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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think trying to change my personality has made me depressed?

52 replies

whatisforteamum · 09/08/2019 20:45

For many years I have loved my job.My current one I have been at for a few year's and always looked forward to going in.My dcs are.grown up so it has been my life tbhPeople comment on my work ethic
.Also the long days mean I would have to love it or be miserable as I miss many social occasions.
Recently the team changed quite a bit and I am 30 years senior to many people.This is ok though.Even my boss is newish and decades younger.I don't know if I am being paranoid.
He made remarks that I talk alot...I do.I am very passionate energetic person which is.what gives me my drive to get things done and get through a 55 hour week.Other bosses.haven't minded.
So I dumbed down the chatter.I am also highly organized and disciplined so I've been advised to calm this to let others learn by themselves.
This week I feel dreadful.unwell and unmotivated.😩 Perhaps a virus or can being silenced so much have made me depressed?
I work in a male dominated environment and have never felt so useless.I am trying to be a team player.
I've lost my drive and feel like looking elsewhere.Anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisforteamum · 11/08/2019 02:13

All valid points I think.The profession I am in is full of characters.I always was just myself and lots of people admired my drive.and ability to see things through on difficult days.Also there are cliques everywhere so being only one of a couple with another half and dcs to go home to I am on a different wavelength now the other people my age have left.
I have been contacted twice with regard to other jobs only this week.It just seems sad to be thinking.of leaving something I loved so much and that was so suitable in many ways.

OP posts:
Dotty1970 · 11/08/2019 02:17

We have a women that 'chatters' a lot, I dread her being in a no one gets any peace or enough work done. She's selfish and drives everyone mad.

Dotty1970 · 11/08/2019 02:17

*woman obviously

madcatladyforever · 11/08/2019 02:24

Being micromanaged for 14 years by one particular manager gave me a breakdown and burnout. I had to take a year out then start my life again somewhere else.
Don't micromanage people if you want a productive team. Personally I can't bear being talked at all day, I'd go slowly mad.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 11/08/2019 02:25

Yes we were required to work long hours.with a new member now it will be 45.Everyone.talks a lot as far as I can tell.TBH I am trying really hard and all my bosses have mentioned it.I am a very energetic person at home and work.I don't understand dithering or moaning about having to work.I actually love it.I used to look forward.to it.

OP posts:
ZazieTheCat · 11/08/2019 02:36

If you’ve been contacted about other jobs, I’d explore that. Maybe your place has changed so it’s time for a fresh place.

Bravelurker · 11/08/2019 06:12

@Fatted, your colleague sounds almost identical to someone I worked with in my last job. At first she was my best ever colleague as she was sooo helpful, friendly, loud and funny. I thought I hit the jackpot because she was a similar age to me, made a slightly stuffy department a fun place to work and I thought she had my back.
A year on my confidence grew and I became very good at my job, she turned into the biggest control freak I had ever worked with. She honestly thought she was the only competent one there and loved the praise but the reality was the rest of us were just as good, if not better but we just didn't feel the need to crow about it.

She would often encourage us to be unnecessarily unhelpful to other departments, and then swoop in to save the day by giving them what they originally asked for and more.
I have many scars from being constantly thrown under the bus.

Bravelurker · 11/08/2019 06:21

@whatisforteamum, I think after a while people don't see your value as you do a lot, perhaps more than they can fully appreciate. Maybe others posters are right and you need to go and spread your magic somewhere else. Another company will probably see you as a breath of fresh air Smile.

lawnmowingsucks · 11/08/2019 06:27

TBH if the younger members make mistakes I have to sort them out

Why?

Fatted · 11/08/2019 07:41

@NiceRadFem it's not an age issue so much as a personality or work ethic issue. As I said in my original post, my colleague has a similar work ethic to the OP. I don't know if that comes from age or not.

Although I am 20 years younger than my colleague, I have actually worked in the organisation for almost 20 years compared to their 10, so am actually more experienced in this line of work. But I am still spoken down to like an idiot. They talk down to colleagues older than themselves. They talk down to people the same age as them. They are just not a very pleasant person to work with.

