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AIBU?

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Original poster

Spoilt or selfish or what?

52 replies

Hazardsonagain · 09/08/2019 17:04

Been with boyfriend a little over a year. Quite casual to begin with if I’m honest . He was wary of my baggage and wasn’t sure if he wanted a relationship . My baggage was emotional .was just out of a shitty long term relationship with a manipulative older man.so here we are a year later and at times I think is he selfish or spoilt or is he determined to do his own thing.
He calls all the shots . He says when we can meet and what we’ll do. He’s not a bully but likes to take charge and can be set in his ways. Everything in his life has a place and there is a place for everything including me. He’s only taken me away once yet has consistently gone away with family and his mates on holidays etc.??he has no intention of us moving in together.he is too hung up on his friends and his family.They treat him
Like a helpless child and he laps
Up the attention .he has too many close female frien imo. Doesn’t see a problem
With constant contact with them.not sure how f he wants marriage or kids. I definitely do and I told Him.He encourages me to spend time with my friend and family but is hesitant in moving from his rigid routine to suit me.he says he’s crazy for me and I’m helpless for him . Help me untangle this please

OP posts:
NameChangedForTheDay · 09/08/2019 17:07

You ain't really selling him to us OP.

LTB. Don't waste years in another unequal and unfulfilling relationship.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/08/2019 17:08

LTB.

Original poster
Hazardsonagain · 09/08/2019 17:13

Is leaving him not a little premature. We get on massively. I get on brilliantly with his family too and his friends like me too

OP posts:
krustykittens · 09/08/2019 17:18

How much time do you want to waste on someone who puts you in a little box in his life and is determined to keep you there? You're not a partner now, OP, and it doesn't sound like you ever will be. Who cares that his family and friends like you, you are not in a relationship with them.

thecatinthetwat · 09/08/2019 17:19

Personally I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that and just couldn’t put up with it.

Does he literally arrange everything? When, where etc? That is weird. Really really weird.

AllFourOfThem · 09/08/2019 17:24

At least he is being honest. I’d end the relationship as you want a different future and no getting on brilliantly compensates for that.

Justmuddlingalong · 09/08/2019 17:24

You definitely want kids and marriage. With him or in the future?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 09/08/2019 17:28

He was wary of my baggage and wasn’t sure if he wanted a relationship. My baggage was emotional .was just out of a shitty long term relationship with a manipulative older man.

Controlling bullshit designed to make you feel grateful he's deigned to give you his time. Anyone who uses "baggage" in reference to another human being doesn't give a shit about that human being. Your past hurts and loves aren't baggage, they're simply part of your history.

He calls all the shots. He says when we can meet and what we’ll do.

Controlling bullshit.

He’s not a bully but likes to take charge and can be set in his ways.

Controlling bullshit.

Everything in his life has a place and there is a place for everything including me.

Controlling bullshit.

You can make all the "but he's really nice occasionally" rebuttals but the truth is, he's a piece of shit who is treating you like a piece of shit. You can waste another year or two of your time on him, but posting here means you're seeing that he's not right for you, you're questioning his behaviours and you're not fully happy. Why waste any more of your precious life with someone who behaves like you're not important to him?

Original poster
Hazardsonagain · 09/08/2019 17:29

He will say that he is free to meet up on Thursday and that we will watch a film or a Sunday and we will go for a walk in the forest or go for dinner on certain date and who will be there ( normally a family member) it is crucial that his family and friends like his girlfriend and he has also commented that they think I’m very pretty which he puts a big value upon it seems. Together , we have the best chats and laughing and fun. Apart, I miss him but he is non negotiable when it involves to his personal space and time. So twice a week for an evening and the odd Friday or Saturday night . My friends think it’s sufficient but I feel that it’s very specific and measured eg specific days and times at his suggestion . I’m just a little confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Hazardsonagain · 09/08/2019 17:30

I would marry him in a heartbeat but if he doesn’t want children then I would choose him

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 09/08/2019 17:33

Your “ helpless” for him because he withholds so much of himself from you. He always leaves you wanting more.
It’s really really and to find out how you actually feel about people like this, because your base line is that you’ve never been able to relax into his company completely, because you know he will always whisk himself away soon, so mostly it’s about missing him, wanting more and being grateful you are getting some of him.

