that better is out there for you.

If you're decades older than your boss, and 30-odd years older than your work colleagues, I'm assuming that you're in your 50's. I am 60 - so no I'm not being ageist. I know what it's like to be the oldest person on the team , and feeling like you've been doing the job since before they were born. But that doesn't mean you can treat them like children - they might be just starting out but they shouldn't need to be micromanaged. Back off and just do your job - if they need help they can ask you.

Meantime, you are heading towards retirement - for someone as passionate as you are about your work, that might come as a bit of a shock. But it has to be faced. In your situation I'd be looking at making plans for that part of your life, which will roll around faster than you might think. I'd turn some of your passion into finding out what you can do when you finish working - it's a big part of life and it needs careful planning as I well know. Good luck !

I work in a male dominated environment and have never felt so useless.I am trying to be a team player

Just wondering why you associate the male-dominated environment with you feeling useless? Do they talk down to you or assume you'll be their work-wife, or be the one to always book meetings/find rooms etc menial tasks.

If so, can you learn techniques to assert your value and contributions of experience in the team.

Do you feel your career hasn't progressed upwards at the pace you want? iow, can you set personal targets to move to a more senior role if it's a source of frustration?

Just a thought @ShippingNews ... If the OP is in their 50s they could have a decade of work ahead so it doesn't necessarily mean they need to start winding down.

It sounds like they still have bags of energy and enthusiasm which needs to be channelling the right way, to harness their contributions in the team.

It speaks to the need for organisations to support staff across the age-range so more mature team members can act as coaches and mentors (which is a totally different ballgame to micromanaging of course!).

Thank you all.Another woman who was disruptive was sacked.I just get the sinking feeling in being managed out.😓TBH if the younger members make mistakes I have to sort them out.I work in a stressful environment already.I have stepped back a lot from telling them what needs doing.I omitted to say while waiting for a new both I had to step up with another colleague and help fun the place and organize far more than I previously did.It is quite hard to step back.Yes people have new ways of working however when I am in first and out last it greatly matters if they miss anything and I am left to do it.
I am a workaholic and was taught in a do as I say manner myself.
Change is hard.

Could it be worth asking the new boss if you could take on any extra responsibility- not to step on their toes but to help with what they see as the challenges? What keeps your boss up at night & what could you do to organise & improve stuff? I feel like your commitment should be harnessed a bit better...maybe you have never been properly mentored? Find a senior person in another dept who might have a coffee with you and offer advice on.how you could make the most of your role, and listen to what they say? Change is hard, yes. but it looks like you are actually up for it- well done x

Yes I have taken on extra responsibilities.I have asked to have my job title changed.For many months I have done the next level.I know my limits though.I do find it off when colleagues much younger get chances I had to wait years for.Almost like I am no longer required.
Also I guess I am at the meno..age.Younger people cost less too realistically.
I will see how the next few weeks go.

Retirement is 15 years away.

Daisychain I have always worked with men and loved it.This is the first time I feel that the women are a nuisance.

I wonder if you'd be called pushy and bossy if you were male, or just driven and assertive....

Hmmmmm, I work with someone who is probably a similar age to yourself. They probably have a similar work ethic to yourself too.

Being frank, they do rub everyone up the wrong way. Because they do over step boundaries. They do offer advice where it isn't asked for. They 'fix' things and 'help' to do things when it isn't required. We all largely manage our own caseload and there is nothing so urgent it generally can't be left until the next day for the person who's actual job it is to do it. They spend a lot of time moaning and complaining about other people's mistakes (and then make very similar ones themself). They moan that others don't have their work ethic, when in reality others can do their work in a fraction of the time. And other people actually don't want to work a 50 hour week like they do. I don't think it's necessarily an age thing, they talk down to another member of staff 5 years older than them. But on the whole they are not a very nice person to work alongside.

I am so sorry to hear this op. To me, it looks like sexism and ageism are rife in your work place. I am hearing it so much from my female colleagues. At 50 men are in their prime work wise and women are made to feel they are on their way out. Have you seen in Bridget Jones'baby the part when the new young boss arrives with the young crowd? Your post reminds me of that. Also the being passed for promotion.... grrrr.... it's shit being women.

So fatted is a age thing or not? Would you say the same about race or nationality? You come across as massively ageist there.

Seeing other people getting opportunities quite rapidly, as opposed to having to wait years, as being quite galling is one way of looking at it.

Another way of looking at it is that the workplace generally is seeing a big swathe of retirements now, as Boomers and even the older Gen Xers exit the workplace. So there is bound to be more movement. It’s just a luck of the draw thing.

And as with most generational lottery things, you win some, you lose some. The youngsters in your team might have some things easy that came hard for you (or not at all), but the reverse is also true. It’s not anything personal, and it’s definitely not their fault, so to harbour resentment about it is kind of self-defeating.

Hang on a minute. You've been asked not to talk so much, presumably as it stops others getting on with their work. That's a fair comment. You've also been asked to keep your beak out of other people's work, as it were. Again, that's a perfectly reasonable request. You aren't being 'silenced', you aren't being 'managed out', they've just asked for a little peace and quiet. You'll find most people have to adapt their natural personalities at work a little.

You say you work a 55 hour week - are you actually required to work 55 hours? You are also 'first in, last out'. Why? Are your specific hours longer than everyone else's? Or have you chosen to arrive and leave before/after everyone else?

Are you perhaps placing too much emphasis on work? You say it is 'your life' - I find that a little sad. What do you enjoy when you aren't at work? Maybe start to think about enhancing your life outside the workplace - work shouldn't be your life, it should be the thing you do to enable you to live.