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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU My chief bridesmaid has only invited me to her evening reception

95 replies

whodis · 09/08/2019 15:46

My wedding was four years ago, and since then have had two DC. Had three bridesmaids at wedding, my two DS and closest friend. Haven’t seen a whole lot of said friend as she has been travelling and finishing her degree but still keep in touch, but we are not as close as we were. Just received an evening only invitation for DH and myself to her wedding in December. Was hoping for an all day invitation. Her bridesmaids are going to be her single best friends (2). AIBU?

OP posts:

dillusionaldog · 10/08/2019 02:08

@catsbeensickagain does married friend still speak to you? did she ever discuss the wedding in front of you or just pretend it didnt happen? how very very bizarre. Surely stuck-in-the-middle friend would have asked "why isnt catsbeen here?!" the mind boggles.

TwistyTop · 10/08/2019 02:36

At my wedding we only had family at the ceremony. It was a no frills 20 min ceremony and then we went straight to the reception, where there were a further 60 guests invited, we put on loads of food, entertainment, and ate, drank and danced the night away. For me that was the main event. I would be quite surprised to hear that people felt shafted by not being part of a 20 min ceremony at the reg office and "only" invited to the actual party that we threw. So I think it really depends on the kind of wedding.

If she's doing a big fancy thing with lots of people at the ceremony then I would be a bit miffed, but if it's a small affair then I really wouldn't take it personally.

FuriousVexation · 10/08/2019 05:11

I'm really confused here.

If you get married in the morning, you have an afternoon reception, right?

And if you get married in the afternoon, your reception genenerally carries on til the evening? (which surely nobody would want)

Are people literally sending out invitations that say "come to the free shitty buffet but not the actual ceremony"?

Rachelover40 · 10/08/2019 06:04

I've always had really nice food at an evening wedding buffet, yum.
Do go, op, she is still your friend even if you've drifted a bit and who knows what the future holds? It would be nice, if your children are being looked after for a night and you can afford it, for you and husband to have a night out in a hotel.

Mileysmiley · 10/08/2019 06:25

I sounds like you grown apart .. I wouldn't bother going if I was you.

TheStuffedPenguin · 10/08/2019 06:25

Maybe they simply don't want kids at the daytime bit.

catsbeensickagain · 10/08/2019 10:48

@dillusionaldog yes I do find it mind boggling! She does still speak to me (I mean I don’t seek her out anymore but we both attended mutual friend wedding and things like that). She simply pretends it never happened. Mutual friend did of course ask and was told it was “about getting an interesting mix of people” I apparently became more interesting recently when DH became professor catsbeensickagain and we started to receive messages like birth announcement and Christmas cards again after years of not 🤷🏼‍♀️

timshelthechoice · 10/08/2019 11:20

So I think it really depends on the kind of wedding.

Yes, it sounds like this one is the two-tiered variety, with the a-list invited to ceremony and a meal and all the leftovers for the evening do (but with the same gift list).

SAHD2020 · 10/08/2019 11:27

Personally I wouldn't bother going. 4 years isnt a really long time and even if she didnt ask you to be a bridesmaid to at least invite you to the whole day, especially if you dont see mich of her anymore. You still keep in touch. I just think it's a bit odd. Like perhaps she doesn't really care if your there or not so sticking you on the evening list means minimum expenditure on you coming if you do. I'd decline. Wish her well and say it's too far for a few hours.

IdblowJonSnow · 10/08/2019 11:33

If you fancy going then go but don't feel obliged to go.
We offended people with the evening invites thing, in retrospect I'd do things differently but was in a wedding fog at the time.
I'd be a bit hurt too but things can change a lot in 4 years.

Ellmau · 10/08/2019 11:37

If the wedding is a church one, then by law it has to be open to all comers. So you could go the ceremony anyway ;)

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 10/08/2019 13:47

YANBU. Not sure why anyone accepts an invitation that makes it clear they are second class guests.

Leakinglikeacolander · 10/08/2019 13:57

I can understand not being a bridesmaid as circumstances change, but not getting a day invite? I think that's pretty crap.
I don't know if your journey is an hour and a half each way? Or altogether but If probably politely decline of it involved an overnight stay tbh.

LatteLove · 10/08/2019 14:02

No doubt everyone will tell you YABU as many on here are weird about weddings and basic decent behaviour but you’re not U IMO. I’d be really hurt. It depends on whether you can get past it, I’d probably just let the “friendship” fizzle out

IamPickleRick · 10/08/2019 14:48

FuriousVexation oh no, afternoon weddings are the ones I love being invited to because you have all morning to do as you like and get ready at leisure. Then it’s basically a service followed by a party all night long!

Everytime I’ve been part of a wedding party (been a bridesmaid 5 times) I am expected to get up at 6am and don’t enjoy the evening.

YANBU. With not being asked as a bridesmaid, maybe she subscribes to the old fashioned way of not having married women as bridesmaids. With regard to the evening invite, maybe she can only afford a certain number?

Hearthside · 10/08/2019 14:51

MrsSpenserGregson we had exactly the same DH oldest friend going way back to school was best man our wedding ,DH still see's him though not as often as everyone is busy .He got remarried for 2nd time and we didn't get invite at all .I felt really pissed for my DH he said he was ok with it but for me it shitty and i won't be bothering to speak anymore .

timshelthechoice · 10/08/2019 15:56

He got remarried for 2nd time and we didn't get invite at all .

I'd be relieved. You already saw him make the vows once. That's enough.

Oh, yes, Latte, on MN you're supposed to be in thrall and delighted the couple deigned to invite you to the scraps of their wedding at all, tie yourself in knots to pay to get there, hand over wodges of cash to pay for whatever you guesstimate the couple condescended to spend in hosting (plus more!) but also make sure you arrive having eaten or with provisions on your person as you cannot be expected to be offered any food or drink. It's enough to just breathe the same air of celebration.

ysmaem · 10/08/2019 16:08

It sounds like your friendship has altered quiet a bit and the dynamic has changed since your wedding 4 years ago. I completely understand that you're hurt and a bit put out. You can either accept it for what it is and attend the evening do or just decline

Userzzzzz · 10/08/2019 16:24

It’s so easy to drift. I don’t think I’ve spoken to my bridesmaid for a few years. I found once everyone had more than one child, it became too hard to visit and people grew apart. With a baby, it was still easy to visit friends but with two or more, people have less space and time and everything just seems more hassle.

StarlightIntheNight · 10/08/2019 16:36

If the reception they expect you to pay for your own drinks etc, I would not go, as I would assume they really don't care if you are there or not and want more gifts. However, if they are paying for reception and bar, then if I wanted to, I would go, as 1.5 hours drive is not long...we have been to many weddings we have had to take international flights for!!! But then again, for those weddings we were invited for rehearsal dinners etc.

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