Relationship is about giving of yourself, and letting yourself be vulnerable, so not controlling everything, not having s million escape roots.
He can’t do this, can he? he can’t give you what you want, which is for him to be really present, and really in relationship with you.

I would say that no matter how brilliantly you get on with him, his family and his friends, if he won’t be “ in” you are never going to get what you want and need.
It’s a really painful place op, but walking away would open up the chances of meeting someone who can give you the things you want and need.

Justmuddlingalong · 09/08/2019 17:34

was just out of a shitty long term relationship with a manipulative older man now you're with a controlling man who has partmentalised you. Perhaps some time in your own, not in a relationship would be beneficial to you.

Sorryisntgoodenough · 09/08/2019 17:35

Is leaving him not a little premature. We get on massively. I get on brilliantly with his family too and his friends like me too

No, find someone who wants to spend time with you, who drops everything because he can’t stand another minute being apart from you-not someone who pencils you in a week next Tuesday. Especially when...

not sure how f he wants marriage or kids. I definitely do and I told Him.He encourages me to spend time with my friend and family

He doesn’t see kids with you and encourages you to be busy so you don’t moan about not spending time with him.

You can do better.

caballerino · 09/08/2019 17:36

You've gone from one controlling relationship to another. Hence feeling confused.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Sorryisntgoodenough · 09/08/2019 17:36

I would marry him in a heartbeat but if he doesn’t want children then I would choose him

Please don’t.

dollydaydream114 · 09/08/2019 17:40

You left a relationship with one manipulative, controlling man and you are now in a relationship with another manipulative controlling man. I'm really sorry, but it's painfully clear.

You have only been together a year and he is treating you like shit. It doesn't matter if you have 'nice chats' - he has no intention of committing to you and he is controlling every aspect of your relationship. You are CLEARLY not his priority and he even began your relationship by gaslighting you into thinking he was doing you a favour by taking on someone with 'baggage'.

Leave him now. Please, please don't waste another minute of your time on him. You've been together for a year, which is really nothing. Leave him before it gets worse.

Glitterandunicorns · 09/08/2019 17:40

Hi OP. I need to echo every previous poster here and say he sounds really controlling. When I met my husband, he'd travel for hours to visit me, even briefly. You deserve that.

If you want children, please please don't give up that idea for this guy. You'll regret it.

I agree with the PP who has suggested doing the Freedom Program.

Original poster
Hazardsonagain · 09/08/2019 18:12

I don’t think he intentionally tried to control
Me. I think sometimes he has a down
Of ocd as I work with children who have ocd cd and his behaviour sometimes send alarm bells off. He really does
Like me I know that But u do ask if he is afraid of commitment or of getting too close. He said once that even if we do nit work out as a coupe, at least I will know what it’s like to be treated properly.

OP posts:
PolkaDotted · 09/08/2019 18:13

Run like the wind. He's controlling you and it's only going to get worse from here.
.

PolkaDotted · 09/08/2019 18:14

I have OCD. It doesn't involve controlling people. That's entirely on him.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 09/08/2019 18:17

"He said once that even if we do nit work out as a coupe, at least I will know what it’s like to be treated properly.*

God, how bloody patronising! Shocking! I'm not a sweary person but if a man said that to me I'd tell him to fuck off and dump him on the spot.

AngelasAshes · 09/08/2019 18:17

I think the relationship is good but has plateaued. You want marriage and kids. He is procrastinating because he has a good thing going with you. I think you need to have a “where are we going with this” discussion. You don’t want to patiently wait years and years to find out he does not want marriage and/or kids.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 09/08/2019 18:18

Bold fail. Sorry.

PolkaDotted · 09/08/2019 18:18

Treating you right most definitely does not involve him calling all of the shots.

NoBaggyPants · 09/08/2019 18:20

It's not really a relationship is it? You're a fuck buddy at best.

And this is sod all to do with OCD.