The OP sees it as an issue of age and sex. I see it as an issue of being an annoying co-worker irrespective of other things.

Jebuschristchocolatebar · 11/08/2019 07:49

I wonder do you take on all this extra work and do the extra hours because you are a workaholic rather than someone has specifically asked you to do it. Do you finish work for other people becuase you can’t help yourself rather than let them learn the consequences of not doing something. You sound like that one person in every office who feels the office would burn down without them to hold it all together. I wonder if you actually took stock of all the unnecessary extra tasks you undertake, would you work the same hours?

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 11/08/2019 09:13

Let me clarify.I am the one who would have to sort out any mistakes of the product.was unreliable or not up to scratch.I used to go in early while we were short.staffed.It was the only way to keep on top of things.I am a workaholic.I am usually highly motivated to work hence the post.
If I ask others if there section is tidy then they go home I have to fill in paperwork to specify this is the case.If things are not done I have to correct them.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisforteamum · 11/08/2019 09:56

Bravelurker thank you😊Maybe I'm wasted where I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisforteamum · 11/08/2019 09:59

No I don't think the place would fall apart without me.I am not big headed at all.

OP posts:
lawnmowingsucks · 11/08/2019 10:05

I'm sure you do an amazing job. But I expect other people would like a chance to learn and grow their own roles. Try helping and giving rather than doing?

MisterLister · 11/08/2019 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 11/08/2019 11:00

Agreed mister lister.I have had three jobs since 2015 and enjoy the challenge.
.Now my Dh has found work since being made redundant in the beginning of the year it is time to think about me.One thing I have learned in my career when somewhere gets taken over by new management of is barely worth staying as they inevitably want to do things differently or create a new team.
I have had such a great time there and earnt a lot of money by piling on the hours I do have good savings pot tbh.😊

OP posts:
steff13 · 11/08/2019 11:07

You've had three jobs in four years?

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 11/08/2019 11:25

Yes well the previous one was over a decade.The industry I'm in that is this is the norm.No one can believe I did over a decade in one place.It shows stamina and lack of motivation in equal measure.When teams break up the whole team eventually goes.My last place didn't pay holidays and stole my large tax rebate.I didn't want to leave but in reality had to.
I think I just answered my own question there!!😊

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 11/08/2019 13:10

The best career decision I ever made was to leave a long term job and reinvent myself in a new organisation.

Think of it like insurance, loyal customers who continue to give their business to the same company year after year. They are never appreciated the same as someone new. It's the thrill of the chase. Hell, it's even like any Relationship, come to think of it, after a while you get taken for granted and treated like the furniture Grin.

As the famous organisational guru said Change before you have to

Put yourself out there, change your circumstances, especially if you're confident and focused and you know what you want, which it sounds like you do.

daisychain01 · 11/08/2019 13:14

One thing I have learned in my career when somewhere gets taken over by new management of is barely worth staying as they inevitably want to do things differently or create a new team

I can say with confident that a sizeable chunk of staff dissatisfaction and disruption occurs when a new manager joins and wants their own 'crew' especially direct report roles that they have to interface with.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 11/08/2019 14:00

I agree this happened to me before.I decided to stay at a job that was transferred by TUPE.I thought I could change and loved everyone there so I was prepared to put in the extra effort.The new man made my life tricky but I had rights being there so long.I didn't want to be bullied out so I stayed for a couple more years.When I did leave I realized what a dreadful time it had been and regretted losing time I could be been happy.

OP posts:
HeadintheiClouds · 11/08/2019 14:07

What industry are you in that three jobs in four years is the norm?

Job hopping is not the norm anywhere that I’ve every heard of.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 11/08/2019 14:15

Well two as I already had a long term one.It is my manager is leav ing for pastures new after 2 years.

OP posts:
Lellikelly26 · 11/08/2019 14:16

I wonder if the responses you’ve been getting are sexist. If a man was that way they would be described as dominant in a positive way.
It sounds as though you are unhappy at work and I would consider two things, looking for another job and simultaneously looking for other things hobbies etc to have some fun and remind you of the wider world outside of work