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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Spoilt or selfish or what?

52 replies

Hazardsonagain · 09/08/2019 17:04

Been with boyfriend a little over a year. Quite casual to begin with if I’m honest . He was wary of my baggage and wasn’t sure if he wanted a relationship . My baggage was emotional .was just out of a shitty long term relationship with a manipulative older man.so here we are a year later and at times I think is he selfish or spoilt or is he determined to do his own thing.
He calls all the shots . He says when we can meet and what we’ll do. He’s not a bully but likes to take charge and can be set in his ways. Everything in his life has a place and there is a place for everything including me. He’s only taken me away once yet has consistently gone away with family and his mates on holidays etc.??he has no intention of us moving in together.he is too hung up on his friends and his family.They treat him
Like a helpless child and he laps
Up the attention .he has too many close female frien imo. Doesn’t see a problem
With constant contact with them.not sure how f he wants marriage or kids. I definitely do and I told Him.He encourages me to spend time with my friend and family but is hesitant in moving from his rigid routine to suit me.he says he’s crazy for me and I’m helpless for him . Help me untangle this please

OP posts:
tiredybear · 09/08/2019 18:23

regardless of the reasons, the bottom line is you are incompatible. You want different things. Yes, you really like each other but if he is not willing to compromise you really should cut your losses before you've wasted too much time on a dead end relationship.

blackbird00 · 09/08/2019 18:24

He treats you that way because you let him treat you that way. Tell him you want to be an equal or you're out of the relationship. If he really wants you in his life, he will make adjustments. If not, don't waste any more of your time.

dollydaydream114 · 09/08/2019 18:25

He said once that even if we do nit work out as a coupe, at least I will know what it’s like to be treated properly.

He is gaslighting the hell out of you. Seriously.

Justmuddlingalong · 09/08/2019 18:26

In his eyes he's treating you better than the prick you were with before. That wouldn't be difficult. However a glittery shit is still a shit.

Nanny0gg · 09/08/2019 18:29

It's not a relationship.

I know you've had a bad relationship before so why do you want another one?

There are men out there who will treat you as an equal. That's what you need

LTB

lazylinguist · 09/08/2019 18:31

He sounds utterly appalling. Enough red flags to make bunting.

TowelNumber42 · 09/08/2019 18:33

Who cares why he is controlling? He is and that's all there is to it.

Have you done the Freedom Programme yet?

It sounds like your boundaries are fucked.

As a minimum, if I were you I would make myself unavailable at the times he wants. Be out more. Choose something you want to do and insist on it even if he isn't keen.

You find out what a man is really like when you say no to him then refuse to back down. Try it.

If you can't say no and stick to it then you need to split up and have some therapy before any more dating.

Quartz2208 · 09/08/2019 18:56

He has trained you by withholding himself you want more but settle for what you have - so much you consider yourself helpless for him. Because he has all the power

Run honestly run

Dotty1970 · 09/08/2019 19:08

I get the feeling you won't listen until your on here when you've been worn into the ground.
Also people throw bloody OCD around too much... Do you actually know, really know what it is and how it affects people and that you need to be diagnosed? He's just a controlling narcissistic knob by the sounds of it..

minionsrule · 09/08/2019 19:18

I had one of these for 6 years. ... after a shit marriage as well.
It was nice at first but when all our friends were getting married off and having kids and he was still only coming rounds 3 times a week on rigid set days (and i was mid 30's by then) i finally saw the light.

minionsrule · 09/08/2019 19:20

Hope he's not called Steven by the way 😬

CoraPirbright · 09/08/2019 19:26

I get on brilliantly with his family too and his friends like me too

But they are not the ones you are hoping to have a long term relationship with!

Ditch him. Sounds to me like he is pencilling you in for specific times. Not even a booty call but a booty diary entry!! You deserve better OP - someone who desperately wants to be with you, not somewhere vaguely in the vicinity!

Original poster
Hazardsonagain · 09/08/2019 22:28

It sounds s hard to think he may be controlling . He really needs time away from people so I never took it personal .i knew that for us to succeed,I would need to try to accept this need when all I wanted was to be with him . When he explains his need for space and time,it was about him and not because he doesn’t want to be with me. Many of you say he is controlling and that worry’s me terribly

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 09/08/2019 22:42

Op, I really think everything you’ve said points to him being very controlling. The whole thing sounds so very very odd.

Even the bit about his friends and family must like you. He’s making you jump through hoops to impress everybody.

The bit about you being pretty too, it’s all so manipulative.

Please seek some counselling and talk it all through. I’m worried you’re missing all the signs because you’re not sure what normal feels like.

RoseMartha · 09/08/2019 22:42

It screams manipulative and controlling man to me. Getting out such a relationship when married is extremely hard. I know, I have been getting divorced for over 18 months to a controlling and abusive H and although there is light at the end of the tunnel, I am not there yet. He has shoved every obstacle possible in my way and still doing so.

Please think about ending this before you get further into the relationship.

Original poster
Hazardsonagain · 09/08/2019 22:43

I really don’t any more

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/08/2019 23:48

@PolkaDotted

I have OCD. It doesn't involve controlling people. That's entirely on him.

Your OCD is not the same as everyone else's. .and mental health conditions affect ppl differently.

Sometimes ppl with OCD don't actually realise their actions are indirectly controlling those around them. ..until its pointed out to them...and even then, they're in denial.

OP... you sound desperate for this relationship. Sounds like he can take you or leave you...but you're hung up on him.

Doesn't sound like a balanced relationship to me.

Original poster
Hazardsonagain · 09/08/2019 23:57

I was not insulting anyone with ocd of course but his life is so rigid. He cleans on a Friday.famuly on a Saturday . Friends every Sunday afternoon . House must be spotless. He has anxiety and will leave a social situation if he thinks his house is untidy . He eats at exactly same rie everyday . Has to shower at exactly 630 am every day.sees m on set times at set days and doesn’t like change . He will watch a film that I want but think she it’s ridiculous . I tho k he has problems with my tastes verses his Tastes. He has to spend a part of each weekend with his family when he is not with his friends . He has had many weekends with friends and family and does not include me unless his family wish for this . His life s like a robotic timetable

OP posts:
k1233 · 09/08/2019 23:57

Your relationship is very one sided. Contact is only when he decides. There is no taking your preferences and desires into account. I think you are convenient for him. It's great to have someone at your beck and call, to be a girlfriend when you feel like trotting one out. He isn't treating you well.

Cherrysoup · 09/08/2019 23:58

He’s very comtrolling of you, isn’t he? And doesnt seem to like you enough to want to spend more time with you. How do you stand the whole helpless nomsemse he does when his family pay him attention? Doesnt it drive you mad? Is he a man or a child?

Tatiannatomasina · 09/08/2019 23:59

Honestly, drop and run. Selfish, boring, rigid.

Original poster
Hazardsonagain · 10/08/2019 00:03

I find that when he visits his family and friends when he is there and so am
I, that they are terribly excited about me , maybe the then he very happy.

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 10/08/2019 00:06

Regardless of any potential neurological reason for his behaviour, getting more involved with this man sounds a recipe for disaster and heartache.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 10/08/2019 00:08

You've swapped one manipulative man for another. The wrapping on the outside has just changed.

All of your posts contain excuses for his behaviour.

PolkaDotted · 10/08/2019 00:09

Your OCD is not the same as everyone else's. .and mental health conditions affect ppl differently.

I am aware of that thank you, but I do get tired of people with mental health issues constantly being associated with the worst personality traits on MN as though they go hand in hand together. Controlling people is not an inherent characteristic of OCD. I can understand how in some circumstances it may lead to someone with OCD trying to control situations and people to an extent, but it is not the norm and it doesn't make it ok or mean that the OP or anyone should put up with it. If you're(general you)'
impacting family members to that extent then you need to get help and not make it an excuse to treat a partner badly.